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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I come here this morning and the first thing I see is a new "name" and think "damn, not another one."

welcome, secondwife. I went back and read your posts and want you to know we all have those moments of "why did he do this if he loved me". Basically it shakes out to he didn't love himself, respect himself. It had nothing to do with any inadequacy in you or that he just "needed sex with more than one woman" like the priest told him and gave him absolution for. We can't discuss religion here but I could say a few choice things about that priest and the Catholic religion in general if allowed. Dont' blame you for not going back to church, that one, but maybe you can find peace in another where no one knows you but God.

I am acutely aware that the Mr Hyde part of him is still there.and that at any time, he can come out.So how do you guys live with that aspect? How do you allow yourselves to feel safe, when you are not really? How do you love him knowing this?

I consider this the loss of faith. It's more than not trusting who he is, it's not believing in him at all any more.

H and I got into it yesterday and even though the kids were around, I let loose. He finally opened his Christmas present and it was missing a part (an antenna) and that started the litany of grievances... just negative stuff about how you can't trust anything made today, or people who pack things and "look at the case, it's all scratched". So I listeneed and sympathized for a while. Then he played an album on it and it was one we used to listen to all the time when we made love in our early days. My heart started to ache, so I left and did some laundry. When I came upstairs I guess I was still showing my "upset". He asked what was wrong and I got out only part of my sentence "I know the problems with this are not my fault....." and he lashed out... yelled at me "no one's blaming you! You have no idea how much that annoys me when you do that. Now it's going to come out at MC what an inconsiderate, unappreciative husband I am."

So the second half of my sentence was going to be "but, I feel bad that you can't play with your toy." That's it. Wasn't going anywhere near blaming him for anything. So we got into a screaming match about assumptions and his ability to "see the future" the way HE wants to and how he gets himself all angry to prepare for a fight that isn't THERE.

After the screaming, I sat on the couch and took his hand and looked in his eyes. and repeated what I was going to say. I asked him why he go so scared when I was upset or angry and I said "I'm not going anywhere." And he started to quietly blubber and cry even though he said "that isn't the issue." Appears that IS the issue gang. And this time we yelled long enough (without either of us walking out and giving up) to find that out. He sees me upset or angry and thinks it's always about him, about what he did and he starts to worry that I've hit my "limit" and given up.

Last night we went out to dinner with friends and he held my hand under the table and kissed me (IN PUBLIC), praised me. He even drank 3 glasses of wine, risked losing control.

This morning I initiated with him.. the first time in MONTHs. And sent him off to work. But not before he asked me to move our next MC appt so he could see his IC instead.

Baby steps gang.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But not before he asked me to move our next MC appt so he could see his IC instead.
Hooray for Mr Weepy!!!!

Ya'll please send me good vibes this morning. Today is my first day at teaching Children's Church. Totally out of character for me. Even though they are children, I'm still nervous. I've got my lesson plan ready, so with ya'll rooting me on, maybe I'll get through this.
I have to say that it probably seems odd that I would be teaching Children's Church with some of the language that I use when I come on here. But this is the place that I can let it all out. Just don't pay any attention to me when I boo boo like that.

Lost, glad that you got to see your new and improved H last night. And start chocking that money away, he did say that you could come to a meeting if you saved up for it, so save save save.

Welcome secondwife, come again.

Later
FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
secondwife
♀ New Member
Member # 17566
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks weepy! It is just soooo hard sometimes. He goes on with his life and I am left to pick up the pieces. All I do is go to work, come home, lock myself in the bedroom and cry. EVERY DAY!!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2008
kelsey913
♀ Member
Member # 17605
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning All:

As I am reading through the posts, I'm amazed the commonality of our emotions. I could write your posts, some word for word. I'm so glad that I'm here and have all of you to lean on.

My H thought the skank was his soulmate, those words cut me like a knife. But he couldn't let me go, he was living with her and could have easily began his life with her but didn't. It makes me believe that somewhere in the back of their minds, they know it's bullsh*t. In the very beginning, I offered to give him the divorce, when he was soooo in love, why didn't he take me up on it? I can honestly say that if I knew about the A for sure, I was at a place where I could have walked away and I think he knew it. Even through his fog, losing me wasn't an option.

I blame myself for not digging deeper then, part of me knew. But I believed him, so much of his lies were plausible. I used to tell him that I thought he was lying to me with the truth and as it turns out, I was right. Why didn't I listen to my inner voice? I ask myself that question all the time and can't come up with a good answer.

IM, glad you posted, and if she is reading I hope she feels like the pos that she really is.


Me - BS
Him - WH
5 Yr LTA
D-Day 8/5/07
Married 28 Years
R

Posts: 90 | Registered: Jan 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wife, that was me. either that or I was a ball of white hot anger. Have you considered meds? What is he doing to help you? Does he appear at least remorseful, is he being kind to you?

It may take a while to see him as anything but (fill in the blank).

Unfortunately for all of us, life does move on with or without us and we have obligations and children and bills to pay. Discovery of an affair is not the end of the world. It just turns differently. I told my H that it felt like he had trashed our marriage and left me to pick through the garbage to find it again.

