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User Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HAve you always been the fun of the party?
Could not be any further from reality. I am the quietest one at the party. Never like any attention drawn to myself. Very much a loner. Takes me a while to warm up to people before I can say much of anything. I guess on SI, I am able to be who I want to be.

Another plus for my H. I was trying to relate to him some of my lyrics for the past 2 days. He said that I should type them up and mail them to snaggletooth. I'm not going to do this but just the thought that he wants me to means something to me.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to all for the fog answers/comments. I don't feel he has one foot in the M. But I know he still cares for her and hopes she is doing well.

I know if she contacts him via email/text he will probably answer. Don't think he would pick up the phone though.

He wishes the A never happened, but I wish he hated her and what she has done.

He doesn't understand why I blame her when he was the one that had the A. I keep telling him she knew what she was doing, it took 2 for the A. But I have to put my anger on her so it is not towards him.

I HATE that he still defends her!! I guess that means he is in a fog, but he doesn't see her as the evil bitch that I do. And yes, that is very hard, and where my doubts come from. But I am so tired of the OW in the corner of the room.

I just try to stay in the present, focus on what we have now, and take care of me.

Love the lists. I try to do something for myself everyday. Even if just a little thing, it helps me to not "lose myself". I was a SAHM for many years and did everything for my kids and H. My kids are growing up and it is my turn. Working parttime in a job I love and know I would be ok alone.

After the holidays I will be "checking up on him" more and will have to decide if this is how I want to live my life. It has to be NC. NC ever, in any way!

Thanks again to all for the support. I don't think I could get through this without you all.


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
no mor surprises
♀ Member
Member # 7678
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurtbuthappy,

for my h it took a long time before he stopped caring for the fmow. He now sees her as a very manipulative, self centered mean person. He sees he as evil. It was a slow process but imho, it often takes a ws a while before they see who they were, who the op was/is and just how destructive an affair is.

((((HUGS TO ALL))))


Posts: 1768 | Registered: Jul 2005
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, December 7th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no mor - Thank you very much! I needed to hear from someone that what my H is feeling can take awhile, but he can get over it and we can get through it.

Last night we talked about her again and he told me he saw a side of her after DDay that he had never seen. Even compared her temper to his mother's. And I know that isn't good in his eyes.
So maybe he is starting to see her as the manipulative bitch she is. I can only hope.

FSA - Looking forward to another song to pick up my weekend. Thanks for making us all smile!


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, December 7th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

O.K. I'll try another one for today. Can't help myself, I guess I'm just in a singing mood.

We all remember B-I-N-G-O huh.

There was a slut from our old town and whoring was her trade HO
W-H-O-R-E
W-H-O-R-E
W-H-O-R-E
and whoring was her trade HO

There was a woman hid in the woods to do her whoring work HO
H-O-R-E-
H-O-R-E-
H-O-R-E-
Just a ho without re HO

There was a bitch which I would kill if she would show her face HO
O-R-E-
O-R-E-
O-R-E
She needs to meet me just once

There was a skank that thought that she could try and take my place HO
R-E-
R-E-
R-E-
That dumb bitch didn't have a clue HO

There was a gorgeous wife such as I that showed her who was boss HO
E-
E-
E-
I bet she learned her lesson HO

There was a slut from our old town and whoring was her trade HO
W-H-O-R-E
W-H-O-R-E
W-H-O-R-E
And if she ever shows up again I will turn the whole LTA tribe out on her old ass HO

Kids songs will just never be the same!!!

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, December 7th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess on SI, I am able to be who I want to be.

Thats a goal worth striving for IRL! Now if I could just figure out who I want to be...

To those who are feeling depressed and numb and sad:
When I told IC that I feel so sad and empty,and that I really hate feeling like this, she said that I am were I need to be, that I do have things to feel sad and empty about, but that this is a phase that I have to go through.She said it will pass when I am ready to move on to the next phase. When I expressed concern that I might get stuck here, she told me that she wont let me. However, there is no time limit.My soul will heal in its own time.

Do you know how that makes a control-action oriented freak like me feel?However I am learning to surrender to the process...

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend, and that at least one person, whether your child, grandchild, H or parent or whoever, reminds you that you are loved and are of importance.

(((Tribe)))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, December 7th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you are loved and are of importance
You remember this and I will.


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, December 7th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deal FSA!

