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User Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
zanny
♀ Member
Member # 13183
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soggy, I hope you keep sharing. You sound strong, but these are tough times be sure to allow yourself to let it out. This is a perfect place for that.

Lost..CONGRATULATIONS!! WooHoo, new job, new clothes, new LIFE!! When does your position begin?

DSM, I can only say AA. AA. AA. and AA. You cannot operate like this. Emptying bottles, there are always more. He is behaving like a child and you are his mother. This is no premise for a relationship. Draw the line in the sand. Things may be "better" but it doesn't have the substance you need to build a relationship upon.

I winced when I read your post. It just made me so angry that is how your Christmas went and he good give those things to that wretched whore. With the drinking, his memory of it is probably very fuzzy and you can give a slight pass for impaired judgement, but come on, he's just been taking the easy out and the easy road for too long. This man needs to grow up. Sorry, I know you know this, but your post just makes me want to dump in him a rehab center and you at the local spa

FSA keep praying for that strength, He will give it to you.

Hugs to the rest of you.


BS-Me
WS-Him
D-day #1 LTA
False Reconciliation then
D-day #2
In reconciliation


"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."


Posts: 573 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: The Middle of Somewhere
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am doing a happy dance for you all around my dining room.

When do you start? Have you sorted out child care, etc? Have you planned your clothes shopping trip?


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost, Congrats, friend.
Looks like 2008 is starting off right for you.

DM, Uhhhhhh......reading your post just makes me sick.

Yes, your H was a thoughtless ass for giving her things that should have been "sacred" to you and his M. But then again were any of our WS loyal to anything related to the M during the A??

But...and here is where I am going into territory that some folks may not appreciate..and I understand that.....

What kind of miserable, vicious bitch would send that box to your home at Christmas??

Look....We all assign 150% responsibility to our WS for the LTA..no question and no begging off that reality....it is a fact.

But no one can have a LTA without someone willing to stay in a sordid pretense like that....deliberately invading. and continuing to invade..another person's life.
A morally vacant creature who KNOWS year in, year out...exactly what the deal is.....and gets their kicks doing it.
Even though... they are no higher than a roll of toilet paper when the D-day light comes on.

Other types of A's....ONS, quickie jungle-sex A's, onlines, SA's.....etc....these all have that "hit and run" element. Both from the cheater and the cheatee.

I know I am singing to the choir here....but DM's post just highlights so vividly the disgusting role the LTA OW/OM played in all this pain inflicted on families.

And for what?.....to spend furtive time in backseats, in parking lots, in blocked calls.....pathetic moments in-between the WS's real life...hidden away like rats.

And then this cretin in DM's situation decides she will show her rodent ways one more time.. and send that box....

Don't mind me........
we are coming up on the 2 year mark in Feb (Valentine's Day)...I need to get this crap out.
Clear the decks of rotting trash and garbage, so to speak....


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hip Hip Hooray for Lost!!!!!

Congrats!!!!!!

But explain this one to me.

I have a job and want to be a SAHM.

You're a SAHM and want a job.

Just picking at you. The shopping alone will be worth working. Which I guess I better get some of done, working that is.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
DMS88
♀ Member
Member # 13461
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What kind of miserable, vicious bitch would send that box to your home at Christmas??

I made sure I pointed out that point to him very forcefully. I am certain NC has been going on since October, but I am also certain that he sees the OW as a genuinely nice person who truly loves him and all her past actions were just the work of a woman who was broken hearted and was fighting for her man.

He may think this last stunt is still the work of a woman who loves him, but I see it as her being a spiteful witch who wants to do anything to tear apart our family so she can have him back.

In her letter she says she swore that she would never be the OW after her first husband cheated on her, but it was all my husband's fault because he lied about his marital status (for at least the first few months).

Now I can understand that and that is why I originally had no hard feelings toward this woman. That is why I emailed her telling her he was married with children. I was appealing to her sense of decency. I thought an honorable woman would back off.

