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User Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, December 27th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf, lots of hugs--what you've described is just so hurtful to you--does he not get it at all? How does he explain his cold actions? Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is a good description for all of our LTA spouses isn't it?

Christmas is so hard--this is my first without my mom around--she and my dad had spent the holidays with us for the past 30 years--I really miss her.

H is really being fine--does what I ask as far as hugs, affection, etc.--but it still bothers me that I have to ask--he just isn't naturally an affectionate or wordy person--and I hate always initiating the "I love you" or "give me a hug"--partly cuz he once said he never said it to OW unless she said it first--as if that meant he didn't mean it as much or something. Skewed thinking went on there, I know.

But the family is all here and we are enjoying ourselves--it's just the baseline me isn't the same and probably won't ever be the same.

Good for you OTC--so happy for you. And kudos to everyone who just "survived" the holidays--


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, December 27th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((FNF)))) I am so sorry. I remember reading your post before Christmas. You were so strong talking about life going on and the need for all of us to let life move forward. I cannot understand why he would not understand that any kind of gesture no matter how small is necessary to let you know that he is grateful for just being there. I can see how the signals could get crossed about the trip being your gift to each other but any gesture at all (flowers, a note, chocolate, a drawn bath) means so much. Do you think you can talk to him about this before you leave so that you can clear the air and enjoy the trip? I am sending you hugs and thanking you for all the strength you have sent our way.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, December 27th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to thank all of you for your hugs and kindness.
I'm not sure how much time I'll have to check in before I leave but I wanted to let you know before I do how much your words of support meant to me.
I am really looking forward to being with my son and DIL and hopefully meeting up with LostHeart. I'm going to try to follow my own advice and stay focused on the good things in my life.
Many hugs and wishes to you all for lots of positive changes in the New Year.
See you when I get back.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, December 27th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have a great trip FNF!!! And please, pretend like we're all there at the table when you and LostH meet! We will certainly be there in spirit. Hugs to you. Stay strong and dig your heels in with determination to have a GREAT time!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, December 28th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Fnf)))))
I am so sorry I wasnt here for you yesterday.My laryngitis is on its 5th day, my body aches and I spent the whole day sleeping.

You are NOT over reacting!!!
What a butthead your H was!
You know what..he knew.He knew what he was doing, or rather NOT doing. So bloody PA!

Dont let this setback spoil your holiday Fnf.You have been looking forward to this trip so much. I hope DS and DIL and the grandkids spoil you. You so deserve it! And the sales have started...you are going to LOVE London shopping!!

I cant wait to meet up Fnf. If anybody else here wants to join us, please do. And yes OTC, we will have you all there in spirit!

((((25wimsey))))
I'm sure your mum was there with you.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is a good description for all of our LTA spouses isn't it?

YES!
And the scary part is when you dont know which one will come out. Just when you think the baddie has been exorcised, he rears his ugly head.I saw him last nigt when H kept saying to me, "I hate you.I hate you." over and over again, when we were having an argument.Damn.

The good thing about the laryngitis is that since I have been whispering, everybody else has too!

Another day survived.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
wblessed
♀ New Member
Member # 12797
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, December 28th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone, I think I should qualify as a member of this group. I have been married for over 21 years (with my h over 22 years).

According to my h and the surrogate, there never was any relationship between them, she was a ONS and he broke it off, only for her to find out she was pregnant several months later. All she asked was for him to see the child and she would never tell his wife. According to her a second ONS Ďjust happenedí 5 years later when he was only visiting the child. And guess what, she just happened to get pregnant again.

FF to the day after our 19th wedding anniversary and I discover 2 alleged children ages 15 & 9, that I didnít know anything about.

My h confessed to the 1st alleged ONS around the time the first child was 9 months old---but he didnít say anything about any child.

I donít believe it was a constant 15+ year PA, but I do believe it was an emotional affair and that is was more than 2 ONS.

