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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Married to a Bipolar
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In a recent conversation with my new Internist, I was explaining the sitch with WH and how he does not like taking his bipolar meds so he has stopped them for over 3 years now.
The doctor was Very understanding and replied: "Yes, many bipolars do not like to take their meds because it makes them feel like an empty paper bag".


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, January 15th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ooh! So true. Did he try Lamitctal? I feel normal on it. I used to take Geodon and had what they call anhedonia -- I felt no emotions at all. Imagine spending a gorgeous day on the beach with your beautiful, happy three year old child playing in the surf and experiencing no joy at all. It happened to me. I was so happy when I found a different medication.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 10:50 PM, January 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump for sad in az ... hope you find some help in this thread ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
notwomenenough
♀ New Member
Member # 27399
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, January 30th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't know whether I can nurture WH thru anymore. Has been manic since Thanksgiving. Bought us a wonderful trip for our 20th anniversary.. in early December I thought we were doing well. I discoved that he was abusing his meds. Self medicating with Clonipan and taking sleeping pills. I took the Clonipan and hid them (I know I am stupid) he found them and replaced them with water pills. (Do I have stupid written on my forehead) When I confronted him about the selfmedicating and the recent overspending and overexcitement he lashed out at me saying it was our lack of sex life. Now I know i am partially to blame because yes I am not that active in that area...and his previous manic episodes etc have left me with a hole in my heart. BUT, I thought we were forging ahead. He left that night - I know this is because I called him out.

After he left I decided I better check our finances and do a little research...what I found was dating websites and memberships to "hook up" websites. I also discovered he has been doing this since Thanksgiving ---even while he took me away for what I thought was a wonderful second honeymoon.

What a schmuck I am!!!!!!! Don't know if I can pick up the pieces again when he bottoms out again (yes he has before). Always suspected infidelity but kept it buried (another mistake-probably added to my lack on interest in bed)

I cannot believe these women he is talking to online are reaL!!!! Wow there are some kinky people out there! I do believe he has or intends to "hook up". I have discoved a couple of his profiles on these sites and he is expressing interest in all kinds of things.

THE SAD REALITY - I love him! I miss him! I worry about him! (keeping thinking he is going to get ripped off or beaten up by someone or get a disease) This risky behavior is so hard to deal with.

I can deal with "Playing RockBand every night for months", Shopping for a new car even test driving something we cannot afford. Shopping for a tatoo and doing nites of research. And any number of other obsessions of the moment, but, this Infidelity, may be the deal breaker!!!


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2010
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, May 5th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

not~ if you are not in IC, I sincerely hope that you do go for direction and support, and learn how to nurture YOU.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Crossbow
♂ Member
Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, June 4th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another positive & hopeful posts for those who have Bipolar spouses.

FWW had her As while in her first full-blown manic episode. Her father was BP I also, and never got his meds right. FWW grew up feeling like her childhood was blighted by his illness and the fallout from it (not having electricity/water bc her dad would spend all his disability check within 5 days, etc).

When she was diagnosed Bipolar I about 3 weeks after DDay 1, she was horrified. My reaction: I can do "in sickness and health" if you can do "forsaking all others."

She has been totally compliant on her meds AND setting up a support system of trusted friends/family/co-workers to help catch the ramping-up of mania before going completely off the deep end. Her feeling is that her father's illness destroyed her childhood; she will NOT let the same illness destroy the lives of our children.

She takes Lamictal, Lithium, and Prozac (the Lith tends to send her a little too far down). She has been stable and compliant for nearly 3 years.

She also (at my urging) explored why she pursued A behaviors during her mania rather than, say, shoplifting or trying to write the next American Novel. Digging up lots of FoO issues (her serial cheating NPD mom abandoned the family when she was 4, for example), SAb issues, boundary problems and a lying habit helped us both understand more about her A behavior and what she needed to change (which she has).

There does NOT have to be a 100% divorce rate. However, the BP partner has to be willing to dig deep, change a lot, and take the meds.

Best of luck to us all!


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
juliette
Member
Member # 9635
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, June 4th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Crossbow for sharing this.

Like your wife, Noclue was diagnosed after the A. He was actually diagnosed a year later. Our doctor actually think that he was always bipolar but the manic episodes were getting more severe as he was getting older.

