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User Topic: Married to a Bipolar
Th3 Outkast
♂ New Member
Member # 29469
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hmmmm... i am reading alot of people saying their WS is Bipolar. It is different in my house. I am Bipolar and i am the BH. Sometimes i feel that she had the A because I am broken. When you ladies are growing up you dont say "I am going to go marry a guy with Bipolar" or any other issues. I struggle sometimes to understand why people love me. (sorry for the depression) I am having a really bad and down day.

by the way: I hid it until later in our life. I know i am wrong.

[This message edited by Th3 Outkast at 12:33 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]


"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley-

BH (ME) 29
WW 28
Together since 1999
married since 2001
3 kids, 2 girls (8&3) 1 boy (6)

Glad to say working on the R.


Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Wisconsin
whatnow09
♂ New Member
Member # 25704
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL, your post really summed the shit up for me. I struggled mightily with questions around was it you? was it your illness? was it a combination? If so, in what proportion?....etc. For me, it seemed to have been a quest for a false sense of "power" over helplessness. My "simple" experience has been that infidelity mixed with bipolar (and heavy doses of bipolar, at that) is a very complicated beast. As it stands, I haven't found much comfort in the ""it wasn't you, it was your sickness" perspective," either.

And I get the "because if she flips into mania, she'll be that person, no matter how much the non-manic her has changed" thing. It's a difficult reality for me to hang on to. I don't find much comfort in it, either.



Posts: 11 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: midwest
MarriedtoStupid
♀ Member
Member # 28270
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand that the whole, "it wasn't you, it was your sickness" aspect isn't true in all cases. By no means is it an excuse or a justification of an affair. However, in my case, the OW was just as "sick" and during that time FWH was susceptible to being manipulated (which she took full advantage of). Now, I know it's not all her fault, it was my FWH's choice, but had his reality not been skewed, he could have put an end to all that nonsense before it escalated into what it had been. Right now, we are working on focusing on his bi-polar moods. This time of year he tends to get depressed but last year, he went manic, hypomanic as his doc said. He stopped taking his medication, locking himself up in his office and talking to whomever. This was his way of crying for help but I took for granted that he has a disorder. I just always "knew" that no matter how shitty he was to me, he'd never cheat on me. Well, that was true to an extent. However, once the bi-polar takes over and he lets it takeover, that is when the bad things happen. I always figured it would be the overspending on the credit cards. I had no idea we'd be dealing with something like this.


Me, BS - 35
Him, FWH - 31
4 kids - 17, 14, 4 and 2
Married 7/07
DDay 3/11/2010
Reconciled and starting anew

Posts: 120 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Northeast Ohio by way of Michigan
MarriedtoStupid
♀ Member
Member # 28270
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Th3 Outkast wrote - I struggle sometimes to understand why people love me.

My H struggles with this as well. He tries so hard to get people to like him no matter if they are quality people or not. He was convinced that any mistake he made, I'd leave and when he had a ONS with OW, he knew he screwed up big time. He was convinced that is I ever found out that I would be gone and we'd be divorced.

I think he now gets it that I married for better or for worse and in sickness and in health. I'm not going anywhere.

Th3 Outkast-I hope you are working on you self-esteem and self worth because you do deserve to be loved!


Me, BS - 35
Him, FWH - 31
4 kids - 17, 14, 4 and 2
Married 7/07
DDay 3/11/2010
Reconciled and starting anew

Posts: 120 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Northeast Ohio by way of Michigan
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Th3 --

You're not alone. I'm bipolar and also the BS. The sad truth is that infidelity touches about 80% of relationships with a bipolar partner; and it's not always the bipolar who is the WS.

It's not your FAULT, but it might have been a contributing factor. It can be isolating to be married to a bipolar, especially if you're not well-controlled.

The MOST important thing you need to do for yourself is to get your disease under control. If your medication doesn't work well, add another or try another one altogether.

As for the "it's not me, it's the disease" from the bipolar WS's that's bull. I think, yes, when manic or hypersexual the bipolar can slip down the slope faster, but it's still all about boundaries. I am amazed that it was my WH and not me who was the cheater -- and I can't really say 100% why I never went there back then, but I think part of the reason is that I did guard against it because it doesn't fit my values and I KNOW it would be too easy for me to cheat when I'm in that mindset -- I think a lot of people who do cheat think they're not that kind of person and so they let themselves fall farther down the slope.