It has been over 2 years since my d-day and I was just wondering when the affair, emotional or physical, has last more than the 2-3 years, what insight can you give me on what you have learned from your experience.

I meet my h when I was 16 and no excuses, just relating info, he lied and said he was divorced ---.one date, no sex and I found out that he was married and told him to stay away from me. Several weeks later when he physically separated from his wife and they were preparing divorce papers, I made the mistake and agreed to help him look for a place to live. I told myself it was differentÖ.h and first w were hs sweethearts and married after their unplanned pregnancy and the child was 3 months old and hadnít been together a year.

I knew adultery was wrong, and honestly looking back, I canít say that I didnít know better. I take full responsibility for my choices. I am not proud of them, they are what they are.

My h and I married approximately one year later and had a daughter five year after we were married. The first alleged ONS occurred after 3 years of marriage.

We are currently working on reconciliation.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Eastern US
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, December 28th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, WB Blessed, you certainly fit in our group that noone ever wanted to belong to.

It has been over 2 years since my d-day and I was just wondering when the affair, emotional or physical, has last more than the 2-3 years, what insight can you give me on what you have learned from your experience.

That is a question that would take pages to answer. But one thing I didn't see in your post was whether you two have been to any IC or MC? And also my little red flags go up when your H says it was only the 2 times for sex and they just happened to get pregnant both times... not impossible, but improbable. One thing that will hinder your progress in R is if you don't feel you have all the nitty gritty details that are important. Has your H been willing to answer your questions when confronted and answer truthfully?

I am still along the R journey myself and I would say that at just about 2 1/2 years out we are better, but still not what I would call "fully reconciled".. and that is with lots of counseling, my H going NC immediately, and being remorseful. Even with all that, the LTA is a huge trauma to move past. But it can be done. There are many on this board who have risen above and also one thng I think we have in common here is that we started to focus on ourselves to help the healing. This is crucial. And you have 2 OC thrown in the mix (by the way there is another board here for people who have to deal with OC)...that I think would also make an R different and more complex.

Welcome here, please stay. You are among friends.

Heartbroken


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, December 28th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wblessed, you know me from the OC board--sorry you too belong on both boards!

It has been over 2 years since my d-day and I was just wondering when the affair, emotional or physical, has last more than the 2-3 years, what insight can you give me on what you have learned from your experience.

My experience and what I'm learning--an ongoing experience. H's infidelity was 5 years, on and off physically though mostly on, but on emotionally all through. Though he claims he never was going to leave our marriage, his feelings about hurting her plus the usual positive stuff about an A, kept him going back and involved--and truly thinking I'd never have to find out--her pregnancy stopped all that cold and he hasn't been alone with her since, doesn't talk on the phone anymore except sporadically re: OC, and has been in both IC and MC with me to try to get our R back into some shape again.

The emotional part is the toughest for me to accept having happened--and the fact that that is something that will always be a part of both him and our history together. I guess since he's so remorseful and trying to do so much of the right thing, I've had to accept that he is the kind of man who could have both a PA and an EA--and move on from there. Not that I'm successful at "moving on" very much yet--

It's forever changed me, and I'm not happy about that change--have to give up the idea of someone loving only me and putting me first above all others til I die, all that. And that's hard. But I've made the decision to stay, for many reasons, and despite my meltdowns about how unfair it all its, how hurtful, etc., I try not to share each and every one I have internally with H--he knows very well how it all has affected me and us, and he has to live with that forever. But it hasn't gone away for me very much--and I do think it's because of OC requiring contact with and reminders of OW--and that's an ongoing thing that wears me down sometimes.

It sounds like it's important for you to get more of the truth about the EA, even if it's hurtful and maybe more details about a more extensive PA than 2 ONS--knowledge is power and all that--and one of the things that I find so difficult is the idea that there were so many secrets between them, I like to know as much as I can so it's out in the open, not a secret memory or private experience for just them--even though with a LTA, there are thousands of events, memories, etc. that I could demand to know.

