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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Married to a Bipolar
heart_in_a_blend
♀ Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not married to a Bipolar, but my sister was one.

She was the most difficult person my husband being number two I have ever known in my life.

She end her life in January. Even though she drove me crazy I still wish we could have gotten along. Way to many ups and downs. Total drama queen.

I suppose these people are in our life for a reason, but I sure don't want any more.


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
EasyDoesIt
♀ Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's always said he doesn't want to be on meds (probably because his mother has made herself a zombie on prescription meds), but I can't understand knowing there's a problem and doing nothing to help yourself either.

Because they believe that the world is wrong and they're right. My STBX won't take responsibility for anything, and literally mean ANYTHING. When he lost his wallet in Phoenix (or his friend stole it), and I was in Georgia, well he said that was my fault because they wanted to take a picture of the house I lived in. I didn't even know they were going there. He gets into a verbal argument with our son's wrestling coach (which ended up in $2500 in legal fees after an assault charge was filed against him)and it's my fault and my son's fault. He hires a jackass to finish the basement and pays him $12,000 cash, it's my fault because I have dogs.

I've spent 20 years reacting and now I'm trying to plan. Not easy. Life on eggshells is no fun.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3655 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's OK Easy. Everything will be fine. There will be bad days, but they will be fewer and fewer. Once the D is done, he can't screw up your plans anymore.

heart: she was unwell. very, very unwell. it sucks, and it's sad, and it's not fair, but she just wasn't capable of doing better. I wish you could have gotten along too.

Bipolars tend not to get better. I've often thought I got better because the pathology clashes with my personality. But it does take rigorous management and it still gets worse under stress, etc. It take proactive behavior -- trying to drastically reduce stress (i.e. having a deliberately boring life...)

Anyway, it's normal to be frustrated and annoyed and you are not to blame.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
EasyDoesIt
♀ Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's OK Easy. Everything will be fine.

I really needed to hear that today. Thank you. My stomach is in knots because he's being nice/civil. How messed up is that? Roller coaster ride from hell, I tell you.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3655 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
virtualv
♂ Member
Member # 28565
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bipolars tend not to get better

Its true that people usually have BP for life and that they usually need meds for life.

But I know 2 people with BP who have gotten a lot better since they have realized they have the disorder and have decided they do not want it to rule their lives.

It all depends on their willingness to accept they have it and really schedule their lives around it (stay away from stressful situations, don't drink, see psychologist, take medication, etc)

However if somebody with BP starts out by saying they do not want to be on medication, that usually means they are not willing to do WHATEVER it takes to keep it under control. And that's not helpful.

Usually it works the other way around. They start off with medication and some can get off medication if they keep their lives stress free.


Me: BH 34, Her: FWW 32
Married 11 years
3rd & Final DDay: Dec 20, 2009

"Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be different"


Posts: 873 | Registered: May 2010 | From: BC - Canada
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC told me it will usually worsen with age...and I choose not to be in this situation.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
markswife
♀ Member
Member # 6719
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, Easy. I'm doing the same thing. (divorcing my bph). It's been a crazy ride. I'm now 45, and have spent so much time living around his moods and behavior, it's made me crazy and tired.

Whatever is out there has to be better.


Wondering what is wrong with me. Why don't I leave?

Posts: 353 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Allen, Texas
Trying_To_Decide
♀ Member
Member # 29792
Default  Posted: 2:07 AM, June 8th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you Easy. It is so hard to be on eggshells day in and day out. I now believe my WH has rapid cycling BP-like all day form one mood to another. It is exhausting.

BUT, he did break down to me last weekend and seems to have accepted his diagnosis. He wants help, desperately, and has an sppt. in a couple of weeks. We'll see.

Meanwhile, he hasn't gone to MC with me in about a month, as he was feeling like we were ganging up on him...really it was just too hard to hear what he did was WRONG!

I also just learned tonight (at MC by myself...) about vitamin b12 shots. Anyone know anything about those to help with mood leveling??


Me, the BS:38 ...now 42
WH...STBX:39 ...now 43
3 kids, 13+ years

Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2010
Trying_To_Decide
♀ Member
Member # 29792
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, June 8th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tonight he came home iwth beer for the first time since breaking down and admitting he was avoiding his diagnosis. He also "went for a drive" and after an hour I texted to ask where he was. He said "At XXXX playing Xbox. Be home in an hour." WTF?? He never used to go to his friend's house at night (bedtime for our kids, no less) to play xbox.

