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User
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Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
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Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 |  Posted: 10:27 AM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 |     |
robt, OWH was his very good mate. Guess H invited them in that light. You know what, OW was really one sicko. She used to set H up on dates with other girls (prob trashed them to him afterwards!). She really mindf**ked him. When we started dating, then she went all possessive. And when we got M'ed, that really threw her.She thought she would have him all to herself for the rest of her life.But then they resumed a few months after the wedding, so she got him back again.
You know as much as it shows how sick she was, it also shows even more how weak and pathetic he was. He had me, a girl (I wont even say woman as I was 19 and v naive and inexperienced) who adored him, who loved him with every bone of her body, and he chose to throw that away on a woman who cheated on her H, who didnt even care about her DD as she used her as an excuse to meet H,a woman who clearly wanted him merely as a side attraction to feed her ego. Truely pathetic. 
Any yet ladies and gentlemen, thats part of the man I chose again to spend my life with.
Sheesh.
I am so confused by his behavior...I dont get it .
Puddles, I think you do get it. Like the wise women here have told me, he is showing you who he is.And what your family means to him. Listen to him.
((((Puddles))))
ETA:
I thought I would be more upset thinking of the wedding and them (OW and H), but strangely, I am not.
Either I am still numbish, or it just doesnt bother me as much anymore.Hoping for the latter. Wow. Who knew?
 [This message edited by Lost Heart at 11:37 AM, December 17th (Monday)]
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113 | | Posted: 1:05 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 | |
Happy belated Birthday, Shirley. Your evening sounded heavenly.
Hugs to all. I've been working and lurking lately. I feel like I'm in a pretty good place even though I can't quite get in the spirit of the holidays. I kind of would like just to go to some tropical locale and lay on the beach with a mai tai. [This message edited by Steelergal at 1:06 PM, December 17th (Monday)]
Posts: 699 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal | UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062 | | Posted: 1:28 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 | |
FSA, Oooohh yes. Know that one very well. Big ones, small ones, in-betweeny ones. They are all revelations and it would be nice if those head-in-the-sand dumb-asses would realise that WE NEED TO KNOW. Tut, tut. Stupid man. Still, he’s the one who should be feeling like he’s tripping up, the one falling on his face, not you. So pass the buck right back and tell him so! But, that’s another piece of info out of the way, so one less to find out about.
LostH, Just that Monday feeling. Another bloody Monday and another week to get through. I will tell H about the letter later when #4 son has gone to bed. I’m going to show him the long (unsent) version written back in August when things were really, really bad and I could see no way of staying in my marriage, and then the short, to the point one sent last week. Before I do, I will tell him, he has to tell me immediately if he has any sort of communication from her. No negotiation. Watching for the London meet, I will be there, assuming WS’s are banned! And just where was your H coming from re the wedding? OW and OWH? No, no, no. He cannot consider OWH to be his mate.
Joe, My H was best man at his BF’s wedding in 2004. He referred to our “wonderful” M and said how marrying me was the best decision of his life ….. He was two and a half years into his A at the time. F*cking hypocrite.  Weddings. They’ll never be the same.
(((Puddles))) – sounds like the pot has messed with his head. Poor you. He won’t be much use until he’s kicked it, I’m afraid. Don’t think you had much choice IMO. So sorry.
And I’m working on something that goes roundandaroundandaround. Y’all kwim. One of those. Trouble is, I write it and it makes no sense! But then, my life doesn’t make sense either, so what’s new??
D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 55 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.
Posts: 3172 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK | UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062 | | Posted: 4:38 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 | |
Well, I showed him the two versions of letter to OWH, and he was fine about it. He expressed surprise that I hadn’t done it before. He says she’s not contacted him and that he’s pretty sure she doesn’t open her H’s post. Frankly, I don’t care now!! I was only concerned that he might feel duty bound to tell her if I had said something before now. That “history” thing. A bit of me wants OWH to respond, but I feel relief with every hour that goes by and there’s nothing! Wait and see, I guess.
