Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: northeasternarea (43214)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know the times where I wanted to beat the crap out of him most were when I would sleeplessly lie in bed for hours or aimlessly walk the house at night while he slept apparently worry-free.

That really pissed me off to no end.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know the times where I wanted to beat the crap out of him most were when I would sleeplessly lie in bed for hours or aimlessly walk the house at night while he slept apparently worry-free.

Oh yeah.....those nights were hell....


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It embarrasses me to admit this, but I think it goes back to some really arrogant assumptions I made about my husband, assumptions that helped him do the things he did and hide them for so long.
I really believed that my husband would not dare do to me the kind of things he did.

I don't think of it as arrogance either. Trust, confidence, a belief that after so many years together, I did know him. Finding out I never did, though was quite a blow... HE always expoused on never believing in divorce. We used to "kid" all the time about how we'd do the other in before we'd break up our M. Then we'd laugh about who would get "stuck" with the kids.

So I do see it as manipulation. He was that good.

And about those nights... I had one last night. Vivid dream about setting up a new wedding for us... in Las Vegas. Doing all the preps, etc. Basically all he had to do was show up. At the end of the dream, he was still in bed, watching tv, 40 minutes before our flight. And I woke up with the realization that he didn't want to do the ceremony, thought it was stupid and unnecessary, so he was doing his damndest to fix it so I couldn't get what I wanted via P/A. Just like always, pretend to go along and then throw a wrench in it at the last moment. Nothing OVERT of course

[This message edited by weepy at 7:16 AM, January 4th (Friday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when I would sleeplessly lie in bed for hours or aimlessly walk the house at night while he slept apparently worry-free.

And I still do... along with really strange dreams/nightmares when I do sleep.
We had a great Christmas and New Year's... the best holiday season in several years. H has been thoughtful and caring, doing all the right things. Nobody looking on would guess that we are not the perfect married couple. But the last couple of days I've had a major meltdown - triggering badly at every turn, a teary mess. While so many here are having 'light bulb moments', I am living up to my SI name "LostSuol".

Congrats LostH on the new job. BT also - hope you can work something out with the employer so you can have the job and a home life.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
kelsey913
♀ Member
Member # 17605
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all:

I've been lurking for several months, reading this thread has helped me in so many ways. Just knowing there are others out there who feel the way that I do validates these crappy emotions.

I don't know if I would have made it this far without SI, so I thought it was time to start participating in conversation. I hate the fact that we are all here but on the flip side I'm so grateful for it. I've posted my story in my profile, although I doubt it, I hope it's coherent. Stringing 2 sentences together that make sense has been a task since DD!


Me - BS
Him - WH
5 Yr LTA
D-Day 8/5/07
Married 28 Years
R

Posts: 90 | Registered: Jan 2008
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What really pisses me off is that while he was having the A, he couldn’t sleep. He’d get up at 5am (text, phone, whisper) rather than wake me. He’d have such bad dreams about drowning or being caught in a forest fire or being unable to move/breathe. All obvious now. Sometimes he’s reach out to me, but his touch was like a cattle prod and I’d shoot across the bed, preferring to sleep on the piping round the edge of the mattress. Y’know that Careless Whisper by George Michael (Wham, I think) and guilty feet got no rhythm? Well, he had guilty hands that had no touch. KWIM? And now I am awake from 3am, tossing and turning, resenting him and wondering which side of the bed he lay with her (another “can’t remember” or “it doesn’t matter” from him). I can’t bear to think of him with her and then I wonder what on earth I am doing having sex with him when it’s what she offered and he wanted.

And talking of songs, the two that really get me are “Fallen” by Sarah MacLachlan and “Leave Right Now”, Will Young. Just making excuses for him, I think. When, actually, what he did was inexcusable.

