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User Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! Go off to enjoy the New Year and have so much reading to catch up on. And a visit from Maia??? I miss all the good stuff.

H used to ask me how i felt about something and I honestly had NO IDEA.

This is really so scary, Maia. My H used to tell me the same thing. I could never understand it. How do you NOT know how you feel about something? It's interesting and so sad to have it explained. I think he has spent so much of his life numb like this--I'm scared he doesn't have what he needs to "come around". He really needs to get back into IC I guess--but shouldn't that be something HE decides? Me telling him is just more of the same dynamic and he learns and changes nothing.

And then our MC also explained that the dynamic in our particular relationship was the more I react the more he does NOT react, thereby causing my to react even further.

Oh my gosh...this is so true in my relationship as well. Truly scary the similarities we all have.

soggy, I absolutely agree with Lost Heart:

IMHO, I dont think any amount of MC would have made a difference, because as long as he had OW as an option, he wasnt trying to mend the M....his foot was always out the door.

If he was going back to his marriage to give it his "best shot", he was trying to ease his own conscience of his shame. He never left the A, and you never stood a chance. And in my opinion, it's totally unfair to have put you through that. (Of course, the whole thing is totally unfair.)

I also would be double-checking the NC, although you may never find a breach. Even still, as above, he never purposely severed the emotional ties. He carried a torch while he "did what he had to do".

My advice...start working on you. Start taking care of yourself and building your emotional strength. If he goes...let him go. You are the only one you can truly count on in this life. You need to nurture your soul and get yourself to a place where you are OK--whatever life brings. We all need to do this. We all need to learn to love and respect ourselves, create and declare our boundaries--what we will and will not allow to have happen to us (or continue to happen to us)--and mean it. AND MEAN IT. Boundaries mean absolutely nothing when not enforced. OBVIOUSLY, or we all wouldn't be here.

I hope the New Year brings peace to you all.

FSA, sending tight hugs to you girl.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maia,

Could I ask a question?

I think I can speak for all of us here who relate to the "shut-down" WS....the hardest part in accepting that disorder/problem is the reality that for the OW/OM, the WS was "feeling" emotion, something was going on for it to have gone on that long and to have risked exposure for that long.

How did your WS handle the fact that even though you were emotionally shut down to real life and to him...you were able to feel something for someone else in the LTA??

Did he ever bring this up to you after D-day?

Thanks...


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great question, numb.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA, hon,
I know you probably already went to bed. But I had to chime in in the hopes of helping you feel just a smidge better. We've already said that our Hs were master compartmentalizers. Maybe your H couldn't come up with anything nice he said about you to OW because he kept the worlds so totally separate. My FWH told me he never thought about the OW's BH. And just think about this... if our spouses were saying all these wonderful things about US to the OW, that would get real uncomfortable. To bring in US as a real being would just cast light on how wrong the A is. They'd rather just live in the A world separately, I think. I know my H said some nice things about me to the OW and some not so nice ones, but in general I just wasn't a topic to them, just like her BH was not. We were periphereal... just part of their everyday chit chat but not the focus. The APs spend much of their time feeding one another egos.

Hang in there, friend. I know it sucks. It sucks really bad getting through this crap. But I'm glad you are sharing with us... it's important not to stuff this.

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
Maia
♀ Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dunno if I can describe it run.... any better than I have....

there was a muffler over my emotions. But when I was at rock bottom? I was a zombie, nearly undead. I pretended all the time and watched other people to see how they acted/reacted ...mimicked them because I was unable to be genuine. I didn't know how I felt. A lot of times there was no connected thought in my mind. You know how you say things in your mind while you're talking? or before you talk?

I didn't. there was nothing there most of the time. If I spoke, I had no idea sometimes what I'd say.

the only way I could be me, connect with myself at all... was by writing. And in music. In art.

you see, what I'm describing? it's brokenness. mine was pretty darned deep.


