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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have her home phone number? If so, Yakoo UK has a reverse lookup. You could get the name of the person who has that number and probably an address as well.

If it's a cell phone, I don't know of a way to get info.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostH. I know, I know. But I like this house, yes it’s big with two big boys now in Australia, but I do love it. And the town’s lovely with a good school where sons 1,2&3 went. #4 son is v happy there too. The place where the job is based is a town near to where we lived in 1990, it’s ok and there are some lovely Cotswolds places we could move to, But I’d much rather OW moved. Into prison, preferably. Or somewhere bleak, like a Scottish island with no ferry and no landing strip or helipad. And no telephone line and no mobile reception. And no electricity or running water and no husband cos he’s left her. This is getting good. I like this picture! Hmm what else? Rabid wild dog population, nothing but continual rain, sheep destroying all her garden, a leaky roof and a smoky chimney!

FWH won’t change his number, he’s had it years and all his networking contacts know it (as well as OW, of course). He can’t block it, but we have done the landlines. Nuisance calls to mobs are a police issue.

BT – how I wish there was a central number for mobile info. I could get a PI to find OWH’s number, but I don’t want it that badly. Just not heard a dickey bird. Nothing. Odd.

Now, I must get some dinner going and get ready for IC.

Lost – good luck tomorrow.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
zanny
♀ Member
Member # 13183
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, I am sorry. I know that hurts. You are doing really well though. I can feel the changes happening within you...really can.

As far as our H's being bad people or good people who made a mistake. I guess it's overly simplistic. To choose, I would say a good person that made a mistake (s). I don't see him as deeply disturbed and pathological. I see the flaws. I see how our relationship exacerbated those flaws. I see how he protected those flaws to protect himself. I also see how I failed and made it easier for him to make a really poor decision. I also think that until there is a d-day, no one knows what this will be like. He couldn't anticipate the devastation and neither could I. I think of the many times during the A that I wondered, but I pushed the thought out of my mind. I couldn't face it. I truly had no idea what it would feel like. When I pushed it away, I didnt' feel devastated at the thought. I just felt nothing <shrug> When reality came to roost that's when I was shattered.

I guess a d-day, when all H*ll breaks loose is the revelation. If a guy goes back and continues his patterns after the life shattering events of a d-day, then I would know that the relationship was doomed. Right now, as painful as it is, I do see it as part of life's learning curve. He never knew what this would do to me or us. Now he does and he's doing what he can to make it right.


BS-Me
WS-Him
D-day #1 LTA
False Reconciliation then
D-day #2
In reconciliation


"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."


Posts: 573 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: The Middle of Somewhere
JoePike
♂ Member
Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Snowbaby wrote:
If a guy goes back and continues his patterns after the life shattering events of a d-day, then I would know that the relationship was doomed.

The D was intiated by me for several reasons; to emphasise to my xW how important it was for her to start trying, and also so we could start fresh if she put the effort in - as she started before we got married I wanted a "fresh start".

Now I found out that she's tried to reconnect with the OM, and finally today I found out that she did that despite knowing he's engaged to be married.

She once wrote in a post here that her behaviour during the A and post d-day showed she was the lowest creature - I think she actually managed to take another step down slope. So I think she might have taken the final step from being a decent person making a bad choice (I refuse to call it a mistake, it was a deliberate choice) to finally show her true self as a bad person. Strangely enough less than a week ago I was feeling very strange as I was missing her and our good times together on our many vacations. Now I'm pretty certain she is somewhere crying crocodile tears about how sorry she is....actions, not words.

Weepy: I am so sorry...

N&S: Thank you, I'll try to pop in more regularly.

Zanny: She's very lovely, and amazingly I trust her very much. I am just battling my own internal ghosts right now...

For all of you, hugs to you all, this is not the easiest of times of the year.


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Joe, thanks, meant to say Hi earlier! Sounds like you're doing great.