I'm hoping the time will come when I don't worry so much about all that--and that depends on how much H can convince me through time and consistent effort on his part that he truly wants our R to work--that he loves and cares about me first--that he figures out why he could do this in the first place.

Long answer, but everyone's answer is different, and changes with time and events--but anyway, welcome to this board. Lots of good folks here.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, December 28th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all! I hope your holiday was merry--whatever you celebrate. For me...the in-laws were here. <<sigh>> Sometimes the visits go smoothly, and othertimes, they are very hard to navigate. But they're gone.

And also my little red flags go up when your H says it was only the 2 times for sex and they just happened to get pregnant both times... not impossible, but improbable.

wblessed, I agree with hearbroken. This really isn't likely. What evidence do they give you for this other than there were only two pregnancies? It just smacks of the "this is all you can actually prove" attitude. Although I realize you must want this to be the truth, but I wouldn't count on it--which would leave me feeling like I couldn't fully R without having the "rest of the story". This must really suck for you, and I'm so sorry.

FNF, I was really sad when I read your post. To me, it would just smack of my marriage not changing. That is what triggers me and sends me into a downward spiral is going through all of this and not having it change. Your H not recognizing how important this is and saying he thought you were over it just smacks of "business as usual" "let's move forward" "let's forget it". We do so much of that everyday, in and out, trying not to bring this to the surface except when we need to and when they use that as a "I thought you were over it", it feels like all of the energy you have used to grapple with this is taken for granted.

YES! This is so true, zanny. I often feel like a hamster on a wheel--working, working, working at making things different--to stop for a second and see that he seems the same. Everything seems as it used to--but yet nothing is really the same. It's heartbreaking. FNF, I'm really sorry your H didn't step up. Showing gratitude for your presence should be a given...everyday. But most especially on holidays when we typically express that sort of stuff.

I saw him last nigt when H kept saying to me, "I hate you.I hate you." over and over again, when we were having an argument.Damn.

I may be overstepping here, but WHY again do you allow ANYONE to speak to you this way, Lost? Is this all you believe you are worth? He cheats on you more than once for long periods of time. You stay and try to work things out--to give him another chance to prove himself, and he abuses you with "I hate you" why? He hates YOU?

Lost, he's showing you who he is. Please, honey...LISTEN TO HIM.

(((((((((((((Lost))))))))))))))

[This message edited by runoverbytruck at 5:50 PM, December 28th (Friday)]


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, December 28th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((25))))) It must have been really hard missing your mom this Christmas. That alone is a heartbreaker, but then to add it to everything elseÖÖ. well, just hugs friend.