And I trusted him completely. I did not believe he was capable of doing what he did, if only b/c we had seen some good friends go through the gates of divorce. One friend turning up on the doorstep, distraught b/c her WH had got absolutely wrecked after he was found out. All the phone calls when WE were offering a sympathetic ear and support. He witnessed the sh*itty way those breaking up behave. And he was doing the same?? Knowing what the probable outcome was?? One couple tried for three years before finally splitting. Then there was his oldest friend and his choice to have an A; the devastating effect it had on his W. At least he was open about it. So when I angrily texted this friend of his, accusing him of being in the know, he was gobsmacked. As was his best friend. As was my bf. As were his parents. As was my oldest friend. Speechless, the lot of them. And he still can’t explain it. And I still wish he had shown some sense of decency and left instead of cake eating. F*cking weak, shallow, selfish POS. No lightbulb moments here, just a dark and empty well.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, Kelsey--just wanted to acknowledge your post, but have to get to work now. Hang in there.

Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Kelsey. I’m so sorry. Me and my rants. I’ve just been really bad lately. And there’s you needing support, not being exposed to my venting and anger and pain. Take no notice of me right now. I was better before this week, believe it or not!!

So, welcome to this united band of the LTA tribe. We’re there for each other when one of us falls.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll add my welcome, too, Kelsey.

How doubly awful to have your son in that position.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Kelsey. You are about 4 months past dday? How are you doing?

(((LostS)))
One day at a time. When we are in the midst of a meltdown, eveything seems so hopeless, and we feel so lost and alone. You will get through this storm LostS. I know it doesnt seem like it now, but you will. What triggered you off, do you know? Your 1 year antiversary is coming up..does that have something to do with it?

BT...those nights!
I still get them now and then, but now I just pop a sleeping pill. How can they sleep so soundly? sometimes they really seem psychotic.

Ukgirl, stop listening to those songs. Fill your ipod or whatever with upbeat cheerful songs, or headcrunchers. and yes GM was from Wham. Dont you dare say anything negative about him mind..or else mum and I would have to snub you!

I know the anger you are feeling well. When you want to slowly and deliberately smash every little bone on their body, when just their voice wants to make you want to tear out their tongue into shreds.
Feel the anger Uk, but dont let it hurt you.

I am feeling very emotional, one minute I am flying, the next minute I am ready to start sobbing.

13 years ago this week,H and I got engaged, and were married 6 months later.
I had been working for a year, the first time away from home, and I was loving it. I was 22, doing really well at my job, made a whole new life for myself in a different city. I had my whole life ahead of me. I love my children, but how I wish I hadnt married H. I wish I hadnt been so darn arrogant and sure of myself and him.
Whos to know that I wouldnt have married someone worse, but then again, whos to know that I wouldnt have married someone better? Sigh.

Hey FSA!!!
I liked your little ditty yesterday.
I know you are trying to figure out your role in this crap...just dont knock yourself down too much, ok?



Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Kelsey!


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
kelsey913
♀ Member
Member # 17605
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the welcomes! Tomorrow will be five months since Dday and honestly I am in such a better place today than even two weeks ago. Just feeling stronger, able to cope better. I must admit that I still have the same issues that I had in the beginning, but they don't incapacitate me any longer. Wrapping my head around a LTA is just not going to happen, I think I'm beginning to learn to just accept that it occurred and work from there(huge step).

It seems funny to me that he had the affair and his moral compass was skewed and I'm the one who feels like a totally different person. I just don't feel like me and I'm wanting desperately to find me again. How the heck do you do it?

UKGirl, rant away, it seems to me that we chip away a little bit of anger each time that we do. I mumble to myself all day long, something I never did before all of this. Just hearing myself talk makes me feel better. You should hear what I have to say to the ow! But that's a whole other story.

Thanks, all, for making me feel so welcome. I'm glad that I took the plunge and started posting.


Me - BS
Him - WH
5 Yr LTA
D-Day 8/5/07
Married 28 Years
R

Posts: 90 | Registered: Jan 2008
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Kelsey. If you’ve been lurking you know you’re in good company here. I’m glad you decided to post and join us!

In fact, Ward was probably banging his secretary at the office.
Hope you’re happy Run. This one involved Earl Grey tea out the nose!

