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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((SVS)))))
MY thoughts and prayers are with you!!! Hang in there strong lady. Show that bitch!!!

Tell her FSA said "where is that smiley when I need it". You know the one I'm talking about huh.

You tell him the Cowgirl said to knock that shit off or we're all comin down there to smack a little sense into him!
Now I hope he'll lie again. I want to see that one!!! Please do.

LOL
FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SVS)))
Stay strong and kick butt!

(((newbies)))

FSA, the wedding sounds wonderful!!!May it be a day to be treasured always.

Zanny

. I really think that your H pushed the limits of this to test you. If your M fails over this because you hold your ground, you at least know the truth. No man would let his M fail over a letter if he wants to be married.

Well it looks like its going to be that way. We have hardly communicated except when he called to speak to kids.He is staying in a hotel a few miles from here, but might as well be in a diff galaxy.

He called this am to say that he is at work.I asked him what he has been saying to the kids about when he will come back. He said that he told them he will be home on Friday. So I asked how is that going to happen exactly, he hasnt done what he was supposed to do.This led to an argument with him saying that we cant carry on like we have been doing for the last year, that alot of changes need to be made, including me if he is going to come back. HUH??

I reminded him that the reason he is in a hotel is because he failed to live up to his ultimatum.He was sarcastic and said something like, "yeah yeah yeah.." which he does when he wants you to know that he is not listening.

I told him that it is clear that he does not want the M, so not to bother coming home Friday.

I cant believe that he is going to chuck everything over a letter.

Part of me is panicking, the other part is so angry. What a waste of time this has all been.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It isn't over a letter though really. It is over whether he wants to be married for real.

My guess is that what he wants is the same kind of unreal marriage he had before where he did things only halfway. Fifty percent commitment and fantasy escape hatches all around. The marriage where you did all the work and he called all the shots. He knows that isn't going to be good enough anymore and he is trying to work out whether he is willing to do marriage for real.

It's an internal battle he has to fight. Let him do it, Lost. In fact, make him do it. Make him choose and commit for real this time. Not 50 percent or 70, but 100 percent.

Time for Peter Pan to grow up. You deserve a man for a husband, not a kid.

And you are strong enough to get through this. You have more in you than you know and every day brings you a little more strength. I bet he feels that, too, and it scares him a little.


Edited to correct a pretty funny typo. I've amused myself first thing this morning.

[This message edited by BorrowTrouble at 6:43 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)]


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Edited to correct a pretty funny typo. I've amused myself first thing this morning

Darn! You should have left it in BT. Sure could use a laugh.

I think I also have an internal struggle going on. Part of me wants to duke this crap out, and come out a better person, W and M. The other part wants to chicken out,the costs seems too high, I should just take whats on because to be honest, its way better than I/we have ever had.So what if I just give in, we will be fine, the kids grow up, get married, I go to work, build a career, H and I will be up and down until one or both gets too tired and checks out, and then I die.

The other part is saying that there is more to life than this, we will get better and be better people, the kids will grow to expect more from themselves and their partners and lead rich fulfilling lives because they would have seen us do it.And when I die, there will be no regrets on my lips.

Robt was right.I am facing my fears: fears of abandonment, fears of being poor, fears of not being good enough, fears of having failed...just to name a few.

So BT, do I just leave him be? Let him go through whatever he needs to, and then wait for him to decide what he is willing to do? And then decide whether that is good enough?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I think a little encouragement might be in order, but I would not go to him with it. If you talk to him when he calls the kids, I would see if there was a way to tell him exactly what you told us here, that there is more to life than what you two have been living. You want a real partnership, where you support one another, "get better and be better people, (where) the kids will grow to expect more from themselves and their partners and lead rich fulfilling lives because they would have seen us do it. And when I die, there will be no regrets on my lips."

Tell him you both have settled for a mediocre marriage when you could have had a great one, and that you hope he doesn't want to settle anymore, but wants to make it great. But that requires work from both of you, starting with keeping promises and keeping third parties out of your marriage, whether they be OW whores or family members or bosses or whomever.

