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Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
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hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197 |  Posted: 1:18 PM, December 15th (Saturday), 2007 |     |
Hello all....reporting in on the Bday. I am so used to either planning my own bday or doing the cooking myself that I had bought all the groceries, etc. My H stayed home for the day (which was interesting since I had to go to the office). Then he told me to "be available" at 3:30. Was taken to the salon for a pedicure and was picked up an hour later. Came home to find an unknown car in the driveway. The chef was in the kitchen finding her way around with the help of the older girls.
We had a delicious dinner of wild greens with almonds and goat cheese, truffled mushroom risotto, lamb chops with roasted brussel sprouts and, for dessert, ice cream with dark chocalate sauce. Each course was served with a different wine  . The 3 sweet girls chipped in their own money to buy me a lovely gift from Coach. I was completely in tears with them hugging me. It was such a nice night completed by me falling sound asleep on the couch in front of the fire (I love doing that). Went to bed later and slept until late this morning.
Wish every day could be like that. H left a while ago to take one of the girls somewhere. Left his work pc here, open and logged on. I felt bad (not too bad) but I went through all of his email folders including the deleted files, sent, etc. and found nothing. Do you suppose he is telling me the truth? I am too scared to hope.
P.S. I called him on his cell to tell him what I was doing (full disclosure) and he said go ahead, I have nothing to hide. Please let that be true....
"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu
Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007 | BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435 | | Posted: 3:11 PM, December 15th (Saturday), 2007 | |
Shirley,
Happy birthday. That sounds like a glorius meal and how cool of your girls to get you something from Coach.
Glad also that the laptop came up clean. Every little bit helps.
LostSoul, glad the wedding went well.
D-day 7/29/04.
Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003 | UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062 | | Posted: 4:48 PM, December 15th (Saturday), 2007 | |
Wow! Busy weekend here! 9.45pm in the UK. Nice glass of Chardonnay next to me.
Snowbaby. Oh how I feel for you. I hope you feel a whole lot better for this. Sometimes just making the decision opens the door into the sunshine and takes you out of the locked room you were in. More rough roads ahead, but the grit’s there. Hugs to you and, if your go the D route, may you see that day when he stands on your doorstep with that look which says “I f*cked up”. It will cross his face and you will see it.
Weepy, if you get support from here, then take it. We don’t berate you, we don’t condemn either you or your WS, we understand exactly what you are going through. But if you want time off from us, that’s fine too! Just be sure to check in from time to time with updates ‘cos you know we are concerned. OK? And I don’t think I will ever forgive, not really. I guess perhaps accept and consign to history and experience. As to presents, my H never gave input, so couldn’t complain about the cost. If he was to get off his ass and go shopping, then it would be his call. I never had to call his bluff.
Hey Shirley, missed your b’day! Hope you got everything you wanted (well, nearly!) and it sounds that the meal and evening went fabulously well. May it keep you on a high for many, many days. I think your H did everything he could to make it wonderful for you. But those niggling doubts …. put them to one side for now, look back and feel that warmth of the day. Hugs to you and well done.
Kind of missed out the last couple of days. PC back up and running, my laptop is now my own again, thank God! BUT. I had to load everything onto retrieved hard drive, I’m a little better than my H, but I was USELESS!! Mrs can-do-it-all-I-don’t-need-a-man woman fell to bits. The can’t-cope me came out “I can’t do this, what if it goes wrong, what if I lose all your stuff, what if I cant get the email accounts back up, etc, etc. He says he’s sorry that he’s obliterated my confidence to be able to do these things, it’s all his fault…... I’m soooo stressed and it’s only a bloody computer!!! Anyhow, took all day (I kid you not!), but it’s mostly sorted. <<sigh>>
FSA – decided yet? No? Have another glass of wine!
DMS88 – Sad to see you here, hope you can get through the season. Make your decisions in the clearer light of the NY. Christmas is incredibly stressful and women take the bulk of the strain. Love your kids and enjoy this time with them. Sod him!