I still think part of him misses her and all that anticipation, intensity and romance they had.

UK, my H has recently been able to openly discuss this with me and he keeps repeating that while he missed it in the beginning, it was like missing heroine. It’s the missing of an addictive drug. One of the things we’ve established in our R is open and raw honesty, even if it’s hard for the other to hear. And the other is not to make the one sharing wrong or guilty. So with that said I have laid a little background to my next statement. He has also said the sex was different and better in that it was taboo and forbidden and there were no strings attached. He could dump in her and leave without ever emotionally engaging with her. I’m not going to go so far as to say ALL men, but I think most men look at the emotional connection as a liability in sex. According to my H it’s very desirable to just have a receptacle any time you want it so you can get that “relief” as he called it. So I reframed it saying she was basically a human toilet he relieved himself into. He agreed. He said the sex had an element of excitement and also didn’t involve connection. The perfect world. You’ve all heard the old joke about the perfect woman in men’s eyes haven’t you? Three feet tall, no teeth, mute with a flat head to rest your beer as she……… Anyhow, I’m sharing all this because I hope you can gain some insight that the sex shared with the OW isn’t what sex is in our definition with emotional connection and history, etc. for many WH’s. Yes, there is pseudo friendship and a pseudo caring that goes on – and I say it’s pseudo because it isn’t based on anything concrete or any real obligation or connection. It’s really just the bargaining chip to keep the sex coming. And it was exactly that pseudo caring that kept my H hooked because he didn’t really have to care deep down and he could just keep that raw sex coming. He still maintains that he never missed her, just the drug of this disconnected sex.

(((((LostS)))))) Hang in there. These are the down dips and as we all know all to well, they do pass. Unfortunately there’s no way to ever know when those triggers are going to hit. Take good care of yourself.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kelsey,
A warm welcome to you.....so sorry that life has brought you here.

Also so sorry for your son's involvement.....we have that in common, sad to say.

It is so painful to find out your children were used and made to keep silent.

It puts you in a terrible place of knowing just how betrayed you were.

Hang in there....we all understand how deep and excruciating all of this LTA nightmare is.

Hugs


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTC,

My H said the same thing about the sex. He said the OW's great advantage was that "she thought about sex like a man." IOW, that it was sex without emotional involvement.

That was the front that she put on for him -- the female sex machine. And she was a cold, passive-aggressive bitch herself, so I can see her pulling that off for a while. But eventually, even she wanted a real life. And when she made that clear is when it ended.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
IMstrong
♀ Member
Member # 10637
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Runover, what I meant by the wife IS the mistress....the mistress doesn't have all the "chores" that a wife has. So she has time that the wife doesn't have to prep and primp for another woman's husband. The wife WAS as sexy as the mistress before she took on all the work of being a wife. Am I explaining that right? It's just what struck me when i saw that movie. The wife had no time to take care of herself in the obsessive, self-indulgent way that a mistress has the time to. I remember telling my H that sometimes during the day I would feel such a hunger for him that I couldn't wait to see him, but by the time we fell into bed I was exhausted from all the work that day that I wanted nothing more than sleep. I would have been just like his mistress if I hadn't had anything else in my life. What made me angry was that most of the things I was working on were his. His laundry, his messes, his (okay, and my) kids, his meals. He didn't lift a finger to help me, all but ignored me every evening after work, but when he reached for me (usually when I was already asleep) he expected me to be enthusiastic and sex-starved.

If he left me for the mistress, she would eventually become the wife, and he'd find another mistress, and so on and so on....


Me BS
He FWS
LTA
DDay 2/20/2006
Reconciled

Posts: 76 | Registered: May 2006
IMstrong
♀ Member
Member # 10637
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA, the way my H and I explain it to ourselves is this: We were traveling down a road. There were signs on this road, warning signs that if we had read them would have told us that we were heading towards trouble, and eventually an affair. Only these signs were written in a language that we couldn't understand. We only learned to read the signs after experiencing the DDay and MC and reconciliation. I did everything I could to help our marriage, not knowing that I was actually driving us further down that road. He did what he thought would save the marriage in his own way, not knowing that it would only hurt. Now that have learned this language, we believe we will now be able to read these signs and turn off that road that leads to an affair.
No matter what you were like, leaving your marriage and going to someone else is never right and is never going to make your marriage better. That is 100% your H's fault. There are so many other things he could have done if you were such a meanie.


