My tendency had always been to intellectualize my way out of things. Go into my head and think my way out of it.
I know I have been gone a while and probably am not up to speed on the specifics of your journey.
I too was like cowgirl....if I could intellectualize something, I could ferret out a path of reason and comfort. That's how I coped. And it worked.......until my world crashed from his LTA.
Lost, this infidelity nightmare defies logic and reason. You cannot and will not "think" your way out of the pain. I say this while sending you gentle hugs of understanding and empathy.... bcause I truly know how true it is.
The horse whisperer analogy is an apt visual of what it takes to finally give up trying to put mind above heart....to survive.
You (We) have to "feel" it..to "heal" it.
By feeling, I don't mean the gut-wrenching sobbing and seething anger and despair of it all. That comes on its own...comes with being betrayed like this.
I mean the ultimate surrender that this indeed has happened to you....and now what are YOU going to do about you?....now...right now while it all hurts so much.
I likened it (and still do when it creeps up) to walking through a dark and lonely tunnel..a tunnel that once you begin the path only has light at the end....because turning around and going back just takes you to D-day "again".......so you walk on, feeling what you feel...and finding meaning in the fact that you are still walking and still who you are....
There is light out there, Lost...but only you can recognize it when it comes.
However......"Looking for it" makes the path easier.
It took me so long to realize it.
Hang in there and never give up on your ability to survive this.
I'm wondering... how many of your marriages survived multiple affairs, and how many of your former spouses are still with the OP, and how long has it lasted.
All I want for Christmas is the KARMA bus.
Divorced 2009, Closing on house Nov 2011 -
No longer waiting for the other "she" to drop.
Are you divorcing? We have not filed or anything, but I know it is inevitable. For one thing, when I'm not numb, I am certain he will never be allowed in my life again, except for the fact that we share 2 children.
I really want "their" relationship to end, and for the both of them to realize what they lost - but I also know that needs to NOT be the reason I crawl out of bed every day.
I'm trying to be positive, and find reasons to smile and be among the living, but it's near impossible some days.
I'm not divorcing (not as of yet anyway). I'm still trying to find my "self" and get a hold on my life again.
H had a 3 year LTA with the same POS single "girl" diseased homewrecker. She's out of the picture. I'm 18 months out from discovery.
I'm sorry you had to join the club nobody wants to belong to, but this place saved my life--and I'm not joking.
I want to read up on everything related (mine and H's stuff too), then put into a nice workable theory, then work out a POA, then action.Step by step.
Lost, this is me to a tee. I have more books than I care to admit I've read, and I've still got a pile to go and several more on my "wish list" at Amazon. Hopeless. Still part of that desire to "fix" it instead of just "be".
As far as a list of what to do...you're doing it again. You can't read a list of instructions to guide you through this, hon. It's going to be your journey and you're just going to have to feel your way through the dark.
The house and responsibilities can wait. Your H can step up...or they can go undone. Do the bare minimum--and by that, I do not mean LOST'S bare minimum. I mean the TRUE bare minimum. Recruit your kids to do more around the house. It's good for them. They'll all have to step up anyway if you start working again, so get them to it. Don't worry about it. If your house is a mess, it can be a mess or someone else can take care of it for a while. You've got bigger and better things to tackle than dustbunnies.
edited to add: "diseased". Can't leave that out, ya' know.
[This message edited by runoverbytruck at 6:04 PM, December 12th (Wednesday)]
If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.
The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton
In fact, it was Christmas day that I realized something was up. There was no presents for me under the tree. My children were so upset that Santa forgot me that they spent Christmas day making drawings for me that they put in a book and gave me for Christmas. I cried at their thoughtfulness.
I was disappointed that my husband didn't buy me anything, but I thought we were in financial trouble at the time. At the time I didn't know why we now were in credit card debt. We in the past always payed off our monthly balance.
It turns out that he was spending about $1000 a month on this woman for the last year. It got so bad that he had to take money out of our son's college fund to pay the mortgage. I thought we were hurting financially, so I didn't question him about no gifts. What I didn't know then was that for Christmas he went out and bought her a tree and Christmas gifts, but for his family he got nothing.
Christmas got me depressed and suspicious. After New Years I started snooping and discovered his dark secret.
Months later in MC he says, "I bought you a present!" I said, "Oh yeah, what?" He stared at me with a dumb look on his face. Finally he said, "Some computer software." I shook my head and said, "That was for my birthday during the summer, and you didn't buy it for me, you simply said, "I don't know what you want for your birthday, go ahead and buy yourself something."
How can I ever celebrate Christmas again? It is a horrible reminder to me and just triggers my depression.
