Sending wishes of peace and serenity to all of you during this holiday season. May you find times of quiet joy. I will be looking for mine in the eyes of my three wonderful girls.
Wishing everyone here a time of true and prolonged inner peace and happiness.
If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?
To those struggling today, take a step back. Focus on everything good thats in your life now, and things good that are yet to come. Just for today, send all bad thoughts and feelings into exile. YOU CAN DO THIS!
shirley, the firsts are always the worst. I barely remember my 1st Christmas after Dday. Don't even remember what H gave me unless I think really hard. That's not like me.
H did very well by me and the kids this year, although he consulted me 25 times by phone in one day on his purchases. And that doesn't count the number of times he called the kids on my stuff.
I'm glad he didn't listen to our DD who told him to get me a journey necklace. I really was afraid he would, but there's too much of this "journey" I'd like to forget. He got me a single solitaire on a simple chain and I told him we could add to it, to symbolize our own future journey, that this was the start stone. Mr. "sentiment" said "whatever".
The kids are happy, he's happy, I'm trying, so off we go into another year... may it be better for all of us.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
The H did everything he could to make it okay for me. Fires going around the clock, cleaning up the messes, helping in the kitchen, etc. Wish I had traded the old H in for this "new and improved" model years ago. He got me all kinds of wonderful gifts that actually took thought as opposed to just money.
And, I gave him the best gift I could think of....I am allowing him to move back into the room over our garage. So, technically, he is not back in the house but after four months in a executive suite hotel it will be like nirvana for him. The gift has what I believe (and am sincerely hoping) some upside for me. I told him DO NOT move back in if there is anything else you have not told me. I DO NOT want the kids to see you back here only to have you have to move out again. He swears I know everything.
So now we wait and watch and see if he is the "new and improved model" or if the factory just shined up the old asshole and sent it back to me.
[This message edited by hurtshirley at 10:51 AM, December 26th (Wednesday)]
And I have to say that I am really proud of myself because I would be here if he was here or not. I have done my work and have earned this contentment and peace
Yes you have indeed OTC!!!
And you continue to inspire and encourage us. Thank you my friend.
Instead we turn to one another with knowing smiles across the room and go home to our sanctuary we call home and finally, to the sanctuary of our marriage.
Thats what I want, for me, for H, and for the kids. Thats why I am working hard on myself. Thats why I have decided to choose the road less travelled.
Sanctuary.what a beautiful word.
Well said OTC.
Weepy, sounds like Mr Weepy did good by you and the kids.
My wish for you is that next year this time, you can add your name to the happy list as well.
Shirley, you made it too! And you guys have taken another step forward. Yay!!
So have you both set up the groundrules for the new arrangement, or are you going to play it by ear?
I am ok.
In fact, H and I both commented last night how surprising it is that I am ok. I guess we both thought that I would be an utter wreck by now. But I am coasting, not taking anything too seriously, and doing my tapping.Still in the "kinda numb" phase.And not complaining.
I hope everybody else is
doing ok too.
Yes, him coming home is a HUGE step and it scares me to death. I don't know if it the right thing but it "feels" right and that is why I went with it. OTC, technically he is not "in the house" because we have a detached garage and the loft is above that with its own bath. But I know this is just sematics - he is coming closer to our lives again.
Lost - don't have ground rules yet except he is not allowed in the Master area at all without express permission so our study, bedroom and bath is off limits. If anybody has any suggestions on ground rules please let me know.
I am hoping and praying for myself and my wonderful kids that he is not taking this step lightly.
BTW - Our MC rocks! We had a makeup session this morning and she basically told him that he had one of the best situations she has ever seen and he put it all at risk and was he ready to make the changes and do the work so that he could earn it back....I LOVE her!
I hope everyone had a peaceful holiday and gained less weight than me.
Inspiring and beautiful to read.
