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User Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT,

Not wishing you luck, because you don't need luck to do your thing.....just confidence that you will do, and be, all you already are....one smart lady !!!

But prayers are coming that you do just that!!!

FSA,
Sieze the moment and go for the job....you are up for it.

fnf,
Thank you so much for the warm welcome back.....miseed everyone, including you.....

(very)abletocope,
I loved your project.....what a beautiful thing to teach your child about "giving"....

no mor, dear friend.....best wishes for a lovely time in the sun. Think of us here in the snow and ice.....

Happy Friday to all.

[This message edited by numb and scared at 9:52 AM, December 14th (Friday)]


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my IC last night that I just HAD to get back on the site and find out how everyone is doing.

I told her that although we came together because of one commonality, that we have found a hundred others, NOT related to the infidelity and she was cutting me off from a group of people I liked and cared about... NOT JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE BSs.

Her response was to ask me to do it for another week, so I'm giving myself today to catch up, look things over and PM my regulars and then I'm going to try and stay off until after Christmas. We have no C until after the new year, so it will be a good test of how we operate without others.

Has it helped? I don't feel any different than I did a week ago. I am still stuck and trying to deal with my last day here at work and my H's SUV breaking down on his way to work and that means I have to pick him up later and drive the turnpike at 5 PM. Nothing else I'd rather be doing (NOT).

Basic premise of last night's IC session ... leave him or forgive him. and I don't know if I can do either.

New members... sorry you have to be here as much as anyone else.

To all of you, my friends, have a wonderful holiday, a blessedly peaceful new year.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
snowbaby796
♀ Member
Member # 13882
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

unAble I lurk a lot lately too because I flip flop more than a presidential candidate. Today I'm leaving tomorrow I am staying.

but, I have finally decided to leave. right before christmas, great timing!! But, I am at the point I just can't stand another minute. I cannot suck it up and try. It's been 10 months and he has hurt me a few more times, being very selfish and inconsiderate, keeps lying, I know I have not gotten the full truth. A few weeks ago threw at me that something he told me on Dday to explain what his friend had told me was not true. It was really OW#2 husband who used to drive by our house 15 years ago and he'd call his friend in a panic. He made up the story of some anonymous woman he picked up at a bar because I hadn't found out about OW#2 yet so he didn't want to be honest (heaven forbid) and get me suspicious about her. But he waits all this time to finally tell the truth. So told the kids last night, he says how could you tell them before christmas don't you think of anyone but yourself. and how could i do that to him and mess up his relationship with them. He doesn't think what he did is the cause, my telling them is the cause. I said you will now have to do the work to repair your relationship with them, their are consequences to your actions.
He chose to sit back and do nothing to reconcile for 10 months and now he is shocked that I'm done with him. Now he wants to go to counseling, um we tried that and you lied so much the C gave me a lecture on how hard it is to be married to someone so jealous and possessive. So, no thanks.
What made me know this is the right thing is, every day I felt depressed, miserable. Getting anxiety issues I've never experienced before, don't leave the house for days(I work from home). The only time I feel any happiness, any relief from the debilitating misery is when I plan to leave him. After I told the kids I was happy, felt light, was whistling, actually had a little energy and did a few things around the house and shoveled and called a friend. I've been avoiding people too. Haven't been on here, haven't called friends or gone to lunch or something that I always did prior to dday. But, now I want to again. Deciding to D is like coming out of a dark cave into the sunshine. I feel good for the first time in a very long time.


"Betrayal of yourself is still betrayal nonetheless, it is the highest betrayal" Neale Donald Walsch
"State the obvious I didn't get my perfect fantasy I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me" Taylor Swift

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Weepy!!
Not seeing you here was weird. I did miss you.
leave him or forgive him. and I don't know if I can do either

Did she say you have to decide now? JUst when so many big changes are happening in your life? Ultimately, yes I agree we would have to come to that junction (leave or forgive), but not till we are ready..or our hand gets forced.

Anyway, hope your last day goes well, and tomorrow marks the start of a whole new better and brighter road for you!

