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User Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, December 31st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now, I hold more back, it's easier than being a mess, but when I do come apart, he seems surprised that it is happening. A little bit like, "I thought you were better by now Zanny. Where's this coming from?" Or, "Oh no, here we go again, we were okay for some time." I don't mind stuffing it, but only when it works for me!! I am happy to give him the benefit of my ability to stuff it, but I don't want it to be the expectation!

And you know what it feels like to me??? like when he was in his affairs and I would "see" something and not address it. Just stuff it away to see if it happened again. But I was so successful at burying the red flags that when they appeared again, I was caught off guard. Never was aware enough to see the pattern. That scares the shit out of me that I might do that again.

An the same old post-Dday pattern emerges. I get scared, worried about something he's done or said and I turn to him for reassurance. After his remark yesterday, all I wanted was to crawl into his arms and have him tell me he loves me, like that would fix everything. Head in sand again Weepy.

2 years, robt is very wise and very right-on in her description above. My H would say "I didn't have anywhere else to go". Now I sure didn't understand that because I was here, keeping his home, loving him in spite of his awful behavior at the time. He said coming home, seeing me after being with one of them was he worst part. He had to bury the shame with anger and lashing out, justifications and lies to himself. He said when he found it difficult to do that, he wanted to die.

Yeah, OW accepted him, took whatever he felt like giving and relished it. The pros are terribly used to that kind of feeling of shame in their johns and exploit it for their own gain. Telling them there' no harm done, its not love, just that they understand they aren't getting what they need at home. Helping the WS believe they aren't doing anything wrong and of course, there's no incentive for the pro to tell, like there was no incentive for his OW to tell either. The pros would lose their money, the OW would lose him. I'm sure she was made aware of that by H.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, December 31st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Humpff.
Fnf and I wont be meeting up. She is only free today (due to last minute travel plans), and I am still sick. Just got back from the GP, and he suspects food poisoning.

She sounded great on the phone though, and I hope we get to meet up the next time she is in town.I am holding you to it Fnf!!

Weepy, I felt sad for you when I read what your H said. The upside is that whilst he may still think that way, at least your DS doesnt. Look at your DS, and see what a good job you have done with him. Tomorrow he will be someone's H, and she and their kids will be grateful that you helped break the family pattern by bringing up your DS the way you did.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, December 31st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is so difficult at this point, for me, is that I am not a blathering mess. I don't sob and heave, so the pain isn't as apparent. In some ways, it was easier to heal through the messiness because we constantly addressed it. Now, I hold more back, it's easier than being a mess, but when I do come apart, he seems surprised that it is happening. A little bit like, "I thought you were better by now Zanny. Where's this coming from?" Or, "Oh no, here we go again, we were okay for some time." I don't mind stuffing it, but only when it works for me!! I am happy to give him the benefit of my ability to stuff it, but I don't want it to be the expectation!

I totally relate to this. In fact, just this weekend, I had a bit of a meltdown. I don't even know what started it, but I know that it had NOTHING to do with the LTA. But everything in our relationship seems to boomerang back to that in some shape or form--at least in MY mind. <<sigh>> "You didn't take out the trash. You like holding onto trash?" (You get the idea.)

Well, he gets all put out when I've "brought this up again". Gee...I'm sorry. The contents of my "little box" seem to be overflowing and I can't stuff everything in right now just because you don't want to hear it. What does he say? Get ready for this...

"You just take me back to a place."

I take YOU back to a place??? Hey buddy...nice that you were able to leave that place in order to be taken BACK!

Needless to say...I was rubbed a wee bit WRONG by that comment.

Ass.

But more and more I do feel like I'm getting the attitude of I don't want to hear about this anymore. What am I supposed to do with that?

I've told him time and time again that as long as I'm talking, he should feel lucky. It's when I stop talking about it that I'm already gone.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
zanny
♀ Member
Member # 13183
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, December 31st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, OW
accepted him, took whatever he felt like giving and relished it. The pros are terribly used to that kind of feeling of shame in their johns and exploit it for their own gain. Telling them there' no harm done, its not love, just that they understand they aren't getting what they need at home. Helping the WS believe they aren't doing anything wrong and of course, there's no incentive for the pro to tell, like there was no incentive for his OW to tell either. The pros would lose their money, the OW would lose him. I'm sure she was made aware of that by H.

