I haven't posted in this thread before. My H is bipolar - some weird combination of 1 & 2. He's usually rapid cycling BP2, but has had an extended period of mania and depression so is classified as BP1? Something like that.
Today I am throwing myself a pity party for having to deal with him. I'm very careful with money, hate debt, like savings. Of course, this is the polar opposite to BP. We do okay on the money front, so long as I work full time. We have a mortgage on an okay house and usually have enough left over for some little luxuries.
A few months ago, I decided to get a credit card. My plan was to 'work the system' - paid off in full every month, whilst still accumulating reward points towards shopping vouchers. My H wanted to be an additional card holder, I had misgivings but he wheedled.
After the affair, you see, he bought himself a car that he couldn't afford. We separated, and he was financially up shit creek. He also lost his job. When we got back together, he wanted to get rid of that car. He sold another car he had, put all his tax refund on the loan, basically got rid of a $30K loan in around 6 months. It was a big deal for him, although he conveniently forgets that he made zero contributions towards living expenses during that time. Don't get me wrong, he did really well, but any time I question his ability with money, this now gets thrown in my face.
Anyhoo, I got this credit card and started trying to 'work the system'. It hasn't worked. Almost straight away he purchased a $1000 TV on the card. Yes, our TV had broken, but this purchase was not discussed with me at all. He started spending around $15 - $20 on lunches at work every day. Started buying cigarettes more often. The kicker was last night. He went shopping for Christmas presents, supposedly just for myself and his Nanna. I expected that he'd spend about $100. As he was on his way home, he sent me a text - "Santa has gotten us a present, too." Truth be told, I was a bit excited, I figured it was a DVD or a board game or similar. He'd spent $600 on a gaming console and game package. About 2 weeks ago, he'd told me we couldn't afford to buy a $30 fundraising book for my son's daycare because the credit card balance was too high, then he goes out and puts another $600 on it? We'd already bought all our presents!
I'm really upset by it. After the TV I tried to tell him that it hurts me that he doesn't consult with me before making big $$$ purchases. I ALWAYS consult with him. But he does it again. His excuse is that he wants to find something that we can do as a family. Which rings out as utter bullshit to me, because computer games aren't my thing, they don't really interest me, and our son is 3.5. Kinda young for Band Hero.
It used to be that he would give me his excuse and I would feel sorry for him. After we separated, though, he manipulated me emotionally all the time. I can actually remember a post he put on a forum, thread was something like "How do you get your missus to let you spend money on cars?" He responded that he mopes around the house and acts all depressed, tells me he needs stuff because he's depressed and has been working hard and needs a reward, I feel sorry for him and so he gets what he wants. I feel like he's pulling the same shit now, although his game is now "It's so that we can do stuff as a family."
Case in point - boat. I am 5 months pregnant, I will go on maternity leave end of April. We will JUST have enough for me to stay home until the baby is 9 months old, then I will need to go back full time. He is planning on purchasing a time share in a boat. His reasoning is that the $4000 start up will come out of his tax return (note the use of HIS, not OURS) and then it's only $100 a month or something. And it's so that we can do stuff as a family. Just like the Jeep Wrangler he bought this year was supposed to be, although he *did* purchase a car that has zero luggage space and no back doors to get baby and 3 year old in and out.
If I question the whole 'for our family' excuse, I get tears about how his dad never did anything with him, or that he has a family history of dementia therefore he must live life NOW.
I feel like I am constantly sacrificing what I want for him to get what he wants. If I put my foot down, I am controlling and stingy. For a while, I completely left him out of the loop on financial matters, because if he knew we were doing well, he'd spend it. I stopped that when we reconciled because I wanted to eradicate this parent/child dynamic, and he seemed to be growing some money sense. now, though, I am tempted just to do the same thing again - neglect to mention what our position is like and just set up transfers to put the money where I think it belongs. He never checks the transactions, only the balances from time to time.
I used to think that his spontaneity balanced my cautiousness, now I just get so resentful.
[This message edited by dreamlife at 7:57 AM, December 27th (Monday)]
My advice is to pull the reins back on all his access including cutting the cards up.
The next day he rang me from work asking me to take it back, and I told him that I thought he should do it himself. He hung up sounding very grumpy and came storming into the house after work, muttering about how tired he was and now he has to go take this console back and so on. We ended up having a huge fight, because he came home and launched right into me. In a reasonable tone, of course, which always shits me to tears. For about 20 mins he whinged to me about how I always shit all over his ideas and put him down, how I should be supportive of him wanting a boat, how I should be supportive of the too small 4WD, how I should have been supportive of an overseas holiday. In fact, I *was* supportive of the overseas holiday right up until he lost his job *again* only 2 weeks before we left, then I started fretting about how we were going to pay it off.