Also, Th3 -- it was wrong to hide it; but in my case I wasn't even diagnosed until 5 years into my relationship with WH. So, there are plenty of spouses who wind up "surprised" so to speak.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
sootired
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Member # 22952
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, September 9th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MarriedtoS

you sum up my life very well in many ways

just always "knew" that no matter how shitty he was to me, he'd never cheat on me. Well, that was true to an extent. However, once the bi-polar takes over and he lets it takeover, that is when the bad things happen. I always figured it would be the overspending on the credit cards. I had no idea we'd be dealing with something like this.

SO SO exactly my thoughts.

My H struggles with this as well. He tries so hard to get people to like him no matter if they are quality people or not

Also my case. Of course i would need to change it to she as it is my wife

Right now she is in transition as i like to call it, so the rollercoaster ride begins again. wish me luck


Me 42 BH
Her 35 WW-15 month EA followed by ONS(so she says) with another
seem to be in full R (i hope)
In R since 4/09 (I think)
6/10 realize it was False R all along
2011 cautiously in R

Have a lawyer if need be, hoping for a better tomorrow


Posts: 385 | Registered: Feb 2009
MarriedtoStupid
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Member # 28270
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, September 10th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking of you, sootired! My H's episodes tend to change with the seasons, I know how that is. However, when he's medicated it makes a big difference. This is the time of year he tends to not take his meds so I now know to be more diligent and make sure he does take it!


Me, BS - 35
Him, FWH - 31
4 kids - 17, 14, 4 and 2
Married 7/07
DDay 3/11/2010
Reconciled and starting anew

Posts: 120 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Northeast Ohio by way of Michigan
sad12008
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Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, September 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted on this thread for a while; my FWH is BP-II and has been all over the place with meds. He is one of the unfortunate people who is highly sensitive to medications & tends to have a greater than average susceptibility to adverse side effects. Yay! So it seems he'll just start to get stable and something will once again upset the apple-cart. I'm feeling quite weary, drained by it.

He's been told he is a "complicated case" to manage, because he's also being treated for (irony of ironies) low testosterone. His testosterone blood levels have been allowed to shoot ridiculously high (which can make him full of rage) and ridiculously low (depression & fatigue follow) and that affects his mental health in several ways, not only through the direct hormonal link but also through the anger generated by poorly managed treatment and despair at the struggles going on and on and on.

I totally agree with the sentiments expressed about the "not me, my disease" angle on infidelity. Thus far, even in the throes of manic-y, expansive-minded, anger-fueled a$$h*le-edness, he's been adamant that he's changed. I tend to believe him, but only time will tell.

Right now , I feel quite isolated: I belong to the subset of married people who have a WS (BS); of those, I'm in the BS subset of multiple A' WS's; of those, I'm in the BS subset of multi-A WS's w/BPD; and of those, I'm in the BS micro-subset of multi-A WS's w/BPD and low T.

Which may be a party of 1.

Truly, the infidelity part of the equation has been fairly well dealt with. Now, it's the mental health that makes me at times feel like I'm reaching my tipping point. The only way in which the infidelity plays into that is my former total commitment to "in sickness & in health" took a severe body blow because of it.

I'm down because the good, stable, happy, nurturing times feel like they've been measurable in "weeks" over the past year, while the difficult, lonely, sad, upsetting times have been measurable in "months".

BTW, has anyone's BP spouse, or any BP person here, had the experience of totally losing interest in a formerly avidly-embraced hobby or interest after starting mood stabilizers? My FWH was previously consumed by woodworking (3 car garage w/2 giant workbenches, tablesaw, chop saw, lathe, drill press, bandsaw, 2 rolling tool cabinets, etc.) and boats (he built 4, bought 1). Now, zero interest in either, which troubles him greatly and depresses him. Anyone?


"Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back." --Neil Young, father to two children with CP, another with epilepsy, and otherwise experientially qualified to comment

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
dreamlife
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Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:25 AM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, sad. Mine went down so low...he might need a mood elevator.Please check w/ his doctor. I know how difficult this is.

((((huge hugs)))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
EasyDoesIt
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Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, September 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I managed to lose the post I wanted to reply to.

Someone asked if we saw indicating behaviors to let us know mania was on its way. Mine uses the word "glared" when he's going into or already into the manic/paranoia state. He'll report that someone was glaring at him, or that he just glared at someone. It's 100% accurate as far as a signal to me. It's also a freight train that I have no way of stopping. In the old days, when he took his medication, we could talk about these signs and more often than not, I could get him to realize that second cup of coffee wasn't going to help. Cold medicines will set him off and he has horrible allergies so right now he's FUCKED UP. When he would take antibiotics it would reduce the effect of the mood stabilizer. He'll also start exercising manically, like he'll be doing karate stuff out in the front yard at 3 a.m. Or he'll make a list of 80 things to do in one day. He's been off the meds for 4 years now and it is pure unadulterated hell. And sometimes he'll say that he knows his thinking is fucked up but usually the world is wrong and he's right.

