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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost, many many hugs to you. Stay strong, you're doing what is right for you. Scary as hell though!

FSA, sounds like a wonderful wedding--and congrats to Mrs. S--that's a good idea. Plus, how many times do you refer to your daughter by her last name? Too bad she didn't keep her name--then you could address cards to Jane FSA and John!!

We're supposed to talk tonight after our company goes to bed about the stuff OW is brewing as trouble for our next visit with OC. Plus I'm still feeling a little distant after the conversation we had about what he feels I expect and what he can give. We will have a conversation about that too--he thinks he knows exactly what I'm thinking all the time, and much of the time he's wrong!!

Z, I'm sorry you're having a bad patch--but it also makes me feel not so alone that after 28 months, I still struggle sometimes--even though life is decent and even good sometimes, the past still affects me in negative ways. I guess that's what the tribe is for!!

SVS--lots of good vibes coming your way.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question

Should I at some point just quit asking questions? When I think of something, I ask. But I generally get either a lie or a very evasive answer.

The question that I posed to H this weekend was very small. No biggy. My last child was born after H had 2 vesctomies. But he is most definately my H's child. Well this was brought up in IC. So H and I were discussing this. I aksed him what kind of conversation him and snaggletooth had had about this. He was Fing her at the time of his vesctomies and my pregnancy. So she knows all of it. He told me that the subject had never come up. Like I was gonna believe that. Finally after me being pissed for about 24 hrs he came off of it and gave me some lame piece of a conversation.

Should I just quit asking???? He really isn't man enough to ever stand up and tell me the truth.

When I ask these kind of questions, it's just something that has entered my mind and I'm curious. But I never get what feels like a true answer.

I am fed up with lies. Ugh.

LH, sorry you are going through such a tough time right now. Stand strong. H should have come through with your request!!!

SVS My vibes are with you as well as my prayers. Good Luck

LOL
FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a good question, FSA. One I'm grappling with as well. I have a small list of questions that have been swirling around in my mind and keeping me awake at night sometimes that I have been wanting to ask, but we seem to be on somewhat of an even keel, and I don't feel like rocking the boat. I, like you, don't feel I get the whole truth. I don't think they are man enough to face the truth about some of things.

For instance, after the initial Dday, I discovered H was trolling on a couple of those dating sites a few months prior to the A (nothing came of it that I can tell), but according to him, he wasn't looking for an AP at the time. Riiiight. I still to this day cannot get him to admit he was fishing for PA AP. I don't know why he won't just say it. He knows. I damn sure know it. Why not just say it?


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
heartache07
♀ New Member
Member # 16582
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with whether to continue to ask questions or not. My WS has answered everything I have asked and of course sometimes the pain is great and I wonder why did I ask. I think I know everything now.....at least he says I do but we all face the same dilemma...when can you believe what they say when they were so good at lying for so long? This may be a new one for some of you. My LTA was 5 years - DDay 6 weeks ago. We started MC and at the first meeting the Dr. by looking at his calendar realized when we had been in MC before he had started his A. How humiliating! On our 2nd visit he fired us....yes basically told us that he could not do counseling for us since my H had betrayed him too and he wouldn't know if he was telling the truth. He basically said "You are on your own". He made me feel helpless and that there was no future for us. I have struggled since last week. Almost just left. My H is trying (I think) and then the demons come back to me - maybe he is just good at lying and I am still in the dark....What to do.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Oct 2007
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On our 2nd visit he fired us....yes basically told us that he could not do counseling for us since my H had betrayed him too and he wouldn't know if he was telling the truth.
This is one of the reasons I haven't pushed hard for MC. H can't be honest with himself much less anyone else. I would not believe a word he said at home or in front of MC.

After his lie on Saturday. He knows without any doubt that I'll never be able to trust anything he says. So what's the use of continuing?? I'll take that up with IC tomorrow.

I've about decided the man is just not smart enough to grasp the concept of honesty versus lies. Lies get your ass in trouble. Honesty while it may be hurtful, can only help to clear the air. I think I'll start referring to him as stupid instead of H.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
heartache07
♀ New Member
Member # 16582
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand....so far (past 6 weeks) he has been very honest sometimes painfully. Bu where to go from here? I don't want to get comfortable and start believing him to get set up for failure. Interested to know how some of the ladies that are 2-3 years past DD have dealt with this?