That is it Weepy, there just isn't any incentive for the OW or the pros. Your description really highlights that. There is no difference btw the ow and the pro, they want a piece of this man and it is to their benefit to ignore the BS. BTW, Weepy, sorry about your H's comment to your son. It's painful to hear.

Lost, sorry you are still sick and unable to meet fnf, what a disappointment!


BS-Me
WS-Him
D-day #1 LTA
False Reconciliation then
D-day #2
In reconciliation


"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."


Posts: 573 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: The Middle of Somewhere
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, December 31st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Robt))))
I take YOU back to a place??? Hey buddy...nice that you were able to leave that place in order to be taken BACK!

Now why cant I think of comebacks like that??
Good for you for telling him!

Anyone of you having nightmares again? Since last week I have been having these weird dreams about H that are making me a bit .

Eg. I dreamt that I discovered he had 2 other wives and a child each with them,and after I ask him what does he plan to do, he says he is done, he doesnt want any W or kids anymore, and he walks out. Or the one I had last night about OW2 where she comes to me for advice about her M, and all I think about is how pathetic she is, then how pathetic H is for risking us for her, then that leads to how pathetic I am for taking a pathetic man back.
And these are the mild ones.

Why now after all this time?

Anyhow,

HAPPY NEW YEAR MY TRIBE!!!
Thank you each and everyone of you...for everything!

((((((((Tribe))))))))

Goodnight.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, December 31st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But more and more I do feel like I'm getting the attitude of I don't want to hear about this anymore. What am I supposed to do with that?

I got that attitude right from the start. Ass is right!

H gets that "harump, now look what you've done" look on his face and I just want to smash it with the new iron skillet I got for Christmas. Or the eye roll and head shake. I never get an answer either. Maybe I'll text him later today and ask if he would tell me if an old GF contacted him, or would he hide it to "keep me from going into meltdown".

Happy New Year everyone.

My resolution is to learn to cook something new every week. More than once if I can. Today I'm making my first stromboli from scratch with his aunt's recipe. I just checked it and it's oozing cheese all over my oven. Great but it smells fabulous. Now I have to make two more. One he promised his IC for the next appt. I'm videotaping the preparations so he can see how it's done. Cause HE's making the one for IC, no way in hell I am.

Hope you're feeling better soon LH. And thanks for the comment about my son. Yeah, I'm raising a real gentleman. Too bad the girl has gone over to the dark side with her father.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, December 31st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not had time to read the posts today. Just want to pop my head round the corner and say a Happy New Year to all and hope that 2007 can be parcelled up and thrown out. We donít need any more crap! However, I have decided that forgiveness is not an option right now. I cannot forgive him for doing something so emotionally devastating and extraordinarily selfish. That I will treat myself to a ďtrue to myselfĒ ring which I would like to wear on my right hand as a symbol that I will learn to love, trust, honour, respect and be true to myself. I donít need a ring from him.

Love and hugs to all the (((((LTA tribe )))))
See yaíll next year!!!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, December 31st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy New Year to all--here's to a good 2008 for everyone.

Things are going okay--I'm still the one to bring up issues about the LTA and OC, but H does cooperate about the discussions/arguments, whatever they escalate to. He's working hard in IC, have to give him that--I had mentioned that with all the shit about dealing with OW over OC, dealing with the decision to cheat and continue cheating for so long got a little lost--but he is working on that himself in his IC, he says, so maybe we'll get some resolution or a tad bit of satisfaction in understanding all that for me someday!

Christmas was great, all kids home, sorry they're gone already. Just taking down the tree today as we travel soon for a few days--

UKgirl, don't worry about forgiveness--you have plenty of time for that, if ever--maybe partial forgiveness someday is about all I can imagine for myself. Treat yourself to a ring--or is it out of the question to involve H is choosing something new to stand for you being true to yourself and him being true to you?

In any case, you get a new ring!!

Hugs to everyone else, new and old--and again Happy New Year.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, December 31st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy New Year, LTA Tribe!!!!!!!!!