People become broken in different ways. It doesn't have to be through abuse. Abandonment, emotional rejection, and then moral failure... the deadly sins? those things break you. That's why they are deadly. They kill your soul, separate you from your own heart. They make you disconnect. Like Lord Voldemort breaking his heart into seven pieces. He became a twisted thing. Thats what happens. The sick thing about an LTA is that the WS uses it to cope, but it poisons them and actually makes them more broken, it's a vicious tyrannical cycle.

hurtshirley - what your husband is describing is very real and yes it makes total sense. I lived it. YES.

becoming your authentic self and facing immense moral failure is a crucible. There is no other description.

When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd will help your H... and probably help you.

Movies that have a similar theme to your husband's story. Those will reach him. You might find him interested in certain themes in what he watches or reads, that will help to break through to the heart and what is going on in it. You can discuss how the story hit them, see how they relate to it.

encourage journaling.

what the WS wants is hope.

they are looking for hope.

it isn't you they really run from. it is despair. They want desperately to believe things can be better, they can be better... and grasping at the other life is the way to make that happen ...without doing the work. it is cowardice. But if you can help them see they really want hope, it will help.

write their story, the story of their life. then look for movies that are close. it will help them to connect. have them write the story of their life if they will do it. do it together.

Movies to see if they react to, will clue you in:
Falling Down
City Slickers (the first one)
Radio Flyer (story of abuse of a boy)
Black Snake Moan (very hard to watch ...make sure no kids are close by)


the trick is to identify lies they are believing. and replace them with truth.
the lies are not verbalized things. They may have no idea they believe them. Will probably deny it if confronted. but they are believing something and acting on it ... that is destroying them. A lie. Usually it is that they are bad. Unable to be good. And that they do not have what it takes to .....succeed, make you happy, be faithful, be a good dad, be a good son, recover, heal, really change...whatever. Fill in the blank.

Grace and Addiction - Gerald May
good book

soggy... NC has to be in the mind. An A is much like an addiction and the junkie only has to replay a memory to get a hit. So changing the thought life is PARAMOUNT. if he is keeping memories as pets and cherishing them, he isn't NC. He has to let go. totally. So yeah, I'm with BT on that... even if he hasn't communicated with her, he can still be harboring stuff and it keeps a wall between you two.

he has to choose. And he isn't.

How did your BS handle the fact that even though you were emotionally shut down to real life and to him...you were able to feel something for someone else in the LTA??

Did he ever bring this up to you after D-day?

my story is a bit different. I met my AP before I met my H. And was his real life girlfriend. we were both single at the time. My feelings for the AP developed then and I never let them go. My H was Transition Boy. I literally saw xAP one day and we ended it and had my first date with H the next.

I had no business getting involved with H. Really. Or with anyone, I was broken, but the timing was ridiculous.

anyhow H knew about it and kind of accepted that I wasnt over xAP... and then when we were "friends" ...he was very tolerant. So much so I used to think h was giving me permission (that is how I justified it)

H trusted me.

anyhow, I acted. I deserved many Oscars.

and H never knew me without xAP in my life. Does that make sense? he had nothing to compare me to without him.

but he knew, he did know I had issues with connecting with my feelings. the whole time. I'd get drunk and just pour out the most scary stories. and I'd tell him, I can't talk unless I'm hammered.

When the fit all hit the shan...H questioned whether I ever had anything real for him. Ever.

and so did I.

but the thing was.. I ended it. I confessed. And I didn't end it saying... "oh H I love you." I ended it saying... "I don't know how I feel. I need to be alone." I was pretty brutal in my honesty because I had to be in order to change, I was determined to be real. For once, no matter the cost, I was going to be real. And so I said .. I don't know if I loved you. I don't know if I can love you.

