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User Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT: Hard to believe a great job offer is 'crap, crap, crap' but I understand. My personal time with my family is first and foremost. I wouldn't put a job ahead of them either.

Crap. It sounded like so 'down your alley'.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a sec here.

Maia thanks.

Light bulb moment for me.

I have read over and over again. Make this about you. Do what you need to heal. You have to make you come first.

I have taken that as one sided only. And that is a two fold solution. I have made this about me. But only as what I need and want to be happy.

There is another side of making this healing about me. And that is my part in the breakdown of the M. I did absoltely nothing to deserve what I got (LTA). But I was by no means anywhere near perfect. I played a part in driving him into her arms (the bitch). I DO need to make this about me. And that includes where I was at fault and work on correcting that. I am still stuck in the same resentment toward H that I have been in for years. I've got to work on me letting that go. Or just go. B/c I'm sure not getting very far holding onto the resentment.

OH well, just a light bulb moment for me that I wanted to share.

I'm definately not taking on the responsibility of his actions. But I have continued to fight my responsiblity in this whole mess.

Gotta go

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT - Is there anything you can negotiate around their offer? Sounds like they really want you. Could you negotiate different hours or build something into it that allows family time? This isn't unusual now. Perhaps it's worth a try.

LostH - Even my eyes are crossed for you!! Hoping it comes through for you.

Maia - Again thanks for your insights. I talked to H about posting in Wayward a long time ago but he wasn't too interested. After hearing all your wisdom and offering so much he could relate to last night I think he may be rethinking his prior decision not to post in Wayward. So again - thanks!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maia - thank you again for you insight. It has helped both me and my H immensely as you put words to what he could not explain. And, as I said before, hearing something so similar come from another person makes me realize that he is not just making this up and made him feel "less crazy" (his words).

Please come by again when you can.

FSA - You okay? Sorry I missed you last night. Anything we can do?

Lost Heart - wishing you the best of luck, let us know how it went.

BT - that's great I think? It sounded like a position you very much wanted when you were interviewing. Did you know about having to work both days on the weekend? Any way to make this work or is it too much of a sacrifice? Do you think this is a position where you could work those days for a while and once they see how amazing you are you may be able to move to other days? Finally, given what an awesome person you are, you do know that you will always be able to find something right? Hmmm, does that set the record for the most questions in a reponse to a post?

ETA: FSA - we crossed but glad to see you seem to be feeling better.

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 12:21 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B-I-N-G-O FSA!!!! I think you've had a breakthrough realization!!! This is the part that we carry if they are with us or not. It is the part that also allows for healing and openess in the R in order for it to move forward.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Soggy. It may be that OW was a meaningful part of his life and the longer the A went on, the less he wanted to break up. The fact she lives so far away made it easier in some respects. She was an addiction. You have compared a four course dinner with mac & cheese. Sometimes the four course dinner is too much, so you want the easy junk instead. It’s so hard for you, but he HAS chosen to stay with you, not her. What do you know about the A? When did it start and why? How did he meet her? What was going on in your M at the time? These all relevant questions. If you are not in MC or IC, it is something that you should consider. A lot of questions and answers come out of them. One answer for you might be to call it a day. I’m so sorry, I just don’t know what to say.

So Lost. Photos. I took down all those in the “rogues gallery” when I had the hallways decorated. I had planned to get them reframed and put them back up along with new ones. They go right back to when #1 son was born – 1984. Can’t bring myself to do it. The other thing re photos? There were two good pics from our summer holiday 2001 (he contacted her Sept 2001). He carried around those pics in his pocket. One of the four boys at the top of a dormant volcano and one of me, dressed for dinner, lying on the hotel bed. I know he showed them to her. I tore them up.

FSA – your H had nothing good to say about you because he wanted OW to feel the cherished one. He could hardly say what a great person you were, that was not what OW wanted to hear! My H says he stopped talking about me.

LostH – I forgot your interview!! I forgot to say good luck, so I really hope it went well, and I really hope you get it if it’s the one for you. Here’s waiting for that first class letter….. And BT, you gonna take that one?

