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User Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy. i had a book on interpreting dreams. H "lent" it to a friend. However, try this site:
http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have this overwhelming need to go knock on the ow's door. I really feel like I have unfinished business with her. I have things to say to her.

Kelsey,

Unfortunately, I have limited time this morning, so I will make this short.

I echo the advice to NOT confront the OW. I understand COMPLETELY your need to go eye to eye. I could have knocked on her door any time I wanted these last 2 years...and had to fight that urge many, many times.
Why didn't I?.....because she doesn't deserve any air-space in real time from me. She helped herself to enough of my life. The buffet is closed.
And...I don't willingly spend time with lowlifes.

Plus...realistically, what would it accomplish? They lie, they have no morals, no scruples......they justify everything they have done.
Bottom line...she isn't worth the time or energy....she is now a stinking piece of trash in a landfill.
Leave her there....

Lost and Ukgirl,

I would love to meet up in the UK. London is a special place to me.
Hugs

[This message edited by numb and scared at 8:08 AM, January 5th (Saturday)]


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning Ladies

Kelsey as much as we would all like to go face to face with ow, it's probably a mistake. If we could for see the future and know the outcome, maybe. But you just don't know what you may be putting yourself and your family through. But just like you I have to fight that urge. I did at Dday knock on her door, but she didn't open it for some odd reason.

As much as I would love to meet in London, I don't know that I could pull that one off. Chicago, yep I could do that one. New Orleans, yep I could do that one. I've been to NO once several years ago. As I remember it's just a straight shot down I10, I think even little ole me can drive a straight line.

I'm hanging my head low this morning. My 6yoa DS got a game of checkers for Christmas. He had never played. Last weekend I sat down and showed him how to play. The little bugger beat me last night, and I did not give it to him. My 6 year old beat my butt at checkers. But he kind of amazes me at his ability to think ahead before he makes a move. And he refuses to move any of his checkers off the back row, that's how he got me last night.

Well I guess I'm going to decide if today will be a lay around lounge day or if I may actually shower and do something today.

Hope ya'll have a good one.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, you dream on face value, seems quite clear. It appears that you are the only one who wants this wedding. You are the one running around in a tizz, whilst H just lies back, doing nothing, or rather, doing what makes him comfortable. Sounds quite familiar to real life, huh?

kelsey, how about writing a letter to OW. Thats non confrontational, yet you get to say your piece. Does she live nearby to you? Is there anyway this could go wrong?

NAS, you have to let us know the next time you are here!

I jokingly said to H that I wish I could come over to the Tribe meet, and he seriously said that if I saved up, I could.
Now will that be before or after we buy the house, new car and my black boots??

Have a good weekend everyone.
Hope to take the kids into the city tonight to check out the Xmas lights before they come down, and maybe have dinner there too. H said it would be to celebrate me getting a job.
I'm secretly pleased he even thought of that w/o prompting from me.Its the little things you know....


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course, I realize a meeting in the UK would be impossible to pull off for all. We're lucky to have friends there so it would be do-able.

I'll go wherever it needs to be.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sat on the bed this morning and got out my true to myself ring. He knows he hasnít been ďwithĒ me the last few days or so. I sat there and said that I needed to buy something symbolic for me. I needed to say I was worth something, that I could love, respect and trust myself. This was a true to myself ring b/c he could not be true. I took the ring from him and put it on. I told him he made a choice. I had no say in the matter. He went ahead and did it b/c he wanted to and b/c he could. She gave him the opportunity and he took it. He made me feel utterly worthless. I was his support and she was his escape. He was having his cake and eating it and it could have carried on, if only he gave in to seeing and shagging her on a regular basis. I told him he should have left when he realised he loved her. I cannot believe him when he says there were a couple of years when he only saw her three or four times. I counted 42 or something in the January to July 06. He says he had to see her more often Ė to keep her away. WTF?

He said he didnít love her. What he felt for her was incomplete. She complained that I was always with him, there in the background; she could never have him to herself. He says that my love is warm, nourishing, giving and natural. Hers was greedy and she just took and never gave.

He doesnít know what he can give to me to show me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He knows the jewellery is tarnished and I wonít wear any of it, but he wants to make a gesture. I donít want it b/c I know itís what she wanted.

Why did he ask her to marry him when he says he always felt married to me? Somehow his answer of it wasnít real doesnít wash. I donít feel married to him and I wonít make that promise or commitment. I wonít lie. He canít promise me anything.

I should feel so good, I did this for me, yet I feel so low. Gone from angry to hollow.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 10:56 AM, January 5th (Saturday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


BTW. There is a Brit gathering thread on F&G. Feb in London.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why did he ask her to marry him when he says he always felt married to me? Somehow his answer of it wasnít real doesnít wash

((Ukgirl))

Mine repeatedly told her he was leaving....year after year....that "they" were going to ride off into the sunset.

Did he?...was he ever going to?....of course not.