In any case, he noticed that I was getting upset and told me to get over it, he was only 'talking', then made a sarcastic barb about how now I must know what it's like when I constantly shit all over him. I left the house.
I told him afterwards that I think we need to see a counsellor about this, but he doesn't want to because he blames my pregnancy, his bipolar and the stress leading up to Christmas as the factors causing this fight. I, on the other hand, think that if he's going to be bring up stuff from 6+ months ago, we need to talk it out.
The credit card is now out of his access. I'm still going to talk to him about our finances, but put my foot down on things we can't afford. He seems to be recognising that this boat thing is a bipolar compulsion - he said the other day, "I used to just WANT a boat, but now my bipolar is telling me that I NEED one."
I hate these ups and downs. And I'll tell you what, the meds reducing his already low sexual drive to virtually nil is another gripe completely.
I swear i will explain something to my wife and she will so totally miss the point I wonder if she might really be stupid, but she is incredibly intelligent.
Have a lawyer if need be, hoping for a better tomorrow
Are you being really clear? Either she's missing the point or she's playing a game and pretending to.
I do think there is a huge problem with spouses of BP's -- they often continue to treat the BP like a child after the BP is "well". I don't want to be treated like a child and I don't want to be married to one. Be sure you are 100% crystal clear. She's not stupid and she's not a child. Make her repeat it back if you have to, and make her deal with the consequences if there are any.
he just started medication for the bipolar. has left ow and detoxing from drugs.
how can i help him? how can i help me?
[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 2:00 PM, January 26th (Wednesday)]
I think the best way for you to help him is to be there for his visitation. Make it family visitation. He shouldn't be alone with the kids anyway.
If you do want to R if possible, and it sounds like you might, you tell him, for us to start the process to R you need to show me medication compliance, give me access to your IC/pdoc, get a job, get out of debt...stability... then go to MC. Be gentle, but firm. And also positive. Tell him he can get better. He'll feel like it's impossible. It's not. But you need to be very careful to not be codependent, so you're going to need support for yourself.
IC is very helpful. Oh, thank God for my IC.
Self medicating is a very common, very big problem with bipolars. I don't know many who haven't done it at one point or another.
You can help him by making sure he takes his BP meds,make sure that they are filled in time, and having him give you medical rights so if something isn't right with his behavior, you can talk to his doctors.
With the hormones, it feels like it's gone backwards of late as he's back to injections after going off them to compounded cremes (how, exactly, should that be spelled in this context?? ), back again to Androgel, now this again which is an ordeal.
Mood has plummeted again and I just am so tired. We get a few good weeks and then something happens just about the time where it feels like we finally have enough throttle to go nose up into the air.
I hope you guys understand this is my wailing wall. It can be SO hard sometimes, I feel like walking away into the fantasy life where it's sunshine & roses. Sadly, I know there is no such thing, and I do love him (though I don't particularly like the depressed, angry a$$h*le currently inhabiting his body)(I want MY Mr. Sad1 back. ).
Then he seems to be okay for a while like my husband and then bam all of the sudden he withdrawals from me barely talking and when I do try to talk to him he says he doesn't know what to say.
Then finally after trying forever to get it out of him he tells me doesn't think our marriage is working for him anymore.
To say I'm devastated is an understatement.
he has done this twice before just out of no where telling me he wants to leave. His moods are all over the place and just last week he said he wanted to get tested and get help. We were even intimate and then bam not a mere few days later he decided he didn't want to anymore and changed his mind.
Does this sound even remotely like bipolar to anymore or am I big time mistaken?
My wife and brother are bipolar. And from your small description it could be he is bipolar.
Crazy spending, moods swings are definitely potential signs.
But you really need a professional to diagnose it correctly and even they get it wrong sometimes.
One thing I did notice in your post: "We were even intimate and then bam not a mere few days later he decided he didn't want to anymore"
Have you noticed his mood swings are at their most heaviest a few days after sex?
Because some men (not sure about women) have big lows a day or a few days after sex which could be increasing his down times. If you can see a relation between sex and a few days later extreme lows, then google for "dopamine low after sex" and you might find some useful information.
"Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be different"
Dolphin, my WH has been exactly like that at times...it sounds bipolar. BUT, it is difficult to diagnose BP, so defintely get him to a psych appt.