Here's my cyber toast to ya'll *clink*

The thread on our spouses wanting us to "get over it" already rings true here, also. Now at about 2 1/2 years out, sometimes when my H and I argue and then I bring up the A (i.e. selfish behaviors, etc.) he gets this "it's always about the A" attitude. Duh, nimwhit. Just because I hold it together most of the time now compared to the visible physical reactions I had the first year does *not* mean I am totally "over" it. Yeah, guess this is another common ground for us LTA survivors. I can't blame the FWS for wanting to "move on"... they don't want to stay in their shame. And I realize it's not healthy to do so. BUT damn it, I want our FWSs to recognize that while we are solidly independent and vibrant women that the scars from the LTA wound run deep are are still very sensitive when touched or rubbed the wrong way.

Uk Girl,

That I will treat myself to a ďtrue to myselfĒ ring which I would like to wear on my right hand as a symbol that I will learn to love, trust, honour, respect and be true to myself. I donít need a ring from him.

I *did* this, friend, and I LOVED it. About a year after dday and not wearing my wedding ring (which I will never wear again), my H had not done anything to replace it so I went out and used *his* credit card to buy a beautiful "right hand" ring... which I proudly display and refer to as my "all about me" ring!
I got the ring to remind myself of my own worth- just like you are talking about. I don't "need" a man and I still wear my ring proudly as a reminder that I have and will survive. I think sometimes visible symbols can be very inspiring, at least I found that in my case. When my H ever gets around to asking to renew our vows (like I've wanted for awhile now) I will just move my ring over to my right hand and wear them both.

Hugs to all,
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***HAPPY NEW YEAR TRIBE***


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy New Year everyone!!! I hope you all had a very nice New Years Eve and I'm wishing that 2008 brings peace to us all.

Wow!!! Take 24 hours off and there's half a novel on here! LostH - sorry to hear you and FNF aren't going to be able to connect. I hope you're feeling better.

Re H's not wanting to talk about the A and thinking we're over it. I know my H is always amazed at how deep and how hard pain can run through me. Not just with the A stuff, but with other things in life i.e. deaths, loss, etc. This has always been a source of confusion for both of us as he can't believe I'm still holding things and I can't believe he isn't. I think this is one of the things that allows compartmentalizers to do what they do so well. They actually have the ability to shut off their emotions (funny, I just mistyped shut as shit three times in a row. Hmmmmm, perhaps that was the right spelling. ) and they just can't understand when someone else can't do that. It has always confounded me and when I look back over the years I see that he consistently showed me he had this ability. So why the surprise when I found out about the A? And why was the biggest question I had about how he could do that and not feel the guilt, shame, wrongness of it all? He had shown me for years he could do this. I believe this is such an ingrained survival/coping mechanism for them that they can't see it. And they think the whole world operates in this way too and are surprised each time it doesn't work that way. My H has worked really hard to open up to the fact that this is something negatively unique about HIM, not me - as he always used to say. But I know he still struggles with understanding why someone would feel something for so long. I used to question why he chose me in the beginning as I have always been a person who wears her heart, well, really anger, on her sleeve. Then I remembered a friend I had many years ago who would never get angry about anything at all and I would always get angry for her. I realized she would actually bait me with telling me about situations or conversations she knew damn well I'd go off about. Then she would calm me down about her own situation she should have been getting angry about, not me! It would leave me confused and feeling stupid. Finally a good friend pointed out that she was using me as her proxy to feel the feelings she wouldn't risk feeling - namely anger - and get her release for it that way. When I heard it that way I got it right away and was able to change the dynamics in our friendship. So, I'm wondering how many of our H's use us as proxies to feel the feelings they aren't capable of or won't risk feeling and then rein us in or make us wrong when they begin to feel themselves pulled into the emotion or held accountable for emotional reactions. In other words, it's OK for us to be emotive and they get a payoff from that, just not OK to pull them into those emotions. Just a thought. Even though my H has bashed me throughout our M for "feeling things too much" or "carrying bad energy around" I do believe he chose me, and all my over emotional reactions (in his opinion) for a reason. Anyhow, just throwing this out there and continuing to ramble my thoughts out here.