Posts: 27 | Registered: Oct 2007
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, zanny! Love the holiday decor. Bravo, once again.

When the preacher announced Mr and Mrs __________ I turned to my H and had a few choice words for him.

Wait a sec...you didn't know your daughter's fiance's last name before the wedding? Boy, that was a quick wedding!

When I ask these kind of questions, it's just something that has entered my mind and I'm curious. But I never get what feels like a true answer.

Me neither, fsa. Just, "I don't remember."

On our 2nd visit he fired us....yes basically told us that he could not do counseling for us since my H had betrayed him too and he wouldn't know if he was telling the truth.

You know what, heartache, I actually see this as a good thing. My H and I were also in counseling at one point DURING the LTA. We came back when after d-day. Counselor knew he had been lied to as well. I think your MC sent a clear message to your H. DO NOT FRIGGING LIE TO SOMEONE WHO IS TRYING TO HELP YOU. Of course, that is the message a "normal" mind would get--I'm not sure about the mind of an LTA cheater.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
Brokenworld
♀ Member
Member # 15293
Frustrated  Posted: 3:44 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New digs already amazing!! Can's seem to catch up on on the latest...but I'll try.

Welcome to all the newbies, you will find incredible solace here, read as much as you can on all the threads the advice and experiences shared are invaluable.

SVS - hoping that all goes well for you - you are certainly in my thoughts.

LH - I know how hard it is to stand firm on your beliefs, but you did the right thing. I asked for a NC letter from my H for about 3 1/2 months. He came up with every excuse possible, but I think he realized that I was a loose cannon and he finally produced a 4 or 5 sentence note that I had personally delivered, complete with her autograph as proof of acceptance. Just know that any NC letter can be disccarded with a "She made me do it" call, so bear in mind the strength that the A has over our broken H's.

FSA - sorry to hear that you H lied yet again. I believe that sometimes they lie because it's easier for them than the truth. The problem is that after a while they don't remember what was originally said and we ask questions. Maybe some people as simply incapable of opening up completely and letting the truth come out.


Me: BS
Him: FWH LTA 10+ years
Married:32 years; Together 34
In R I pray
1 Daughter; 1 Son
D-Day 7/2003
Confrontation 8/2004
Relapse 8/2006
Reconciliation...2008

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: SE US
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartache - I am one of the newer ones. First Dday was 8/17/07. Came onto this site and received fabulous support. My H was doing *everything* that was asked of him - except telling me the whole TRUTH!!! Dday #2 was 10 days ago and it was a doozy. All the members here warned me that the whole truth rarely comes out at the beginning. I let down too many walls, I let him back in too quickly and I am paying the price now.

I am in complete agony. The pain is unbearable. I hate him with every fiber of my being. The last little spark of love/life was put out by his lies. He *NOW* says this is everything and I am inclined to believe him because I can't really imagine anything worse. But, he destroyed the last bit of trust I had and I don't see how to move forward.

We started meeting with a new MC (someone with some serious horsepower) but even she said the damage very well may be too great. I feel completely violated and feel as if my entire adult life I have been used.

Sorry to go off onto a vent but just be wary that you may not have all the truth.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
heartache07
♀ New Member
Member # 16582
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know Run Over my WS took it the same way. As much as I was shocked he said he was not surprised that he would "fire" us after what he did during MC. It made him realize he had a lot of work to do to gain my trust back if ever. When we are together having quiet dinner over a glass of wine or he is writing me his feelings I feel good and think there is hope....and then when we are apart I start triggering and start questioning. Am I getting duped again? Sad! Does it ever change?

Posts: 27 | Registered: Oct 2007
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When we are together having quiet dinner over a glass of wine or he is writing me his feelings I feel good and think there is hope....and then when we are apart I start triggering and start questioning. Am I getting duped again? Sad! Does it ever change?

Oh sweetie, I sure hope so. I'm 18 months out and I still ask. But there are those here with us that will tell you "YES! Absolutely it changes!" They've done the work and are happy and healed.

