|
|
|
|
 |
- |
| - |
|
|
|
|
User
|
Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
|
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817 |  Posted: 7:05 PM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2007 |     |
Glad it helped!  Not bad for someone whose been self employed and hasn't been interviewed in over 20 years! Actually I've done a lot of consulting to execs, HR/OD professionals and biz owners on hiring the right people. We'll be there BT like the Verizon guys!
M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!
Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago | hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197 | | Posted: 7:24 PM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2007 | |
Hey...don't the verizon guys wear red? Does that mean we can all wear a *hot* red shirt? 
"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu
Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007 | hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317 | | Posted: 8:49 PM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2007 | |
Hi gang!
I miss "chatting" but my new job is bulldozing me down. I'd LOVE to dress a little flashier, but they dont' seem to make very attractive clothing in my size (hence the gym every day starting 12/15).
Weepy, friend, GOOD FOR YOU!!! I hear you loud and clear, but at least you are and have been doing something to get you to your goal of being able to wear those sexy, flashy clothes! My new work change has me more stressed and has eliminated my possibility of lunch work-outs, which were the only thing I had going before. Now, no excercise. I'm in awe of YOU... GO, GO, GO!!!
Lost Heart, Hugs to you on your antiversary day. You are among friends, and the day just plain old sucks. No way around it, you just trudge through it like you have!
BT,
I can see why you'd be nervous about interviewing and entering the work force. BUT the interviewers will surely see all that we see: You are bright (brilliant), dependable, hard working, and very intuitive with a lot of "life" experience behind you that "book learning" doesn't give you. I'm mustering up extra prayers for you, but I am confident there will be a door that opens for you, if not this time.
OTC, Self-employed, huh? That sounds sooo appealing to me right now. Just wallowing in envy for a moment. I'm "stuck" out in the work force since H is basically disabled.
So, guys, my H goes back to the cardiologist on the 14th. So far, no other weird episodes have plagued him. But the darn doctors can't seem to agree on what's wrong with him, and they've got him on so many meds that he is fatigued all the time. My load is so heavy right now. I had gotten very used to him really stepping up with the kids & household chores that I'm feeling the burden. I'm worn down.
HUGS TO ALL,
HB
Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)
Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005 | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 3:59 AM, November 29th (Thursday), 2007 | |
(((HB)))
Is there anyone (friend/family) that can help out once in awhile,even if its something like doing the ironing? I dont know how old your kids are, but can they help out as well.Might make them feel grown up and responsible. That works with my 6 and 7 year old nicely.
BT
We will be there with you next Thursday, with our red tops on!
Btw, what are you wearing?
Do you know who exactly you are meeting with?Can you do some reading on them if they are impt, and then weave it in the interview.for eg, say how much you admire they way they handled the XX situation.
Like OTC said, reading up on the company (they might have their own website)might come in handy.
I dont think you will have this problem, but dont be in a hurry to answer a question too quickly.Think on it first if you have to.Or stall by drinking some water.
Carry some rescue remedy.
You are going to be GREAT!
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435 | | Posted: 8:27 AM, November 29th (Thursday), 2007 | |
Lost,
I'm not sure what to wear to be honest. I would love suggestions.
What I am interviewing for is a news editor job at a television station in a major American city. I would not be on-air, but behind the scenes coordinating what got covered and what made it into the daily newscasts.
This is the kind of work I have always done, but I haven't done it for a very long time.
I've also gained a lot of weight since d-day (no, infidelity diet for me, of course not. I couldn't even manage to get that one benefit.)
BT
D-day 7/29/04.
Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003 | weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790 | | Posted: 8:32 AM, November 29th (Thursday), 2007 | |
BT So look at the anchors, not the main ones, like the weather person or the lifestyle reporter -- that's how you should dress.
Predominant in our Philly area are short jackets worn with a shell or lacy cami underneath. Don't be afraid of a little color -- in your earrings or shoes. Just so you don't look TOO serious.
I know a couple of the anchors from one of our stations, and believe me, they are the most casual people off air you'd want to see. They want to hang out with people like them.