This is the one of those standard classic lines from the cheaters handbook of cliches'.....

Your H's answer about this will always be unacceptable to you...because it was all smoke and mirrors.
Phony to her, to him and phony to you.

All just the predictable bullshit affair-speak that affairs require to exist.

The hardest part for all of us is knowing that the man you loved and respected took himself down that low....and became such a skilled liar to everyone.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DAMN!

I missed the OW vents! I miss all the good stuff.

I know this is childish, but I hope she has had the most miserable fucking life possible.

You're not alone, BT. I have never had so much hate for something in my life. But I don't want to feel anything for her. She's nothing.

On that note, Kelsey...we've all been there. But as I said above: "She's NOTHING." Truly. Giving her any of your real life attention will give her validation. She would bathe in it. They are nothing but low life leeches sucking the life from good people because they don't have anyone who wants to make them a part of their own real life--in the light of day. They're bottom feeders who don't deserve anything from any of us. They stayed long enough in our lives already. Good riddens whores.

weepy--your dream needs no interpretation here. Speaks very clearly to me. And the part about taking off your dress in front of a bathroom of people reads exposure and embarrassment to me.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, Tribe,

Happy new year to all. Wish I could keep up with your posts - am trying to print them and read in my spare time but, lol, I don't have much of that.

I do want to extend Congrats to Lost Heart. Good for you.
And welcome to the Newbies. So sorry you are here, but glad you found our Tribe - there are many wise and wonderful people here.

I am feeling a bit better. Thanks to all for the hugs and support. H and I sat down and planned alot of the first quarter of this year. May sound a bit crazy, but I think it will help me deal with all of the last minute b@#lsh%t the HO likes to dish out.

We made a pact that we would focus more on our R and M this year and put it in writing to each other. This is something that several of you had asked me about, wondering if b/c of the court battle and the psycho HO - aka HO B@#ch - H and I were not able to concentrate on our M. We discussed it and decided to be proactive. Thank you for pointing it out. We grow stronger as the HB gets crazier. And that, I think, is the best revenge.

I struggle mightily with the long term aspect of the A, especially given the craziness of the HB. And I find your conversations around it quite thought provoking.

Kelsey - I can't remember exactly what you said - but in my circumstance I have had to face the HB several times now. It really isn't all that great. Although, the second to last time I saw that thing, I did gain some satisfaction from staring her down. But after --- I puked, I showered and I still couldn't shake that thing's skank off of me.

As someone once told me -- the best revenge is to live your best life.

Hope I wasn't off base there.

Anyway - gotta run - kids, you know. I think of you guys every day - you are always in my prayers. Hopefully, I will be able to come in on the weekends a bit more now that the holidays are over.

Blessings,
SVS

PS .. ROBT, pm for you.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
kelsey913
♀ Member
Member # 17605
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for the good advice, I know that you're all right about this, that's why each and every day I put it off 'til tomorrow. My H never told her that I knew about the A, he just said that he was ending it to work on his marriage, so she would be pretty surprised to hear from me. You guys really put it into perspective and I appreciate the advice. I will keep on working on this issue I guess until it doesn't matter anymore.

UKGirl, I know how hard not only their actions were during the a but their words. My H threw me under a bus but good, trashed me. It bothered me, still does on occassion, but then I thought, what is he going to say, she's a great wife and mother and would you f*ck me please. I think most of what they say is just affair mumbo jumbo, fog talk. Having said that, it still hurts like crazy. Feel better.


Me - BS
Him - WH
5 Yr LTA
D-Day 8/5/07
Married 28 Years
R

Posts: 90 | Registered: Jan 2008
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, in the last few day I:
1) had my 5 month "anniversary"
2) Had a major trigger reading a "light" book which means that I can't read, listen to music, watch movies or watch TV WTF am I supposed to do in my free time!!!
3) Have PMS - can ya tell
4) Got sick.

Life is grand, n'est pas?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Evening Ladies

Hurtshirley don't feel alone. I've been PMSing big time, if you don't believe me just ask my H.

Well I spent a lazy day around the house. Did not dress until I absolutely had to. Now DS and I are making cookies and I intend to eat all that I can stand. H cooked today. I had one of my "I don't want to do anything days". With the shape my house is in maybe I should invite all of the Tribe over to my house and we could all pitch in and get it cleaned up. Then we could have our tribal meeting after we finish. What do you say?????
H and I have been house hunting so now I really don't feel like cleaning this old thing. I figure when we move to the new house...voila I'll have a clean house.

Better check my cookies.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, lots going on here. Boy do I appreciate all the ow rants. I have considered confronting her as well. She apparenlty made it clear to wh that she never wanted to confront me or talk to me-- guess during one of their 'what will we do if she finds out' conversations. So the thought of doingit b/c she doesn't want to is very appealing. But Icannot imagine any scenerio where I woud feel better. So I don't do it.