Fnf, its freezing here. Remember to pack your woolies.
We are still on, right?
Anybody want to join us?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, December 7th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're still on Lost - and it can't be colder there I hope than it is here. It's about 30 degrees F and it's snowing today so I'll be ready for more chilly weather. I hope others from the UK can meet up with us too.
Hugs to all!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, December 7th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I told IC that I feel so sad and empty,and that I really hate feeling like this, she said that I am were I need to be, that I do have things to feel sad and empty about, but that this is a phase that I have to go through.She said it will pass when I am ready to move on to the next phase. When I expressed concern that I might get stuck here, she told me that she wont let me. However, there is no time limit.My soul will heal in its own time.

Yes, Lost, it will pass. I was in that phase for a long time (just ask Zanny ). You'll move through it when you're ready; when you decide enough is enough; when you start putting yourself first and doing things to make you healthy on the indside.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, December 7th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((LTA Tribe)))

Run, I am so very proud of you. You have made so much progress and are just giving the newer folks on this path so many words of wisdom and encouragement!

BT, Awesome, friend, that you made it through that interview and are rising to the challenge. The next one should get easier (unless you already got a job and I missed it in the posts somewhere )

FSA, Love those songs, girlfriend. You ARE the master of making us chuckle when we are down.

Lost Heart, From one control freak to another... I hear you. This component in my personality (well, and the vengeful side of me that wants to get back at people) made it a lot harder and longer for me to move through the process. When I finally stopped trying to figure out the "whys" of my H having the LTA and how I could stop it again, that was when I moved forward and found me. Although it took this horrible trauma, I now am glad that I found me again. I might be a bit more cynical, but nevertheless I am enjoying living again instead of living for someone else.

To anyone else, I just am sending great big HUGS.

Things are busy here with the new job & pending medical tests for H. BUT the most terrifying thing I have going on right now is that a "friend" I worked with (we were friend for 7 years!) has turned on me... she is paranoid about losing her job & when I moved to the new job she started thinking I'd done things to sabotage her. Anyway, she knows ALL about my H's A, and I am terrified that she will be spiteful and tell people I work with. And I know I should be proud that we worked through this crap and are still together, but I gotta say I am still deep down feeling embarassed that people will know I stayed with my H after he did something so horrible. And unless you've been through it, it is so easy to judge and say you would have walked.

Anyway, I could just use some positive thoughts and/or prayers that this former friend will not open up the pandora's box about the A. I wouldn't lose my job, but I think I would lose respect from some of my colleagues and you never know subconsciously if that would impact my opportunities for promotion, etc.

I will be checking in on you guys over the weekend.

Hugs,
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, December 8th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Ladies!
Well, I took a day off from computers completely! I had a day to get organized yesterday and I have to tell you I'm breathing freer today! Remember in my list the other day when I said I don't put up with much? Well I had papers and paperwork and all sorts of odds and ends hanging around and unresolved. I spent the whole day getting organized and I feel like a million bucks! It's funny, before Dday I was the most organized person you'd ever want to meet. Anal really. Now, hmpf! I let things go until it's almost embarrassing sometimes. I just don't see it all as important anymore. I guess I'm trying to figure out if this is a good thing or not. One of the things that has brought me a lot of success in business is how organized and "on it" I am (was). Anyhow, I think I let a lot of this get in the way of having a real life and paying attention to what I SAID was important but didn't act on because I was so intent on being organized, etc. The jury is still out on this one. When I'm in the foodstamp line will one of you please tell me I've taken it a bit too far?

HB - Sucks about your friend. Sorry to hear this has happen. It's amazing how a workplace can become such a cesspool when jobs are threatened and people are overworked. My H is facing the same thing in his workplace too. I'm thinking that just like our H's HB, there isn't much we can do to control our friend's behaviors either. She's going to do what she's going to do. Considering the statistics about infidelity, my guess would be that you'd probably attract a lot more deeper and loyal friends in the workplace who have been through infidelity if your friend was to tell others. And the ones that would judge you about it? Well, you'll probably find them in here (SI) sooner or later or asking you for advice some time in the near future. The conservative statistics are 6 out of 10 M's I believe, experience infidelity. Chances are SHE will be the one alienated and judged for barking about this. And if she's that cruel HB, good riddance! Hold tight girl. Something tells me this would work in your favor.

BT - Glad to hear you felt confident and strong in your interview! And now that you have the icebreaker out of the way now it's time to find your dream job!!! I'll be crossing my fingers for you!