My WH has a psych appt. on the 11th and it feels like the longest wait ever. I made the appt. for him (of course... ) on Tuesday after our MC and I both suspected this could be bipolar. Going back through all of our crazy experiences, what else CAN it be????
So, to back track a bit, WH lapsed back to his, "I just want my freedom" speech on Saturday. I caught him replying to a text from his OW that he was supposedly in NC with since November 10 of 2010, kicked him out on Sunday. By Sunday afternoon, he was texting, and calling me non-stop wanting to come back to his family..."his real love...his only true love"...yadda, yadda, yadda.
So, at Monday's appt. I told MC and WH that I want a D, and WH begged me not to. I agreed to let him come home and made his appt. If he keeps the appt. and gets the help he needs (which he says he desperately wants) then we shall she where this leads us.
He is a LONG time "self-medicator". He is on an antidepressant since his original diagnosis years ago was severe depression. He takes it religiously, but also tends to drink beer (anywhere from 2 bottles to a 6 pack) every few days. So, his ADs work as good as they can considering the major depressant he drowns himself in quite regularly .
So, I guess I am in search of support. What can I expect? How do I manage things now?
Since Monday night, he has gone through a couple different phases...at this time, he is avoiding thinking about the BP and is busying himself with his new car (tinkering, changing oil, reading about it, etc). Pretty typical.
He seems to be trying to do more helpful things, like laundry and dishes, but I can tell this won't continue for long.
Is there any hope????
I little bit of background, we have been married 9 years and he has cheated on at least 6 times with multiple women each time. Each time gets worse, he blow money like it is nothing, does not pay his bills, yells and screams at me and blames for everything. We have separated 4 times when I had found out about the cheating, including this time. I know these are all symptoms of the his bi-polar. But I did not that at the time, come to find out it runs in his family along with other mental illness. This time has to be the worse of them all, he met a 17 year old girl online and flow many times to were she lives, blow thousands of dollars, bought an engagement ring for her. Well about 2 weeks ago I got a call from her parents that she had run away and was pregnant. I confronted my husband and he said they were only friends and they no longer talk because he found out her and her family were crazy, and that he had no idea where she was and nothing her parents said about him was true. Well the cops came to job looking for him, and they and the girls father went to my husbands college which is a Christian college he takes class at, well come to find he found her and took her back to her parents, but he then got in a lot of trouble with his college they told him that the allegations were enough to put him on probation and that he was not allowed to come in contact with any felmale student under 21 outside of his classes. And I think that just pushed him over the edge because he started talking about killing himself and that was when he checked himself in the hosiptal even know we don't live together anymore he called me asked me to call his family but that he only wanted me calling to check on him. So I did for a week and then I would call his parents.
He was released on Thursday and said he was feeling better than ever, and wanted to gether, we had planned to go out to dinner tonight. He did then tell me that he had some bad news, he had found out that he could now be thrown out of college, and that his good friend was admitted into the hospital for the same thing and since she is a student under 21 he was no allowed to visit her, and her dad had blamed him for her issues. He had also admitted he forgot to take his meds and was really shaky. He could later to tell me he was back at the hospital because he had just wanted to take all of his pills and end it all. However the hosipatl would not admit him because his friend was there and her family had requested he not be allowed in the hospiatl. I did not think they could do that so they were trying to find another hosiptal that had a bed. He then told me that he talked to his sisters (who I have always had a very up and down relationship with) and they felt it was all my fault, I to tell me not to call his mom because I upset her(which I know is not true) and that this should be keep in the family and I am not family. But he wanted to keep talking to me so he asked me not to call them and just check in with him. I was up all night waiting to hear where he was going he finally called at 3am and said he was being transfered to a strict treatment center a few hours away. And that he would call me when he got there and was allowed to make a call. I am so worried I still have not heard anything and don't know what to do.
I am pissed at his sisters because they have never been there for him when he has needed them, and turn everything around. I also know they hide things from their parents to cover up so my H does not look like he does anything wrong. His parents won't answer my calls or text now. I have no idea if they took my H to this treatment center and from their webpage it does not sound like he can make calls without a phone card and he does not have one. I also feel so bad, because I thought I had wanted this marriage to be over because he has done so many things to me, but now I am more lost than ever.
Sorry to be so long winded, I just don't know what to do or how to handle all of this. Any advise would be a big help.
What the hell.
So crazy. I just don't get the back and forth, and absolutely hate living with someone like this.