Instead I get harrassing emails, phone calls and packages. He was 100% wrong to have the affair, but this woman is not making reconciliation easy. I know she is mad at him, but doesn't she realize her continous taunts are hurting a family? There are other lives at stake here... including two small children.

I mean, my husband gave her a fake name and she did not have a clue as to what his real name was until I contacted her. Doesn't it give her a clue, that after 9 months of dating if he has not told her his real name... she probably was not somebody he was planning on making a future with.

I now regret contacting her, but I thought she would do the right thing and it would make it easier for him to get out of the fog.

I am so naive.

[This message edited by DMS88 at 10:37 AM, January 3rd (Thursday)]


Me: 47 years old
Husband: 46 years old
Married: 22 years, together 25
Two children, 7 & 8
Discovered the affair: 4 Jan '07. It started in March '06.
Second D-Day 9 October 2007 (same woman).
Reconciling--hopefully not a false R

Posts: 1518 | Registered: Jan 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey did I mention that I have a job??

The kids are so excited, youngest DD hug me so fast, she knocked over my tea!
I can just see DS planning how he is going to spend my money.

Gosh I hate to sound materialistic, but I love those words: MY MONEY!

I remember how humiliating it was asking H for money over the years, and explaining why. The bargain shopping and cutting here and there, so I didnt exceed the amount he gave. Then how wonderful he would look to the kids when he took them shopping and told them to choose whatever they wanted, whilst I would be the one who was always saying we cant afford that, or not this month.In the meantime he was spending money on his games, his toys, OW, hotels etc. And if I ever questioned him, he would say "Then you get a job!"

I. GOT. A. JOB.

Oh FSA, I wish I could explain it. Its more than the money.Someone thinks I am worth something, even though I havent worked for 12 years. They are willing to invest in me. I have been a SAHM for 12 years...yes I get the satisfaction and fulfillment from bringing up my kids. BUT on dday 1, I realised how vulnerable I am. Everytime H tells me to f**k off, I would start shaking inside, knowing that I cant really. What would I do with no income and 3 kids?

This job means I can start making myself and the kids safe.

Sorry to go off on this tangent. I just cant explain it any better. (happy)

BT, I dont know when I start. They are now going to do the paperwork for eg, because it involves working with vulnerable children, I need a CRB check done etc. That usually takes a month. To be honest, the lady was saying all sorts of stuff, but I stopped listening. And made her repeat the "You got the job" part.

As for clothes shopping...just in time for the Jan sales! Next week for sure when my sister is here. I am awful shopping alone. My butt looks huge in everything!


Thanks zanny, nas and FSA.
*****

Nas, I am with you.
The OW in DSM's life really is pathetic. Looks like she really wanted to screw it up for DSM's H. Talk about sour grapes!
But DSM, your H is going to take the Butthead of the Month award. He gave her your stuff!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DM - I think we would all like to think the OW has some sense of decency. A part of me does not want to believe my H could spend this amount of time with a woman who has no values whatsoever.

BUT, I also think that is being naive. You are right, any honorable woman would back off. But this clearly is not an honorable woman!!! Our WS's saw what they needed to see in these OW in order to get through whatever crisis they were having, or to get the "fix" they needed. Doesn't make them "good people". (thats how my WS described her.)

Hopefully after something so hateful and evil your H will eventually come out of the fog and see her for the dishonorable person she is. Hang in there!

Lost - Congrats!!
I was a SAHM for 14 years and started a part-time job right before DDay. Don't know what I would have done with out it. Love my job, bosses and how it makes me feel about myself. Only positive in my life (other than my kids) for quite awhile. Not alot of money, but the self-worth is priceless.

Not knocking SAHM's. I would NEVER do that. I hate how woman think they have to take sides on that issue. Would never change the years home with my kids, but also know I was at a point where I needed this job. I think it was some kind of divine intervention at the time. Has been a great distraction for me.


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doesn't it give her a clue, that after 18 month of dating if he has not told her his real name... she probably was not somebody he was planning on making a future with.