FSA - You're killing me with your songs!! I'm laughing my butt off! I missed your OW humor! You all know how I love to rip on OW so FSA - glad you're back to it!! Oh, and how you doing with that list of how you're going to start caring for yourself? Liked hearing that from you girl.

Everyone have a GREAT weekend and FNF, not sure when you're leaving but if it's this weekend - have a BLAST! I'm jealous thinking about you and Lost and mum?? sitting around having a wonderful gab session in one of my favorite cities!!! Have a great time gals!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, December 8th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things don’t stop around here, do they? Well, caught up on your news, some good, some not so. But we’re all hanging in there. HB. Boy, that’s a tough one. But won’t it put your jealous (ex)friend in a bad light if she passes on something that was confided to her in the assumption that it would go no further? Your H’s A is history and there is no reason for it to impinge on your working life or work relationships. Your colleagues will be judging her more harshly than you.

LostH. Our MC is trying to get me to “move on”. Read my post last week about being in a room? It’s a positive way of looking at “stuck”, I will make a choice, but I’m just biding my time until I know which door it is to be. And I have to be certain, because there will be no going back. And did you send those letters? They read as if you should be giving them to each other, you are venting at him, which you have every right to do. They were his crap decisions, don’t let him dump it on you. But OWs are history, I’m with the others, best to keep them out.

HBH, Your H seems to be talking responsibility for his A and regretting the hurt he has caused not only to you, but to OW who maybe he led up the garden path. I didn’t find out until my H had to confess; he realised it would not be long before OW enlightened me, and he had decided years before that he wanted out. (But that didn’t stop him carrying on shagging her, which makes me wonder …) Then he still wanted to “protect” me by continuing phone/text contact until I said I could deal with her, but I couldn’t cope with his continual lying. Then he bounded past the business of feeling sorry for her to a state of pure indifference. But, knowing all that I do, I don’t hate her - never have, but I pity her.

I’ve been touring friends and family (a.k.a “Santa Run”) this last week. God, it’s hard. I’ve had a real problem keeping my trap shut; the words have been in my throat, I wanted to scream at some of the things that were said. No doubt some of you are reading this and nodding. 4xM friend-in-the-know said what had happened to me had shattered her faith in all men (her opinion was pretty low before!). Never thought he could do something so destructive esp when, at the time he started his A, FOUR couples were going thro D and two others were on a knife-edge. But he did, didn’t he? Cos what he was doing wasn’t the same thing. Yeh, right.

But the time away has also been thinking time. There have been no more revelations since August. That means I have been able to look at the situation as it was, at what he did, how long he allowed it to go on for, how he felt about her, etc, etc. So, those jigsaw pieces are staying in place now rather than getting thrown around every time something new came up and they are giving me a picture. I don’t like what I see. Not one bit. Not sure what to do.

Be interested to have feed back from LTA tribe on this one.
I have a letter that I wrote to OWH back in August, s couple of weeks after OW and I had a meeting. I didn’t send it at the time because I was dealing with my own fall-out and didn’t want more shit from her/them. It basically gives the timeline of the A and the effect it has had on me (but not more than a couple of sentences) and that I thought that if I knew him has a man, a father and husband, maybe I wouldn’t be writing to him. But two of my friends in the know have said I should send it. One said I should because it is a factual account and he has a right to know (bearing in mind his MIL, BIL and eldest child knew about it, which I mention) and 4xM friend was of the opinion of why should she go back to her cosy affluent life when she has destroyed mine. Bitchiness, I guess.

I did have a lovely day out shopping with a girlfriend and her daughter (they both know). I spied some shoes in a window. They said they looked fabulous, so I am now the owner of a pair of v high heeled red satin shoes with little diamante studs all round the platform sole and a little diamante bow on the heel. And I had to have the matching bag. LostH, they’re in Dune. And I bought a red velvet hunting jacket. Never worn red – until now! Therapy!

Have a good weekend everyone. H and I have the house to ourselves tonight. Think I might put my red shoes on.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, December 8th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I know I should be proud that we worked through this crap and are still together, but I gotta say I am still deep down feeling embarassed that people will know I stayed with my H after he did something so horrible. And unless you've been through it, it is so easy to judge and say you would have walked.