Did anybody else find out about the affair around the time of a major holiday? How do you get over the bad memories so you can once again celebrate?
Let us know more about your situation and maybe the tribe can help with advice.
I am saddened that we have two new members. But I bring you a big welecome, love and understanding. You have found a wonderful group of loving helpful people.
We all have different stories but we all are "victims" of the lta. This, unfortunately, usually is a long journey. Some of us have divorced while most of us are in limbo or have R or are in the process of R.
Sending huge hugs.
DMS, ForgiveNotForget found out the day before Christmas I believe. FNF, you around? She has quite a heroic story IMO. I'll let here share it.
Again, welcome to both of you. As much as it sucks for the reason you're here, we're glad you found us.
I'm almost 2.5 years out, and do feel better somewhat at last--at least in terms of what I can do for myself. H's feelings and actions are his own to deal with and if I can stand them, can stand waiting for him to go through his own shit, and can live with the result, then so be it. And if I can't, we'll see--
In my heart, I know I can live without him, wouldn't like it cuz of all the positives there were and still are, but it is strengthening to just know that fact. The practicalities of doing that boggle my mind sometimes, our lives are so intertwined after 30 years, but I know I can do it. And that's good.
Holidays are tough for me, especially Christmas, cuz I now know that he called her, from our home, each Christmas day, with his whole family in the other room--that still both stings me and makes me furious. So many things are spoiled by the LTA, as you all know--and I try to just make new memories in the present and chalk up the past as just that, the past--or when I think of things that we all did during those years, I try to focus on the kids and myself, memories of what we did together, and often just leave H out of my head. Works sometimes.
I don't post a whole lot (but lurk all the time) because I simply feel I don't have a lot to offer because after 16 months, I still don't know where I am. We are struggling to R, but I really feel like we will end up divorced next year. Right now, flip a coin between R and D; that's about where I'm at.
But if anyone ever needs a shoulder, ear or hug, I'm here.
Let us know more about your stories.
I bundled up my 3 y/o after the big kids left for school, and we went shopping. Now shopping for us means driving 120 miles into the next state because I live in Podunkville, USA with no shopping what-so-ever.
So the kiddo and I went Christmas shopping, not for our family, but for the two angels we picked off of the local angel tree. I spoiled those kids rotten! My big kids and I have started doing this together for the last few years, but this year we couldn't get a time together to shop, so I went with the little munchkin.
She was so cute helping pick out coats and clothes and games for the kids, and the day just left me peaceful, which is a hard feeling to come by anymore.
Tomorrow, I'm calling the charity in charge of the angel tree to see if there are any names left so I can do more.
Sorry, nothing A related, but I just wanted to share.
SO sorry you too belong to this group...
But know that we all are still breathing life back into our own souls...day by day, year by year.
H and I are still together. It has been an uphill trek with many backslides. I too had to reach a point where my needs and sanity and "healing" had to be on my terms.....while he faced his demons without the ease of filtering his stuff with me as his tour guide or inhouse therapist. We all know painfully too well what always happens to the "messenger"......I stopped being the messenger and translator for his dysfunction.
That was an impotant turning point for me...and for us...
I also know I could live without him, if I had to.....and he knows it too.
Perhaps it was that reality that turned his tide too.
DM, I understand about Christmas being a terrible trigger. My H also made contact with the slut on that day..along with New year's Eve before we would go out..Easter...the day my mother was buried.....vacations....etc.. you name it...it was ruined for me..for our M.
And our D-Day....???...
Why that was on Valentine's day .....when I discovered the receipt for the necklace (the one that I had specifically described to him when he asked what I wanted).....the necklace that was given to the POS parasite who stalked my life for 8 years.
Do I still sound bitter...uhh yes. But frankly, that necklace is now a symbol of just what emotional squalor really is.....two warped people trolling the depths of meaninglessness.
Yewtree, You may want to take a look at the group for When a WS leaves for OP, too..if you haven't already...as well as hang out here.
(((Hugs to all))))
No mor, I loved your song....actually love all of them by everybody...
Who would have thought that being cheated on would uncover such talent.
Most of us are trying to reconcile here but there are some who come in once in a while who are in the process of D'ing. Not to worry, you're still in good company here and hopefully we can help.
Ouch! That stings. Yes, I come in here once in a while.
Holidays? For the record my Dday in 10/31... nice!
All anniversaries are tainted. They were in contact every day (except my birthday, somehow that makes it worse!), Christmas, his b’day, our 25th anni (at the same hotel where we spent our wedding night), holidays abroad, Valentines, the lot. She was there, in my life and I never knew it.