I'm trying very hard not to take this personally. But I'm also a realist and I know I'm overweight, tired, old and not very good company a lot of the time.

I'm sure all these vibrant young and not so young women look mighty good to him. A fresh start, no A baggage to contend with. But dammit, I'm not going to "act". I am what I am. I don't feel "grateful" or appreciative. We may laugh together, but we never cry together,that's always a solitary activity.

We argued over the phone with him saying he didn't "reject" me, but telling me that he didn't care if I came up to bed because he was going to SLEEP sent a very strong message. ... "I'm not interested."

I am dead inside.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Weepy)))


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((weepy)), I'm sure he doesn't look the same as he did when you first got together.

For all of you, hugs to you all, this is not the easiest of times of the year.

No, Joe, it isn't. It was tough to pull out the decorations and sift through all those memories.

nas, I think we should book a trip.


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just poking my head in again to say I'm tired of being sick and tired of all this.

(((((hugs))))) to everyone who is struggling like me, and hugs to those who aren't.


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.

My interview didnt go too well. I got off to a bad start when both DDs started acting up when I dropped them off at school. Guess some of my anxiety must have rubbed off, even tho I tried not too act stressed. I almost ran from school to home to pick up car and forgot to put on the right shoes.And then the interview itself...sheesh. I tried, but I think I stumbled through alot of questions.Why oh why didnt they ask me on the stuff I prepped on!
So came home feeling low, and theres a letter..I have been shortlisted for another job with the interview in early Jan. except this one warns that as part of interview, I would be given 15 min to prep for a 10 min presentation on a topic that would be given to me at the interview, which has to be then presented to a panel. I would have use of powerpoint and flip charts etc. What the??
Guess I am going to get DS to give me a crash course on powerpoint presentations!

Re. my friend. I only have her cell number.

Steeler, I'm sorry.

Joe, are you still having A conversations with XW? How do you know all this stuff? Since there are no kids involved, have you considered making a clean break?

Sending tons of white light to all of you who are struggling. How can we help each other?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
JoePike
♂ Member
Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH: I've had very limited contact with xW for the last 6 months, but yesterday I found out by accident that the OM is getting married, and that xW knew this but still contacted him.

Our contact has been mainly limited to admin issues for some remaining financial things and items in storage.

I guess there is still a part of me, and probably will be for a long time, that is hoping that she would progress and show the "real" her, and not the horrible person she's been the last 4 years. Sadly I think she's finally gone from being a good person making bad choices, to actually a bad person.


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess there is still a part of me, and probably will be for a long time, that is hoping that she would progress and show the "real" her,

I know this sounds really harsh, but why? Why do you want this? I know that you cant just stop loving/caring for someone, but dont you feel that you are still holding on in a little way? Maybe I would be the same if I were in your sitch...but it just seems healthier to just let go.KWIM?
You have a wonderful SO, and you are moving on really well. I apologise if this is out of line. I am just curious. So many of us here have said that if we didnt have children, we would run and not look back. Now you got me wondering...


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laughter cant take away our pain but sometimes, it does, even for a millisecond, bring a tiny ray of light in.
Usually FSA is our resident comic/lyricist, but thought I would give a shot.

A little Santa humour.
Little Known Christmas Fact
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.



Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
JoePike
♂ Member
Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this sounds really harsh, but why? Why do you want this?

Honestly, I don't know. I guess a part of me is hoping that I did not throw away 12 years of my life with a horrible person, and I'm hoping, not for the sake of reconciliation, but for the sake of her, that she "wakes up", but it seems more and more like the woman I thought I knew is gone forever.

Yes, we didn't have children, but I spent almost 12 years, and pretty much my entire adult life with my xW - children or not, that will take time to get out of the system.

I recently went to South Africa where I read about the Truth and Reconcilation Commission, where Desmond Tutu said (and I'm probably paraphrasing) - "For the healing to begin, all transgressions and crimes must be taken from the shadows and into the light". This is very close to my own thoughts. I still think it would help me very much if I knew everything, although I realise I probably have to heal without knowing the truth, as she is so, so stuck in her lying patterns (even after a year as a member here...).


