welcome, secondwife. I went back and read your posts and want you to know we all have those moments of "why did he do this if he loved me". Basically it shakes out to he didn't love himself, respect himself. It had nothing to do with any inadequacy in you or that he just "needed sex with more than one woman" like the priest told him and gave him absolution for. We can't discuss religion here but I could say a few choice things about that priest and the Catholic religion in general if allowed. Dont' blame you for not going back to church, that one, but maybe you can find peace in another where no one knows you but God.
I am acutely aware that the Mr Hyde part of him is still there.and that at any time, he can come out.So how do you guys live with that aspect? How do you allow yourselves to feel safe, when you are not really? How do you love him knowing this?
I consider this the loss of faith. It's more than not trusting who he is, it's not believing in him at all any more.
H and I got into it yesterday and even though the kids were around, I let loose. He finally opened his Christmas present and it was missing a part (an antenna) and that started the litany of grievances... just negative stuff about how you can't trust anything made today, or people who pack things and "look at the case, it's all scratched". So I listeneed and sympathized for a while. Then he played an album on it and it was one we used to listen to all the time when we made love in our early days. My heart started to ache, so I left and did some laundry. When I came upstairs I guess I was still showing my "upset". He asked what was wrong and I got out only part of my sentence "I know the problems with this are not my fault....." and he lashed out... yelled at me "no one's blaming you! You have no idea how much that annoys me when you do that. Now it's going to come out at MC what an inconsiderate, unappreciative husband I am."
So the second half of my sentence was going to be "but, I feel bad that you can't play with your toy." That's it. Wasn't going anywhere near blaming him for anything. So we got into a screaming match about assumptions and his ability to "see the future" the way HE wants to and how he gets himself all angry to prepare for a fight that isn't THERE.
After the screaming, I sat on the couch and took his hand and looked in his eyes. and repeated what I was going to say. I asked him why he go so scared when I was upset or angry and I said "I'm not going anywhere." And he started to quietly blubber and cry even though he said "that isn't the issue." Appears that IS the issue gang. And this time we yelled long enough (without either of us walking out and giving up) to find that out. He sees me upset or angry and thinks it's always about him, about what he did and he starts to worry that I've hit my "limit" and given up.
Last night we went out to dinner with friends and he held my hand under the table and kissed me (IN PUBLIC), praised me. He even drank 3 glasses of wine, risked losing control.
This morning I initiated with him.. the first time in MONTHs. And sent him off to work. But not before he asked me to move our next MC appt so he could see his IC instead.
Baby steps gang.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
But not before he asked me to move our next MC appt so he could see his IC instead.
Ya'll please send me good vibes this morning. Today is my first day at teaching Children's Church. Totally out of character for me. Even though they are children, I'm still nervous. I've got my lesson plan ready, so with ya'll rooting me on, maybe I'll get through this.
I have to say that it probably seems odd that I would be teaching Children's Church with some of the language that I use when I come on here. But this is the place that I can let it all out. Just don't pay any attention to me when I boo boo like that.
Lost, glad that you got to see your new and improved H last night. And start chocking that money away, he did say that you could come to a meeting if you saved up for it, so save save save.
Welcome secondwife, come again.
If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?
As I am reading through the posts, I'm amazed the commonality of our emotions. I could write your posts, some word for word. I'm so glad that I'm here and have all of you to lean on.
My H thought the skank was his soulmate, those words cut me like a knife. But he couldn't let me go, he was living with her and could have easily began his life with her but didn't. It makes me believe that somewhere in the back of their minds, they know it's bullsh*t. In the very beginning, I offered to give him the divorce, when he was soooo in love, why didn't he take me up on it? I can honestly say that if I knew about the A for sure, I was at a place where I could have walked away and I think he knew it. Even through his fog, losing me wasn't an option.
I blame myself for not digging deeper then, part of me knew. But I believed him, so much of his lies were plausible. I used to tell him that I thought he was lying to me with the truth and as it turns out, I was right. Why didn't I listen to my inner voice? I ask myself that question all the time and can't come up with a good answer.
IM, glad you posted, and if she is reading I hope she feels like the pos that she really is.
It may take a while to see him as anything but (fill in the blank).
Unfortunately for all of us, life does move on with or without us and we have obligations and children and bills to pay. Discovery of an affair is not the end of the world. It just turns differently. I told my H that it felt like he had trashed our marriage and left me to pick through the garbage to find it again.
FSA, this is the first time I'm going to say don't picture your tribe with you. You dont' want this lot of potty mouths around such innocent children. Good luck
How is your H? Is he remorseful? Is he giving you what you need to heal?