I realized a while ago that he only has 2 or 3 long-term friends, and only one of them does he speak to on a regular basis. When he speaks to this friend on a regular basis he gets worse because they were teenagers together and did a lot of crazy things. The other guy is a piece of shit, had online affairs and did those sex calls.

I will tell you that a keylogger is the single most informative tool I have ever had, even more so than the internet itself sometimes.

And right now we're teetering on the edge, I know I'm going to divorce him. I just wanted to get my son through high school so I wouldn't have that hanging over my head and around my neck forever. I don't know that we're going to make it that long (almost 8 months) because he is in a full-blown manic episode right now.

Oh, the other thing that he does when he's on the verge of an episode is massive throwing away of stuff. Like EVERYTHING. He'll throw out books, he'll throw out yard tools, he threw everything off my desk one time and our tax information was in there (was getting ready to file and had everything organized). He's just a sick, sick man and he doesn't want to get better. He wants the world to conform to what is his varying ideas of what's right. There is no pleasing him. And I don't want to anymore. I just want to get my son through school


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3655 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
EasyDoesIt
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Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, September 20th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've decided that even if he DID go back on the meds again, this would still be over.

He's a sick man. It isn't just the bi-polar, it's the perverted sexual stuff that put me over the edge with him. It's also that he's restricted me from having my two kids from a prior marriage visit at this house. He really is a bastard.

He's so up and down, rapid cycling, paranoia, I'm exhausted. I'm just sick of walking on eggshells around him.

His mother and sisters have been diagnosed with it as well so I'm not sure if it's a family genetic component or if it's environmental. Either one of those could be the culprit or it could be a nice combination of both. I don't care. He cannot undo the damage he's caused and it's him who decided to go off the meds 4 years ago.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3655 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, September 20th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EasyDoesIt --

I think you're beyond 100% reasonable and are making a good decision. Hang in there.

sad12008

BTW, has anyone's BP spouse, or any BP person here, had the experience of totally losing interest in a formerly avidly-embraced hobby or interest after starting mood stabilizers?

When I was on Geodon it gave me anhedonia, which is the inability to feel pleasure. So I pretty much let my hobbies fall by the wayside. If you don't enjoy anything, why bother to do anything that requires effort beyond those things you absolutely HAVE to do?

Another possibility is that he associates his old hobby with being sick. Sometimes you have to change a lot of things -- sort of a signal to yourself that you're not going to be sick anymore.

[This message edited by m334455 at 9:57 AM, September 20th (Monday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
SoldieringOn
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Member # 29487
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been posting mostly in the "Just Found Out" section. I'm 1 day shy of 1 month today. My story crosses so many of these damn threads I'm not sure where to post - or even if I should. Since its possible (probable...) that this issue lies at the root of the issue, maybe there's some encouragement here. My wife is bipolar. It has manifested itself in a number of ways, the affairs over the years are just one of them. I'm struggling with the why, and I'm fairly certain I won't ever get the answer. I'm pretty down in the dumps, and I don't know if my wife is even capable of helping "us" through recovery. She is still unable to be honest with me, even after I've assured her I'm committed to reconcile. Is there any hope to maintain a marriage with a bipolar spouse?


Soldier 43
DBGS Ex Wife 42
Were Married 21 Years
Son - 11 years old
D-Day 23 AUG 10
Divorced 5 OCT 11

Posts: 732 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
MarriedtoStupid
♀ Member
Member # 28270
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoldieringOn-

It is possible. I've been with FWH for 5 years, married for 3. His affair has opened my eyes to more aspects of his bipolar disorder and I'm beginning to understand more and more of why he does what he does.

Our new deal, vow if you will, is that he is to stay on his medication and I need to be mindful of his moods/episodes. Up until last year, I only knew the depressed side of it. Last year he was full blown manic and I had no idea how to handle it. His moods tend to change with the seasons, so I'm on my toes!


Me, BS - 35
Him, FWH - 31
4 kids - 17, 14, 4 and 2
Married 7/07
DDay 3/11/2010
Reconciled and starting anew

Posts: 120 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Northeast Ohio by way of Michigan
A Million Pieces
♂ Member
Member # 21910
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, September 28th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SO-

When I first found out, I knew my WW had emotional issues. My counselor told me that it would likely take ~2 years for her to workout her issues, before we could address mine/marriage's. He asked me if I was up to that.