Heartbroken - I know just what you mean. The friends and family I chose to tell I have complete faith in but there are others, and it sounds as if this friend might be one of them, who are so insensitive to our pain that they can't be trusted. I hope your fears do not become a reality but like others have said, possibly it will make her look bad and you will gain some added support.
OTC - I leave a few days after Christmas and I can't wait to meet up with some of our UK friends. Maybe you still have time to join us. 3 weeks for you to start packing!
UK girl - my son just participated in a Santa Run in London - are there more than one? His pictures are hysterical. Looks like a very crazy time.
I don't know if I missed your other posts, but did you talk to OWH after d-day? If you did, how did he react? That might be the best indicator of what you should do now. If he has no idea, then I would think he has a right to know. I always regret the OWH in our case didn't approach me. Friends have said they thought he suspected. Now he is dead and I'll never know why he didn't feel he had a responsibility to share his suspicions. I could have ended the A so much sooner.
Sometimes too, if you are in a place where you need to move on and you don't want to deal with more fallout, it might be in your best interest to hold onto the letter unless it should become necessary. I'll be interested to hear others ideas. (((UKgirl)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, December 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I haven’t contacted OWH. It didn’t occur to me for the first couple of months and, as I kept having to deal with more information on a horribly regular basis, I wanted, more than anything else, to get her and keep her out of my life. As a person, she’s ok and the only blame I lay at her door is that she knew he was married. I wrote the letter after a dream I had where I was at the computer typing the letter to him and I could hear him reading it as I was writing. I had the first paragraph in my head when I awoke and that was it. (Sounds naff now I say it).

“Dear OWH, I am not sure why I am writing to you. We don’t know each other, we’ve never spoken nor met. I have listened to your voicemail message, but I assume that you no longer use that number. I know nothing about you. I have no idea where you work, what car you drive or what your habits are. But you are married to OW. And I am married to H. And I have nothing more to lose by telling you, in a cowardly way by letter, how my sunny future was turned into a meaningless landscape with a featureless horizon. They had an affair. H and OW. For five years. Did you know that? And I know that I will eventually divorce the man I loved for thirty years because he loved another. I do not blame OW; H contacted her, pursued her, seduced her and loved her completely. She was overwhelmed by him and stood as much chance of resisting as a sapling in a hurricane. She thought the love of her life had come back and that he was going to rescue her from her mundane life with you. Rejoined, reunited, back on the path they had both strayed from. Destiny.”

I then give a history of their school/uni romance and the A, the moment H told me and how I was/wasn’t dealing with it; finishing with:

“As I say, I really don’t know why I am doing this. If I had ever had the chance to meet you and appreciated you as a fellow human being, as a man, father and husband, maybe I wouldn’t. But if this were a jigsaw, you would be one of the four corners. You are not an important piece to me, but the picture is incomplete without you. I do feel a degree of pity for OW, but she should have waited to see if H was prepared to leave me for her before she embarked upon her affair. I think he would have left because her pull on him was so strong. But infidelity is never about common sense, rationale or anticipating consequences. It is about living for the moment in an alternative world.”

But I have this dilemma where I say “I realise this letter could be the samurai sword dealing a fatal blow to your own marriage. But why should you remain in ignorance (if you are) when your mother-in-law, brother-in-law and eldest child know? And probably some mutual friends who have been sworn to secrecy”. I’m continually oscillating because I feel guilty that maybe he doesn’t know and I’m being party to a secret that I don’t want and yet if I send it, it could cause him and their (grown up) children so much unnecessary pain.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, December 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK girl - My own opinion, for what it's worth, is that unless you think they are still in contact, this would only cause tremendous pain to the OWH and their children. If, on the other hand, you think they may still be communicating, then definitely send this letter. The only thing I would change is the line that reads, "he was going to rescue her from her mundane life with you." That would be unnecessarily hurtful.
How is it that his MIL, BIL and especially his eldest child know and he doesn't? Sounds like he might be in denial. Or is it possible that he does now know and they are working through this? I can't imagine that his own child knows this and hasn't told him about her mother's A. I can say this with absolute certainty that my DD would be on the phone immediately if she thought my H was seeing the OW again.
All that aside, your letter is beautifully written and only you can determine whether this is the right time to do this. I've read so many accounts where the BS tells the OWH and it backfires. I'm sure though this is not always the case. Protect yourself. That is first and foremost.
(((UKgirl)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, December 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Christmas wallpaper - nice!

