[This message edited by blind-sided at 4:17 PM, April 29th (Thursday)]
I'm still processing it and deciding what I need to do.
Had I known what was wrong when he started his first affair I might have handled it differently....as it is, his words and actions mimicked a lot of the typical WS actions that I read about here, so I saw it as infidelity rather than illness, and it broke my heart.
I love him and worry about him, despite him resisting my help right now. However, all my legal and financial actions need to take his illness into account.
I sympathise with all bipolar spouses...unless their partners are able and willing to be on medication, their behaviour isn't simply about ups and downs.
wild, I heard something about partners of bipolar sufferers being more likely to develop it themselves...have you heard of this? It seems unlikely since it has a physical cause, but I think the stress can lead to similar behaviour. Lately, people have been asking me if I'm bipolar, but what I feel I'm doing is trying to compensate for the stress and anxiety.
I love people...but inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that's where you renew your springs that never dry up.
My H was just recently diagnosed with Bipolar. It is tough. We are reading books and what not to learn about the illness, and I'm starting to see how the A happened even though things were going so well in our marriage at the time. Still, as selfish as this may sound, despite that there is now an explanation for his A, the damage to me has been done and I am having a very hard time setting it all aside to support him. I think a lot of that has to do with the level that H took the betrayal. It really messed me up.
First, H cheated on me. Once I figured out what was going on in March, we went though hell together for months. We were doing well, or so I thought. But, even though he read and learned what he needed to do to R and make us safe in the future, he didn't actually follow through with the things he learned. He started cheating with the same MOW again, WHILE saying all the things to me that made it appear we were recovering from his A. He was living a scary level of duplicity during this time. He spent all his free time doing marital/family things...camping trips, date nights, etc. At the same time, he planned "dates" with her before/during work, and even met for sex during the work day (she is a co-worker). I caught him again in September just a couple of weeks before our 10th wedding anniversary. I've no doubt he'd still be in the A if I hadn't caught him again. This thought really makes me wonder if the A business is really in the past as much as he claims.
Now I know the A was more likely a symptom of his Bipolar and not just what *caused* this mess in our family. But now what?
Do I not allow myself to go through what I need to in order to heal because he's been diagnosed and can't handle the A topic? Lately, he's been freaking out on me if I vocalize when I'm having a hard time with anything A related.
Do I roll over and pretend I don't know that he decided to betray me the last two times he went into a manic episode, and expect to believe that he'll "never do it again"? How can I support him when I know the illness itself has the potential to throw me right into another D-day...into more devastation?
I guess the scariest thing is knowing that my H can be very fickle about following through on things. He's reading all about Bipolar, and has started a mood stabilizer med, but I can already see he's stalling on making changes in his behavior, diet, etc., that he has been reading about.
Long story short, I am scared of what this illness is going to do to our marriage and family...to the R that we both really do want. But it is all very new still; D-Day only a couple of months ago, and the Bipolar diagnosis just a few weeks ago. Things seem pretty bleak right now, but I'm holding out hope that things will improve eventually.
Boy, at first I thought I could cope, but he talked in circles and tried to control me...I couldn't handle that and then he stopped his meds and that was the end of that...He would talk and you would think he would be making sense and he made no sense at all....
Since I have been away from him, I have been told I am calmer and more myself...I am so glad it didn't go any farther than it did with him or I would in some serious IC for his problem..
My heart goes out to those who are married to a bipolar person and if you are dating one take the advice I was given....RUN LIKE HELL....
Isn't this a "chemical imbalance" within one's brain?
I felt really Crazy trying to
*cope* with WH's mood swings, buying sprees, hypersexuality, etc., & it made the roller coaster even that much more SEVERE...so that I was a depressed inert dish rag even many months after I kicked him out.
He's no longer on his meds...he continues to LIE...he'll never live with me, again!
And there are many shades and types of bipolar. For instance, my WH has had affairs (probably is in one right now) but he doesn't seem to lie to me. He withholds information, but he'll do anything to avoid lying. And as far as I'm aware, he's been fairly responsible about money. I might be proved wrong on those, or something might change, but at the moment my main concern is his secrecy, self-hatred, and of course the stream of OWs who fall madly in love with him and think they can save him And my mental health isn't great right now, but I'm on new meds and I hope they'll keep the anxiety at bay.
Mine is NPD & OCD, as well.
I don't want this burden. I won't be with a person who CONTROLS info, $$$, feelings...this is patently absurd & its ABUSE.
I won't be his Door Mat after being assured he was a *male feminist* & that we were going to have an egalitarian partnership!
I no longer love him. The person whom I fell in love with was not "real". Period.
(After he shattered not only my life, but his first wife's as well. No remorse there from him! UG)
It was good to talk to XW.
I felt validated.
My husband is bipolar.