I think it can be done, but I don't think that's true for everyone.

What are you doing for you? How are you taking care of yourself?


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
heartache07
♀ New Member
Member # 16582
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is what I mean HS - that is my fear. I feel for your pain and am so sorry. My WS has told me so-o-o much that I can't imagine how it could be any worse. But I am wary....and I have told him that. He understands and says that his track record has not allowed him to be trusted. Take care...

Posts: 27 | Registered: Oct 2007
Brokenworld
♀ Member
Member # 15293
Frustrated  Posted: 3:57 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartache07 - I am one of those who has been dealing with the infidelity fallout for quite some time. If my H had answered whatever I asked I would feel much farther down the road to recovery than I do. Some BS do not want to know the details others like me do. I think that I have a need to know more because I still feel like there are secrets that my H and his OW shared that I will never know, and that makes me feel like she still has a type of power over me. I can't do anything about the past, but the CHOICES that were made at my expense changed the entire course of my life. None of this has been easy on either of us, but I made the decision to stay long before I told him that I knew about her. Will I ever trust him again - I think it is safe to say that I will always see things in a shade of gray.


Me: BS
Him: FWH LTA 10+ years
Married:32 years; Together 34
In R I pray
1 Daughter; 1 Son
D-Day 7/2003
Confrontation 8/2004
Relapse 8/2006
Reconciliation...2008

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: SE US
heartache07
♀ New Member
Member # 16582
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What am I doing for "me"? That is a good question. I have a pretty responsible job which is a good thing...keeps me focused or at least I try to keep focused. I am doing a lot of IC, i.e. reading. Picked up some good books and of course reading SI - has helped a lot. Have not posted as much but have read from about 1 week past DD....many wonderful words of encouragement.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Oct 2007
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ask because what I was told to do from DAY ONE here at SI was to take care of myself. Do nice things for myself. Build myself up so I don't lose "me", and so I will have strength to face what I had to face.

I didn't do it. And I know I'd be further along if I had listened. So now, I recommend that to everyone new so they will have the strength to heal.

Do something to bring joy into your life every single day. Make deposits into your "Me" account every day.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
heartache07
♀ New Member
Member # 16582
Sad  Posted: 4:20 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for great advice. I am tired of being and so I will start doing what you said. I know it is a long road ahead and it scares the H out of me.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Oct 2007
heartache07
♀ New Member
Member # 16582
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenworld - I have felt that way about OW - that she had power over me. I talked to her once right after DDay and it was scary that she knew things about me. It made me so mad!! How dare her. It was purely a SA and I think she lived vicariously through me. Sick woman. Yes CHOICES that we had no control over.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Oct 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone heard from SVS?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Brokenworld
♀ Member
Member # 15293
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartache07 - Like I mentioned earlier I've been on this path for a long while, and sometimes the anger, and pain are the same as they were on dday. I had to come to terms with the role that I played in their relationship... being an enabler. I thought I was doing the right things by taking care of my family, but I forgot to continue to invest in my M - big mistake. She took my place as his sounding board, and as his friend, and rather quickly it developed into something much more.

By putting together a timeline, of what was going on in our lives during as much of the A as possible I was able to gain a better perspective of their time together. That gave me some power, but not knowing all that I feel I deserve to know will haunt me perhaps forever. I don't know how long you have been married but for me I have a lifetime of memories and experiences that I have shared with this man and I have never been ready to give them up - that is why I have remained in this M, that and the fact that even after all that he has done to me, to our kids, to us, and to our future, I still can not imagine my life without him. But let me add this I will NEVER go thru this again - I now know that I am stronger than I ever thought.


Me: BS
Him: FWH LTA 10+ years
Married:32 years; Together 34
In R I pray
1 Daughter; 1 Son
D-Day 7/2003
Confrontation 8/2004
Relapse 8/2006
Reconciliation...2008

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: SE US
heartache07
♀ New Member
Member # 16582
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been married 38+ years, 2 Adult children, 3 grandchildren, and what you said hit home "I still cannot imagine my life without him!" Thanks for your words of encouragement. It will help to give me strength.....

Posts: 27 | Registered: Oct 2007
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