Snowbaby,

I feel good for the first time in a very long time.

Well good for you for making a decision, and feeling better for it! Do you intend to S for awhile, or go straight to D?
How did your children react this? They are much older than mine, so would be able to understand more.

When I read your line about him calling you selfish for telling the kids, that reminded me of H. He also said that to me.
Guess they are just regular samaritans huh?

This holiday period will be different for you. I wanted to wish all the best.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
snowbaby796
♀ Member
Member # 13882
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I told my daughter about the A's she said i can't believe you could stay with him, I don't understand how you could sleep in the same bed with him.
My son, who is 21, said, how are you going to pay the mortgage?
Which is a concern, but I can't stay with him for money anymore.
We had serious problems before the A came out and I've just had enough.

weepy why does the IC say to stay away? Not having support and people to talk to will help how?

Sorry to all of you here especially newbies. This is a very confusing painful circumstance to be dealing with. I am 10 months out and I am just emerging from a period of withdrawal from the outside world, didn't even come on here for months. Didn't want to talk to anyone or do anything. This roller coaster ride is very hard.


"Betrayal of yourself is still betrayal nonetheless, it is the highest betrayal" Neale Donald Walsch
"State the obvious I didn't get my perfect fantasy I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me" Taylor Swift

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2007
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Snowbaby- my WH pulled something similar right at d-day when I wanted to tell OW's H. He was worried that if I told OW's H about the A, OW's H would kill himself due to his history of severe depression. Yeah......telling him is what'll do it, not the fact his wife was fucking around......

I'm glad you've come to a decision that gives you peace.

Weepy- we've all missed you here.

leave him or forgive him

If only it were that simple

[This message edited by unabletocope at 1:42 PM, December 14th (Friday)]


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the good wishes. My scores were respectable in verbal and acceptable in math, so I am happy.

I do feel like I was hit over the head a couple dozen times this morning, so I am going to have a cup of coffee before I get down to work.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT- glad to hear it went well.


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday dear me, Happy Birthday to me...

Just returned from an H-scheduled pedicure to find a personal chef in our kitchen making dinner for the family - a gift from the H. I hope he has given me the greatest gift of all - the truth.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
snowbaby796
♀ Member
Member # 13882
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

happy Birthday hurtshirley. Wow, what a nice and thoughtful gift! I hope you get your birthday wish too.

BT, congrats on doing well on your exams!!


"Betrayal of yourself is still betrayal nonetheless, it is the highest betrayal" Neale Donald Walsch
"State the obvious I didn't get my perfect fantasy I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me" Taylor Swift

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2007
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deciding to D is like coming out of a dark cave into the sunshine. I feel good for the first time in a very long time.

I have always thought I would feel this way if I made the decision just to leave--stop the madness. As it is, I feel like I'm climbing uphill through quicksand. Getting off the mountain seems like it would bring so much relief. <<sigh>>

YAY, BT!!! Glad to hear you'are happy with how you did.

Have a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Shirley!

fsa, I forgot to say--God has a way of bringing you things you need. Perhaps a job change will be good for you. <<shrugging shoulders>> Is it something where if it didn't work out, you could go back?

On the other hand--do you want to see your H that much??

Good to see you weepy! Keep up the challenges--I think they work for you.

Basic premise of last night's IC session ... leave him or forgive him. and I don't know if I can do either.

Hon, you've been here for over two years. At some point...you must do at least one of these things. Maybe leaving him will be a catalyst to forgiveness. You don't have to stay with him to let it all go.

Are you happy? Do you want to die the way you are? We will not live forever. We owe it to ourselves to find peace and happiness with or without them.

Good luck!


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
snowbaby796
♀ Member
Member # 13882
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We owe it to ourselves to find peace and happiness with or without them

Well said ROBT well said


"Betrayal of yourself is still betrayal nonetheless, it is the highest betrayal" Neale Donald Walsch
"State the obvious I didn't get my perfect fantasy I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me" Taylor Swift

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2007
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday Shirley!