WBlessed Ė Welcome to our little tribe here. Sorry youíre here for the reason you are, but glad you found us. Iím with the rest of the tribe here on the ONSís and two OC as a result pretty hard to believe. From what youíve described your H sounds like heís had pretty extensive experience in infidelity. Going back to your experience with him in the beginning and now the rest of it. My guess, and this is only a guess, is that it may be so extensive he canít bring it into the light of day yet. HurtShirley will be along here soon and she can tell you of her recent experience in finding out about her Hís extensive infidelities over the years. Hereís one thing Iíve learned with my H and from others here. Most Hís withhold whatever they can and even those that are forthright in answering any of your questions will try to hold back the details and timelines as much as possible. My H and I are two years from Dday and in a successful R now and he still squirms when I want to ďtalk about itĒ. He has told me only recently that the reason he held back so many of the details in the first year was because he was afraid Iíd leave him and freak out if I knew all the gory details. He answered everything I asked, very honestly, from day one with as little detail as possible, but itís only been in the past year that heís begun to elaborate in his answers and fill in the holes. Him answering with so little in the beginning made me feel like he wanted to preserve that secret world they had and that I was not part of. Your H may well feel if he revealed the length and extent of his infidelity(s) that you would throw in the towel. But like everyone else who has commented, I feel you need to get the truth. Itís only fair for you to have all the facts so you can make an informed decision. If youíre not in MC and/or IC you may want to seriously consider it. Any of us who have had successful Rís have had extensive MC and IC. Other things Iíve learned (from my own unique sitch and M) I needed to give my H space and be patient for him to feel safe in order to get him to reveal all. Also, you, as the BS need to concentrate on YOU big time! Get yourself to a place where youíre strong and informed enough to be OK with or without him. Youíll never know if you stayed in the M because you believed you couldnít live without him or because you truly love him and want to hold the M together. Working on you gets to the bottom of this. And lots and lots of self care is in order. Nurture yourself and take very good care of yourself. Have also learned that WSís freak out as much as we as BSís do when the two worlds they have so successfully compartmentalized as being totally separate come crashing together. It leaves them speechless and disoriented for quite some time. I think itís what still freaks my H out when I want to talk about it. And many of us BSís feel for certain we experienced post traumatic stress (PTSD) in the discovery and initial reveal of the A. Thatís my brain dump for now, but hang around and youíll hear a lot more from some very wise people. SoVerySad (aka SVS) will be popping in soon and she has two OC too she deals with in her sitch. Iím sure sheíll have plenty to share with you as well. Welcome WBlessed.

LostH Ė Sorry to hear youíre under the weather. Even sorrier to hear your H is still being an asshole! What the hell is with that man talking to you like that! Argh! Hold your head up honey! And have a GREAT time with FNF!!!! Will there be H voodoo dolls involved in this meeting between the two of you? I'd say between both yours and FNF's H at Christmas you two should have a couple of martini's and a few hat pins and voodoo dolls. Just to inflicy a little pain. Nothing serious. Will Mum be joining you too? If so, tell her to pop in and say hi. We havenít heard from her in quite some time.

HB and Run Ė Hi gals! Hope you had joyful, peaceful and quiet days.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:49 AM, December 29th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi WBlessed
It has been over 2 years since my d-day and I was just wondering when the affair, emotional or physical, has last more than the 2-3 years, what insight can you give me on what you have learned from your experience
.

1. It wasnt my fault.
He was broken from the onset.It wasnt because I was too fat or too thin, or too whatever. Every issue that I thought he had with me (real or imagined), I addressed over the years.I tried so bloody hard to be the perfect W for him, that I got lost in the process (not that I was all there to begin with ..lol).And he threw me away for 2 POS. No really, both OW are NOTHING on me! However,I do have to accept responsibility for enabling him to do whatever he did. I was the perfect LTA BS.

Looking back, I can see now the signs were ALL OVER the place. I chose not to see them for what they were.I can blame that on naivete, inexperience , whatever.But I still did it.
Thats another thing I am learning to accept responsibility for.

2. I should have listened to my instincts. I should have trusted myself, and not listened to my family/friends etc.
Thats what comes out of not being whole going into the M. Thats an issue I am addressing now in IC. I want to be whole, for myself, but also for my kids. I dont want my DS or DDs making the same mistakes I did.

Well thats about as far as I have got, WBlessed, after 1.6years, 2 DDays, 1 serious S attempt, and many many low days.

One more thing...if it wasnt for this site, esp the people I "met" here, I would def have the "I dont trust anybody.I hate humans. All men are dangerous, women even more" mentality. The wonderful people here have held my hand, pulled my up,flicked the back of my head (haha)many many times. My children truely wouldnt have their mum around if it werent for my LTA Tribe.

So I look forward to getting to know you Wblessed, as you continue on your journey of healing. I hope that I can help.

Hey ROBT!
You know what, if he had said that a few months ago, you know I would have been all over the floor bawling my eyes out. He said that, it stung, but I am ok. IMO, he was projecting BIG TIME. But I dont care. I


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:54 AM, December 29th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi WBlessed
It has been over 2 years since my d-day and I was just wondering when the affair, emotional or physical, has last more than the 2-3 years, what insight can you give me on what you have learned from your experience
.