Time for you guys to have a partnership with just the two of you.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what if I just give in, we will be fine, the kids grow up, get married, I go to work, build a career, H and I will be up and down until one or both gets too tired and checks out, and then I die.

Lost - I can just imagine how hard it is right now but from everything you are saying about your H's attitude and past history, it would seem that taking him back too quickly will only result in him being even more of a bastard than he has been (IMHO). He is bullying you, he doesn't believe you can do this. He is challenging you and if you fail (in his eyes) by taking him back, I really do think he will treat you with even more disrespect than he has been. Please forgive my directness, but reading your profile again and some of your recent posts, this is a "mindfuck" that he seems to like to play with you. It's time to give that boy the challenge of his lifetime.
(((Lost)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm not BT, but I think her advice has been great on this and that she's exactly right about it not being over a letter.

It seems to me like he's having a big old foot-stomping tantrum because you've drawn your lines and are sticking to them and it's making him uncomfortable. I know this is easy to advocate from the outside and hard to do when your whole life feels like it might be crumbling in front of your eyes, but I say you hold onto that line for all you're worth. If you don't, he'll come back, knowing that he can manipulate you out of every boundary you draw, every expectation you set.

And the safe option you outline doesn't seem that safe. Yes, you can exist in a marriage where you don't expect much, but that lack of expectation doesn't really protect your heart and your mind (and probably not the kids in the long run either). In fact, in the long run it might turn out to be a whole lot harder than facing down your fears now.

So my vote is be firm in your expectations and communicate that you're equally firm in your belief he can meet them if he wants to. And then let him stew.

((LH))


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1477 | Registered: Feb 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I agree with FNF. This is not the time to settle. In his current frame of mind, he will view that as you conceding and he will take full advantage. I believe this is a turning point, Lost, and that if you stand up for yourself here you can make a real difference in your life and your kids lives.

It will not be easy, and he may not step up, but then again he may. I think you both owe it to yourselves to give him the chance to do it.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having a good ol sobbing session.

I am so scared.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lost)))) I agree with all that's been said here too. Just want you to know that stepping through and beyond a life long pattern that has had such a dramatic impact on your happiness and your definition of self like this one is not easy but it's well worth it. It's tough to hold out and stand your ground, but this is your life Lost. You're at a pivitol place that can change the whole course of your life. You're going against the patterns you've learned from your mother and most likely from generations before her. You're also going against all that you've set in your own pattern up until now in your life. This is hard stuff, but again, it pays off HUGE when you can step beyond it! Lean on us here. We're all pulling for you. (((Lost))))


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH - my vote is with the crowd and, if it helps, I am in a somewhat similar situation. After dday#2, I told him to leave, it has been 10 days and it is really hard. My H is acting remorseful AND doing what you want and I still want him to *FEEL* the separation from me and the family. I want him to *KNOW* that I am strong enough to do this alone. Do I want to do it alone? F*ck no, but I will if I have to. We have been together 27 years - married 22 years and I am done with the disrespect, the lies, being married to *part* of a man (or should I say boy). I want him to PAAAAAYYYYY and then I will decide whether he has become the man that I want to spend my life with.

What is the result of this behavior on my part? I cycle betweenn anger and devastation. The kids miss their dad. The dog even misses him. Our house feels empty with the holidays coming. Our vacations have been cancelled and the parties are RSVP "no" or "gosh, I just came down with something"....in other words life sucks. But - life sucked before too. We have to hold the line on this so they know they can no longer take advantage of us. I don't want to be used, I want to be loved.

(((SVS))) sending you radar beams of strength >->->->->->go bury that Ho alive.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I don't blame you for sobbing, Lost, it's scary. But you can get through this and you will.

One other thing occured to me re-reading the conversation you had with him this morning. I don't think you should engage enough to argue--it doesn't sound productive for either of you and I supect it lets him see and feel your fear and he uses that. I think you should be very calm and firm and a bit aloof.

You can do this.


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1477 | Registered: Feb 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost - I am spending a LOT of time crying. I am mourning the death of the life as I knew it. I thought I had a good life but it was a fantasy. I still miss that false life but it is gone. Mourn it hon, weep for its passing but let it go. The tears will help wash it away.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost, are you religious at all? Do you pray?