What a fab present from your husband. I hope you enjoy tonight.


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
DMS88
♀ Member
Member # 13461
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks ForgiveNotForget! You are amazing. I wouldn't have been able to make it though Christmas. You are a strong woman.

I laughed when I heard you threw away everything she gave you. I burned everything that he ever bought on his business trips to her town. All the t-shirts, hats, everything. He emailed her a photo of him in his new suit... that suit went in the fire. He had bought himself a Christmas gift while at her town... he didn't buy anything for me and the kids, but he bought himself a gift. Into the fire it went.

He was pissed, but said he understood. He just asked me, "Don't burn my power tools." I said to him, "Did you use any of your power tools on her?"

I guess Christmas is just a really sore subject because my computer crashed while I was making 2007 family calendars and writing up the Christmas letters. He refused to let me use his computer to print out these items. He said, "I don't want you crashing my computer!" Now I know he didn't want me to run across any incriminating evidence on the computer.

One day he came home and the kids and I were tracking Santa on the Norad site and he went nuts on me.

Well, his behaviour was his downfall. He didn't buy me a present for Christmas so I bought myself eBlaster a keystroke capture program.

Serves him right.

We are currently in MC. It has helped to get things out in the air. He says he was unhappy in the marriage, and he probably has just cause. I could have done a whole lot better, but I realized that he was unhappy in the marriage in the last three years because I became unhappy in the marriage for the last 5 years.

I now realize his increased alcoholism and anger management issues had made me very unresponsive to him.

If I can just get over the terrible pain of the betrayal, then I think we will have a stonger marriage. I am no longer taking his shit anymore. For the last five years I pretty much avoided him because of his angry outbursts. Now his drinking has decreased and his anger has improved.

I just hope I am not living through another false R. I don't think I am since my gut feeling is telling me it is probably over. While I was in my false R, I was angry at him and just could not forgive him. He treated me badly and I didn't feel good about the R. I didn't feel good about R until October and I later found out that he really ended the A in October. Even though I didn't know it, the only good two weeks we had in 2007 up to that point were the only Affair-free two weeks. Then the OW wrote me to get revenge on him for breaking up with her. Then everything went to hell. We are slowly recovering.

I just hope it really is over.

[This message edited by DMS88 at 6:58 PM, December 14th (Friday)]


Me: 47 years old
Husband: 46 years old
Married: 22 years, together 25
Two children, 7 & 8
Discovered the affair: 4 Jan '07. It started in March '06.
Second D-Day 9 October 2007 (same woman).
Reconciling--hopefully not a false R

Posts: 1518 | Registered: Jan 2007
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Snowbaby, glad your decision is giving you some relief. Good luck.

Weepy, leave or forgive is too stark, especially since it's "only" been 2 years--who can really forgive such hurts of such magnitude in that time frame? Not too many of us.

Plus remember, you aren't required to forgive, at least not all of it--some of it one just has to accept. But it is your own feelings that count, as well as H's actions--your IC doesn't have to live with or without your spouse!!

BT, congrats!

And support for everyone else I read here in all endeavors--too many to list but I cheer on all your gains and feel for all the trips backward on this roller coaster.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hello LTA... welcome newbies who joined while I was away (sorry you are here - this is a really supportive place to be). I skimmed the posts - so much to digest but I'll likely re-read later.

Happy Bday HurtShirley.

The wedding was beautiful... very informal but still quite touching. I was able to put the A out of my mind for a while!

Now I'm back... trying to get motivated for Christmas (1st one since D-day... it seems there are a few of us trying to cope this season) and prepare a guest room for the newlyweds who arrive tomorrow.

It's getting late. Read you tomorrow. Holding you in my prayers...


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, December 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, leave or forgive is too stark, especially since it's "only" been 2 years--who can really forgive such hurts of such magnitude in that time frame? Not too many of us.

Plus remember, you aren't required to forgive, at least not all of it--some of it one just has to accept. But it is your own feelings that count, as well as H's actions--your IC doesn't have to live with or without your spouse!!