I am struggling with teh love aspect of a LTA. I mean, to spend all that time with someone. Whn I first askled if he loved her he said no. Since I hared on it, can now hear my words coming out of his mouth. "Some part of me must have felt soem kind of love if I put that much effort in to it".

He is very proud that heapparently never said I love you to her. I don't nwo if I believe him or not. He has stuck strong to it though. Says he alwasy said he couldn't say that when she said it. But says he did tell her he woudl leave when she was pushing a lot, just woudl alwasy say he didn't know when.

But after talking to MC and on here, I realize I cannot dwell on it. The reality is that he is with me, has not wavered once in that path since ddy. Says he loves me. Whatever those feelings were, and MC says he probably doesn't even know-he has chosen for it to be over. That is what I need to focus on.

It woudl be so much easier if he just fucked somebody. But to hang out adn spend 4 1/2 years is just a whel different thing. I hate this.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
IMstrong
♀ Member
Member # 10637
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks mum and cowgirl. Cowgirl, because of you I posted my syory on my profile. And , as an alternative to contacting OW, a desire I have had off and on, I posted a few things I'd like her to know in my profile. So...if she is here, if she somehow recognizes my situation as hers, and if she checks my profile, she will see some things she doesn't want to know.


Me BS
He FWS
LTA
DDay 2/20/2006
Reconciled

Posts: 76 | Registered: May 2006
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It woudl be so much easier if he just fucked somebody. But to hang out adn spend 4 1/2 years is just a whel different thing. I hate this.
Yea Sweetie, we all hate it.

The LTA does make a difference, but it's one we have to learn to live with. And it would have been easier had he just f*cked somebody. Years ago my H confessed to a ONS and I got over it soooooo easy. As it turned it that ONS lasted about 10 years, I can't let that one go so easy. So yes it does make a difference. But just hang in there.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
IMstrong
♀ Member
Member # 10637
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Lost, your dday was so recent. Give yourself some time to process it all, a LTA is so devastating. It helped me to read about the Fog in the healing library. My H told OW he loved her, and even thought he did for a while. Learning about the Fog really helped me to deal with that aspect of it. Also the book Surviving Infidelity. (I think, it has a pic of a Motel sign on it) My H and I read it together, and it helped him to see himself more clearly too.I can bet you it wasn't love. Infatuation, excitement, escape, a million other things, but not love.


Me BS
He FWS
LTA
DDay 2/20/2006
Reconciled

Posts: 76 | Registered: May 2006
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:58 AM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.

(((FSA))) (((Shirley)))

I know what those pms's can be like. You become so chockfull with emotions (and not the light happy ones either!). A little while OTC posted some alternative therapies to help. For me, I just go on a choc and crisps binge..not very healthy I know.

Had a nice time last night, but there was a thread of deep sadness running through. I kept thinking that if he hadnt had the LTAs', this would have been so wonderful. Its sometimes hard to recognise the jerk from before. He was NEVER this nice. NEVER.
I would be the one with the bright smile trying to keep everyone happy and laughing, never relaxing once, trying desp to read his mind, because he looked either bored or distracted or lost in his thoughts when he was with us. I would cover up when the kids asked him a question for the 5th time, and he still looked blank. Till now, they still believe he has a hearing impairment.

Last night showed me how much has changed in our family since dday.
Looks like its only me thats hanging on to the past.

I am acutely aware that the Mr Hyde part of him is still there.and that at any time, he can come out.So how do you guys live with that aspect? How do you allow yourselves to feel safe, when you are not really? How do you love him knowing this?

Svs, making a plan together sounds great! I LOVE plans! And back up plans. I think making your relationship a priority is a wonderful goal for 2008. Have you put in proper details, like date nights, or are going to go with the flow? I had to ask.
Enjoy the HB. Its much better than a sleeping pill anytime.Afterwards I meant!

Hey Ukgirl. That hollowness often follows the anger. Just ride it out. Allow yourself to feel the grief. Tell your H its not going to take one act to get back and stay in. Its going to take a lifetime of consistent positive acts, starting with making himself whole and helping you heal.

SoLost, yeah this LTA crap sucks!Every single f*cking thing about it. You know it wasnt love, even if he did tell her he loved her every day. They say whatever it takes to get what they want from each other. They know they really dont have to mean it. F**kers!

FSA, good for you for having a slow easy day. So your son beat you hey?? Need to up your game, girl!!
I hate housecleaning! I allow myself to get away with now.

Shirley, read only crime thrillers. Seriously.I stay far away from movies or books that trigger. Some sneak through, and I immediately shut them. Reading is one of my few pleasures, and I will not lose it again.

((((Tribewhoarestruggling))))

It DOES and WILL get better.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
secondwife
♀ New Member
Member # 17566
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is so wrapped in himself that he says it has NOTHING to do with me.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2008
secondwife
♀ New Member
Member # 17566
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my WH is so wrapped in himself that he says his A has nothing to do with me.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2008
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