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
snowbaby796
♀ Member
Member # 13882
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know joe you didn't waste your life with her, she is wasting her own life though. She, like many LTA WS is very damaged and has some serious psychological issues. Just like if she were an alcoholic, she won't/cant' change until she recognizes she has problems and seeks help. There was/is nothing you can do. It is all up to her. You, and every LTA BS, should be commended on the good character and fortitude it requires to look at someone who so completely betrayed us and say "I will give you another chance. I will fight for you and our marriage, but you must try from this day forward" That is such an incredible gift to give to someone who has made such a monumental mistake and huge mess of their lives. A way out, forgiveness, a chance to start over, a do over. Gosh, how many times in life would you love to have a do over? But, we, big hearted, loving forgiving BS's willingly give this chance to our flawed destructive WS's.

When they throw away that chance, that do over, that life line to come back to a good loving, positive wholesome life we (i really mean I) must cut that life line to save ourselves before they drag us down with them and we all drown.

Joe, and everyone on here, you are a good person. You gave it your all, your WS couldn't see or appreciate what a wonderful gift being forgiven and given a second chance is. The WS who squander that wonderful gift, will have to live with the consequences of their decisions and are now beyond our help.

Know you tried your best, you fought the good fight, she was the one who didn't value what an incredible gift a second chance really is.


"Betrayal of yourself is still betrayal nonetheless, it is the highest betrayal" Neale Donald Walsch
"State the obvious I didn't get my perfect fantasy I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me" Taylor Swift

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2007
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joe, I'm very disappointed to hear that your xW has continued contact--regardless of whether or not he's engaged (although that does make it all the worse). I would have hoped that she would have realized what kind of person HE was, as well as want to be a different person herself. <<<shaking head>>>

Does she still post here?

I can totally understand what you are saying about wishing she would get it for her own sake, as well as for your reassurance that you didn't love a monster. I think that is one thing I struggle so much with...Is this really who he is?

I also saw Desmond Tutu, and his message at my conference was "Just be kind". Such a simple concept, yet so hard for some people to achieve.

Sorry about the interview, Lost.

FWH won’t change his number, he’s had it years and all his networking contacts know it (as well as OW, of course).

See UK, I don't understand this. Yes, it would be a pain in the a**, but people do it ALL the time, and are able to inform their contacts of the change. People are smart enough to know how to change the number in their books/phones. Is this even something you requested? Or do you just know he wouldn't, so you don't ask? I know that if they want to have contact with OW, they will...but I would still want the number changed so she couldn't insert herself in that way into his life again. False security, I know...but I would still feel better.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

... That is such an incredible gift to give to someone who has made such a monumental mistake ...

I totally agree with you, Snowbaby. I just wish I could find a way to express this to my H who again has disappointed me. He's out of town on business and didn't call as he said he would so I spent a restless, nightmare-filled night cuz he was 'too tired' to call.

Unabletocope said it for me "I'm tired of being sick and tired of all this." It echoes my feelings about his LTA and my CFS/FMS health situation as well.

NC has been established for months. I'm pretty sure of that. Still it hasn't been a year since Dday (Feb. 7) and I can't help reliving last Christmas in my head - knowing now why the day sucked. It was our first Dec. 25 day alone since having children (dinner was at s-i-l's). It wasn't the fact that we didn't spend the day with any of our kids but that he couldn't find her online despite many attempts. Or that we spent New Year's Eve apart. (We met on NYE and it's been a special celebration for us). I felt guilty asking him to miss a fishing trip that wkend when I'd been to visit family on the west coast earlier in December. I still don't know if he was actually ice fishing or if he spent the time with OW. He insists he was with the guys but 'deny,deny,deny' is the cheaters' stance from all that I read here and on other support sites.