Weepy, whimsey's advice here is sound..
Absolutely there are parts of the LTA that are not "forgiveable".....but in order to successfully "R" they do and must fall into the category of resigned acceptance.

You can't undo what he did....none of us can.

It has to be about how and what you do with your feelings about it all...and some of it will sting for a long, long time.

This, unfortunately, is one of the inescapable elements of the LTA. The few books out there that do address the peculiarities of the LTA suggest that the "getting past it" is commensurate somewhat with the length of the betrayal.

Aren't we all lucky to be in such a unique and special category?

((((Weepy))), only you will know when and what your ultimate decision will be.

Happy Birthday, Shirley.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, December 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah BT! Knew you could do it!

Shirley - Happy belated birthday!! Can't wait to hear about the rest of your presents!

Snowbaby - Good to "see" you. Really glad to hear you've come to a decision point. And I think your heart is telling you that you've made the right one. I hear freedom in your words.

DMS - Sounds like you both have a lot of work to do and that some of the layers are coming off already. Stick around here. There's plenty of good support and sound advice as you go through this.

LostS - Glad to hear the wedding was wonderful. Looking forward to hearing about your new DIL.

Numb - I just love coming in here and seeing your name again! So glad you're back with us!!

Weepy - If you're reading, I agree completely with Wimsey and Numb. Resigned acceptance is possible. As we all know, there's no black and white in LTA land!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, December 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey folks. I decided to come and go as I feel necessary and I feel it's necessary!

BT: Congrats, I'm sure you did just fine dear.

Shirley, Happy Bday

Snow, I surely know that feeling. The one time I was sure I had decided it was over, I felt free.

robt: I know. I just can't seem to make myself do it.

25: I've missed you girl!

I don't know what I feel. I know it's certainly not as desperate as I felt for what seems like a lifetime. What I'm going to work on now is doing things for myself, doing them my way, not worrying about what he thinks or feels about it. I'd really love him to be on the same page as me, but doesn't look like that's going to happen.

We had a bad day yesterday. Nothing A related directly. His car broke down, the severance package didn't come in until hours after I expected it. My final check was lower than I expected because they doubled up my withholdings for medical and my 401. He was just full of negativity and I finally asked him just to shut up last night as we were getting ready for bed.

And this morning we were in disagreement about one of our D's Christmas present requests. She was very specific about it. We can afford it, he wants me to go discount store for it and it ISN'T WHAT SHE WANTS. He hates "status" stuff. But I calmly asked him if he wasn't brand specific about a lot of his purchases... tools, for example. But that's "different". I went on to say we bought the kids iPods, not off brand MP3 players... electronics are "different". She apparently wants this item because "everyone else has it". Why can't she fit in with everyone else? Why does she always have to be different? Live with cheap, because HE doesn't get it?

These kids sacrificed most of their lives because he would have a fit if I bought them name brand clothing... paid more than $20 for their sneakers because HE was happy with Kmart brand. What he didn't get was that I was replacing the Kmart brands 3x as often as I would have if I'd bought the Nike.

And then the infidelity comes in.... yes, he went cheap with the hookers... but he still blew THOUSANDS. But I can't bring THAT up, can I? Because that was DIFFERENT! Boy I wish I had brand specific hooker info!

Even though I didn't know it, the only good two weeks we had in 2007 up to that point were the only Affair-free two weeks.

DMS, I had the same thing happen... in December 03, he suddenly changed. He was home, responsive, loving, generous. I was dumbfounded. But of course, after 10 years of general environmental abuse and mistreatment, I didn't respond like he wanted... so he asked for a divorce. THAT's when I started looking at my behavior and we went on to have a great 8 mo of 2005.... until the OW went and died and he got clumsy and stupid and got caught.

We haven't had that 2005 feeling since.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, December 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well done BT! You did great.

LostS, glad the wedding went well. It would be nice to have a new addition to the family this holidays. It might provide you with some distraction esp since this is also your first since dday.

Shirley, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Your H sure has good taste in presents. So what did the chef cook up?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
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