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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, December 4th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Each of us is trying build something new and dynamic with old parts. Should be interesting

I am sh*t scared to be honest. Its almost like an out of body experience.I know I am going through this (whatever "this" is), but I dont know if my head and body and soul have all caught up with each other.

****
Anyway how is everyone else doing?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, December 4th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm doing just pretty shitty!!!!

Grrrrrrr.

Trust??? How will I ever learn to trust again?

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
What?  Posted: 12:47 PM, December 4th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First... thanks so very much for the support here.
But have you ever written down what happened to you?

No, I haven't written much down. I didn't even talk about any of it until years later, even to my sister who I shared a room with. I spent my teen years trying to protect her from what I was going through. I didn't talk to my parents (both now deceased) either for various reasons. Not a poster family for good mental health!!!

My H and I have been to Marriage Encounter (seems a lifetime ago - it was early in our marriage - 25 yrs ago) and I often wish we'd kept up the letter writing.

Last night might have been a breakthrough of realization for my H when I had a meltdown over Christmas dinner plans. Long story... we'll see how this plays out.

FSA... I don't know how you dealt with your dd's wedding on short notice. But you did know your now s-i-l.
Our middle son called last night (after midnite) to tell us he wants to get married on Saturday on the west coast to a girl he's only known since July! He's now planning to bring a bride home for Christmas. H and I don't know what to think. She is on a student visit and he doesn't want her to go back to her country - Indonesis. We are stunned by the news - we'll learn more later today.

So... I am in turmoil here. Thoughts and pulse racing. Time to dress for the gym.
Read you later


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, December 4th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostsoul - have you any more news on the wedding front? I am concerned about the "student visa" issue. Have you met her? Are you sure she isn't using your DS to get permanent residence? I hate to be negative about what might be a joyous moment but I am very cynical about everything these days....

FSA - what is going on? Why is your day going badly? Wanna vent?

P.S. Can everyone who feels up to it go to general to CBs "please,please help" and give her a hug?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, December 4th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostsoul - have you any more news on the wedding front?

Some news... wedding is planned for Thursday evg. No, we haven't met her and we are also concerned about the student visa. Our son doesn't want her to leave but he's also feeling rushed (according to tonite's phone conversation). 2 hrs time difference between us so he may call again.
It never rains, it pours!

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:23 AM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA..whats up my Friend?
We are here for you, you know that.

LostS,
I am also cynical (like Shirley).Can you not go through the options with him, so he feels like you are with him, and not against?
for eg.If she leaves now, will she not be able to return for the new term?
Can she extend the visa? OR go back and come on another visa? Sorry my knowledge on your system is v poor.

It just seems a pity that he has to rush into such a huge decision that wil affect him permanently. Its diff with FSA's DD because they knew each other for years. But a marriage based on a 4 month relationship...YIKES!

Stay cool and collected LostS.

Am off to an interview with an agency.Hopefully they might think me suitable for something. I desp need my luck to turn.

Have a good day Tribe.

p.s BT, did you decide what you are wearing tomorrow then?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning Ladies,
I'm doing o.k. Said that yesterday b/c I have found that in trying to take a step forward. Pushing the thoughts back and trying to become loving toward my H. I have a big problem with turning my inner self back over to my H. And it's b/c I don't know how to ever trust him again. I want to be a good wife. I want to have a good relationship but I hold back on the thought that "what if". What if I am doing all the right things, and have kept his sorry ass after what he did, only to find out that he is still not true to me. I'm struggling with this one. How do I learn to trust again????? B/c for me I have to find that trust again before I can give of myself fully again. Blah blah blah. Just another hurdle for me in this LTA life.
I so want to be happy again with all of this just a faint memory. Something I think about on occasion, and realise I haven't thought about that in years. YEA RIGHT. I've got a ways to go on that one. But in all reality the thoughts are lessening.

Lostsoul, wow what a blow. Don't know what to tell you. I've had 4 children to M. And I learned years ago it is almost impossible to talk one out of it once they've made their mind up to do it. But on the brighter side. My parents have been M for 49 years and they knew each other 3 months when they M. You can try and talk to him. Make sure he knows that you are for him not against him. And make sure he knows that there are other options than M. And make sure he knows what a real commitment means. Good Luck!!!

Lost Heart you sound better. Good!! Good luck today.

Better get ready for work.
FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know, FSA. He just lied to you a couple weeks ago. Why would you try to trust someone who isn't yet trustworthy?

Seems to me, he has to stop the deceit if you are to stop the distrust, you know?

Is IC saying that your giving him trust will help him to be trustworthy?


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MC had us put it in terms of percentages -- the trust factor. Right now I trust H about 75% on most things. I don't think that number will ever change. I figure he lies to me about 1/4 to 1/2 the time about stupid stuff. And I call him on it. Usually then he'll stop because he's figured out that I "know" any way.

But he's only gained that trust by being trustworthy. Every time he lied we lost ground and it took a while to recover.

And my first IC promoted that "theory" too. Trust him and let him live up to it... yeah, that worked real well before.

So BT, what ARE you wearing?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is IC saying that your giving him trust will help him to be trustworthy?
She said to quit asking questions, b/c I know ahead of time that he's not going to give the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So just don't ask.