H saw through a lot of lies I believed and a lot of the fantasy... saw it as coping methods, pretty quick and so he was able to help me to see it.

my feelings for the AP were totally irrational but very very very deep from the get-go. I still have no idea why he affected me so profoundly, no one else ever has, not like that. I was like an imprinted duck. The only answer to it I have is that God allowed it in order to keep me from having a zillion sex partners (I was a sex addict) and to break me in grief so I could get healing. I've tied it to some old rejections in college... old wounds.. but other than that, I'm clueless. But the fantasy was safe. An unavailable unattainable person could give me hope and not get close enough to hurt me. it was all in my head....and I wanted it on some level to stay that way. I was hooked on feeling (I felt something...yeah!!) and somehow thought if it got real then it would turn into what I already had...deadness.

these things are messy. complicated.

trying to understand it is trying to enter the mind of a psychopath.

I can tell you what it feels like and what I thought, but it still will not make sense.

Yes, I did love my husband. Very much. But broken people only have so much they are capable of.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
soggycornflakes
♀ Member
Member # 17198
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. He has been no contact with her. But the A was so long I think there are a million triggers. He doesn't want to let her go. He truly believes he loves her. I don't understand how he could trade a 14+ year marriage and our family together for another woman. To me it seems like trading a four course dinner for the uncetainty of a seven year old trying to make mac and cheese for dinner. He says he still cares for me. He still finds me attractive. He still thinks I'm fun to be around. Heck..we love the same movies and have so many interests we've developed over the years... got to go. more later.


Life is a blessing... an adventure... many days very hard... always worth the walk.

Posts: 376 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Ohio
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does he want to leave with her or is he just being honest and telling you how he's feeling?

It sounds like maybe he is not seeing all the great stuff you are. As much as it sucks, and as much as it seems like we (bs) always have to be the better person and do the right thing-i think you shoudl be patien and let him vent his feelings but keep living life together. I think he wil realize how great it is and eventually realize she is an unobtainable fantasy.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Maia
♀ Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there are a million triggers.

to stay connected you build up a lot of associations, they keep you going. and breaking that ...dismantling it, is a process.

one thing. H decided from the beginning that I took a lot of good that HE was and projected it onto xOM, and he was right, I did. I sort of blended them into one person.

so what I really loved wasn't real and a lot of it was really my H.

numb, not sure I answered you well.

H and I always approached R from the standpoint that we were just starting over. Period. I don't think anything else would have worked.

so we went through a period of just being friends and then sorta dating, a courtship. We started over. I had to. I think we both did.

H did struggle with .... was he second choice... that was the biggest hurdle for him. And for me honestly. I had to search my soul for the answer. And we kinda had to answer that together... but the answer was an emphatic no.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maia- Thank you so much for your insights. Just wanted to let you know your posts fostered a GREAT conversation between H and I tonight. I read him this entire thread starting with mine and he really resonated with your posts and insights. You verbalized what he isn't able to yet. It helped him to understand himself much more and allowed us to have a very productive conversation that gave me even more insight into his thought process and world during the A. Thank you so much Maia and please don't be a stranger. You're an incredibly wise woman who has been through the trenches and come through the worst of it. I hope the others don't mind me speaking for them, but I think you've helped all of us today!
Happy New Year!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

numb, not sure I answered you well.

H and I always approached R from the standpoint that we were just starting over. Period. I don't think anything else would have worked.

Maia, I was fine with your answer but I really appreciate your expanded explanation.

I realize it is very difficult for you to "detail" your process. First of all, as similar as our experiences are (being either the BS or WS) in relation to the specifics of LTA....every couple has unique pieces that are impossible to generalize.

What I have always gleaned from your insights is that for anyone to engage in a LTA....there are serious dark corners to the psyche. Problems that have to be long-standing to allow a long-standing break from reality and honor.

The road back requires equally lengthy self-work and introspection.

The "starting over" rings true for the WS....but for the BS, it can sometimes feel more like a process of renovating....

Thanks, as always, for offering your insights. They matter.....


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 5:05 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning Tribe.
Have the second interview today.My voice is almost all back. Please if you can spare, remember me. I need this job so badly. Thank you.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, gone 24 hours and there's so much to think and talk about. I'll have to get back to all this when I have time.