1. It wasnt my fault.
He was broken from the onset.It wasnt because I was too fat or too thin, or too whatever. Every issue that I thought he had with me (real or imagined), I addressed over the years.I tried so bloody hard to be the perfect W for him, that I got lost in the process (not that I was all there to begin with ..lol).And he threw me away for 2 POS. No really, both OW are NOTHING on me! However,I do have to accept responsibility for enabling him to do whatever he did. I was the perfect LTA BS.

Looking back, I can see now the signs were ALL OVER the place. I chose not to see them for what they were.I can blame that on naivete, inexperience , whatever.But I still did it.
Thats another thing I am learning to accept responsibility for.

2. I should have listened to my instincts. I should have trusted myself, and not listened to my family/friends etc.
Thats what comes out of not being whole going into the M. Thats an issue I am addressing now in IC. I want to be whole, for myself, but also for my kids. I dont want my DS or DDs making the same mistakes I did.

Well thats about as far as I have got, WBlessed, after 1.6years, 2 DDays, 1 serious S attempt, and many many low days.

One more thing...if it wasnt for this site, esp the people I "met" here, I would def have the "I dont trust anybody.I hate humans. All men are dangerous, women even more" mentality. The wonderful people here have held my hand, pulled my up,flicked the back of my head (haha)many many times. My children truely wouldnt have their mum around if it werent for my LTA Tribe.

So I look forward to getting to know you Wblessed, as you continue on your journey of healing. I hope that I can help.

Hey ROBT!
You know what, if he had said that a few months ago, you know I would have been all over the floor bawling my eyes out. He said that, it stung, but I am ok. IMO, he was projecting BIG TIME. But I dont care. I DONT CARE.
I just want to get through the holidays. I want to start my new life. He can say he hates me over and over, and maybe he does (afterall I am the one who held up the mirror for him). I just dont care.

But thank you for caring. You are like the big sister I always wanted.

OTC, voodoo dolls!
I hope mum joins us. Come on mum!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, December 29th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has told me only recently that the reason he held back so many of the details in the first year was because he was afraid Iíd leave him and freak out if I knew all the gory details.

OTC Ė that is what my H said at the beginning but the truth of this is that they donít want to admit to *themselves* what they have done. When they speak it to us, when they put their actions into words and share it with the one who has loved them, the reality of their actions comes into their being (gets uncompartmentalized if that is a word ) and it literally kicks them in the gut. They hate the person that they were and they will fight themselves to not confront it.

Lost Ė the Jeckyll and Hyde analogy is perfect. My Hís nickname was ďHydeĒ because he would be this nice, calm, mild-mannered guy until he would have a few drinks and then ďHydeĒ would emerge. What we have learned from his IC is that we all have different facets to our personalities and what makes one psychologically healthy is when these facets are well integrated. In our Hs case they may not be integrated at all. They have taken their own personality and compartmentalized it. My H has recognized this and is working with his IC to integrate these personalities and the purge the characteristics which he does not accept of *himself*. One of the outcomes I am waiting for is to ascertain whether or not my H can achieve this goal. I am waiting to decide what to do until we know whether or not I will only be married to Dr. Jeckyll with a little of the fun side of Hyde thrown in. Sorry, a little long winded but what I am trying to get at is that your H sounds like he is still Jeckyll and Hyde and you *do not* want to be dealing with that. He needs to be in serious IC to confront this if not for you then for himself.

And also my little red flags go up when your H says it was only the 2 times for sex and they just happened to get pregnant both times... not impossible, but improbable.