FSA, this is the first time I'm going to say don't picture your tribe with you. You dont' want this lot of potty mouths around such innocent children. Good luck


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
kelsey913
♀ Member
Member # 17605
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SecondWife - the first few months after discovery are the toughest on the body and mind even when the ws is doing everything right.

How is your H? Is he remorseful? Is he giving you what you need to heal?

I'm sorry that you're going through this, it's a bitch! You found a great site, keep posting, it will help.


Me - BS
Him - WH
5 Yr LTA
D-Day 8/5/07
Married 28 Years
R

Posts: 90 | Registered: Jan 2008
secondwife
♀ New Member
Member # 17566
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says he is sorry. He stays out of my way. I go to work, come home and go to my bedroom. He does everything right -- confession, counseling ... but he is not sincere. REPUTATION

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2008
secondwife
♀ New Member
Member # 17566
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AND I have e-mails, pictures, etc. He is afraid I will use them.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2008
secondwife
♀ New Member
Member # 17566
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AND I have e-mails, pictures, etc. He is afraid I will use them.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AND I have e-mails, pictures, etc. He is afraid I will use them.

And that's a tough one for them to get over. I have tons of evidence. All hidden away. H knows very little of what's in there. But I heard from him too that he wouldn't tell me everything "because he would come back to bite him in the ass later." I told him I had enough to burn his ass for a long time already, what was a little more, but he's never been open OR honest about anything relating to the affairs.

In talking to one of our MCs I said that he's been 10% truthful about that period. I don't believe 50% of what he's told me and the other 40% is what he HASN't told me. My H at that point said for me to "make up whatever I wanted, I was going to anyway." So I did. NOT having the truth has kept us from fully reconciling. And now, even 2 1/2 year later if I bring up something (rarely) he'll still get angry and defensive. And that's with 1 year of IC and 2 of MC under his belt.


I don't trust his sincerety EXCEPT when it comes to how committed he is to being married to me. I know he's not stupid, so he knows a good thing when it stands in front of him.

I've had to rely solely on his actions NOW. How he acts with me NOW and around the children, in public, etc.

Maybe if you're willing, you can put away the "evidence" and tell him it will only come out if there's a breach tohis honesty.

Have you set up any "rules for reconciliation" regarding NC, counseling, etc?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
secondwife
♀ New Member
Member # 17566
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't really talk to anyone. This is too hard. He is in counseling but I think for appearances only.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2008
kelsey913
♀ Member
Member # 17605
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Secondwife Have you read the articles in the Healing Library? Most are very useful and informative. It sounds like you don't believe that your h is at all remorseful, just sorry that he got caught. Well, you've got to know if this A is truly over and there is no contact(NC). If it is, you H might still be in the Fog (excellent article in Healing library that explains this).

Of course you're feeling lousy, your needs are not being met. It sounds like you're handling this all alone. All I can say is right after D-Day, I read everything that I could get my hands on to try to understand what was happening. The emotions are so intense that you begin not to trust your feelings at all. Through reading, I learned the mechanics of an affair and armed myself with knowledge to help me expect the right behaviors from my husband.

I spent a lot of time reading the articles on Marriagebuilders.com too, a lot of information there.

In the beginning, your emotions are all over the place, try to take care of you and gain some of your strength back.


Me - BS
Him - WH
5 Yr LTA
D-Day 8/5/07
Married 28 Years
R

Posts: 90 | Registered: Jan 2008
secondwife
♀ New Member
Member # 17566
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Kelsey, but the more I read, the more hopeless it all seems. I bought two books and went to the library. Puts WH in "high-risk" category. Don't feel strong enough to take care of anything. Can't make decisions.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2008
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome secondwife.
I read some of your past posts. I am sorry you are going through this.

You know what struck me...I think part of the reason you are having such a hard time, is that your H just expects you to carry on as normal, and going to the Church just reinforced that.

You have been struck a severe blow, and IMHO, this is just adding to it. I think, and I may be wrong so please forgive me, that you feel that your H is just doing the min of what he needs to do, not because he wants to, but because he has to. Not to heal your M or you, but to save his butt. You feel his insincerity. Am I anywhere close?

Please continue to post. We will be here to hold your hand .

Yippee Mr Weepy!
Just one thing I wanted to point out weepy. Your H thinks that you blame yourself for things that are not your fault.

... yelled at me "no one's blaming you!

Is there any truth in that?
My H said something similar in that if anything went wrong, I would beat myself up, even when it had nothing really to do with me. And thats true. I did. I believed if things didnt turn out right, then it had to be my fault. Everything was my responsibility.Even his bad behaviour.
Do you do the same?
I had to let go of that (part of my control issues), and allow others to take responsibility for their behaviour, and also accept that, no matter how hard I try , I cant really control everything in this universe.

FSA, I know you are going to the funniest teacher those kids had. When I taught kids about 3 years ago, I was also a bundle of nerves, esp since I had both of my kiddos in the class as well, and they were so picky about what I was going to wear etc. The first 2 sessions were "challenging", but then you get into the groove, and it becomes fun.The kids used to moan when the lesson ended, and that was such an egobooster for me. One tip I will pass on is that they get pretty bored with you just talking, so I did alot of interactive sessions for eg. quizzes, crosswords, roleplay, etc. I love GOOGLE!