My condition for staying was clear. He needed to go on medication and do a lot of work on himself. At the time, the only therapy available to us was anger management. He took it (although he was never physically violent but his outburst were quite severe). He did the work, got some amazing calming techniques.

I let him quit his well paying job. He was miserable and it was making the episodes worse. He started his own business and is channeling all of his energy in his business. He is getting quite a lot of client and is an amazing salesperson for himself.

We decided to tell everybody and at the same time educate people on this disease. We are doing good. It's not the end.


Me : BS - 40
Have a son (Romeo) - 14 years


Well this April's Fools Day joke sucked big time.


Posts: 11472 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: ontario
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, June 4th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll ditto Crossbow 100%. My wife has been med compliant and really dug into her hurts from the past in ways that have transformed both her and our marriage.

BP can feel like a death sentence for the relationship when you first find out about it (frequently, via a big ol' destructive manic episode.)

It's not.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, June 10th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm the BS, but also the BP -- and I can see how my WH needed an escape. I was diagnosed following a m/c and it took 6 months just to get me stable. I had also had postpartum psychosis after my first child.

Fast forward -- I never, ever forgot my meds. I am always, always 100% committed to being well, even if some days it's only for my kids. I've been stable nearly 5 years. It took almost that long for me to notice WH's A. Now, we're dealing with that. I think we'll be OK in the end though. If you manage BP as instructed by a competent professional -- its just a chronic, controllable illness; I call it my "diabetic brain."


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
MarriedtoStupid
♀ Member
Member # 28270
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, June 21st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH is bi polar and was diagnosed about 10 years ago. His mom and he both blamed the BP right away for the affair. I felt as though it was a cop-out as he has boundary issues and needs his ego boosted. IDK, maybe I'm just bitter but it seems as though he could have resisted and not let an enemy to our marriage in. I feel as though I should have been on his mind and in his heart enough for him to say no that first night when she showed up with lingerie and condoms, but maybe I'm just naive?


Me, BS - 35
Him, FWH - 31
4 kids - 17, 14, 4 and 2
Married 7/07
DDay 3/11/2010
Reconciled and starting anew

Posts: 120 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Northeast Ohio by way of Michigan
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:20 AM, July 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MTS~ Please check out "Electro Boy" book & website.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
nikki35
♀ New Member
Member # 29212
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so happy to feel that I am not alone. My husband has Bipolar, he has cheated on me twice. This second time is the most difficult. Luckily, he is med compliant but I feel spend frequent amount of time putting him in check so he does not have another upset/episode. However, I feel so broken do realize he has an illness and it is very difficult for him too. However, found out about the second one this October/2010 and still reeling.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Aug 2010
MarriedtoStupid
♀ Member
Member # 28270
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, August 30th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MTS~ Please check out "Electro Boy" book & website.

Thank you for the reference! FWH and I will both be doing some reading, hehe.


Me, BS - 35
Him, FWH - 31
4 kids - 17, 14, 4 and 2
Married 7/07
DDay 3/11/2010
Reconciled and starting anew

Posts: 120 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Northeast Ohio by way of Michigan
MarriedtoStupid
♀ Member
Member # 28270
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, August 30th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nikki, you are so not alone. We are working on ways to make sure FWH stays on his meds. He's just entirely someone else when he's not on his meds.


Me, BS - 35
Him, FWH - 31
4 kids - 17, 14, 4 and 2
Married 7/07
DDay 3/11/2010
Reconciled and starting anew

Posts: 120 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Northeast Ohio by way of Michigan
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 30th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH still will not take his meds so we can not live together. Suits me fine.
Psycho can live out his illness all alone and will reap what he sows.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
MarriedtoStupid
♀ Member
Member # 28270
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, September 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry he will not take his meds. That is our new dealbreaker in our marriage. If FWH is not taking his meds, then he might as well be cheating. You know, we've been together for over 5 years and I'm still learning about his BP and much it affects him.

I'll be thinking of you!