If so, this is a time to ask for help. I do believe God supports when we seek it.

If you don't have that kind of spiritual belief, take some time to meditate and center yourself. If you've never done that, I can find you a good website for you. It's very helpful.

I also think this is a time to take especially good care of yourself. Get out there and exercise, even if just a walk. Make sure you eat properly, watch the alcohol intake and keep as busy as humanly possible. Get those resumes out and start lining up work.

I'm not much on cyber hugs, but I'm sending a boatload across the ocean to you right now. Facing down your fears is the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but the rewards are beyond imagining. You have a tribe of strong and able women standing behind you, sending prayers and strength to you. It's hard to change, but believe me in the long run it's even harder not to.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

This is someone on SI's tag line. I saw soon after first registering and it keeps coming back to me. I have just taped it onto my monitor so that I can keep referring to it. It strikes a deep chord within.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry troop, I have been off dealing with my own demons with the help of a personal SI counselor (thank you again). I just haven't felt I could contribute anything but misery for the past few days.

Lost, honey, I know this is hard, I cannot imagine being apart at this time of year. And I agree that you should not engage him at all in asking about his plans, the future, the past, what he's going to tell the kids, etc. Anybody asks me what's going on with my H these days and the answer is "ask him".

H and I talked a little about my layoff last night. I asked him what the "pool" said about my returning to work. He says he thinks I'll last about a week and a half until I'm stir crazy and dying to get back out to the work force. The opposite pendulum is that I won't ever want to go back after getting a taste of unemployment.

My IC last night asked me what I thought he was so freaked out about... was he afraid of being put into the "sole provider" role, did he think I was going to have my own affair with all that time on my hands. I told her he'd only expressed concern about losing our medical benefits, but I have that covered.

So I asked him last night... what if I don't ever return to work? He said we'd have to drastically change our lifestyle... I asked how. He said we'd have to give up the house, couldn't afford the mortage on one salary. So I said, what if I get a job that will cover the mortgage, would you be uncomfortable carrying the rest of the load? He, of course, said "I don't know". And I guess that's true.... he's never been in this position before.. responsible for everything.

I'm going to take this time to reflect on myself. Do what I want to do, think about what I want out of my future. Where I want to go from here. And it IS scary, but I know I have good friends (here) who will prop me up when I fall and cheer me when I'm down, or hold my hand and give a () if I need it.

I hope all of you know the same.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((LTA Tribe)))

Thank you..all of you.

BT, can you believe that after dday2, I kind of lost my road to God? I want to believe with all my being like I used to, when I thought that if you do good and be good, that you get some kind of imdemnity against bad stuff.Naive huh?

Now God and I are on polite terms with each other.However I have been known to break down crying when I pray, esp when I do so for others,so...

Re the work, have spent the last 2 days acting like a cheap whore and putting my CV on every freekin website.Someones bound to bite right?

Havent eaten much, not even tea and biskies. Feel sick to my stomach. After reading how mellow Shirley gets after a glass or 2, I wish I did drink, but against my religion. Go figure!

You have a tribe of strong and able women standing behind you, sending prayers and strength to you

I feel bad for board hogging when there are people that are equally if not more needy...but ...
THANK YOU ALL.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lost))) you sound better...you even ed. Please keep posting. You will get through this.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
mumto3sat
♀ Member
Member # 14336
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't EVER want to hear that from you again Lost Heart!


You could NEVER in a MILLION Years act like a cheap whore. Wash your mouth out with soap immediately!


Me (BS): 38
Him (WS): 38
3 children, d 6 s 4 s 1yr
D day #1 03/16/07 8 mth ea
D day #2 07/13/07 turned into 7 year long term affair, pa/ea 08/18/07 Got final info - is that it?

Posts: 284 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: UK
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost I'm at work, so just a sec here.

Hold your head up. You're doing great!!!!

I'm praying for you. Take a little walk with Jesus.

And if you're gonna act like a cheap whore, I get to come and we'll do it together. I bet we'll have lots of kicks. Don't forget to find some humor somewhere.

Gotta go
FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


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