EXACTLY......!!!!!!

That's the point.....in the LTA, the "other" end of it knows what is on the table, whether it is fake names and special phone numbers.....Which, unless they are hopelessly impaired and stupid, are a neon flag waving.....OR... as in most cases, they know it all and choose to continue with it anyway.

My H's was 8 years...she knew he was lying his butt off, knew he was never leaving and she was just the side-parking lot piece...and she even said exactly that with high drama on D-day.

LTA's are deadly to all parties....and the OPs involved are a heinous ingredient that play such a key role. There is no mitigating that fact.

DM.....hang in there.
She is, unfortunately, part of the scattered trash his A generated.
And you weren't naive...

Another ingredient that the LTA must have in place to exist is that the BS "trusts"...

If that is naiveté......then you have much company here in LTA-land.

Hugs


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats Lost!!!!! YEAH!!! I couldn't be happier for you. You don't have to explain at all how much this means. The fact that you are seeing yourself as valuable, needed and wanted in an environment where there is an equal exchange for the value you bring - $$$$$ (sorry I don't know how to make the pound sign) is a WONDERFUL advancement for your healing. And knowing you can be safe financially in spite of what your H does is HUGE!!! You go girl!!!

(((((Soggy)))) I just don't know what to say. You're heart has to be breaking in so many ways. Let us support you here and be sure to pull in ALL of your support network. It's times like these that you find out who your real friends are and when surprising new soul-friends show up in your life. Let them in and let them support you. Ask for help and ask for emotional support.

DM - OK, your H takes one of our weekly asshole awards (just made that up, we really don't have weekly awards for this but thought it sounded good). Giving away the things you gave him to the OW whore? Good God! Although, being very well versed in alcoholism I have to say that you're going to have a very rocky R until he addresses his drinking. The drink just allows him to continue to hide out and numb his feelings and escape reality. Beer and wine are still alcohol and provide the same experience. I think most FWS's who have come out of the fog, etc. will tell you an A, especially a LTA, is just another addiction. Your H is continuing his addictions and using it to escape reality. You on the other hand are enabling him. I know, I did it for years! With my H, my mother, uncles, aunt's, brothers, you name it. Are you both in MC or IC? If not you may find yourselves circling over the same dynamics over and over without ever moving forward. How about Alanon for you? You may want to look into the meetings if you haven't already. OK, now for the evil bitch who sent you the package. I get a little kick knowing there's an OW out there spitting mad she didn't "win" but at the same time I find it hard to believe that any of them have the audacity to feel any sense of entitlement to ANYTHING! And WTF? She found out after 3 mos. your H was married? If she was so much up on her moral high horse why didn't she walk then? Because she loved him so much? Give me a fucking break! At three months it's nothing more than infatuation! She can try again with her lame bullshit excuse! Sorry, I'm with Numb. These whores really get me going and bring out ALL my anger issues still! I think I can be at the 10 year mark past Dday and will always feel this way. And your H never told her his real name and she still thinks it was love? For the love of God, how do they cope with the delusion they live in? DM, IMO, you've got some tough work ahead of you if you are wanting to give your M a chance. NC isn't enough. He has to be willing to delve into his dysfunctions and addictions. He has to see your wellbeing as a priority and be invested in working towards creating a true partnership. This will mean you'll have to give up the co-dependency with his drinking and this will mean looking at your own stuff which, as you can see from FSA's posts, is a tough one to do since what your H has done is so heinous and can really make you feel like it should be him doing all the tough work. I know this is tough talk I'm dishing out here and you can do what you like with it. I'm speaking from a lot of experience with alcoholism and addiction and I can tell you that it's just an extension of his A behavior. And how about you go out and buy yourself one helluva Christmas present. Show him your happiness is not contingent on his behavior. Show him you can exist happily and whole without his participation. Until he sees this he has no impetus to change and knows there are no consequences to his actions. And as far as him not seeing the pig OW for who she is after this? Well, that would indicate he just doesn't want to see or feel anything. Not surprising when he's numbing out on alcohol still. Hope I haven't been too harsh here with you DM, but I can't stress this enough. I want for you to find your own stability and wellbeing as your H may or may not be capable of providing it.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost, I know exactly what you mean about the job. I feel the same way. It's almost like recovering an important piece of yourself. Like regaining your power and becoming whole again.