You will get through this season. You will because you have to. Buy yourself something and make sure you take things easy. This year my H, my youngest and I are going abroad, something we’ve never done before. Sons 1&2 are on a gap year and no3 son is working. Kind of skipping Christmas, no presents, just finding the sunshine.
Yewtree – when my H started his A, four couples were D’ing. Guess what? None of them are still together. The two who were rocky are still M’d.
Edit note: Silly me, of course none of them are together if they divorced! I meant they are no longer with the OP they left the marriage for! Ha, ha and serves them right.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 6:53 AM, December 13th (Thursday)]
I have read and re-read everyones' responses, then copied it to my journal to read again.Thank you for taking the time to share. I hope that others reading will benefit too.
The message is sinking in...slowly.
As far as a list of what to do...you're doing it again
I started reading this book and straight away these lines hit home:
When you have spent your life running from the Bad Thing, you have to wonder what it will feel like one day when it finally catches you.
I told myself I was an adult now. I told myself I ha nothin left to fear. My father had directed my past. But I owned my future and I would not spend it running anymore.
I told myself I was an adult now. I told myself I ha nothin left to fear. My father had directed my past. But I owned my future and I would not spend it running anymore.
It is so comforting for me to know that I have you guys to hold my hand.Thank you. (happy).
UBC, I think thats a wonderful way to have spent the day! And what great life lessons you are teaching your kids.
Hello yewtree and DMS.
I'm trying to be positive, and find reasons to smile and be among the living, but it's near impossible some days
How do you get over the bad memories so you can once again celebrate?
How is H now?
Do you think its possible to discuss this with him, and tell him that you would need extra support/pampering/attention etc over this period?And even then,thats not guaranteed to make you feel better, but at least its something.
My first dday was 3 days before the birthday of my DS2 and 5 days before his death anniversary.Every year for that week, I would spoil my other kids, pray extra hard, cook special dinners etc. LAst year, this time was a blur.I did nothing.And that has really tormented me since. This year was hard too, but with the support of my Tribe here, I was able to do some of my old traditions.And next year, I know it would be easier.
You know that this Christmas is going to be hard. Plan now how you are going to spend it as stress free as possible. Some people are doing christmas different this year.for eg, Fnf is coming over to London to spend time with her family (YAY!!), whilst another member is spending it quietly at home instead of the usual one with IL's.
Do what feels right for you.
Your kids will be fine with anything, as long as you are fine.
Hope everyone has a good day today.
FSA, I know you will love it!
I've got a big decision to make. And I'm just now getting to where I can decide what to wear and what to cook.
I've been offered another job. It's a good job. But the one I have is also a good job. What to do, what to do. I HATE making decisions. The money is just about the same. But with the new job, I will be home much more. Work 3 days a week versus 5 days. But the new job will be somewhat more stressful (it will be in law enforcement). What to do, what to do???? I feel like I am on "Let's make a Deal". Do you want what's behind door #1 or door #2!!!!! New job is also working with my H. We have worked together in the past, and it was never a problem. What to do, what to do????
Looks like the boss is going to be out today. I'll try and catch up and check back in.
If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?
Your children sound so sweet and amazing. Focus on them. Celebrate them!
Great advice Fnf! Also DD, remember that although your H was an asshat, you were/are a great Mom. If I were you, instead of waiting for a pressie from H, buy yourself one, wrap it up beautifully, then put it under the tree.
Had my IC session today,and wanted to share in th hope that it might help someone.
These are the facts I gleaned.
1.I have a LONG way to go.No shortcuts or easy way to get there.And I am only at the very beginning.
2.I will make it.I will come out of this a strong, capable and independent woman, inside and out.
3.Whenever an issue/thought threatens to overwhelm me over this holiday season, I MUST let it go. It will always be there, so I can come back to it when I am able to deal with it.
4.I have no safe place.Even my safe room in my head is gone.That shocked me!I didnt expect that. Guess I have to start looking for a new one in the new year.
5.Even this place is not safe, now that I know that H can dip in whenever he wants.Unless he promises to stay out, and keeps to it, I shouldnt post anything that he can "use" against me.
6. The focus of this holiday season is going to be on not letting anything or anyone overwhelm such that I cant come out of it and for the kids to have a peaceful and safe environment at home (note no.3).
She used some EMDR that surprised me as well.
***Remember that letter wrote to OW and OWh.Well OWH~1 replied and basically he said that they didnt give a rats ass about our M (or whats left of it) and that the letter gave them much to laugh about together. You know, reading that I was pleasantly surprised at my reaction. I thought that I would be upset, but I just feel sad. I am done with them; its just sad that I should ever be involved in something like this in the first place. Ah well...
And where is everyone else today???