Wbblesssed Ė I hate to keep adding to the quorum on this one but there is no way this is the truth. On the factual side it is nearly statistically impossible. On the emotional side, your gut has got to be screaming at you that this cannot be the truth. I know I am a newbie but My H has been in IC 2X per week and us in MC 1x per week since Dday #2 so I feel as if I am going through this process in warp speed. My H confessed to 2 LTAs in August. The last A ended 6 years ago (am still pushing to make sure this is the truth). After 16 weeks of MC, IC, etc., I asked him what I believed to be a rather innocent question about one of them. That brought out another fact (not a major one) but enough of an omission to have me lose it on him and explain in no uncertain terms that all lies and omissions are deal breakers. If he isnít willing to tell me the whole truth, we are done. After an emergency IC session with his shrink, he confessed ďthe restĒ to me which essentially was that he had been f*cking other women our entire relationship. There were ONS, pros, LTAs etc. I think this confession in some ways was harder on him that it was on me as he had to confront what he really was. To me, it sucked, but it put our whole relationship into a context where a lot of his behavior now made sense. Again, sorry about being long-winded, but from what you have posted so far, I am willing to guarantee you that you do not have the whole story. You need to push for it or walk away. Those really are your only choices if you want to live in a healthy environment for you.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, December 29th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Tribe:

I've been reading along this last week or so, but I couldn't quite make myself post.

I'm glad for all who had a good Christmas, and sorry for those of you like Lost and fNF whose H's still don't seem to get it. Here's hoping the new year brings new wisdom and new insight for them and new happiness for all of us.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, December 29th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTC Ė that is what my H said at the beginning but the truth of this is that they donít want to admit to *themselves* what they have done. When they speak it to us, when they put their actions into words and share it with the one who has loved them, the reality of their actions comes into their being (gets uncompartmentalized if that is a word ) and it literally kicks them in the gut. They hate the person that they were and they will fight themselves to not confront it.
Absolutely Shirley! This is a good elaboration on what I meant by the two compartmentalized worlds colliding. There is no hiding from the truth then and they are forced to see themselves and their despicable behavior and choices in technicolor. For many of them they also see the OW and who she was and the role she played in technicolor too. I do have a sense from my H as to the mind games they play with themselves to rationalize their behavior and choices. It's all a mindgame until Dday when it becomes "game over".

Hi BT! Glad to see you. Hope all is well in your world.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, December 29th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading along this last week or so, but I couldn't quite make myself post.

BT...hoping you're ok, sweets.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, December 29th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To illustrate my H's J and H personality, how about this. He always shown a liking for Meg Ryan.He liked her quirky everyday girl looks. Even the similar looking woman from Stargate. Anyway, we were just chatting a few months ago, and I brought this up, in the vein of "What else dont I know about you?", and he told me that he preferred Angelina Jolie. The total opp of Meg Ryan.
To the best of my knowledge, he hasnt even seen any of her movies, and I remember how we used to comment on how weird she was.Pre Brad days.

You know it bothers me sometimes what I dont know, or what he is pretending to be, whether any of him is real.

BT, you know we are here for you. Hope you are ok.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, December 29th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost, I know just what you mean. I trigger when something like that comes up with my H--when he says something about his tastes, or himself that I don't know. It reminds me that there is a side to him that can remain TOTALLY secret to me and it puts me in a really funky place. Usually it happens in conversation with other people though--so I'm standing there in front of everyone looking at him with total confusion going, "I didn't know that."


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, December 29th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So ROBT, do you think we will ever know them? Will they let us know them?

Another story: H loved pastas and prawn dishes, and I tried many recipes over the years looking for the best one for him.Sometimes he would eat it, sometimes not. Guess what I learnt after dday? Right. He app hates pastas and prawns. Doesnt remember when he started hating them,and also doesnt know why he didnt bother telling me. When I think of all the time I wasted...jeez.

Good news: my voice is coming back, but I now sound like a crabby duck.
The fever and chills have settled down a bit, and I am so hoping that I am 100% for Fnf.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, December 29th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT,

Good to "see" you. Everything OK?

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
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