Now I’ve caught up, I’m going to tell you that I went out today and got me that “true to myself” ring. One I can wear all the time. It symbolises wanting to love, respect and trust myself. Ring finger right hand, 18ct with diamonds set into the gold. Simple and understated (like me!). Now I’m going to have to explain it all to my H. Oh, and btw, the wedding rings were found …….


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to talk with the news editor on Friday and see if there is any flexibility. I feel like I don't have that many options here, since there are only a few media outlets and it's been so long since I've worked in the business. We'll see.


FSA:

I can't speak for anyone else, but I know I had a lot of work to do on myself post d-day. Not just to be a better wife, but to be a person that I wanted to be.

At first, it was very important to me to blame my husband for all the parts of me I didn't like -- and in fact, living with someone who -- from the beginning of your marriage -- lies, betrays, gaslights, blameshifts and hands off all his anger for you to carry does indeed change and warp you in ways you can only see once you understand that he is doing it.

The ways his choices changed me angered me almost as much as the actual affair. Actually, they outraged me. I felt like he had not just betrayed me, but that his crazy-making and lies had taken a 24-year-old filled with hope and love and confidence and changed her into a 45-year-old filled with anger, suspicion and self-doubt.

But after I got into IC a little more and read here and elsewhere, that need to blame and to punish him faded as did the resentment/anger I held for him for acting the way he had. I understood that he was really broken in key ways, and that what he did was about him and not about me. Just like what I did and how I acted was really about me and not him. I realized that I reacted to him and his shitty behavior the way I did because I had my own pile I was carrying around. And both of those piles had to be cleaned up before the air would start being healthier and more pleasant.

We have a much nicer landscape now that the poop levels are lowered.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
soggycornflakes
♀ Member
Member # 17198
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

alright...you were very kind so I'll give you an update. It turns out NC was broken (other BS contacted me, haven't confronted H about this yet) Other couple divorcing as well. Truthfully, and I know this sounds crazy but I'm actually doing better after the talk with other BS. Somehow all this has seemed like a dream and because of the distance I really thought I had a shot of making it all go away. I was wrong. But, truthfully I feel better now. messed up right? I'm going to be o.k. Thanks everyone.


Life is a blessing... an adventure... many days very hard... always worth the walk.

Posts: 376 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Ohio
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((soggy)))) I am so sorry. However, at least now you know that what you were feeling was right. You were feeling was someone would feel if it was not true R. I am sorry again that you find yourself in this position but when you know what, in fact, you are facing sometimes it is easier. All the pieces fall into place and, as bad as it may seem, it makes sense. Please keep posting, lean on us, and take care of yourself.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry Soggy. How do you plan to confront him?


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had a lot of catching up to do--and lots of thought-provoking posts to read and think about.

Thanks, Maia--your posts are always helpful. And FSA, I love your lightbulb moment--I had the same one intellectually, but am still having trouble letting go of the resentment still--I do think it's because of the necessary C we still have to have with OW over OC--but we are both working pretty hard, and I have hope. And if I'm screwed again, I will survive. Had to add that, it's like a safety net for me--otherwise I think I just jumped out of the plane without a parachute. And reconciling after a LTA has elements of doing just that anyway, I think. Or maybe reconciling after any infidelity, but certainly to a greater degree after a LTA.

Good luck with jobs, diamonds, reconciling, or not, with everything everyone is dealing with. No words of wisdom, just checking in and offering hugs.


Happy New Year.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Soggy)))))

Now you have the truth. What happens from here is up to YOU. You have choices, you know your gut was correct, and you are armed with knowledge. Stand firm, friend. It might be time to 180 your WH. This is the time to focus on YOU. And we are here to help any way we can- vent away.

Heartbroken


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First
((((((Soggy)))))) I know you must be hurting, and we're all here to help however we can. Stay in touch with us. We care.