DM, your H is a mess and the OW is unspeakable. I second the advice to go to Alanon, it will really make a difference to you.

FSA, something you wrote has been bothering me. You wrote that you pushed him into her arms. I don't believe that, especially not in your case. You've said your H cheated on you while you were engaged, didn't you? Were you resentful of him them? Do you believe you pushed him into that?

We've got a lot of people here whose H's started cheating before marriage or shortly afterward. That is not something caused by the marriage or the spouse's behavior. It is something in the cheater him/herself. It is completely and totally theirs.

I think it's tempting to believe that if we had only acted a certain way, or not acted a certain way, that we could have prevented our H's from doing what they did. But I don't believe it's always true. It may make us feel safer, more in control, but I believe it's an illusion. And a potentially dangerous one.

I applaud your decision to improve yourself in whatever way you decide is right. I think it will make you a stronger person and stronger partner. But the changes in you won't prevent him from straying, only changes in him will. Just like the flaws in you didn't cause the LTA -- flaws in him did.



D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in quickly....


Lost - congratulations on the job!!!! Great news and I am glad it makes you feel better about yourself. It makes sense to me that the validation makes you understand that you are the good and talented person that you believed you are. Sometimes our Hs behavior makes us question this and it is good to have it reinforced from others. (Plus more money never hurts )

DMS - I have to agree with all the comments made so far including that you H wins the fucktard of the week award (I love that word - learned it on SI). First, you will not be able to R, really R, until he stops drinking. Any IC or MC will tell you that. You will not be Ring with him but a mask of him. Second, the OW is a psycho bitch to do that. So now you know what you are up against it is time to go truly NC. You can change all numbers and to stop further packages you can, for the interim, stop receiving mail at home and get a mail box. Anything that somes from her postal code throw immediately in the trash at the post office. Don't open it, don't read it. Third, you do realize that you H is still not telling the truth. To me this is the biggest issue of all. He must be 100% honest with you. Anything less is not acceptable.

Soggy - how are you doing?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DM,

Shirley's comment about him still not being honest is paramount to any chance you have for R.......that and his commitment to stop the drinking.

Alanon will certainly help YOU...but he has to do the work.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another topic for discussion? Had my IC today and we were trying to delve which parts of me were not fulfilled due to my tendency to "do it all". We were not talking about lack of sleep or manicures but emotional voids. I was trying to think of any besides the obvious (more love, more support, more respect) but then she mentioned something about vulnerability that struck a chord. I realized that for a very long time (probably since university) I have not really shown any vulnerability toward my H. Which, by definition, must mean that I was either 1) protecting myself from him or 2) I have a hard time allowing myself to be vulnerable (which sounds about right ).

So, any of you feel the same way? Or at least, did you feel that way and how did you overcome it? Any book on this since I am now lifetime gold and Barnes and Noble!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes, Shirl. I did FAR too much. The “leave it to P, she can do it”. The little woman can do it all. No worries. Family finance. Business finance. DIY. Computer skills. Holidays. Kids, dogs, parents, cars, insurance, washing, ironing, schooling, cooking, sympathetic ear for sons and GF probs, buying ANYTHING for the house, tradesmen, etc, etc, etc. All he had to do was “earn a living”. Oh, and find an old GF to shag in his spare time…….while I was prob listening to the maths tutor drone on with #2 son in the other room, or taking another for music lessons, or swimming, or whatever. I was running his life, the kids and (lastly) myself while he was f*cking around with HER.

Sorry folks. Can’t get off that angry perch. Got no desire to understand that f*ckwit and his A right now.