LostSuol, do hope you can hold it together, it will be a tough time. Just put on that smile – it’s on the dressing table. You’ll be surprised, ‘cos it lasts all day, although H might have to help with “moments” while you repair. All that being busy might get you through though. I spent last year waiting for OW to do something, or for H to sneak off, but she didn’t and neither did he. I also thought of the previous years when my H would “walk the dogs” or sidle off to the study to phone her. I don’t remember much of it, which is a shame ‘cos the parents (83 & 79 and his are 77 & 73) both come up and spend the Xmas period with us. Everyone gets on so well and we are really close. A household of 10 for a week. But this year is different. H, our youngest and I are abroad seeking sunshine with some friends. (#1 & #2 sons are in Australia and #3 was supposed to be in Thailand, but he hasn’t enough dosh!). But I know Christmases will never, ever be the same.
BT – results due when? I got a cert in the post today for my IT course. We know we can do it, get that brain going! Exam? Bring it on!
Meanwhile, no news from the OWH. And last night my H said that he’d had a text from her “5 or 6 weeks ago” (yeh, that means 2 or 3), some quote and she was probably drunk so he deleted it. I thought he was supposed to be showing them to me? So I’m glad I sent the letter. I’ve got my arms over my head, just in case!  [This message edited by UKgirl at 4:52 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]
D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 55 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.
Posts: 3172 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK | Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492 | | Posted: 8:37 PM, December 15th (Saturday), 2007 | |
Hey ladies, just got a chance to check in.
Hate I missed your birthday Hurtshirley, but happy belated birthday. Sounds like your H did real good.
Decided not to take the job!!! I spent a little while around the sheriff dept, just enough to see alot of tension, back stabbing bs, and turmoil. No thanks. I don't need any of that. That's why I left it 6 years ago. The jail capt/head dispatcher will be leaving in March and that will open up another position. Maybe if things are better then I might reconsider it.
My current job now doesn't have any of that kind of stuff. We all get along great. I sure could have used more time at home, but not at that cost.
Still feeling great though. Not even taking any of my xanax right now. Haven't had to have any in about 3 days. YOO HOO!!!
Spent the whole day today in a large barn filled with animals. DD showed her heifer and her lamb today. She did great. Reserve Grand Champion on her heifer. If you've never been to one of these shows, it's something to see. They wash and blow dry these animals. Even curl their hair on their tails with curling irons. They spend hours grooming cows. They even carry a cow comb in their back pocket so that when the judge rubs the cow, they can fix it's hair after he walks away. This was not one of her big shows, just kind of a practice show. She'll start the big shows in Jan. She travels to several of the big cities in Tx and loves showing her animals. But it got cold today. We had a great day, but we were glad to get home.
Hope this finds ya'll having a good day.
Check back later.
FSA
Together we're working through an LTA
If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?
Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007 | UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062 | | Posted: 8:28 AM, December 16th (Sunday), 2007 | |
There are good days to be had! Can you send one to me FSA, please?
Haven't told my H about the letter to OWH. Should I, or is it something I have done for myself? OW hasn't contacted (which is a BIG surprise  )
D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 55 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.
Posts: 3172 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 6:50 AM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 | |
Good morning all!
Have spent the better part of the morning doing some prep for the interview on Wednesday.
If you guys remember, please keep me in your thoughts then.I desp need a job. 
Shirley, impressive dinner!
Great that the pc check was clear. If you want to, you could even install a keylogger.Yes there are loads of ways around it, but it does give you some peace of mind.
Ukgirl, why didnt he tell you immediately? Does he know by now that that is what he is supposed to do.Further, I would encourage him not to erase anything, until you give the clear. 
I would tell him about the letter.It seems like you both are keeping your little secrets. I dont like it. 
O/T, saw that you signed up for the Brit meet in Feb. I have met about 4 of the ladies, and they are a funny, intelligent and a little sassy bunch. I hope to come too, so we might get to meet IRL.