All I want for Christmas is a time machine....

{{{LTA tribe}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay- how do you handle Christmas "secrets"?

I'm triggering crazily because this morning, WH "hid" what he was doing on his laptop while he was reading work email. Now while I'm 90% sure it was Christmas gift related, it sent me into a bad place. And the little voice in the back of my head is telling me to remember last Christmas.....where I got NOTHING.

LH- I'm sorry about the interview. However, powerpoint is pretty easy to learn so hopefully next week's interview will go better.

Joe- Good to see you around It does make sense that you are still trying to figure out who your xW really was, especially when wading into another relationship. I have to say, you are braver that I. If/when we D, there's no way in hell I'd be ready for another relationship for YEARS.

(((((lostsoul)))))

You are heading into some very triggery times. Is your H good about talking these things through with you? Is he supportive? Remember we are always here for you if you need some extra support. And I'm sorry he didn't call you last night. It leaves a horrible feeling in your stomach, doesn't it.


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((lostS)))

Where would you go..past or future?

Me, I would like Nostradamus to do me a private reading. I am so done with "surprises" and unknowns and maybes.
Oi, is this my controlfreak nature coming out again.

robt,thanks. But I know (fingers crossed)that something better will come around. It just has to darnit!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is your H good about talking these things through with you? Is he supportive?

Well... how do I answer Unable? He doesn't really want to talk about anything A-related. He tries to be supportive but I don't think he gets it yet! Or he would take the few minutes to call me at the end of the day.


Where would you go..past or future?

LostH: I would go back - maybe 10 yrs to our 25th anniversary when all was 'well with the world'. At least, I think so. Can't predict the future but maybe we could avoid events leading to the LTA as well as other losses in our lives. I know this is just wishful thinking but sometimes that's all we have...

LostH, I know we aren't twins separated at birth (I'm the same age as your mother <GriN>) but your thoughts so often mirror my own. I'm sorry to read about yesterday's interview. The effects of stress are so hard to overcome and dealing with children who sense our feelings doesn't help. I often wonder how I got through those first years when I returned to work after 6 yrs at home with my three. {LostH} and good thoughts for the next interview.

Weepy... don't be so hard on yourself. He's nowhere close to perfect himself. Go do something nice for yourself. That's what I plan to do.

I was reading "Rings" in Reconciliation earlier and I'm considering a jewelery purchase for myself. Don't know what yet but I'm window-shopping.

More later... the newlyweds are up and about. Don't need them reading over my shoulder...


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just popping my head in quickly.

Weepy & Zanny, Posted on your thread. But I can’t help thinking our WS’s are plain selfish and living in cloud cuckoo land. For me it always comes down to I wasn’t supposed to know. Which is why watching me fall apart was so hard for him. He has never seen me fall apart before and he just didn’t know what to do. He still watches me like a hawk, waiting for the next sobbing session.

Weepy – Do NOT put yourself down. You are good, decent, honest, self-respecting loving woman and he’s being a prat. Come here and let me give you a hug (((((weepy))))).

Joe, sounds like she chose the wrong side of the sliding doors. Now she can’t get back. Done your best, mate.

LostH – Hey girl, wait and see! T’aint over till that second class letter plops on the mat. And if it’s first class, just grin as you open it! Meanwhile, get ready for the next one. The right match is out there, so don’t you worry. Anyway, practice makes perfect. Try to see interviews as a bit of a hobby! Powerpoint? Piece of cake. Your story? And I know who’s ass I’d stick the tree up, good job I’ve not got one this year!

And lostsuol – knowing my luck I’d end up with The Butterfly Effect!! I think I’d rather have met my man than not. Even with all this sh*t he’s putting me through. And I know now that it was going to happen sometime, just a question of when. And I am going to buy that true to myself ring. I deserve it and it will represent my strength. I will look at it and say “I can do this”. (Even if it means saying “shove off” to him.)


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
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