Happy New Year to all my dear friends here. I hope the fresh start in the New Year allows all of us to leave some of this behind and looking forward to new things that fulfill us and bring us joy.

ETA: Cleaning it up to make sense.

[This message edited by OneToughCowgirl at 8:57 AM, January 1st (Tuesday)]


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I canít believe I knew so little this time last year. All those lies and lying by omission and sheer crap that came out of his mouth. I tell ya, if I had known within a month all that I know now, I would hope I would have kicked that sh*t-head out of the f*cking door. But, one of the things that made me put this veneer on things in front of the boys was that I was more concerned about them than me or that stupid b*stard who, having dealt me this body blow, declared he loved me and wanted to stay married to me. I was worrying about wrecking #2 sonís uni degree, #3 sonís college qualification and #4son starting his senior school and I really didnít want to land them with their mum and dad getting divorced.

Robt, I had it exactly the same. It was easier to keep seeing her (oh, and shagging her) because ďthe irony is that seeing her was the lesser of two evils (purely selfishly on my part), as it led to a lessening of the verbal pressure, albeit putting off the day of reckoning.Ē Of course he hadnít told me at that point that he had asked her to marry him, or mentioned that altho he didnít wear a wedding ring, he would for her Ö. I found that one out months later.

OTC. If my H gave me that crap about being overly emotional, Iíd tell him where to get off. HE threw me into this pit of despair with his stupid life style decisions, and if the only hand he offers is one shoving me back down, Iíd tell him where he and his hand could shove off to. Iím one angry bitch today!!

And I still have questions for him that he has never answered. Maybe I should write them down and ask him next week at MCíing session. Ha, no room for evasion there!

I think I am now seeing things with a clarity that was not there before. There were all those revelations felling me on a regular basis. I really do not like what I see. And I donít believe I did anything to drive him into his A, it was an A waiting to happen. He just didnít have the decency to leave me before trying to reignite the flame with her. Today, Iím wondering what he thinks he can offer me or us. And then why I allow him to stay. The f*uckwit.

Sorry, am I allowed this much venting?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I'm wondering how many of our H's use us as proxies to feel the feelings they aren't capable of or won't risk feeling and then rein us in or make us wrong when they begin to feel themselves pulled into the emotion or held accountable for emotional reactions. In other words, it's OK for us to be emotive and they get a payoff from that, just not OK to pull them into those emotions.

There is a golden nugget of truth to this insight.

My H is, and always has been, distanced from his own emotions. Yet, he knows he reacts to things inappropriately at times. (and during his A years, it was most times, obviously)

So...using me as his surrogate "react-er" allowed him to get rid of his emotions without having to actually feel them...or...pay dues on them, let alone actually fix the process.
And it assured him that there was a perpetrator to resent and then justify finding an alternate reality for himself.

It was a no-win situation for him and surely for me.

I think this is the one ingredient of the LTA that separates it from other types of affairs. The cheater is addicted to not engaging with their inner selves. They are habituated to hiding out, and by default, assigning all THEIR faults and inadequacies onto their spouses.

That keeps their BS duped quite effectively...because we are locked into taking on their moods of compartmentalizing.

Looking back, I realize how insidiously this dynamic began and how ingrained it became. He avoided..and I reacted. What a sick dance..!!!

Our holidays were reasonably good. Relatives who suffered tragic losses this fall stayed with us but we made the best of it and made being a "family" the gift of the season.

Warm hugs and best wishes for a new NEW YEAR to you all, my LTA tribe.

I, for one. am very glad to see 2007 fall into the past.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I'm wondering how many of our H's use us as proxies to feel the feelings they aren't capable of or won't risk feeling and then rein us in or make us wrong when they begin to feel themselves pulled into the emotion or held accountable for emotional reactions. In other words, it's OK for us to be emotive and they get a payoff from that, just not OK to pull them into those emotions.
There is a golden nugget of truth to this insight.

My H is, and always has been, distanced from his own emotions. Yet, he knows he reacts to things inappropriately at times. (and during his A years, it was most times, obviously)

So...using me as his surrogate "react-er" allowed him to get rid of his emotions without having to actually feel them...or...pay dues on them, let alone actually fix the process.
And it assured him that there was a perpetrator to resent and then justify finding an alternate reality for himself.