FSA, your reasons for staying sound very reasonable. Our personal lives are so hectic (  ), heaven forbid that we go into jobs that have melodrama as well.
And well done to your DD!
She is fortunate to have such a supportive mum.I hope that when my DDs grow older, we will have such a relationship as yours.
I have been feeling outofsorts lately.Nothing seems to make me happy.I hover between anxious, sad, numb-out-of-body and panicky.
I am the type who gets so happy and excited and grateful about alot of things.
Now....
But I am NOT fighting it...or even faking.I just am being.
Have a good week everyone!!!
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053 | | Posted: 7:41 AM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 | |
Good morning all. Haven't been able to post since I spent my weekend babysitting my adorable grandson. He was here for the entire weekend and it was non-stop until my DD and SIL came to pick him up. We had a ball.
I wanted to send belated birthday wishes to Shirley and say how great your dinner sounded. Wow! Your H surely won lots of bonus points on that one.
FSA - I think you're making the right decision. Working in a stressful environment while trying to recover from this LTA mess would really take a toll on you, IMO. It's a shame you couldn't take advantage of the extra time off but I do think in the long run that this is your best choice.
Weepy, I'm glad you decided to check in. So many of our S's object to our time on here and probably some of our C's, including yours. They just don't get that this is the place where other people really, truly understand where we are, what we are going through, what we are feeling, how easy it is to go from high to low and back to high again. Who can understand our recovery process better than those of us going through it ourselves? I hope your IC starts to get this. Maybe she feels that staying on here keeps you locked in the LTA nightmare but IMO, you will know if and when you are ready to leave here. As long as you feel you are getting the support you need and can offer support to others as you often do, then I can't see why she objects. Has she come onto this site? Maybe she thinks we are all here bashing our WS's and doesn't see the kind of support and advice that so many wise people offer.
BT Congrats on your results! None of us are surprised though - we knew you'd do great. 
Snowbaby, I am glad you have found peace. I think that is the toughest part of this recovery process - realizing what it is you need to move on and if D is what you truly believe will bring you peace, then know that we are behind you all the way.
DMS88 - I'm glad my own story has given you some hope. I loved your bonfire description.  And good for you that you stood up to your H when he protested (and good for him that he knew better than to totally object!). Please feel free to PM me anytime during this season if you're feeling down.
LostHeart - sorry you're feeling out of sorts today. I hate those days. They do pass and one thing I have found over these past two years, is that we start to have more good days than bad. There are longer spans of good days and the bad days don't last as long. This does depend on our S's commitment to R of course but if your H is beginning to see the work he needs to do and is doing that work then you should begin to have better days. This is my Christmas wish for you. 
Hugs to all!
D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride
Posts: 1875 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light | Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492 | | Posted: 7:43 AM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 | |
FSA is pissed.
My run of good days has come to a screeching halt due to the fact that I am married to a dipshit dumbass!!!!
Yesterday evening on the way to church to watch the children's Christmas play, I find out that the preachers wife is snaggletooth's cousin. My H knew this all this time and didn't say anything to me. He says now that he thought that I knew. Like I would not have MENTIONED it had I known. So this just shows me that he is never going to tell me anything that I can't find out on my own. SHIT. I was doing so good.
I guess that dipshit is just going to let me keep falling over and over again as I find things out. He just does not have the balls to lay it all out there for me. He doesn't care if I get kicked over and over again, as long as he doesn't have to talk about anything that makes him uncomfortable.
I am sooooooo mad. We both took off today and tomorrow to spend some time together and get some more shopping done. Boy aren't we gonna have a nice jolly time with the frame of mind I am in now. Why TF can't they understand that ANY information is like starting over again unless it comes from them with a heartfelt "you need to know this from me". I don't care that they are cousins it's just the fact that he knew it and didn't tell me. He is such a dumbass.
I better go. I am just too mad.
FSA
Together we're working through an LTA
If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?
Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007 | forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053 | | Posted: 7:51 AM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 | |
(((FSA))) - sorry you've had another set back. They suck!