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fsa, that's the point I got to. I know he's not going to spill and as I told someone else earlier, I just assumed the worst happened and heal from there, if I could.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've known for quite some time now that H is ready to be a good boy now. My issues and hold ups are the past. Hence, if he's behaving now, quit asking the questions. I'll never like the answers. And after so many lies, I'll never feel like I've gotten the whole truth, even if I do get it.
I think I kept asking the questions so that if I could feel like he was opening up to me and being honest, that then I could start to find some trust in his words.
But I do belive that he is ready to be the H he should have been all along. It just took him coming within a hair of losing all to figure that out. I never said he was smart!!!
And I've done good with the quit asking. I've only asked one question in the last 2 weeks. And I made a mistake, b/c I didn't like the answer and it caused a confrontation. So........don't ask.

But then I'm back to how do I find trust again. How do I give myself back to him if I can't feel that trust?????

Wish it was easy as giving it to him as a Christmas present. It would make a lovely present. But.....nah.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostSuol, for what it's worth my brother married a woman from out of the country whose visa was running up. They knew one another for 6 weeks before they got married. That was three kids and 27 years ago. I know it seems far fetched,(especially to us LTA survivors) but people can fall in love and stay in love, even when only knowing one another for a short time. I'm with FSA too. It's almost impossible to talk anyone out of quick actions when they're in love. You will most likely only get resentment. IMO it's better to be there for him if it falls apart versus him having to swallow his pride and come back for support after a fallout because of disapproval. Mind you, I'm not a parent (no kids) so you can throw my opinion right out the window if you life because if it was my kid I'd probably be up the walls with worry.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LTA: If you all are still up for sending good thoughts/prayers/tribal chants, my interviews are tomorrow (Thursday), pretty much all day. I'd appreciate it.

Weepy,

I think I'm going to wear a pretty standard black suit with a funkier blouse/shell underneath and pretty conservative gold jewelry. That was my sisters' advice -- of course one is a Wall Street type and the other a lawyer, so they're not in the industry.

The clothes the female anchors wear are pretty similar. I think our station is a little looser dress-wise than Philly, or any of the ones in the northeast.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LTA: If you all are still up for sending good thoughts/prayers/tribal chants, my interviews are tomorrow (Thursday), pretty much all day. I'd appreciate it.
BT, got you covered. And your choice of clothing sounds lovely. Go and knock em dead!!! They'll be wondering where you've been all these years.

Just in case anyone was wondering...my boss is out of the office today.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost,

Just saw that you had interviews today. Hope they went well.


LostSoul,

It bothers me that son feels pressured. I would probably pursue it from that front, you know, to be true to himself and not to sublimate his own needs to someone else's.


FSA,

Can I ask you whether what he lied about was something in the present or the past? I don't know why logically it would make a difference to me, but I think it would.

But in general, if you are living with someone who continues to lie to you, how can you regain total trust? Wouldn't that be kind of foolhardy? I just don't get that.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO it's better to be there for him if it falls apart

To quote my IC when I was having "DD" issues -- Our job as parents are to give our kids roots and wings and to provide a soft place for them to fall.

Hard lesson for an overly loving-controlling parent (me) to learn.

BT: Sounds great, but I'd go with BIG gold jewlery, but that's just me.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I ask you whether what he lied about was something in the present or the past?
My H is exceptionally honest about the present now. It's just A questions that he falters on. I think he tries to be honest. But he is just afraid to be totally honest with me. But on the other hand I have also asked for that. My reactions to his A answers have left quite a bit to be desired. Screaming, beating, spitting in his face, hitting myself, etc. But yes, I believe that he is totally open and honest with me with everything since Dday, as long as it is not A related. Did that make any sense? I think that's why IC says to just stop asking. And again, even if he was totally honest with an A answer, I wouldn't trust it to be the truth.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT, Of course we got you covered for tomorrow!
And your choice of outfit sounds perfect.Knock em dead!

The interview was with a recruitment agency. Since I cant find a job by myself (its been 2 weeks already!), I am hoping the agencies would. She had something for me starting tomorrow,(a locum position) but its over an hour away and meant me leaving at 7am and being back at 6:30pm.I could sort out afterschool care, but the kids need me in the morning.Hopefully something more suitable comes up.Thanks for asking.

FSA,
Your IC wants you to stop asking questions because you know he is going to lie.Like BT asked, is this about what he did during the A, or about the past generally, or about the present?

How ARE you supposed to believe anything then? How can you build trust? I am confused too.
***
H and I had another fight.Sigh.
Yesterday he tells me that he has copied a CD for me, when I ask him from whom, he said from X, the woman who sits across him. Now my attenae has been on alert to this woman because when she first joined, he kept telling me that she ignored him and treated him like he wasnt there,but was friendly with the other men on the team. Then I saw an email from her to him that was friendly,(nothing OTT but friendly nontheless).When I asked him, he said that he had meant to tell me about that, he was also confused why she sounded so friendly.He then started saying that she had chilled towards him, and was friendly but professional.And from Joanna, she was now Jo.He still maintained that he was strictly professional with her at ALL times.
So he borrowed the CD from her to copy for me. That doesnt sound too professional to me. He has problem maintaining boundaries with the women he works with. He is supposed to be strictly prof at ALL times.Which makes me wonder what he hasnt told me yet.
So I made a big deal of it, and he admitted reluctantly that he had crossed the boundary, but was more upset that I fail to see that he was doing something for ME.How can he NOT get that I would be upset??
Or does he get it but does it anyway?
I was so upset this morning. And still am.

Sometimes I think he does want me to break.And sometimes that sounds like an attractive option.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry FSA, you posted whilst I was still writing.So ignore my above to you.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
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