It was a no-win situation for him and surely for me.

I think this is the one ingredient of the LTA that separates it from other types of affairs. The cheater is addicted to not engaging with their inner selves. They are habituated to hiding out, and by default, assigning all THEIR faults and inadequacies onto their spouses.

Ditto - can't say it any better than this. Just read this all to my H and he agrees. He used to needle me about little stuff until I would lose it and then he would be "satisfied". It always drove me nuts and I wondered why he would do that to me? It was almost like he was getting enjoyment from torturing me. Now I find out that was exactly he was doing, torturing me to get me to react so that I would "feel" for him. Told the H to take this to the doc on Friday to discuss.

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 7:58 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
up2me
♀ Member
Member # 10681
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think the WS needles the BS so we get frustrated then the WS feels justified contacting the superficial, sweet talking and always understanding OW.

Posts: 690 | Registered: May 2006 | From: ny
Maia
♀ Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

they can't feel.

when I came back to life, it was amazing. I could feel again.

you guys, you have it exactly right.

they're numb, they can't feel.

H used to ask me how i felt about something and I honestly had NO IDEA. I didn't know what I wanted, how I felt or what my reactions were. If hurt I reacted sometimes a week later, because I did not feel it until then. And anything that aroused any kind of emotional response in me? I was either terrified of or I had to have it. One or the other.

honestly, looking at it now, I think I stirred up drama just so I could feel something. Not just with the A, but in all of my life.

it wasn't until I healed that I fully understood the depth of the numbness I'd had. And I'm still uncovering layers of it. Healing.

it's cool.

but it was like there was a wall of glass there. I used to drink so I could talk. I'd drink because it was the only way I could even begin to touch what was going on in my heart ...and get to it. Drinking brought down the walls.

don't know if this will help you guys, but wanted to throw that out there for you. my experience.

good discussion.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTC,

Much of what you said followed by NAS's wise words I do think fit the LTA scenario. I fit into the "wearing my heart on my sleeve" category and FWH is very emotionally distant. My parents always used to say how hard to read he was.

Also, OTC, your *theory* was validated by my IC. Even after dday for quite a long time (and now if I don't stop myself) my FWH "baits" me... I think this is also typical P-A behavior on the part of our FWS. And then our MC also explained that the dynamic in our particular relationship was the more I react the more he does NOT react, thereby causing my to react even further. Our dynamic was way out of balance. But this behavior is so deeply engrained in our spouses, IMHO, that it is very difficult to change. And difficult to change our reactions. That is why I also think R after a LTA is a life-long process. Just recently my H got snippy and told me he was a "better person" than me during an argument and I unleashed rage on him. Looking back I see he does this, even on an unconcious level, to get a rise out of me, and I fell for it.

Well, got shopping and cleaning to do today and wrangling my children--- a full day no doubt.

Hugs to all
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think the WS needles the BS so we get frustrated then the WS feels justified contacting the superficial, sweet talking and always understanding OW.

Absolutely true.....It does require sabotaging your spouse.

It's kind of hard to justify cheating on your spouse if she/he is giving you all the verbal candy/cake that your ego wants.
Because then the WS would have to own being just a horny slut or whore-monger.
They do have to paint a world where they are deprived to justify it all.

But I think it goes even deeper than needling and setting up scenarios to create and justify the double life.

This behavior robs everyone of legitimate living. If the WS is incapable of true connection with "self"...
That's like living with just an illusion..with just a piece of realness..for themselves and for their spouse and children.
It really has no substance. Each part of their life is just "half"...it's all chronically, emotionally anemic.

No one is really "feeling" true anything....
Talk about the cup being terminally "half-empty"....

Our R is hinged on my H changing these long-standing behaviors. It has to be so much more than just the LTA being regretted and now forever over.

He needed to face and change this behavior..and become vested in himself and us....honestly and consistently.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Maia)))

Thanks for checking in....


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
up2me
♀ Member
Member # 10681
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

exactly the WS lacks integrity.

Posts: 690 | Registered: May 2006 | From: ny
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