LostH. Thank goodness!! Waaaaay to go girl!! Show him what you CAN do. Yeah!!!!

Can't offer anything for anyone right now, I want to kick that sh*t-head into touch. Sorry, my head's too messed up.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stupid question?

What does showing vulnerability to H mean? That I opened up every part of me to him?

Then to be honest, I didnt.
To protect myself and because I find it hard to do.

BUT I was more vulnerable to him than anyone else in my life. I thought that when you married, we would be soulmates, we would always have each others back, we would grew together and create a safe haven for each other and for our children.

But my walls went up higher and higher with every one of his "misdemeanors", until I had a fortress right around me, which was knocked down on dday1 and then demolished on dday2.

So now I am totally open and vulnerable to him. Which is why he is so dangerous to me. Which is why my IC wants me to start building up some defences.

Makes sense?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No need to buy the book on this Shirley – I wrote the book (or I’m about to in this post! Ha!) This was one of the toughest areas for me to break through. Due to a very critical, abusive and cold hearted mother and alcoholism all around me, I learned early on not to allow myself to become vulnerable. Add a rape at age 13 to this and you’ve got one dysfunctional gal in this area. That was me. This manifested in me becoming a very controlling and over achieving adult (control is a coping mechanism for avoiding vulnerability I have learned). I controlled my H as best I could from day one and he reacted passive aggressively – we all know the outcome of this story. I controlled all my work and school environments by rising quickly into leadership. I controlled my feelings by intellectualizing them to the point where I could talk with the pros astutely but never really felt them. I controlled my friendships and acquaintances by managing their perceptions of me. I could not express or participate in anything intimate. I hid my fear of vulnerability by using quick wit and humor to charm others and give a false impression with a pseudo vulnerability using humor. I chose not to have children for many reasons but the primary reason being I knew I could not control my vulnerability when there was that amount of intensity of love. Oh, I could write a book about this!

I have to say that Dday blew the lid right off of all this because I realized on that day I had created a house of cards. I realized that day that no matter how hard I worked at being fully fortified from vulnerability it would never work. I couldn’t have my toe swishing around in the pool of love without jumping into the pool completely. It was a very decisive moment for me and I did not fully comprehend what was happening at the time. I just knew I was at a fork in the road and I could choose to become closed completely for the rest of my life or open completely. I am very thankful I chose the latter but it’s scary as hell sometimes. And then choosing to open completely with a man you just found out betrayed you for almost 6 years was another mind blower. But I think my deeper, wiser inner self took over at that point and connected to something greater and more powerful than myself which was guiding me. It’s the only way I can explain it. It took my mind and heart a looooong time to catch up to the instinctual decisions I was making at the time and I’m still working on it.

Anyhow, like you, I did it all too. I didn’t allow my H or really anyone around me to want for anything. I was Johnny on the spot with everything. On top of everything at all times. Nothing slipped through the cracks and I operated like a machine. I took away my H’s manhood doing this and I disempowered people all around me by doing this. Then I went as far as resenting my H for not standing up to this and taking even greater charge of things than I, the one who was so anal you couldn’t pound a pin up my ass with a jackhammer! So he went the opposite direction. Basically saying, “If you treat me like I’m a fuck up, I’ll become that”.

Now? Fwfff! Forget about it! There has been such a role reversal. H is always asking me things and following up since he knows I have most likely let it slip through the cracks. He is the one who is mostly, but healthily on the spot with everything. He always does it with a little smile and has a little pride behind it because he is getting to be a full partner in this R now. We joke about it and he cutely calls me “his little Twinkie (meaning I now have just cream filling between the ears). Before I think he would have called me his little bulldozer if I wouldn't have slapped his balls in a vice for saying it. It really cracks me up because it is SO opposite of how I used to be. At first I thought it was depression, but now I know it’s who I am without trying to control everything and avoid vulnerability at all costs. I get to fuck up now and not have all the answers. I can watch other people work through their own struggles without jumping in to save the day. I can consciously say to myself, “I’m going to fuck off now and I really don’t care what anyone things about it” and stay in my PJs and watch TV for a week and not respond to emails or voicemails. I feel sooooo liberated from an oppression I created for myself. OK, I’m going to shut up now because I could go on for 100 pages on this! Oh, and one more thing - I can say “fuck” now on a public board when no one else does and be the resident potty mouth without worrying what everyone will think!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whew, busy busy day for me.