Goodnight all.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
2yrsinthedark
♀ Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guys, I hope I'm posting in the right place. I've been reading your posts and you are very helpful to one another. So here goes. Everything seems to be going well w/ our R, but I havent been able to shake this feeling that something isn't right. He is doing everything right, NC w/ OW and even NC w/ all his women friends. I've been thinking about this and I think its because everything was out in the open before. I mean, his long coversations w/ her,texts and IM's. He wouldnt hide them. He didnt delete anything (at least I thought so), would even joke around w/ me and her while he as on the phone. Not until dday when I read one of the IMs he was supposed to delete did I realize that he was in love w/ her all along. Those intimate conversations, texts, and IMs were done when I wasnt around. I never liked the fact that he would spend so much time w/ his friends but he would gaslight me and make me feel so bad because I didnt trust him. So I tolerated it. I feel so stupid now. Anyway, I think my problem is that I dont trust anything anymore. Everything "appears" to be fine, but how do I believe. He is obviously a great liar. I have checked the phone logs for long coversations and their is nothing there. He works 24 hour shifts, he has access to other phones and other computers. I just cant trust him or myself. He hates the fact that he cant talk to his "friends" anymore, I know that. What do I do? Do I just wait and see if he screws up again? I want to be happy again, and its me that is not allowing it.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
2yrsinthedark
♀ Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guys, I hope I'm posting in the right place. I've been reading your posts and you are very helpful to one another. So here goes. Everything seems to be going well w/ our R, but I havent been able to shake this feeling that something isn't right. He is doing everything right, NC w/ OW and even NC w/ all his women friends. I've been thinking about this and I think its because everything was out in the open before. I mean, his long coversations w/ her,texts and IM's. He wouldnt hide them. He didnt delete anything (at least I thought so), would even joke around w/ me and her while he as on the phone. Not until dday when I read one of the IMs he was supposed to delete did I realize that he was in love w/ her all along. Those intimate conversations, texts, and IMs were done when I wasnt around. I never liked the fact that he would spend so much time w/ his friends but he would gaslight me and make me feel so bad because I didnt trust him. So I tolerated it. I feel so stupid now. Anyway, I think my problem is that I dont trust anything anymore. Everything "appears" to be fine, but how do I believe. He is obviously a great liar. I have checked the phone logs for long coversations and their is nothing there. He works 24 hour shifts, he has access to other phones and other computers. I just cant trust him or myself. He hates the fact that he cant talk to his "friends" anymore, I know that. What do I do? Do I just wait and see if he screws up again? I want to be happy again, and its me that is not allowing it.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy... Happy Dance for you and Mr Weepy. I hope things continue improving for you.

welcome Secondwife. We are sorry to have you join us but glad that you've found us. There's great support here.

I'm heading out of town for a week and don't know about PC access so I'll see you in the new digs (I see we are on P.48 so I'm figuring a week will have us well into LTA-VIII)
Keeping the tribe in my prayers...


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
JoePike
♂ Member
Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

Hope you managed to get through the holidays ok, regardless if your R'ing or D/S...

Bizarrely enough, my triggers came post holidays. I can't seem to shake the xW out of my head.

She's like Britney, a year post d-day trying to connect with the OM, despite knowing he's engaged (), yet she cannot understand when our friends get pissed off and are getting closer to giving up on her.

Dammit, not sure how she was able to hide her true self for 10 years, alternatively how she was able to turn into a complete alien so quickly....


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
kelsey913
♀ Member
Member # 17605
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2yrs - First, welcome. I'm not here all that long posting but I've been reading since August. And it's been a lifesaver. It's slow here on the weekends, but I'll give you little of what I can till others come along.

My situation is much like yours, my h lied to me using the truth. I knew he was friends with the other woman and thought he rented a room from her during the week as he works far from home. I even went as far as wrapping Christmas presents for her.

After d-day, I was so hung up on not knowing if he was really finished with the a or not. The lies he told were brilliant, I couldn't decide whether I was hearing more or he was being forthcoming. He seemed to be doing everything right, transparent, checking in all the time and so on. But I still struggled with the fact that he lied like that and I fell for it so easily.

Now I think of it this way. No matter who I am with, trust will be an issue, so I might as well trust that he is telling me the truth until I find out otherwise. Does this make any kind of sense? Yes, I felt stupid for falling for it for so long, but then again, I didn't do anything wrong but trust somebody who made a vow to me. Now, blind trust is forever gone and he will have to be accountable to me for a really long time. The price we both pay for his infidelity.

Stay with us and keep posting.


Me - BS
Him - WH
5 Yr LTA
D-Day 8/5/07
Married 28 Years
R

Posts: 90 | Registered: Jan 2008
2yrsinthedark
♀ Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Kels, sounds exaclty like me. He had me send her Christmas cards and when she lived in town he invited her to our kids' bday parties. Thnks for your advice, and I will hang out here for a while.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
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