That sounds like a really interesting job BTW... I might keep that in mind when I start looking...
Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 8:59 AM, November 29th (Thursday), 2007 | |
BT, how about splurging on a good trouser suit.If your butt is too big, get one with a longer jacket.And you could always team the trouser later on with lovely sweater tops or blouses.I dont know what shape/size you are, but trouser and a smart top looks great on almost anyone.Every working girl should have one good suit! (said SAHM of last 12 years ).
If you have time to fool around on the net, go to www.mvm.com where you get to dress a virtual model based on your stats and you get an idea of what looks good on you.Its like playing dress up.
****
Had my IC session today.Went there in a good mood and came out feeling really crappy and down.We got onto my FOO issues. How do you guys deal with FOO issues? I am feeling a bit pissed with my parents now. Talking with IC made me look at the traumatic events in my childhood more objectively, and I am getting an idea of why I think that everything is my fault, why I am so scared of failure (I was "taught" that the consequences)and why I am so anxious and scared and try so hard to be perfect.
She said something else that blew me.She said that deep down I really love my dad.And I am fighting this notion because its hard for me to correlate that love with the physical and emotional abuse he subjected us to. And she said also that I have tried to protect my kids from that with their F by subconsciously shutting him off from them, and that worked well for him because he didnt want to get involved anyway.
Whew!
And now the folks are coming over Sat night and I hope I calm down by then. But darnit, I wish I could give them a piece of mind. I wish I could tell them that the things they both did to me was not right.I was kid dammit. I tried so hard to be perfect, and not one of those traumatic events was my fault or happened because I was a naughty girl. NOT ONE.
I was a baby/toddler/child.
I will accept responsibility for anything that happened from 14 onwards, but thats it.
Shit this hurts.
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435 | | Posted: 9:24 AM, November 29th (Thursday), 2007 | |
Weepy,
Are you a fellow journalist and I haven't known that all this time?
Lost:
I think being pissed at your parents is an important part of this whole process.
You learn what they did that hurt you and exactly how it hurt you. And what they did that helped you and how. That helps you know where to focus your energies.
At least for me, that anger didn't last very long. As I came to see what had been done to and for me, I also realized that my parents were also playing out the "sins" of their parents and so on up the ladder ad infinitum. Our parents are a product of their upbringing as much as we are of ours.
Understanding my self led to empathy for them and for my husband, and eventually that led to compassion for all of us. That was the point at which I felt that I really started to heal from all of it.
BT
D-day 7/29/04.
Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003 | OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817 | | Posted: 9:39 AM, November 29th (Thursday), 2007 | |
((((Lost)))) The FOO issues is pretty rough stuff to deal with but I ditto what BT said completely. And I'll also add that it's really important to FEEL this stuff as the veil is lifted in IC and you begin to see the truth of your family dynamics. I had IC many years ago and understood all of it in my head but I had never gone all the way and done the really hard work - feeling how horrible it all was. So your anger is appropriate and NECESSARY for healing. Allow the feelings to come. Invite them in as Rumi says. They are a gift of healing and they hurt like hell. There were days where I thought I was going to die dealing with the LTA feelings and my FOO issues together. But they ARE all intertwined and need to be dealt with as such. You will get through it and the feelings don't last forever - unless you don't go through feeling them, that is. And I can attest to what BT said - eventually it allows you to see everyone's humaness and how we all operate from our wounds until they're healed. It allowed me to become a much more compassionate person.
ETA: I also feel I have to add that even though I felt like I was going to die going through it I have never felt so ALIVE since coming through the eye of the storm. For the first time in my life I feel fully alive and grounded in who I am. It's totally worth it Lost. Hang in there! [This message edited by OneToughCowgirl at 9:46 AM, November 29th (Thursday)]
M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!
Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago | weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790 | | Posted: 10:01 AM, November 29th (Thursday), 2007 | |
On FOO issues. We went into this in IC too. My mother really wasn't a very good mother. She didn't have any role models, being cared for by her maternal grandparents... extremely strict religious folks. Her mother and father abandoned her when her younger sister was born. (Wow, talk about abandonment issues).