I'm sorry that you're going through this, it's a bitch! You found a great site, keep posting, it will help.
AND I have e-mails, pictures, etc. He is afraid I will use them.
And that's a tough one for them to get over. I have tons of evidence. All hidden away. H knows very little of what's in there. But I heard from him too that he wouldn't tell me everything "because he would come back to bite him in the ass later." I told him I had enough to burn his ass for a long time already, what was a little more, but he's never been open OR honest about anything relating to the affairs.
In talking to one of our MCs I said that he's been 10% truthful about that period. I don't believe 50% of what he's told me and the other 40% is what he HASN't told me. My H at that point said for me to "make up whatever I wanted, I was going to anyway." So I did. NOT having the truth has kept us from fully reconciling. And now, even 2 1/2 year later if I bring up something (rarely) he'll still get angry and defensive. And that's with 1 year of IC and 2 of MC under his belt.
I don't trust his sincerety EXCEPT when it comes to how committed he is to being married to me. I know he's not stupid, so he knows a good thing when it stands in front of him.
I've had to rely solely on his actions NOW. How he acts with me NOW and around the children, in public, etc.
Maybe if you're willing, you can put away the "evidence" and tell him it will only come out if there's a breach tohis honesty.
Have you set up any "rules for reconciliation" regarding NC, counseling, etc?
Of course you're feeling lousy, your needs are not being met. It sounds like you're handling this all alone. All I can say is right after D-Day, I read everything that I could get my hands on to try to understand what was happening. The emotions are so intense that you begin not to trust your feelings at all. Through reading, I learned the mechanics of an affair and armed myself with knowledge to help me expect the right behaviors from my husband.
I spent a lot of time reading the articles on Marriagebuilders.com too, a lot of information there.
In the beginning, your emotions are all over the place, try to take care of you and gain some of your strength back.
You know what struck me...I think part of the reason you are having such a hard time, is that your H just expects you to carry on as normal, and going to the Church just reinforced that.
You have been struck a severe blow, and IMHO, this is just adding to it. I think, and I may be wrong so please forgive me, that you feel that your H is just doing the min of what he needs to do, not because he wants to, but because he has to. Not to heal your M or you, but to save his butt. You feel his insincerity. Am I anywhere close?
Please continue to post. We will be here to hold your hand .
Yippee Mr Weepy!
Just one thing I wanted to point out weepy. Your H thinks that you blame yourself for things that are not your fault.
... yelled at me "no one's blaming you!
FSA, I know you are going to the funniest teacher those kids had. When I taught kids about 3 years ago, I was also a bundle of nerves, esp since I had both of my kiddos in the class as well, and they were so picky about what I was going to wear etc. The first 2 sessions were "challenging", but then you get into the groove, and it becomes fun.The kids used to moan when the lesson ended, and that was such an egobooster for me. One tip I will pass on is that they get pretty bored with you just talking, so I did alot of interactive sessions for eg. quizzes, crosswords, roleplay, etc. I love GOOGLE!
Married 18 yrs
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8
welcome Secondwife. We are sorry to have you join us but glad that you've found us. There's great support here.
I'm heading out of town for a week and don't know about PC access so I'll see you in the new digs (I see we are on P.48 so I'm figuring a week will have us well into LTA-VIII)
Keeping the tribe in my prayers...
Hope you managed to get through the holidays ok, regardless if your R'ing or D/S...
Bizarrely enough, my triggers came post holidays. I can't seem to shake the xW out of my head.
She's like Britney, a year post d-day trying to connect with the OM, despite knowing he's engaged (), yet she cannot understand when our friends get pissed off and are getting closer to giving up on her.
Dammit, not sure how she was able to hide her true self for 10 years, alternatively how she was able to turn into a complete alien so quickly....
"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper
My situation is much like yours, my h lied to me using the truth. I knew he was friends with the other woman and thought he rented a room from her during the week as he works far from home. I even went as far as wrapping Christmas presents for her.
After d-day, I was so hung up on not knowing if he was really finished with the a or not. The lies he told were brilliant, I couldn't decide whether I was hearing more or he was being forthcoming. He seemed to be doing everything right, transparent, checking in all the time and so on. But I still struggled with the fact that he lied like that and I fell for it so easily.
Now I think of it this way. No matter who I am with, trust will be an issue, so I might as well trust that he is telling me the truth until I find out otherwise. Does this make any kind of sense? Yes, I felt stupid for falling for it for so long, but then again, I didn't do anything wrong but trust somebody who made a vow to me. Now, blind trust is forever gone and he will have to be accountable to me for a really long time. The price we both pay for his infidelity.
Stay with us and keep posting.