I think so many of us can relate to what your H did (or failed to do). They think that if they don't say anything then they won't have to deal with the fallout. If they only realized that having it come from them would avoid or at least minimize the fallout we could all do so much better. Remember, most of our spouses are "conflict avoiders" and this is what got us into this nightmare in the first place. They have to re-learn a whole new way of behaving and communicating. For some, the learning comes much too slowly. Hang in there - he will learn eventually - it's just that his head still hasn't come completely out of his arse! (((FSA)))
D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride
Posts: 1875 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 8:01 AM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 | |
Sorry FSA.
Yes, he should have told you.Maybe he was too scared or chicken or didnt want to upset the evening?
Try not to let this ruin the next few days esp since you are going to be shopping.
Hey Fnf!
sorry you're feeling out of sorts today
I wish it was just today.Its been about 2 weeks. IC suggested that I up my dose of AD's, as she thinks that I am going to be feeling like this for quite awhile.
You sound like such a great grandma.One thing I am learning here is that whilst dysfunctional families are pretty common, there are normal good people in the world..and you def sound like one of them!
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053 | | Posted: 8:17 AM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 | |
LH - I know that that first year I couldn't have gotten through it without my AD's. I weaned myself off slowly(according to my dr.'s instructions of course) but was always glad to have had them during the worst of this nightmare. I know some of the others have mentioned being on anxiety meds too. Has your IC suggested these instead of increasing the AD's? Just a question, I have no experience with these at all. Maybe some of the others could offer up ideas on the benefits of them.
BTW, I've set up the scenario for our meeting. I talked to my son over the weekend and told him I thought it would be a good idea if he took his dad out for a few hours so that the girls and I could go shopping. They both liked the idea.
I'll be in touch once I arrive. I'm looking forward to our meeting.
As far as being a great grandma, you just can't imagine how easy it is. He is so adorable. Be prepared, I'm bringing pictures.
D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride
Posts: 1875 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light | OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817 | | Posted: 8:19 AM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 | |
FSA - I'm not trying to defend him, but I'm sure this is a detail that he just couldn't see the point in stirring the pot over. But I get what full disclosure and full transparency means to all of us. Is there any chance you can get him into MC? Our MC sessions are where we hash this kind of thing out. Instead of blowing up I bring it to our MC sessions where it can be mediated with a third party versus us going round and round in circles. They ARE conflict avoiders and that's what got them into the A behavior in the first place. So I completely understand how crazy making it is when they continue to repeat the behavior. It takes away any ground you've gained in the trust and safety area. See if you can't get him to go FSA. I think it would do you guys a world of good. Or get him to go on his own for IC if you can. ((((FSA)))))
Shirley - Well, that dinner sounds like heaven! What a wonderful and thoughtful gift. Sounds like he's getting it! Hope you're still basking in all the love and care from your family.
FNF - Sounds like a GREAT weekend with the grand! What fun - playing all weekend!
Lost - Positive vibes and tribal chants coming your way, across the pond from most of us, on Wed.
((((To all)))))
M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!
Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 8:32 AM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 | |
Thanks OTC.
But I am being a naught girl.Instead of reading up on legislation, I am cruising here! 
Fnf, I'm looking forward to our meeting
Me too!
Hey, if any of the Tribe find themselves down London way, join us.
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | JoePike
♂ Member
Member # 13207 | | Posted: 8:37 AM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 | |
Afternoon all,
Been a long time since I posted in this thread, and I haven't had time to read all the posts, but I just wanted to stick my head in and say hi.
I went to a wedding on Friday, and it set in a sensational setting on a Vineyard, the groom was beaming and the bride was gorgeous, as was my new SO who was with me, yet I could not stop the masses of thoughts coming back to my own wedding 3 1/2 years ago...6 weeks after she went from EA to PA. How did she stand and listen to all the heavy and important words from the minister and still email the OM 5 days later?
So many "whys", without a single answer.
"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.