Six months after that, WW was diagnosed as BPII. That was 1.5 years ago, and the WW is still not "right." I'm still waiting for her to get to a point where we can work on us. She's close, better, but not completely stable to really discuss it, help me heal.

You're still relatively new (I'm assuming you found out about all 14 a month ago? - I was similar - about 7 (8?) over a three year period). It's tough. Give yourself some time, see if she responds to therapy/meds.

Or you can just throw in the towel. No one will blame you. Some days, I'm ready to do that.

You need to give yourself some time to recover from the shock and think more clearly.


Me: BS (37)
Her: WW (37)
Married 12 yrs; together 19
D-Day 11/22/2008
D-Day #2 (admitted previous PA) 12/5/2008
D-Day #3: 1/9/2009 (EA)
D-Day #4: 6/22/2009 (EA - she stopped before PA)
Status: Trying to R; Coping with WW being Bipolar

Posts: 80 | Registered: Dec 2008
lulykr
♀ Member
Member # 29697
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, September 29th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am the BS and my husband is bipolar. He was diagnosed with bipolar II. I think of it like the chemical imbalance in his brain is on fast foward. He is less likely to have extended depression followed by mania, which seem more like the Bipolar I description. Instead he rapidly cycles through the two but on a smaller scale. He was diagnosed when he was in his early 20s. But it took years for him to accept. He tried all sorts of meds over the years. He used drugs to self medicate. He is an addict as well. Opiates are his drug of choice. He says they help to manage the racing thoughts that take over when he is cycling. Today he is managing his Bipolar with topamax. He has a temporal lobe disorder also common with bipolar which means his ability to place event in time is off. It's a connection between the amyglada and temporal lobe that does not fire the same as someone w/o bp. Topamax is FDA approved for epilepsy but has proven effective for treating bp II and opiate addiction. His addiction and bipolar lead to the A. Today he is working a NA 12 step program-as am I- and managing the bp through meds and psych doc. The 12 step program seems to be more affective for him as I have seen more self searching and openness from him as he gets further into recovery. The most important thing I did and continue to do for ME is to educate myself about BP and work my own recovery program. If you know or suspect that your loved one is BP try and learn as much as you can about it. NAMI has amazing resources for families affect by this. Learn about it not so you can control it but so you know what you are dealing with. It is manageable but it takes ALOT of work from both people involved.
Love
B

Posts: 589 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Gainesville FL
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:48 AM, October 3rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is bipolar and highly intelligent. My IC told me most M to a bipolar end in D and I can see why.
I've moved away mainly because he's been off his meds over 4 years now and still constantly lies, no transparency, sexually perverted stuffs, etc. I see the gross paranoia, religious obsession/anger, and he's the most secretive person I've ever met (all the while trying to tell me what an Open Book he was the first year.)
He has strange eating patterns like cheese and crackers and his weight fluctuates greatly. We have an "e-mail M" where he tells me every day he loves me and my cat...but he also will use certain words and abbreviations like a "code" just between us. Has anyone else experienced this?
Oh, and as for the change in seasons, he starts to go downhill in Winter but by the time Spring arrives, look out World!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, October 3rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also interesting to read the word "glare" here...my WH uses the word "faded" when exhausted from mania.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Crossbow
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Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, October 3rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When FWW starts slipping into mania, she needs less sleep & gets very active (frantically gardening, for example, or taking on several sewing projects), and starts being very outgoing and talkative (she is normally introverted & prefers listening to talking).

She also has some seasonal components: her manic episodes tend to begin making an appearance in May.

BTW, anyone who goes into full-blown mania is *not* Bipolar II, whatever the mental health professional says. Check the DSM - part of the diagnosis of BP II is *not* having full manic episodes.

Our promise was this: she takes her meds & manages mood swings (there are several steps to this) & I'll stay in the M. The way I put it was, "If you can do 'forsaking all others,' I can do 'in sickness and health.'"

No meds, no marriage. I can't live like that.


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:18 AM, October 4th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read that mania requires little sleep/rest/food.
My WH sleeps okay but has very vivid dreams which he tells me in great detail about.
Yes, he has a ton of energy and makes comments like, "Sure I can teach school until I'm 80!!! Why not??!"
but its his appetite when manic. It actually increases when he's manic and he's literally eating everything edible. He eats like a horse! Followed by tremendous weight gain.
When he's depressed, he lies in bed all day/night and "crashes" because he's "faded". No dreams. No appetite. Loses weight alarmingly!

I got several e-mails from him tonite and he was "in a Very Good Mood". (Manic!)

Crossbow is right about the med compliance which is why I have moved over 300 miles away from WH now.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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