At IC I basically just figured out that I was a better mom than my mother was and hopefully, my D will learn from me and improve on it too. I never really thought of it as "abandonment" when my younger brothers were born.. just natural that the older one gets less attention. Yeah, I wanted to please my parents... who doesn't? But I was also independent and don't think I was affected in my later teens and 20's by my upbringing. My fears and insecurities came from my now H. I met him at 19 and he never let me know where I stood with him. on the surface. But he'd slip now and then and let me know how he really felt under all the bravado. But then he'd go back to keeping me on my toes. I just thought it was worth it.
BT -- in a way... I work for a major nationwide publication at the moment. Have for 25 years. Started as a copywriter/proofreader in our Promotions Department, worked in Editorial for 8 years and now I'm in the IT department where I started as a financial liason and worked my way down to purchasing agent. 
I was a dual major in college -- Business/Literature.
My son is majoring in Media Electronics in college. He wants to work in radio or record production though. My brother graduated Drexel University with a Jouralism degree.
So yeah, I guess you could say we might have a thing or two in common.
(BTW if you're keeping track today is day #2)
Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 10:06 AM, November 29th (Thursday), 2007 | |
I had IC many years ago and understood all of it in my head
I understand why they did what they did intellectually as well.And I can empathise with their pain then too.
I just dont know whether getting angry with/at (??) them now, is a good idea.
My mum is 54 years old. She has had a really hard life.She was diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer last year, and the Drs told us that we would be lucky if we get another 5 years with her.
In 2 weeks time, she is making a holy pilgrimage, something she has wanted to do for as long as I can remember.It was the only thing my F could say to her, to get her to fight last year when she wanted to give up.
She is truely an awe inspiring woman.However, If I discuss any of our past, she gets upset, and uses guilt to make us stop. I'm sure she sees me as a representation of her mistakes.On her deathbed last year, she told me that noone has caused her as much pain as my H (and me).Even my F.Ouch.
So to repeat the question, how did you guys deal with the FOO stuff? Did you confront/discuss with your parents? Or did you just resolve for yourself?And then in the interim, how were you with them?
i know this stuff isnt directly LTA-related, but IC is convinced that its because of these issues that I "allowed" and "accepted" H to treat me badly, and its probably why I am still in the M.
ETA:
Mentioned my reading thrillers only now to IC, and she said thats its understandable, because thats one way of me dealing with my anger.  [This message edited by Lost Heart at 10:28 AM, November 29th (Thursday)]
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435 | | Posted: 12:44 PM, November 29th (Thursday), 2007 | |
Lost,
I decided not to confront or even discuss my FOO issues/questions with my mother. She is not a person who has really any insight into herself. She is very defended psychologically and would view any such discussion as an attack. She is 83 years old and in poor health, so I have chosen not to go there. I live a thousand miles from my parents, so I only see them two times a year at best. For the time that I was in that anger stage, I just spent a lot of time out and about or focused on superficial stuff around them.
I have, however, had lengthy and really helpful discussions with my younger sister about our FOO issues.
D-day 7/29/04.
Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003 | UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062 | | Posted: 1:37 PM, November 29th (Thursday), 2007 | |
Wow, I’m so behind here already! Couldn’t log y/day in as H was around and I have a “Santa run” down south tomorrow and will be gone for a week, so have been running round like a headless chicken trying to get pressies bought and wrapped and other “gifts” for the “it’s lovely to see you moments”. I didn’t do it last year b/c I was so down and had to prepare for 10 people being around for a week over Xmas. And OW was still poking with her texts. But, the further away I get, the better I’ll be, throwing little parcels of “baggage” out of the car window, mentally firebomb her house as I go by (there and back) and pick up the “baggage” on the way home. Anyone else get that effect?
(((svs))). Brilliant score. Came in part way through, but sounds like the LTA tribe have been wonderfully supportive.