BT, good luck. I sure don't know the answer to your job situation. But I do hope that you are able to work it out to best suit you and your family.

At first, it was very important to me to blame my husband for all the parts of me I didn't like -- and in fact, living with someone who -- from the beginning of your marriage -- lies, betrays, gaslights, blameshifts and hands off all his anger for you to carry does indeed change and warp you in ways you can only see once you understand that he is doing it.
I felt like he had not just betrayed me, but that his crazy-making and lies had taken a 24-year-old filled with hope and love and confidence and changed her into a 45-year-old filled with anger, suspicion and self-doubt.
I understood that he was really broken in key ways, and that what he did was about him and not about me. Just like what I did and how I acted was really about me and not him.
Yes BT you said it so much better than I can.
I just realised that not only do I have to admit to my faults, which I have from day one. But I also have to change those faults. H screwed up royally. And he has made changes. He is at my beck and call. He is doing all that he can. While I on the other hand am still acting like the same old FSA but with a new twist. Now, not only can I be cold and resentful but boy you also owe me big time, and I'm going to see to it that you pay dearly on a regular basis.
How I could ever have thought that this M would ever move forward like that is beyond me. And another thing. H has been taking it all. Just like he has for years. Now granted, he has asked for alot of what he got, but like the old saying goes "two wrongs don't make a right". For years he has taken my abuse and never even considered leaving me. He did what he knew to do. He kept me b/c he did love me, and he sought out what I would not give him from snaggletooth bitch. But through it all, he could never let me go.
So I now see that it is time for me to stop being so mean and ugly to him if we are to stand a chance at making it. I stay miserable, he stays miserable, and the kids stay miserable. I've even seen my 6yoa DS talk to my H like I do. Not good.

Well just like always I'm rambling and having such a hard time putting my thoughts into writing.

I go to IC tomorrow. I'll hash it out with her and see where we get.

And FSA, I love your lightbulb moment--I had the same one intellectually, but am still having trouble letting go of the resentment still-
25 I've got to try and get rid of the resentment for my own sanity. That's where the "for you" part comes in. Doing things for you. I just dont understand why it took me so long to snap to that.

It's been a long day, but an enlightening one. Good Night All

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
zanny
♀ Member
Member # 13183
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA – your H had nothing good to say about you because he wanted OW to feel the cherished one. He could hardly say what a great person you were, that was not what OW wanted to hear!

From what I know, the OW deliberately avoids the conversation about the wife. They want to feel that their relationship with MM is exclusive. They want to feel that it is their relationship separate from the marriage. They do that best by completely ignoring the wife's existance. If they do want to know something, it is just in a snarky way to feel that they are gaining a competetive edge.

The amount of time that MM actually spends with OW is so low, so so low that they focus exclusively on themselves. It's a delusional egofest for the two. As time goes by, I am deeply relieved that I did not even gain an honorable mention in that putrid "relationship". Sure, they made small noises "Oh, it isn't right. Oh, I feel so bad." Yeah, right whatever. Don't do me any favor with those empty platitudes. Keep it to yourselves.

FSA, WOW. DOUBLE WOW WOW!! Good for you. Hang on to these glimmers, they will help you pull through those rough patches when you feel stuck. No, we never deserved the LTA, no one does. But, knowing that the M wasn't that strong, and I was a contributor to that actually gave me a sense of responsibility. While the rest of the A just spun me completely out of control. MY portion keeps me feeling as if I have/had some control over this. The parts of me that feel responsible have been the cause of some very deep pain on my part, but they have also given me an area to master too. I don't have to put this ALL on him and by not doing so, I actually gain control not lose it.


BS-Me
WS-Him
D-day #1 LTA
False Reconciliation then
D-day #2
In reconciliation


"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."


Posts: 573 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: The Middle of Somewhere
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

first of all, soggy, I'm so sorry to hear about everything that's going on with you. I found pure righteous anger got me through his stupid moves. I had to get angry before I could get numb to him.

