LostH - That job wasn't for you! The right one is waiting for you. Don't beat yourself up for it. Sometimes I think we have a deeply intuitive part of ourselves that knows to screw things up so we don't wind up there. You'll find the right thing. Keep visualizing the perfect scenario and it will come.
unAble - Hmmmmmm, if you're 90% sure then maybe it's best just to keep eyes and ears open and not start a ruckus. But if it's going to naw at you then perhaps it's a good idea to get it out on the table. These things have a way of festering and let's face it, we've all festered just about enough!!! So don't let it eat at you and if it is, talk to him.
Well... how do I answer Unable? He doesn't really want to talk about anything A-related. He tries to be supportive but I don't think he gets it yet! Or he would take the few minutes to call me at the end of the day.
((((((((To All my LTA tribe)))))))))
And lostsuol – knowing my luck I’d end up with The Butterfly Effect!
LostS, are you telling your H exactly what you need from him? Or are you waiting for him to get it.
I, on the other hand, felt if I had to tell him it didn't count.
Edit: Oops! Beat me to it, I came in after you OTC! Looks like we're in the same vein, though.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:51 PM, December 19th (Wednesday)]
Either he's committed to the M and to you healing in the aftermath of his LTA or he isn't. Lipservice and half way there doesn't cut it.
LostS - newbie jumping in here but I have to agree completely with OTC on this one. A five second call to say I am exhausted but I am thinking of you is not too much to ask. If he is stuck overseas at a dinner a text message or email that I am thinking of you would do wonders. Do you think he would be willing to communicate in TM or email?
There was a quote posted elsewhere on the site that I sent to my H. I am sure I am butchering it here but I will try:
Thoughts become words
Words become actions
Action become character
Character becomes Destiny
When I first read this I thought about my H. Now I think about myself and how my words and actions can determine my character and my fate (except for when "The Fates" might get involved).
My greatest source of strength has been this place where the people who have been down this path have helped me. What have they said? : look out for yourself, look for *real* effort and changes in you WS, be true to yourself, keep your kids/significant people in your life whole and sane, fake it until you make it, cry in the shower, buy some really hot jeans (BTW - Lucky Brand rocks), pamper yourself, dust bunnies are cute if your dog tries to eat them, don't forget to feed the dog occassionally, children above the age of 12 can do their own laundry, etc.
Unable - when you saw him shut down the browser, are you sure he wasn't doing something for you? He might have been trying to order something for Xmas etc. Do you think it makes sense to see if something on that front materializes?
Weepy, I literally cried when I read your post about your H not responding. This is NOT about you. I don't want to hear about age or body shape, as you are such a good person and this is the person he knew. I wish I could do something other than give you hugs.
Joe - hi...again, new here and have never crossed with you. I read with trepidation our trigger at the wedding especially as you were with a wonderful new SO. Then I read your further posts about how hard it was to let it go with you WW. I do believe that you are struggling as it sounds as if you never got the information/truth that you needed to come to terms with what happened. I am still trying to confront my own truth and it is impossilbe to process. I give you credit for moving forward without the truth you needed.
Lost Heart - I agree with OTC. If it didn't go well it would have been the wrong place for you anyway - no point in being in a job you would hate. As far as powerpoint - if you have someone in your house over the age of 12 they, most likely, can give you a complete tutorial in 30 minutes (and program the dvd).
Hugs to all...trying to stay sane, buy and wrap presents, decorate the house, make cookies, get presents for teachers, go to holiday parties, and look *normal* while doing it.
P.S. Think I have recently learned what the "plain of lethal flatness is "
ed: b/c Think is spelled with a "k" have fun w/the rest of the typos
[This message edited by hurtshirley at 7:56 PM, December 19th (Wednesday)]
Why aren't you in MC LostS?
He calls me several times a day when he is in town at his place of business. He called me twice during the day the last 2 days. It's at night when I'm home alone that I need to hear his voice. The result of his not calling is nightmares, not just bad dreams but nightmares where I call out but have no voice, have really strange interaction with people and other disturbing happenings. I wake up and they continue when I fall asleep again.
Passive-Agressive behaviour and conflict avoidance are part of his makeup. I don't know where the not calling fits in. I just know that it affects me profoundly and I'm not healing emotionally as well as exacerbating my physical health problem.
Again... thanks for your support. I may print your reponses and show him as I think he might benefit from your opinions.
I want to speak to each of you. As I read each post, I bob my head up and down. It is so great to see some names from earlier this year...Joe & Unable come to mind.
Joe, it sounds like you want to protect your ex-wife from herself. You have that protective instinct...I think it's time for you to channel that into fatherhood You'll work on that won't you? I would love to hear a Joe Pike fall in love & have little kidlet stories, that would make my day (s)!
Unable..it's been a rough go around for you this year. I can see your trigger with the computer. I have NO advice to offer because I still haven't figured out how to control my triggers. When I do, they just grow larger. I tend to just bleat out and sob. Like UK said, her husband hovers for the next meltdown...that really sounded like us for a long time.
Shirley, you gleaned the best advice...great jeans, showers to cry in, fake it til you make it....all of it, covers the essentials of what got me through.