"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper
Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007 | puddles
♀ Member
Member # 13324 | | Posted: 8:57 AM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 | |
I hardly post on LTA. But today I am thinking about it. Between his LTA and his pot addiction...why am I here? Why do I put up with such abuse?
We are separated. On -day 2 he agreed to give up Ow and the pot. He gave up OW immediately and agreed to give up the pot as part of R. Well, he lied! He lied to me for a year about the pot...I found his stash (way more than what is considered "personal use". If caught WE would lose everything. So I gave him the ultimatium of choosing his family or the pot. He said he doesnt see why he cant both,,,doesnt understand what my problem is. Hmmm...I dont know maybe cause it's illegal and maybe cause your not all her when your high, emotionally or mentally, and maybe its' cause that what you and OW did together all this time (besides fuck). mAybe cause you agreed to give it up and lied to me yet again! Maybe cause ya need to grow up and take responsibility. Anyway, he grabbed the stash, shoved it down his pants and walked out the door. Who does that? Even though we are separted he is acting like nothing is wrong! I am so confused by his behavior...I dont get it.
BS (me) 44
WH 42 (LTA:5 years, OW#1)
Married 18 years, together 23
3 beautiful kids
4 Offical D-days (OW#1 6/2004 & 8/2006, OW#2 3/2008 & 6/2008)
FALSE R: Separated (10/30/07)
Posts: 826 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Eastern PA | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 8:58 AM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 | |
So many "whys", without a single answer
I have received many answers...unfortunately none of them make sense to me.
I remember he was a little put out that his very good friends (OWH and OW)could not make it to the wedding.He told me, after dday, that she was furious that he was actually going to marry me.
Yet there he was on our wedding day,so handsome, so gentlemanly and loving when he kissed my hand...yet so f**king devious!
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752 | | Posted: 8:59 AM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 | |
Lost, we will be thinking of you on Wed., sending all of our most positive thoughts.
FSA--
Damn it! I wish they got this stuff. They just can't be that stupid--can they??? I'm so tired of hearing about conflict avoidance. BALL UP!!! Because you're right: Who CARES?!? Most of the stuff they avoid is useless drivel, but when we find out they haven't told us, it just brings about all the lack of trust and the gut feelings that there's more.
Joe--it's always so good to "see" you. I'm sorry the wedding brought back some memories for you and hurt your heart. They'll probably do that for a while, unfortunately. Good to see you're dating though! I wish you'd stick around and chat more with us.
LTA BS
If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.
The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton
Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006 | runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752 | | Posted: 9:05 AM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 | |
I remember he was a little put out that his very good friends (OWH and OW)could not make it to the wedding.He told me, after dday, that she was furious that he was actually going to marry me.
OMG, Lost. Your H invited these women TO THE WEDDING? Good Lord! What the Hell is wrong with these men? I'm so glad they didn't come to your wedding--whatever their reasons. I would hate if I found out someone had watched my wedding knowing that they were sleeping with my groom.  The rest of the story is bad enough. 
LTA BS
If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.
The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton
Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006 | JoePike
♂ Member
Member # 13207 | | Posted: 9:31 AM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 | |
Thanks run, I'll try to poke my head in here a bit more. I normally go in phases between Gen, Wayward, D/S and NB, depending on which one of my hats I'm wearing on the day.
He told me, after dday, that she was furious that he was actually going to marry me.
Yet there he was on our wedding day,so handsome, so gentlemanly and loving when he kissed my hand...yet so f**king devious!
The OM wasn't furious, more upset, but my xW said she had to marry me "as I deserved it after 9 years together". It is clear we have very different ideas of why people should get married. I am so sorry that happened to you LH.
"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.
"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper
Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007 | BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435 | | Posted: 9:54 AM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 | |
Lost:
I'll start chanting on Tuesday to make sure I don't miss the right time. I know you'll do well.
FSA:
If this is a longtime pastor, could your H have assumed that you knew?
D-day 7/29/04.
Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003 | | Topic Posts: 1000 | |
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