Have either of you tried diet and exercise (I have been told the Zone diet helps by an ADHD man who's brother is bipolar, they are both on the diet). The Zone diet works to regulate your insulin levels, not weight loss.
Also, have you seen the suppliment Empower? It was cheap, so we bought some. Anything is worth a try.
Also, we go to the local MHMR. It is one of their speicalties. FWH was only on Stratteria for his ADHD and it was costing us over $200/month. At the MHMR he gets the ADHD meds, and his BP meds, and the psychiatrist for less than $200/month. It isn't a perfect set up, but it is affordable this way. Our MC/IC sessions take the rest of our money.
I'm just wondering if anyone has tried "alternative" methods and if it helped.
Yes we noticed early that he had weird spending habits, he always wanted more things. But he made sure to take on a second and even a third job to pay for his toys. Our finances were early on electronically organized so he couldn't do any damages in our bank account. Again, that was his idea.
When the As happened, I knew that something was wrong (obviously) because it was so out of character from him. For the first time, I saw a part of him I didn't recognize.
I truly believe that the As and the aftermath were a symptom of his bipolar but also the click that made his episodes faster and stronger...until I couldn't handle it anymore and asked him to leave for a couple of days in September.
That day, my mom called and I told her everything. The As, his outburst, his suicidal tendencies. I kept repeating : he is sick mommy...i don't know what to do.
She forced me to see our family doctor behind Noclue's back and to tell him everything. He immediately recognized the symptoms and it was as if a huge weight had lifted from my shoulders. This thing had a name and we could treat it. With treatment, we could live normally. I told everything to Noclue and he gave permission to our doctor to talk to me about everything regarding tests, treatments and his medication. I am involved in all of the steps.
Now our frustrations are with the health system. Noclue wants to be treated but we are on waiting lists to see a psychiatrist that will be able to prescribe his necessary medication. This is what we are dealing with now.
I am still confident that we will beat this. This is not the death sentence of our marriage. We are also very lucky that my family is supporting us 100%.
But it is hard.
Well this April's Fools Day joke sucked big time.
I got out of there with phone numbers and she is recommendint EMDR for Noclue. We will check that out, as she thinks it would be great for him to help him deal with previous issues. She also recommended Omega 3 in his diet.
She told me that what we already put in place as measures to cope are great and that there is not much more that we can do at this point. It felt good to hear by a professional that I was doing some good in helping him while waiting for the psychiatrists and the meds.
I really feel good about this because I told her I didn't want to do introspections but wanted to work on things concrete and I felt she got me on this.
Was just wondering how many bipolar spouses here ever suffered from bedwetting as a child & frequent headaches into adulthood?
And, was bipolar ever determined by an MRI scan or just a clinical diagnosis?
The scans are now lost and we are left wondering what the heck was on those pictures.
Also, we go to the local MHMR
Newbie question. What do those letters stand for?
how many bipolar spouses here ever suffered from bedwetting as a child & frequent headaches into adulthood?
My H did in fact wet the bed as a child. And he takes Tylenol/Motrin like it is candy he gets so many headaches. Is there some connection that you've heard of to these things and BPD?
was bipolar ever determined by an MRI scan or just a clinical diagnosis?
My H was clinically diagnosed with BPD after being misdiagnosed with depression, and then completely losing it when given an SSRI (Celexa, in his case). The whole event kind of forced his psychiatrist to take a good look at things that he originally only glossed over (family mental history, FULL truth on Hs activities and behaviors, etc).
*Is* there a way to know for sure like an MRI or a blood test or something? I have been reading so much about BPD, and these books are my H completely...it is uncanny. I'd be shocked at this point if it turns out he isn't Bipolar. However, they misdiagnosed him once already and he came far too close to suicide before the mistake was caught. It would be great to be SURE that the doc is on the right track this time.
My FWH is BP 1. But I am trying EVERYTHING. Treating the WHOLE him, not just the medications they pass out to us.
He DIES if he drinks more than one cup of coffee a day, because I will KILL HIM. With his ADHD he has used coffee to speed up his frontal lobe for YEARS. Now I tell him, EAT SOME PROTIEN. Coffee can wind him up tight, fast.
If you could PM me that support group you gave NoClue and Juliette I would appreciate it.
You and NoClue sound a lot like me and my FWH. At least my attraction, and FWH's spending.
"waiting lists to see a psychiatrist"
So were we, which led me to calling every BP resource I could find all over the country to get told over and over "we don't give references". My phone trip led me to the local MHMR which isn't perfect. But they are local, they are affordable, and they got FWH in and diagnosed quickly.
The pdoc that told you Omegas is correct from what I have been reading. There are good studies backing the theory up.
MHMR, mental health and mental retardation. Gov't program. They specialize in bipolar, schizophrenia, and depression.
What time is it? Now.