So, guys, what do you do when you have nothing to say to him? Nothing. He rants, I say nothing because I don't want to get into his judgemental attitude. I start a conversation (yesterday I did one of his gourmet meals and wanted to talk about it), he didn't. I asked him about the weather report this morning and he said unless I had to be out in it all day, I had no room to comment about it.

I get that he has to be. That he hates his job right now, that he hates cold weather, that he basically hates that I'm sitting home and he's not. But other than "no I didn't choose a profession that kept me out in the weather all day" as a response. We had nothing to say to each other.

I feel I should have reminded him to cancel his IC appt since he's working this weekend "because we need the money since SOMEBODY isn't". But if I follow his reasoning, I'M not seeing his IC, so I guess I have no room to talk about it.

He went to bed at 9 PM last night and I was relieved. Especially since we watched that stupid Wife Swap program and he had all this judgemental stuff to say about the husbands and wives, I know the show is done for dramatic affect so you do shake your head in wonder at what people do and say, but I'm trying very hard not to judge anyone ( but him of course ). People live their lives the best way they can based on their upbringing right? So no one is really responsible for their actions.

I'm just so angry today. Been that way for a couple days.

My IC cancelled my appt again last night. Now SHE'S starting to piss me off. She was all apologetic, but you know, I really didn't care about her "other committments". This is like the 5th time it's happened. I think I need a new IC.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning Ladies

((((Soggy)))) How are you?

UK Congrats on your ring. Wear it beautifully!!!

the OW deliberately avoids the conversation about the wife. They want to feel that their relationship with MM is exclusive.
Exclusive.... that is just laughable. ow has to be deep deep into la la land to try and kid herself that she has ANY part of MM exclusive. Almost makes me feel sorry for her. I did say almost. NOT.

This morning I need to give God all the glory for my breakthrough. I was fighting to understand this thing so hard. There is no understanding or explaining LTA. Or at least not for me. But I was so so frustrated and in pain and miserable. Tuesday night I was just beside myself spiraling, so I prayed and begged God to help me. I told Him that I just don't think that I can stand much more. I don't know how much further I can go and continue to maintain. I NEED HELP. And I got it. So I don't deserve any pats on the back. God is solely responsible for my breakthrough. Maybe he knows that it was time for me to get some relief.

Time for work. Hope you have a good day.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I don't deserve any pats on the back.

Yes you do FSA. You are working hard on this, and yes God did help you, but remember He only helps those who help themselves.
I am proud of you. (((FSA)))

Thank you all for the good wishes re the interview. I wish I could just shrug it off if I dont get it, but I do so want it. I need a break.
Anyway, onward and upward.Already started prepping for the next one!

BT, congratulations!

I hope they are flexible with their times. How on earth are you supposed to maintain a work/life balance with those kind of hours. What happ to work to live, instead of live to work??

(((weepy)))
You do need a new IC!! Cancelling for the 3rd time! How very unprofessional.

Ukgirl, post us a pic of your ring!

OTC, thank you for the support you give us all here. You are so full of passion and optimism! What a joy.

Maia, I cant imagine how painful it must be posting here. Thank you for your courage and willingness to help us understand this beast.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They want to feel that their relationship with MM is exclusive.

Guess what, they DID have an exclusive relationship for years. He never cheated on HER once! Said he didn't need the pros because she was there, he of course, wasn't being intimate with me. They were "true" to each other.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy!
All due respect but DONT BE AN ASS!!
They were not an exclusive.
Why should he pay for sex when he was getting it for free from her. She was his umpaid whore.No money, no effort.How degrading for her.
He got everything else from you.

ANNOUNCEMENT:
Just received THE call and my Tribespeople, I am happy to say :
I got the job!

Thank you so much all of you.
I got a job. I get to dress up everyday. I get my own money. Yayyy.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
DMS88
♀ Member
Member # 13461
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys. Sorry to see that the new year is not going well for many of you.

So far the year has gone okay, but I am only three days into it.