fnf - I’m pretty sure they are not in contact. He has not voluntarily contacted her since I told him to stop texting/phoning in Oct ’06. The last text she sent him was a few months ago. I’m pretty sure she phones both his mobile and his business lines, but just to hear his voice (number withheld). It was OW who said H was going to rescue her from her mundane life with OWH, I just quoted it, but I understand what you’re saying. Her mum knows because OW turned up at her parents house with H in tow … Look who’s come to visit out of the blue … then later her mother said that what she was doing was v dangerous and that she was playing with fire. Another time OW’s brother was there, and there was no way he could NOT have guessed. Then OW arranged to meet H at the city where her eldest was at uni (about an hour’s drive from here) and introduced him as an old school friend – her DD guessed a couple of years later. I was dumb struck to say the least. It was as if she wanted people to know, paving the way for when they would eventually be together. Except for her H, of course. I often think my marriage is slipping away from me, but I suppose we all feel like that at times.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
no mor surprises
♀ Member
Member # 7678
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, December 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK

I read your profile and imho, your h's fantasy of his xgf did not match the reality.

Also, I would tell the op's h but keep it short and to the point, as in your w and my h had an affair for --years. Tell him who ended it and leave it at that. I would end it with how sorry you are for his pain.


Posts: 1768 | Registered: Jul 2005
zanny
♀ Member
Member # 13183
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, December 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I have been off of SI for several days. Hard to believe, but I guess the holidays are catching up with me.

HearBroken...I know it is hard, but I think this is one of those things that you don't have any control over. This is where all that we have learned is put to the test, and we have to learn to not live in the *what if*. I do agree with OTC that it reflects poorly on her if she speaks of it. The best she could hope for is some woman who has no life and wants to listen to driveling gossip. Anyone else would find it in poor taste. When you stop caring what others will think, then you are free. I know, easier said than done, but it's something to aim for.

Hi Weepy..if you are lurking!

UKGirl, I am with NoMore. If you send it, which I do think you should because I believe every spouse has the right to know what has happened to their marriage, short and sweet without too much fanfare. You write beautifully, but you may inflict more pain with the message if you elaborate.

Run, you are a beacon of support! Yes, I can testify that she was a floor hugger, especially in her closet! Look now though...so proud of you

FSA: I love your songs. If you are a quiet girl at the party, you sure do a great job of letting it out with the people who need it the most!

I HATE that he still defends her!! I guess that means he is in a fog

HBH, not necessarily. I think for men this is their way of assuming the responsibility for it esp. in the beginning. I think one of the things that happens in affairs is that men know damn well that they are doing this themselves. They aren't being coerced by the OW. Then, the BW enters the picture and starts railing against the OW and she becomes the object of whom we despise. A guy who wants off the hook easily will fall into alignment with this argument fairly easily; "Yeah, the whore ruined my life." They know, it's just not true. So, in the beginning, I don't know if they are protecting her as much as assuming responsibility which is a good thing.

Over time though, as females we are the ones to show the ulterior motive of the female. Um, simple things like, "She probably wanted more than sex with you." Hard for those male egos to fathom that one. To push the point further, "Um, she probably wanted a permanent relationship with you." Ooooh, that's a big one for them to comprehend. Then, you nail them with the big one "She wanted to be the step mother to OUR children." Well, as obvious as it is to us. WE can sum up OW's motives in a few sentences, they really don't see it that way. It's just good times that they took advantage of. Any feelings were secondary and more of nuisance than a motivation.

Which is why UK, when I read your stuff. Your H sounds like he was caught up in a highly charged emotional relationship, which I think is more likely to happen with past lovers, but it seems like he was in way over his head. Possibly using the emotional elements to justify the physical aspect which was his main motivation.


BS-Me
WS-Him
D-day #1 LTA
False Reconciliation then
D-day #2
In reconciliation


"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."


Posts: 573 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: The Middle of Somewhere
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Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, December 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On Wed. I met my h after he had a meeting with his co-workers. H and fmow now work in the same region and were at the meeting together. I saw her as she was walking out of the meeting. She was walking with another female co-worker. She and I stared at each other as we passed. When she rounded the corner, I turned and followed her as she was leaving the building. I was walking with my h and I said " Did you ever see someone who was a Whore able person?" The co-worker with her turned to look at me. Later my h and I walked out behind her when she was alone and I said Whore able, just Whore able. The looser freek kept walking.

I am glad that I saw her. She used to be somewhat cute but she now looks awful. Her skin is all dull beige and her hair is home colered an awful gold/brown( it used to be very dark brown) and is just the wrong length for someone who has a huge jaw. I looked good and I am sure that she saw that.

She is such a pitiful has been.


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