FSA, something you wrote has been bothering me. You wrote that you pushed him into her arms. I don't believe that, especially not in your case. You've said your H cheated on you while you were engaged, didn't you? Were you resentful of him them? Do you believe you pushed him into that?
Stomping my foot, saying "I thought I had made a breakthrough". Just kidding. I dunno. I still feel like as far as H and his LTA. I helped keep him away. His personality flaws might have made it easy for him to stray, but I still think that my personality flaws helped to keep him away. Make any sense? Kind of like, on his own maybe a ONS, which is still WRONG but we all know as BS of LTA we can only long for it being a ONS. I think b/c we grew so distant, I helped him to feel alright about going back over and over again. LET ME CLARIFY, I DO NOT BLAME MYSELF AT ALL FOR HIS LTA. THAT WAS HIS SCREW UP, NOT MINE. But once again, I do have to take responsibility for my mistakes, albet there were very few. I know what a mean person I can be, b/c I grew up with a mother just like me.

Gotta go. At work

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasn't trying to rain on your parade, FSA. Sorry if it came off that way. I just know that I accepted responsibility for every f'ing thing that ever went wrong in our marriage and I am always on the lookout for that in myself now. I guess I feel protective of my LTA tribe sisters, so I look out for you, too.

I'll keep my co-dependence to myself from now on.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Feeling so alone
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Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I feel protective of my LTA tribe sisters, so I look out for you, too.
And please continue to.

H working late this evening. So I might get to play on SI tonight. Check back in later.


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
zanny
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Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think b/c we grew so distant, I helped him to feel alright about going back over and over again. LET ME CLARIFY, I DO NOT BLAME MYSELF AT ALL FOR HIS LTA. THAT WAS HIS SCREW UP, NOT MINE.

I know what you are saying FSA. I think I know where you are with this too, having walked it as well. There is a point where you realize that maybe the situation was untenable and you didn't do what you could have to make it different. It's kind of like you left a garden choked with weeds and you didn't clear it in time. It's hard because you have to dwell in some of that responsibility in order to gain some growth. I know, always knew, that the A was of his making too, but I needed to see my piece too. Seeing that is painful, but it also promotes some self understanding and some compassion for the H and your marriage which is what I think you are striving toward. You don't want to dump this completely on his lap because the lack of ownership doesn't feel accurate to you. I think there does come a point where you come back around to "Yeah, but he DID this". Not just the next day, but after SOME time. Spending some time dealing with the personal failure is not just for him, but for you, at least that's what I found.

Hmmm Shirley, I can't cut and paste right now, but yeah, exactly. I didn't always feel strong, but that's the face I showed. My H has a very strong personality and I felt like I had to stand my ground before the A. I was scared to show a different side. Not because of him, but that would mean that I couldn't handle something. I prided myself on handling it all and that meant some really significant challenges within our family. I would show upsetment, but I didn't show neediness. I didn't convey to him that I needed him to soothe and comfort me. Now, oh yes. I fall apart and he has to move into that vulnerability. It is really quite nice for both of us. He is more than capable to soothe and I am more than able to let loose with my distress. I am upset with myself for all those years that I denied myself that emotional release.

DM, OW are a different breed. They lack a conscience. They want what they want and they really don't care how they obtain it. She knew about your H's marriage. She can delude herself with excuses, but that's just so she doesn't have to take responsiblity for what a wretched person she is underneath. The timing of the Christmas package is just that. It takes a special type of meanness to do that.


BS-Me
WS-Him
D-day #1 LTA
False Reconciliation then
D-day #2
In reconciliation


"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."


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