Lost Suol...everyone said it, I just concur.
Hugs to all of you....I want to say all of your names, but I am afraid I will leave someone out and I wouldn't mean to do that...I just have a very stinky memory for names!!
"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."
Ask around, find the right one. Oddly enough, I knew when I spoke to my MC on the phone that she was the earthy, sympathetic type that I needed. We still go fortnightly, sometimes together, sometimes (rarely) him and sometimes just me.
I can't wait for kids, I love them, and I know I will have them. I think the xW might not - her age and mental state might mean by the time she comes out of it, she'll be too old. I guess the price she had to pay for a few weeks of meaningless sex per year. But you're right. It's a bit like Britney Spears - you're watching a trainwreck, and this by someone I loved very deeply, but I'm powerless to do anything. She hasn't changed more than 16 months post d-day. It's so sad to watch.
I know I will become a father, hopefully sooner rather than later. My new SO is lovely, so that is a very real possibility.
Runoverbytruck: She hasn't posted for quite a while. I guess some people here started to see through her facade and the polished image she had created. Like IRL, on SI she would twist things to make her seem "less bad", and finally the illusion cracked I guess. It's a shame, when she needs the help from SI more than ever, she's running away from everything again.
"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper
Can't take all the negativity any more. He told me he hates Christmas, can't wait for it to be over and I started to cry. I loved this time of year, used to anyway. Now that I know it was shared for so many years, I'm having a tough time getting motivated to do anything, so I'm trying, pushing and failing.
Where would you go..past or future
I'm torn between two events in the past. The first one was where I found the phone bills from Texas, the ones he paid for a "neighbor who was down on her luck." She was his affair while we were engaged. After 5 years together he still hadn't known how to be loyal or faithful. I found them after we were married though and wrote them off as not important because he HAD chosen me after all.
The second was the first Dday, which I didn't even recognize because he gaslighted me so well. My first instinct was to walk and I should have done it. I should have insisted on the MC then -- he actually suggested it that day, but then told me it would be a waste of time since it was only ME that was the problem. I didn't know about IC then. Would have saved me so many years of pain. I could have cut him off at the prostitutes, he hadn't met his LTA yet.
But R requires us to put the past in the past unless those behaviors resurface. Don't know if I can do that since his "attitude" hasn't changed much. He's just more dutiful now.
I bought myself a Christmas present from "santa" yesterday. I secumbed to the mall guys hawking that nail system. Don't care. Know I was ripped off. I just have no defenses....
I wish all of you, a warm and joyful or at least peaceful holiday. I'm sure I'll be back over the weekend, but the next two days are going to be hell. Nice, huh, think of Christmas time as hell... never did before.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
The greatest gift of MC for us was that it gave my husband a voice and taught him the value of using it.
Please, find yourself a good counselor and go. Ours was an Imago counselor. Imago uses a very specfic type of conversation which was good for my husband. It was a fill in the blanks type of scenario in the beginning, which helped him immensely. Most of the words were already there, he just had to fill in some of the crucial ones. Sounds pitiful, I know, but it worked wonders for him.
That interview sounds oppressive, the upcoming one. I agree with the others that it may not be the job for you and the universe is most likely guiding you to a better place than that.
Don't let him ruin Christmas for you. If it's not his thing, that's OK. Let him stay at home for the parties or decide himself how much he wants to participate.
But you do the things that you want to do.
It doesn’t matter whether or not he opens up, he will at least be forced to look at himself and examine what he has done, why, and what it’s done to you, him and your marriage.
I agree that's the idea behind the MC, but if your H is truly conflict avoidant and emotionally void, he'll be able to forget about it as soon as you leave the office. It just doesn't stick alot of the time.
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'"
OK, need some chants from the tribe today. I go at 3 pm Chicago time for my follow up biopsy for the cervical dysplasia. As most of you will remember I had surgery back in May for cervical dysplasia from the HPV virus given to me from the whore-bitch-slut-SOW (aka The Diseased Hole) and my H. In my 3 mo. follow up PAP it came back as abnormal, still showing abnormal cells and the HPV virus still active. So doc wanted to wait a few more mos. to see if it continues to spread before doing a biopsy. Could use some tribal chanting for an outcome that shows there's been no more progression and the virus has gone. Would appreciate it gang! This is the last piece that keeps this whole nightmare alive and well in my head and in my M. I feel like there's a piece of that fucking skank in me and my M still with this. I WANT IT GONE!!!!
Weepy, you know that crap from was blameshifting justification from your H. Why would you want to live your life based on the drivel that he spewed at his stupidest? He had his affair and went with all the pros because he is one messed up guy, not because you enjoyed things that he did not or tried to make up for his flaws.
Have faith in your own values and in your own judgment. Do what you think is right. Note, I am not saying what you feel is right, but what you think is right. Use your head and all that hard-earned knowledge from reading and IC and MC and do what you believe is right.
It doesn’t matter whether or not he opens up, he will at least be forced to look at himself and examine what he has done, why, and what it’s done to you, him and your marriage. You will move forward in a more positive way