LostH. I know. I know all of that, and H tells me much the same. The MC tells me too – that it wasn’t real, he was living another life in his head and it was nothing to do with reality. The marriage proposals were “part of the game” he says, that she knew it too. Well, try telling her that! There have been no more “revelations” since last August, and I think that has given me serious, uninterrupted thinking time. And I don’t like what I see. He has never taken responsibility for his personal relationships. He initiated and then he relinquished control. His first love; she was 16 and new at the school, there were established groups of friends so he did a “knight in shining armour” bit and rescued her, brought her into his group. It was an on/off relationship for about four years. He won’t change and go to her uni, (which is what she wanted) she meets up with a bloke (who becomes her husband), but what she REALLY wanted was for him to go and get her. He didn’t get the sledge-hammer hint. The next summer, he met me. I’d been attacked and raped a few weeks before, now this sounds unreal, but I was actually okay. Dealing with it, but okay. But, I guess he felt he had to be the knight in shining armour ….. Fast forward 2001, he emails her, meets her and finds that her m is not so great. In fact she’s really unhappy. So, he dusts down his steed and off he goes. Then, he finds he has fallen in love with her but lacks the courage to tell me it’s over and lets me think his change of behaviour is work related. So I offer support and take on all the court stuff (bad time, don’t ask) that I could do. He mosey’s along quite happily for a couple of years (or so I surmise) until she demands more of him. She’s still married, mind you.
Then he can’t/won’t tell her it’s over, that he doesn’t want to see her again (or shag her, but I think he quite liked that bit). He’s relinquished responsibility, saying he’s an “emotional prisoner” and “despite all his doubts and fears, it is not for him to decide, for he has chosen abdication” In other words he was being pathetic and waiting for fate to deal the hand. Which it did in the end. Conclusion: he’s with me by default!!
BTW, we were married 21yrs, the kids were 6,13,15&16 when it started. No’s 1&2 (23&21) currently are in Australia no3’s (19) in London and I’m here with no4 while H is elsewhere in London for a job i’view followed by SCHOOL REUNION drinks!!!! 
Last night with the MC, I said I felt that I was in a room with doors open on each side and they were for me to choose my direction; whichever one I chose, I would walk through it, turn the key in the lock and post it through the letter box. In other words, the decision would be final. But right now, I’m stuck in the room.
God, this is sooo depressing. Sorry.
Ps FOO? Wassat?
[This message edited by UKgirl at 1:59 PM, November 29th (Thursday)]
D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 55 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.
Posts: 3178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 2:54 PM, November 29th (Thursday), 2007 | |
Ps FOO? Wassat?
Ukgirl, thats Family of Origin issues.You know, the crap we gather along the way as we grow up due to our upbringing.
And you know what, being in that room with all those doors open, can be quite liberating. You have OPTIONS.You dont have to choose anything now, but at least the doors are open.
And next time you are in London, give us a shout out, ok?
My M called earlier on.She cancelled out on me for Sat as she has decided to invite her childhood friend over, someone she hasnt seen in ages, and who has been wanting to meet up for awhile.So of course I let off the hook easily. Yet she was the one who complained last week that she hasnt seen the grandkids for so long, and wants to spend time with them before she leaves.Ah well...
I dont think I will get anywhere discussing the past with her. She also has HUGE walls up.And I would end up feeling guilty if she gets upset.Or sick.
I cant talk to my sisters either.They dont see any point in rehashing the past.Besides it was a bit different for them. We (mum and I) tried to protect them, not always successfully.Also when I was discussing this stuff with IC, I realised that most of the stuff that did happen to me, didnt happen to the sisters. Sure they were subjected to the same emmotional and physical abuse as I was, but because I was older, I was supposed to be tougher and more responsible. Also they didnt suffer the same "accidents" I did.
Only explanation : I was born under an unlucky star. There is just no other reason why all the crap had to come to me, and not them.
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 2:55 PM, November 29th (Thursday), 2007 | |
FSA??
Hope you are ok.
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790 | | Posted: 3:03 PM, November 29th (Thursday), 2007 | |
So to repeat the question, how did you guys deal with the FOO stuff? Did you confront/discuss with your parents? Or did you just resolve for yourself?