Me BS
He FWS
LTA
DDay 2/20/2006
Reconciled

Posts: 76 | Registered: May 2006
zanny
♀ Member
Member # 13183
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You’ve all heard the old joke about the perfect woman in men’s eyes haven’t you? Three feet tall, no teeth, mute with a flat head to rest your beer as she………

No, OTC, I guess I didn't hear it!!

And about those nights... I had one last night.

Sorry Weepy and Lost Suol. Those nights are coming to me now too and the dreams. It's so unsettling and it just sets you back.


No lightbulb moments here, just a dark and empty well.

So sorry UK. I know those times well. I also have the worst emotional PMS now. I had a twinge of it before, now, it's a deep plunge. That plunge will be coming this Sunday Fair warning all!

In fact, Ward was probably banging his secretary at the office.

Yeah, , my "Ward" was doing exactly that. There is a great deal of truth in what you say Run. Even if all had been perfect, there was a great deal of temptation set up in this A that would take an absolutely scrupulous man and marriage to ignore. Yes, I did think I had such a man before the A.

It seems funny to me that he had the affair and his moral compass was skewed and I'm the one who feels like a totally different person. I just don't feel like me and I'm wanting desperately to find me again. How the heck do you do it?

Welcome Kelsey. I read your profile. You are definitely member material. You'll find good company here. Thanks for joining YOur question is the million $$ question and we're all working on it. Many of us find pieces of the answers, and some of us find it and lose those answers too

That was the front that she put on for him -- the female sex machine. And she was a cold, passive-aggressive bitch herself

That's the same thing. H thinks she just want to have sex cuz you know, she was single. Riiiiight, the reality was she was hardly a sex machine. She behaved more like Greta Garbo in the movie Sunset. YOu know drawn curtains, hangups about her aging face and body (she was only in her 40's), laying there like a bag of rocks. Whatever, sometimes the sheer neurosis of the two gets to me.


BS-Me
WS-Him
D-day #1 LTA
False Reconciliation then
D-day #2
In reconciliation


"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."


Posts: 573 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: The Middle of Somewhere
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Kelsey.

I know you will find support and understanding here for everything you are going through.

I understand how you feel about the moral compass. There are days when I feel like I am the sad, depressed one that has to work so hard to crawl out of bed. And he jumps up and goes about his day like normal.

I know this is not true, but some days I feel like he got off too easy! Maybe that is just the anger still trying to get out.


I don't have alot of insights, mostly lurk. I know that I will never understand how he could do this and also try to just accept that it did and move forward. Some days that is easier than others.



M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he keeps repeating that while he missed it in the beginning, it was like missing heroine.

OTC. Was that a deliberate mis-spell, or a Freudian slip?! I think FWH was a hero rescuing his heroine, but yes, like heroin, she was an addiction. And your H saying no strings attached, here’s a little quote from his vast poisonous poetry:

"The melting into intimacy, an unconditional offering,
No strings attached, pure and undemanding, glowing,
And if there was once a mistake all is now forgiven,
Time to devour, for making up is so hard to do."

However, there is an irony in no strings attached; he was bound by her ties, not free. And, unfortunately, the emotional was just as important as the sex and that went for both of them.

IMstrong. Exactly. But that doesn’t stop me wanting what they had. And the only way that can come about is if he moves out and we start over from the beginning. And the metaphor I use about his A is that our marriage was a strong oak tree that he thought was in the way/diseased/dying/whatever, so he took a chainsaw and took it down. There was nothing wrong with it after all, and now he’s trying to wood-glue it back together. I’m telling him he can’t do that, but he seems to think he can.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.