For myself, I'd like to find a hole and crawl in for a while. But life calls....


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost,

Crossing all available body parts and sending prayers out for you.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Lost))))


Seeing you getting the job..


*** Hugs ***


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They may have no idea they believe them

They may have no idea they are lies and yet DO believe them. And they lie for reaction and they lie to promote themselves, they lie. Until total honesty is the goal, nothing is going to be accomplished.

I sit countless times shaking my head at things my H "remembers" about that time and others in our M.

Robt, hit it right on the nose. How many times our C has ask H how he feels about something I've said or what he was feeling at the time of the A and nothing comes out of his mouth. If pushed, he says "angry". And yet he says he never had that spill over onto his A. he "never" told OW anything negative about me, I wasn't discussed, the kids weren't discussed, anytime something personal came up, he says he changed the subject.

The sad part is that I talked to OW's mother under a pretense I won't go into and she said OW told her about her "married man", no name, but she told her D that after a couple years if he hadn't left me, he wasn't going to. She said the breakup broke her heart. Now, what was she in "love" with?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Maia
♀ Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"The road back requires equally lengthy self-work and introspection."

the road back requires first of all a commitment to honesty. Within and without. that is the first step. Nothing goes anywhere without it. And what feels true for a WS is not always true, so it's really important that they check in with others for feedback. That is why counseling and forums like this one are wonderful.

I believe with all of my heart in prayer as a key too. I do not think I would have turned at all without God.

yes, it's true in many ways while I had to regard R as starting over ...and my H tried to do that, I think he has struggled with it. Even now he says things like "I was in this from the beginning (and you were not...that goes unsaid and is implied)" and other comments like that...

and you know, I can't change that. I wish I could.

I think love heals. And so I'm trying to learn to love more and more. And praying a lot for the Father to come into his wounds that I inflicted and heal them utterly. But the best way for that to happen is to keep growing myself, and keep to the path before me. There is a dailiness to it.

We had a fight about a month ago and H just unleashed on me, pouring out some venom that nearly had me on my knees. It hurt so bad. But in it, I just felt... he is trusting me. He can finally pour this out because he is not afraid I will leave. And I took it. And when it was over, I just told him, "I love you." And that I was going to pretend it did not happen. Let it go. The outburst wasn't warranted. He was venting because he needed it. And to hold it against him or to hang onto his evil words would be cruel. He needed to give a voice to them. I told him, I thought he was pouring out a lot of things he's held in for a long time.

it was good.

I gave him the grace he has given me.

And he has been better since.

I think healing comes in layers for all of us. H really needs to know that I understand the depth of the pain I caused him and to know that it was important, he mattered. It wasn't okay.

oh, thought of another movie... Diary of a Mad Black Woman. That one was really hard to watch... I saw myself in the WS and just wept over it.

but H needed it, to see me do that.

grieving your mistakes is not a bad thing. it heals. it's important. it's a good thing. it's funny how paradoxical life is. Grief heals. you think it will kill you but it heals.

cowgirl... so good to know it helped. The WS forum will help your H if he can bring himself to post. it's full of people with stories that can help him discover his own story and recover his heart.

anyhow, I'm outta here ...gotta go back to the grind but you all will be in my prayers.

and weepy, I'm praying you get your necklace, but most of all I'm praying that your journey turns to diamonds.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy new Year everyone. Haven't been around much with family all home for the holidays. Way too much to catch up on here.

Tried to skim posts and seems like alot of newbies. Sorry you are here, but thank God for the love and support you will find here.

Maia, I don't think I have been around when you have and I have to thank you for your insight. I need to reread some of your posts.

Very hard to understand how my WH could have been this person I didn't know or understand. I didn't even realize he wasn't who I thought he was. Another one of the eye openers on DDay.

DDay - coming up on 1 yr. soon and scared how I will react. Good holidays except for one weekend when we talked about it being almost a year and I got upset.