Night everyone, and a good week in this hectic run up to the season of goodwill …. 'Night. Thanks to you all.
D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 55 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.
Posts: 3172 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK | numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908 | | Posted: 7:20 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 | |
Interesting, and for me...a very hard question right now in General...about whether you think your WS was a good person who made a mistake.. or a bad person you still love.
I did post on it because I believe this is not a question a LTA BS can grapple with. To do so would keep you rooted to the whole specter of the length and scope of the LTA.
Also....both versions bring you right back to the total destruction of trust...no matter how much we would think our LTA WS had simply made a "mistake"....
Joe, so good to see you. Don't be a stranger. We need our few doses of testosterone here.
Stellergal, I'll gladly join you on that tropical isle...and promise to be a quiet companion. It sounds wonderful.
UKgirl, I am not surprised that he is ambivalent about the letters. He is probably relieved. Let us know if you hear anything back.
Hugs to all [This message edited by numb and scared at 7:21 PM, December 17th (Monday)]
BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb
Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: | zanny
♀ Member
Member # 13183 | | Posted: 8:05 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 | |
HI All:
Still here. It's been hectic with the holidays. I always forget every year how it works. It is just "one more thing to do". At first, one more thing to do starts out every day, then it increases to several times a day and now, it's several times an hour!
I also tanked last week, which isn't that unusual, it was just a tough descend into the grips of H*LL. Trying to keep me head above things this week and not to go off the deep end with niggly thoughts. How many times can one rethink this stuff? For me, I never imagined it would be so countless.
Puddles: Your husband has an addiction to pot. It's not something he can just give up without some help. The OW, they describe as an *addiction*, but it's not like alcohol or narcotics. He needs to go to Narcotics Anonymous immediately.
Joe: It was great to see your name flash on the screen. I guess weddings may always be a trigger for you. How's your new significant other? Is she lovely? Do you feel like you are capable of trust?
FSA: I totally understand your setback. That is not a small detail, but the smallest details can literally drive me insane. You recount all of the conversations you had without this information and you feel like your head is screwed on too loose.
Buckets of white light to the rest of you. I am reading your posts and wish you comfort during these difficult emotional upheavals. 
BS-Me
WS-Him
D-day #1 LTA
False Reconciliation then
D-day #2
In reconciliation
"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."
Posts: 573 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: The Middle of Somewhere | forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053 | | Posted: 8:57 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 | |
NAS - I went over and read the posts about whether our WS's are good people who made a mistake or bad people whom we love in spite of who they are. I honestly don't think in the case of the LTA betrayer that you can look at this in terms of good or bad. I think of our LTA S's as very damaged people. People who never really adopted an ethical base. People who suffer from serious disorders, e.g., narcissism, mood disorders, depression, anger management issues, sexual addictions, etc.
Their dysfunctions are so ingrained, that recovery requires years of work on their part and years of patience and commitment to R on ours. They have such a warped view of the world and an appalling lack of empathy and concern for those who will ultimately be devastated by their actions. They are an enigma in the fullest sense of this word.
And those of us struggling through this difficult process of R love these damaged people in spite of their "afflictions." We work so hard for them, for our children and for ourselves hoping that we will somehow be able to change them, to help them acknowledge their flaws and be the better people we want to believe they truly can be.
But I for one, and I'm sure I'm not alone here, can never really be sure that they can or even want to be transformed. And so we wait and we observe and we hope and over time, if we're lucky, our waiting will pay off. And there are success stories, OTC and BT both give us hope. I know there are others but these two stand out for me.