Me, BS - 35
Him, FWH - 31
4 kids - 17, 14, 4 and 2
Married 7/07
DDay 3/11/2010
Reconciled and starting anew

Posts: 120 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Northeast Ohio by way of Michigan
allmylife
♀ New Member
Member # 29506
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, September 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was diagnosed a few years ago before any of our marital problems. If anything, the bipolar has caused more problems...excessive manic spending, EA and PA, deep depression, etc. My BH does not understand the manic side of my PA. I was manic a the time of the PA and got a "high" from the riskiness of the affair, not from the affair itself. I don't blame it for the whole situation, but it played a huge role in why I did what I did. I am now stable for months and could never fathom doing what I did to my husband. It is so hard for people to understand unless they have the illness themselves.


Me FWW-35
Him BH-34
DD#1-5/09
DD#2-10/09
Separated 6/10....trying for R really hard.
Married 12 years
DD-7 DS-5

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: WI
MarriedtoStupid
♀ Member
Member # 28270
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was diagnosed a few years ago before any of our marital problems. If anything, the bipolar has caused more problems...excessive manic spending, EA and PA, deep depression, etc. My BH does not understand the manic side of my PA. I was manic a the time of the PA and got a "high" from the riskiness of the affair, not from the affair itself. I don't blame it for the whole situation, but it played a huge role in why I did what I did. I am now stable for months and could never fathom doing what I did to my husband. It is so hard for people to understand unless they have the illness themselves.

You are so right about this! For the longest time, I thought FWH's BP was just an excuse he used, and it's taken me nearly 6 months to understand. This was the first episode that I had experienced with my H and I was just used to the depression that he got. He kept telling me how he wasn't thinking clearly, but there was so much more to it. I finally had an epiphany after dreamlife recommended electro boy. It was kind of a relief to tell my husband that it wasn't him during the affair. I mean, it was his body, etc., but he was SICK. His entire reality was skewed. It put it all in perspective then or at least a different perspective.


Me, BS - 35
Him, FWH - 31
4 kids - 17, 14, 4 and 2
Married 7/07
DDay 3/11/2010
Reconciled and starting anew

Posts: 120 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Northeast Ohio by way of Michigan
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't find much comfort in the "it wasn't you, it was your sickness" perspective.

If it's you, that can be fixed. There can be therapy and MC and books to read and choices to examine and all sorts of other possibilities.

If it's the sickness, then I have a lifetime of vigilance ahead of me because as soon as the meds stop working right or something tips her into mania, then all of the progress and healing and closeness we've achieved means exactly dick. Things beyond her control change and she'll be out there cheating again. I can't say, "She won't cheat again, she's a completely different person than she was then."

Because if she flips into mania, she'll be that person, no matter how much the non-manic her has changed.

So, yeah, I take no comfort in it at all.

She's good about taking her meds, looking for mood feedback, visiting her psychiatrist, keeping tabs on her process, etc. I think that's awesome. Her compliance with the full range of therapy has been a big factor in our reconciliation.

I just don't let myself believe that "stable" is the same as "fixed."

I don't mind being my wife's control and supporting her in her illness, but I decided after the A (and the mania) that I wouldn't let it run my life again. If she goes out-of-control manic in the future, I won't be around to see if it manifests as infidelity or exorbitant spending or what. I've paid my dues.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
sootired
♂ Member
Member # 22952
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Because if she flips into mania, she'll be that person, no matter how much the non-manic her has changed."

yes, wincing, that is the real heartbreak. All the work and effort and hope you work your ass off for and , bam, it is all gone in a heartbeat. I have seen it so many times, been so sure it was finally getting better, just to go back there. Usually it begins with something i innocently said or did 6, 8, 10 or more months ago that is now being distorted into some evil attack on her.

It probably sounds silly, but I saw that movie Shutter Island and it reminded me of this very subject. I'd describe it but i hate to ruin it for those that haven't seen it, but lets just say the ending reminded me of the deep disappointment after so much struggle.

And yes she is unmedicated and technically undiagnosed, but it is so obvious. And I would leave, but my lawyer doesn't feel we can get custody and I can't abandon them. So i will stay until i can figure something better out.

[This message edited by sootired at 11:50 AM, September 7th (Tuesday)]


Me 42 BH
Her 35 WW-15 month EA followed by ONS(so she says) with another
seem to be in full R (i hope)
In R since 4/09 (I think)
6/10 realize it was False R all along
2011 cautiously in R

Have a lawyer if need be, hoping for a better tomorrow


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