Part of the problem is we don't talk about it. If I bring up anything A related H gets very quiet and I get the "what do you want to know now" response. (I think this was discussed recently by someone else.) I wish we could talk about the past as easily as some of you do. I feel like we have moved forward, but swept the past under the rug.

I told H I think I am handling the past better than he is. I do believe he is holding onto the past also. May not have contact with OW, but she is still in his heart. I have posted about this before and am learning to live with it. He has to let go and I can't force him to do it. I do think he wants too and is trying to. But he has not done it completely yet.

Soggy - I understand where you are with your H. Mine is going through some of the same stuff. My Dday was Jan. 07 and he is just coming out of the fog. He loved/loves her and has just in the last few months admitted she was not who he thought she was. He told me there are many different types of love and he needed her at the time. I THINK (don't know) that he realizes what he thought was love, was not. Love is reality and the A was fantasy.

Only advice I can give is to give it time. I HATE the phrase "one day at a time", but it has to be how BS of LTA's must live.


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
Maia
♀ Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

okay... one more thing and I'm only saying this because it is so important.

it's about being second choice.

I've answered that question before and my answer is worth repeating.

so this is a repost, but it's what I came to.

______

My question-If you stayed with BH, was he your second choice?
yes. he was.

and that was because I was flawed. Not that he was. I was so broken and distorted...good became evil and evil became good. So I wanted what was wrong and bad and unhealthy and painful...and despised what was good and loving and true. So as I healed that changed and he became my first choice. But my choice being other than H was always because of my inner crapola. It wasn't him. Ever.


Did you settle?

HELL no.

and that is said with a southern drawl. AND a twang. so if you did not hear said drawl or twang in your mind? go reread.

HELL NO.

See... I saw a guy that made six figures and said a lot of things I wanted to hear... that's OM. and he was really not loving or giving or kind or caring. But I filled in the blanks. He had no soul...well .... a little but not a lot., he was a tin man in most respects to me. But I valued him for reasons that related to my lack of depth and silliness and frankly, my stupidity and anger and unhealed old wounds. ...and this is important... projected ideals.

but hallelujah, some part of me saw my H, his heart. And valued it.

I loved Saul and married David and God rescued me. I didn't settle. I never saw my H like that. But I value him as he deserves now. Now I'm able to see. Because I've healed... I can.

and he changed too. The raw materials were always there, they got refined through this.

Are you lonely/sorry about the choice you made to stick with BH?

um...no. LOL.

we're kind of sickening really. We're really happy.

I praise my God and thank Him daily. I was too stupid to stick, but He did it in me. And I am so thankful. and I love my husband. Deeply.

but the point here is....when you're broken, you want bad things. It doesn't make the BS flawed. Or worthless. It means the WS is flawed and can't receive good.

okay... NOW I'm going away!!!!!

you can find other posts of mine with Google advanced search if you need to...and I bumped a few of them for you. hugs to all.

(wavies)

[This message edited by Maia at 11:37 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday)]


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crap Crap Crap.

I got offered that job I interviewed for. Salary much better than I thought, benefits great. I would be working very little with the nervous guy who rubbed me the wrong way at the interviews and would not report to him. But it would require me working both days of the weekend.

I would never see my H or boys during the day. Damn.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
JoePike
♂ Member
Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

for a WS in a LTA, I don't think the fog lifts so quickly. the issues there are usually really deep wounds and if those are not addressed, the WS will keep using the AP as a drug or crutch in their mind to keep from having to face the real underlying problems.

so it isn't true love.

it's true cowardice.

Good to have you back Maia. As always, very insightful posts. The part I copied is indeed very true. Sadly my xW was unable to get out of the fog. 15 months post d-day, and 3 months post our D being final, she broke NC again, for me showing that she really hasn't learned anything in all the time since d-day.

Even though we are divorced, it is difficult to watch someone I spent 12 years with turn out to be someone I have no idea who they are anymore.

On a better note, Happy New Year to all of you, and may 2008 be your best year yet!


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


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