December really sucked for me. Hubby didn't get around to buying me a Christmas gift for the second year in a row. He claims he couldn't get out to get one because I have kept him on a short leash the entire month. We are retired, so we are together 24/7. Then he told me that "You told me late on Christmas Eve that you didn't want to exchange gifts."

Which is BS because I had bought his gift weeks before.

Well, a few days after Christmas I get a box in the mail. I am thinking he bought me a gift. He looks at the box mystified, so that is my first clue that he didn't get it. So I thought a family member sent it.

But then I see the postmark is from the OW's hometown.

Yep, she sent me a gift. After two months of NC she waits until Christmas to send me a box filled with stuff HE GAVE HER.

What really pissed me off is the items he gave her were things I GAVE HIM! There was a Christmas gift I gave him a couple years before, a gift this children gave him and a gift I gave him 23 years ago while we were dating.

I was livid!

I went off on him and he played the hurt little boy with the mean wife bringing him down. Then I explained in painful detail WHY I was upset. "I gave you this gift while we were dating!! How could you!"

There was a shocked look on his face and he stuttered, "I forgot I gave that to her. I am so sorry."

That is the problem, the idiot doesn't think.

So I look at the box full of stuff and I start wondering what in our house was given to him by her.

I look at these really expensive sheets he said he bought by "accident". The sheets cost $100. It was an item that he would NEVER have bought on his own.

"Did you screw her on these sheets! Because if you did, burn them!"

He denies it. I look at a new Music CD he had that was a band I never heard of. It was a band he probably would never listen too. "Who bought you this?"

"I did." he said hesitantly.

"How about those wine glasses you brought home, did you bring her to our favorite winery?"

He admitted yes, but that was the glass he used and he bought her her own glass which she kept. I made him get rid of all the glasses he bought while with her.

Later on I went to put out the garbage and I find the sheets in the trash. I was furious that he lied to me.

I confronted him. He claims they never had sex on them but the OW highly recommended those sheets to him. So he threw them away to appease me.

That slut recommended that he buy $100 sheets and the idiot does it!

Anyway, that all happened the last week of 2007. He has had NC since October and I believe him because in her Christmas package she wrote a letter calling him an A-hole and a jerk.

I have decided that I am not going to dwell on all this stuff in 2008 and things have been going well... so far. I don't want to jinx myself.

I still wonder if I can really love him like I used to love him. He seems like damaged goods now. He was with this woman almost two years and she is still forcing herself into our lives.

But the family unit is working better now. He spends more time with his children and his drinking has gotten better. I have told him I don't want him to drink hard booze. He doesn't understand why since he says he just gets mellow. It is true that he is mellow, but when I talk to him it is like there is no spark in his eyes. It is like I am talking to a shell of a man. It is unnerving.

So I have told him he can only drink beer or wine. He got off the wagon at Christmas and hid that he was drinking wiskey. I looked at him later on and said, "Let me guess, you are drinking hard booze." He admitted it. I guess he thought I would not notice the difference. I think he now knows the booze really affects him differently.

When he was in the affair his drinking skyrocketted. He was drunk all the time. Before I knew about the affair I was watering down all of his vodka and wiskey bottles. I knew if I poured them out he would just buy more and hide it. So I would pour half the bottle out and replace it with water.

After I discovered the affair I was no longer tolerant of his BS and I would just pour it out.

I mean he went to a children's birthday party drunk. He doesn't think he was drunk, but he was.

So 2008 he has been pretty much sober. I noticed he even mixes the wine with strawberry soda.

He is an alcoholic, but he won't quit, so having him cut down greatly is a great relief.

I still search his truck and the house for the hard stuff and pour it out when I find it.

Oh man, this is a vent. Sorry, but I am still mad about the whole LTA, but I am hopeful for the future.

I hope everybody has a wonderful year.


Me: 47 years old
Husband: 46 years old
Married: 22 years, together 25
Two children, 7 & 8
Discovered the affair: 4 Jan '07. It started in March '06.
Second D-Day 9 October 2007 (same woman).
Reconciling--hopefully not a false R

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