Woke up kind of sad this morning. H's alarm is waking me, not him, at 5 AM. So I rolled over with the thought of waking him another way and stopped, Just the thought of being with him and having it just be "different" for him, not great, not the best any more, not the bond we had, just made me sad. And I know he said those things during his "stupid" mixed up emotional disintegration, but he's never "taken it back" or made any correction or clarification. So, I don't know that he doesn't really feel that way. I still don't know if I'm a "what I should be doing" or "what I want to do". Hell, I'm not sure if I will ever see him that way again either.
hurt, I guess the groudrules will be how involved you feel you want him in your life. I know if it was me, I'd be moving him right into the family bosom with him that close. I'm kind of a black and white person, either we're together or we're apart. I couldn't do a part time basis like that. But you'll work it out.
As for my Christmas, it was awful this year.
I was fighting back all kinds of triggery thoughts and trying so hard not to let memories of 2 years ago invade my holiday. I was doing great until I realized that my H had absolutely nothing for me on Christmas - not a gift, no flowers, not even a card. It absolutely opened the floodgates for me and I have been crying ever since. Am I being overly sensitive? I just can't imagine him not even going out to find a card to express how happy he is that I have chosen to give us another chance. I feel like he has broken my heart all over again. He told me he never liked sending cards even though he knew I liked them. So there it is - it's still about what he wants, needs, feels. This is such a setback for me. I just can't imagine how he could have come to this day, this time of year and callously "forgotten" to do even just one gesture to let me know that I mean something to him.
We leave for vacation tomorrow and part of me wants so badly for him not to come with us. I just feel like I need to get away from him. I just can't imagine how he could not have known how much I was struggling to suppress any negative thoughts and his answer was, "That was 2 years ago, I thought you were over that by now." I am just so discouraged this morning. He has been going to IC'ing for the past few weeks and working on questions that I wrote down for him (that is a whole other post) and I hoped he was making progress. There was one more question that he was scheduled to work on when we got back from vacation. I told him not to waste his time or money. I seriously haven't been this hurt or angry in months and I just can't seem to stop crying over this. Please tell me if I am overreacting. Why does this hurt so much?
He told me he never liked sending cards even though he knew I liked them. So there it is - it's still about what he wants, needs, feels.
I hear you loud and clear. I've said this to H a hundred times, but because that "just isn't him", I lose, again. I even get hit with the "If you don't ask, I don't know what you want" followed quickly by "If I do it for you because you ask me to, then it doesn't mean anything."
That was 2 years ago, I thought you were over that by now.
Easy for them to say, huh? Does your H still bring up ways you "wronged" him though? Mine does.. how I didn't "appreciate" his flower gesture (18 mo. ago) so I no longer "deserve" those gestures. How I screwed up his checkbook 22 years ago and I'm still not allowed to touch the register. My H even does that with the kids... how our DD ate something I'd bought for him, so now if any food goes "missing" in the household... it's her fault.
Do you have "taking responsibility for his own actions" on that list?
Someday I'll write MY list of MC issues that still haven't been resolved. I'm sure when we get there next Friday my H is also going to be "things were going so great, why do YOU have to mess them up?" See he bought me a wonderful Christmas gift, so that makes everything ok.
[This message edited by weepy at 8:02 AM, December 27th (Thursday)]
. . . it's making us feel safe, loved, honored, respected.
FNF, I was really sad when I read your post. To me, it would just smack of my marriage not changing. That is what triggers me and sends me into a downward spiral is going through all of this and not having it change. Your H not recognizing how important this is and saying he thought you were over it just smacks of "business as usual" "let's move forward" "let's forget it". We do so much of that everyday, in and out, trying not to bring this to the surface except when we need to and when they use that as a "I thought you were over it", it feels like all of the energy you have used to grapple with this is taken for granted. The smallest gestures at the right moments, is what fuels us to keep plugging away and trying to manage this daily for yourself and for them. To me, sentiments at Christmastime is a given. That's the time to step up to the plate and show appreciation.
"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."