Both my parents are gone. I barely spoke to my father from the minute he walked out to go live with his OW until his death. My mother and I developed an odd relationship toward the end of her life... I was her caregiver since she was ill and tied to Oxygen, barely left the house. I'd shop for her, take her to dr. appts, clean her house. She was never a very lovey dovey kind of mom. And being a BS, I now understand a lot of what I didn't then.
The night she passed, I had seen her at lunchtime and kissed her good-bye (not a normal move on my part at all) plus I told her I loved her. She told me the same, then grabbed my hand and said he was sorry she hadn't been a better mother. We held onto each other for a little while and I told her I'd see her tomorrow. That we were okay, not to worry. I treasure that memory of her.
So I get to work these all out on my own since my brother hasn't been told and the other is crazy.
Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA | hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197 | | Posted: 7:09 PM, November 29th (Thursday), 2007 | |
Sorry Tribe...I am in a really bad place and unable to cope. Just sent this email to the H. I don't think I can make it through this. It is too much for me to bear... 
I can't do this. It is too much. All I do is cry and despair and hate everything. I knew we weren't perfect but I thought we had each other. I thought that we had built something together that at some point was only about us. At some level, I thought it was at least you and I against the world and now I know that you were against me too. I can't stand knowing what you have done. I can't bear this truth (if this is even the truth). I can't watch the kids go through any more of this. I think this is worse for them than just splitting. The pain is too great. The kids are watching tv and I am in the study crying and typing and wondering where it all went so wrong and how did I not know. I am wondering why?why?why? Why me? Why these beautiful children? Why "our youngest"? She deserved to be brought into this world out of love and all she sees is pain and crying. She tries to make it better but she can't - no one can. It is so unfair that these wonderful kids are trying to "make it better" for me. When did they accept this burden? Who are you? Who was I married to? Why did you pick me to inflict this pain on? Did you hate me that much? Know that you have destroyed a loving woman.
"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu
Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007 | unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730 | | Posted: 7:25 PM, November 29th (Thursday), 2007 | |
((((((((((hurtshirley))))))))))
I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly right now. Do you have any family close by to maybe take the kids for the weekend and let you recharge your inner-self? Can you leave the kids with WH for a few days and do something for YOU?
There is no shame in not being able to get over this and move on. There is so much to process and deal with, that it is no wonder you are overwhelmed. Breathe. Do something for you. Take a mental break and get back in touch with HurtShirley.
I really wish I could stick around and chat with you, but I have to go. But please know that you are in my thoughts and I am sending huge hugs your way.
me-LTA BW
Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006 | OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817 | | Posted: 8:03 PM, November 29th (Thursday), 2007 | |
((((Shirley)))) I'm so sorry you're in this place. We all know it well. All you've said in your letter and the questions you've asked him have come out of all our lips time and time again. These are the rough and, what feels to be unbearable, parts and they are the worst hell to live through. But believe me, one who has been there, along with the others here, you will get through this patch. They do ease up eventually. Keep it coming here and wherever you can lean, lean hard. Don't be afraid to ask for support. Cry, bitch, keen, wail as much as you need. You'll get through this. There will be a day again in your life where this pain won't be stepping on your neck the way it is right now. As UTC said, breath. Just breath. And let it roll through you. It will pass. ((((Shirley))))
M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!
Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago | hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197 | | Posted: 8:10 PM, November 29th (Thursday), 2007 | |
As I said many, many posts ago - we have been together for so long that I don't know where I end and he begins. Weepy told me this was what her IC called enmeshment (sp?) and was not healthy. Well guess what? the part of me that was him is dying and it hurts so badly. He is not who I thought he was and that part of me has to rot and die. I think he may be borderline (or full bore) NPD. Hell, I don't know what he is, it's just not what I thought for so long. I know I am not an idiot so how did I not see. Was he that good at the disguise or did I not want to see? I don't know why but tonight the tears are flowing...
e b/c: hard to type thru tears [This message edited by hurtshirley at 8:11 PM, November 29th (Thursday)]
"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu
Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007 | | Topic Posts: 1000 | |
|
|
|
|