We are dealing with damaged people and since it takes time to see the extent of that damage, and to understand what disabilities/afflictions we are dealing with, we can't honestly label them good or bad. I am in no way making excuses for our S's betrayals. I am only trying to understand what mechanism was in play in my H's warped mind that made it possible for him to do this to me and my children and for so long. I see him working hard in IC'ing, and doing whatever it is I need for my recovery. His commitment to our R is what keeps me moving forward. I honestly don't know if I could have gone through this process with a spouse who wasn't committed to my recovery as well as his own.
Sorry for the long-winded response, but this topic did get me to wondering. Black/white, good/evil, if only things were that simple.
D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride
Posts: 1876 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light | weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790 | | Posted: 9:09 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2007 | |
Folks, I'll catch up tomorrow. H stayed home all day today with me.
Just popping in to say I hate him. That's it. That's all. He rejected me again and I'm done asking. Never again will I touch him or ask him or cooperate when he wants to. I'm done. I hate him, I hate him.
Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA | snowbaby796
♀ Member
Member # 13882 | | Posted: 6:03 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007 | |
weepy I am so so sorry you have been hurt again. to be rejected now, after feeling rejected all those years our WH's chose to have their LTA's devastating.
Did his behavior make up your mind for you? My WH's lack of effort, and not doing things I tell him I need to R, had brought me to the brink of D. Called a lawyer yesterday.
numb: Today I think my WH is a bad person, or a good person with some really deep issues and flaws who needs a lot of therapy before he could ever be a good partner. How does I good person make the decision to continue an LTA so long? Make all those decisions, to call, to meet secretly, to lie to WS daily, for years? How does a "good" person do such bad things for so lon? It is way past the point of mistake for me, to the point of impaired morals and feeling it's okay to do this. I like forgive and forgets ideas, too. But, today since I want to D, I think my WH is bad.
uk girl good deal with the letter to OWH.
puddles, he needs to stop with the pot before you can really begin to R. Why bother to do the excruciatingly painful, hard work to recover from an LTA to live your life with someone addicted to pot? When you envision your marriage perfectly reconciled healed from this, etc, do you accept that he is a pot addict? I wouldn't, couldn't it would just be another brick in the wall.
"Betrayal of yourself is still betrayal nonetheless, it is the highest betrayal" Neale Donald Walsch
"State the obvious I didn't get my perfect fantasy I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me" Taylor Swift
Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2007 | weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790 | | Posted: 6:27 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007 | |
snow, no, it's just resigned me to something I've known ever since we started dating... I'm not IT for him. Oh, I'm a great wife, I'm wonderful, he loves me, but I'm not IT. Fine. He's the idiot.
puddles, my H actually found giving up pot easier than giving up OW. As a matter of fact, he quit doing that... at least around me... right near the beginning of his A. Because it made him horny and he couldn't "afford" to be that way around me. His LTA was a dealer and I have no doubt he indulged with her, he says no, (but we all know what that means). He truly quit around the time the As ended and hasn't in at least 3 years that I know for sure.
I have tried explaing to my H just the way snow has... from my viewpoint we have about 12 bricks standing in the way of true happiness and intimacy. He's chosen not to go there with you and destroy that brick for a reason... I'm sure my H's reason is fear of intimacy. He thinks he can live without it, I know I can't.
I posted on that General question too. No mistake. Believe my H is a messed up person, good or bad doesn't aptly describe the murk and mayhem inside him. Maybe if he gets that sorted out, I'll be better to decide.
Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA | Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492 | | Posted: 6:28 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007 | |
FSA:
If this is a longtime pastor, could your H have assumed that you knew? Not only did he know exactly what he was doing, he also tried to gaslight me and blame shift.
Gaslight-I remember us having this conversation in the past. NOT. You knew. NOT
Blame shift-You'll just never change WTF. B/c I'm mad about your dumbassedness.
He needs to get his head out of his arse so that he can kiss mine.
FSA
Together we're working through an LTA
If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?
Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007 | BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435 | | Posted: 7:23 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007 | |
Butthead.
D-day 7/29/04.
Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003 | Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492 | | Posted: 7:28 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007 | |
Butthead. Well said BT!!!
Now we're off for another fun filled day of shopping. Yesterday was sooooo much fun, I couldn't hardly stand it. He ruined my two days off that was supposed to be for ME.
FSA
Together we're working through an LTA
If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?
Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007 | snowbaby796
♀ Member
Member # 13882 | | Posted: 7:36 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007 | |
FSA, so sorry about your WH buttheadedness. It's like a chronic conditions with LTA WH's isn't it? Like instead of the phrase "open mouth, insert foot" the LTA WS goes by the phrase
"Open ass insert head" 
"Betrayal of yourself is still betrayal nonetheless, it is the highest betrayal" Neale Donald Walsch
"State the obvious I didn't get my perfect fantasy I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me" Taylor Swift
Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2007 | Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492 | | Posted: 8:05 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007 | |
"Open ass insert head" Thanks Snow I needed a laugh.
Together we're working through an LTA
If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?
Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007 | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 8:11 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007 | |
Good morning all.
Weepy, dont know what to say except I'm sorry.IMHO, I dont think anyone would be IT for him, not even the OW. I think you will be the closest he ever gets to feeling that...not because theres something missing in you..but because theres a huge chunk missing in him. 
FSA, dont let Mr Butthead ruin your day off.You work too hard for him to do this. If I were you, I tell him to start doing some serious kissing uppness, or you will spend the day alone with his credit card! Humph!
Nas, usually I would love to dive into this topic, but I just cant right now.For me to get through the holidays, I need to coast through any deep issues. But is it so black and white for the LTA WS? Jeez, I hope not.
Ukgirl, they are no longer friends. OWH ended that last year when H confessed and apologised to him. I think the ability to be this man's friend whilst having an A with the man's W, either shows H's diabolical nature, or his "impressive" ability to compartementalise. 
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 8:21 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007 | |
Tribe, I need your advice.
I have been trying to get hold of a friend I made here on the forum.The last time we had contact was 2 weeks ago. She hasnt returned my sms's and her phone goes to voice mail. She is usually very prompt with her responses.
I considered the possibilities, and its possible that she could have went away on holiday, although I doubt it as school is not out yet.Also she mentioned that they would be spending the holidays at home for a change. She sounded down the last time we had contact.
I could be worrying for nothing.
What do I do? I dont know where she lives or her surname.
Thanks.
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | snowbaby796
♀ Member
Member # 13882 | | Posted: 9:12 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007 | |
Maybe contact the mods and tell them your concerns maybe they can try to email or something.
Have hope maybe she's just taking a break. Maybe her computer crashed. It could be a simple explanation. But, if you are truly concerned, i'd contact a mod and tell them of your concerns and maybe they will help, I don't know.
"Betrayal of yourself is still betrayal nonetheless, it is the highest betrayal" Neale Donald Walsch
"State the obvious I didn't get my perfect fantasy I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me" Taylor Swift
Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2007 | UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062 | | Posted: 9:56 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007 | |
Who is she? Try posting her username on the thread and on any other she’s been on. Maybe some one else on the SI site is in contact and knows of her whereabouts. Or try the mods, like snow said.
H is interviewing today for a job I saw in the Sunday papers. It would mean a move. I only wanted him to apply because it’s a couple of hundred miles away from her and she wouldn’t know our address. Stupid reason really. His mobile number’s staying the same. Looks like they might make him an offer. I don’t think I could cope with a move.
D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 55 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.
Posts: 3172 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 10:14 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007 | |
Uk,
A move could be good for both of you. A fresh start and all that.
BUT if you truely dont want to, then tell him. With your reasons, and hopefully e will take it well, and find ways of reassuring you.
You do know you have options re. his cell. Either he could get a new number, or he could block her number.
Re. my friend. I will give it another week before calling in the swat team.
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | | Topic Posts: 1000 | |
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