I asked him to take a pic or call to show me he was being honest. he hasn't even responded.

I am so angry and hurt. All I can think is...Oh God, are we headed for another Dday?? What is going on???

This is absolutely the worst thing I have EVER gone through. Ever.


Me, the BS:38 ...now 42
WH...STBX:39 ...now 43
3 kids, 13+ years

Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2010
EasyDoesIt
♀ Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, June 9th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd like to address you last few posters directly because of what I'm going through.

My STBX has totally re-written the history of our marriage and time together. I would strongly advise you to start a journal of some sort, either online or here in SI. THere's a feature here where you can make it private. I started keeping one about 2 years ago via emails to myself. It's very, very painful to go back and read the things in them. I have a blocking mechanism that I do when I'm in defensive mode (which is most of the time). I literally cannot remember things once the switch in my head goes off, it's almost like a disassociative disorder that I've developed to not fully suffer from the onslaughts he dishes out when he's manic or depressed or psychotic. It isn't healthy but it IS a survival skill. I'm sure some of you do it too. Going back and reading the things I was documenting has helped me to understand in full color that this mental disorder goes in CYCLES. Period. There are cycles up and cycles down. We develop coping mechanisms and I doubt if many of them are healthy. It's also what ENABLES them to keep up their destructive actions. We tend to fix everything for them so 1) WE don't have to suffer for their actions 2) the kids don't have to suffer for their actions and 3) so they don't have to suffer for their actions.

It's like dominos.....one knocks down the other. My kids, unfortunately, have learned this enabling technique from years of living with he who is nuts and me who was made nuts.

I've asked myself this question:

If a stranger came to my door and said, "Hi, I'm "fred" and I have Bi-polar Disorder with Paranoia, FOO issues, the military spent $1,000,000 training me to be a special-warfare guy and kill people, blow up things, I like to gamble, and I'm addicted to violent porn which involves teenagers and women being sodomized, can I live in your house?"

The answer would obviously be, "NO!". I loved this guy, I adored this guy, I thought I could make it better. I bent left and I bent right. I promise you that you CANNOT bend far enough to make them better. THEY have to choose to take the meds and continue with therapy. You have to learn to quit being co-dependant, to quit enabling.

The last 28 years of my life have been spent with me reacting to what life throws at me, I'm always in "fix the mess" mode whether it's hiring a lawyer to remedy whatever mess he got himself into, fixing problems he created with neighbors, fixing financial messes he got us into, running interference so he wouldn't go after the kids, etc.

It's sick.

We, as co-dependants, get sucked into the whirlpool and don't even feel the water swirling. You have to learn to step back and let them suffer the consequences of their actions. It isn't pretty. It isn't fun. It's hard as hell to watch. But, if you want to survive as a human and have some sense of dignity, you have to step away from the jaws of the bear-trap. You have to be able to recognize the damn bear trap. And you have to learn to quit stepping into the bear trap.

I've gone too far in this to try to fix it. Our patterns of behavior are very destructive and he will NOT go to counseling or take medication. He's high-functioning, the military training was solid and he can easily shut his mind off when he WANTS to.

See, the therapist he went to many years ago (awesome guy) when he was accepting of the fact that he's deranged, told me this when I was complaining about the uber-suspicions and paranoia.

I told him about some events and said, "It just isn't logical to think that XXXXXX." (I don't remember now what that specific conversation was about). His response was, "See EDI, that's the thing about paranoia. It isn't logical."

It's heartbreaking to watch someone you love suffer the agonizing effects of mental illness. I would even give him his pills, put them in his hand, watch him swallow them. He was successfully treated for 8 years (with a few bumps but nothing bad). And then his family told him that there was nothing wrong with him and he didn't need the medication. (Um his mother has bi-polar, his sister does, and his other two sisters have major depression, his dad had NPD." He came off the meds and life immediately went to hell.

It's a cycle and you CANNOT control the variables. We become accused of being control-freaks. Well, what would you expect us to do? We have to keep fixing their messes. We have to keep remedying their damage. We work extra hours to pay the bills that we can't pay because they blew the money on clothes or gambling or whores.

We take ourselves away from ourselves and we take ourselves away from our kids. We get lost in the mess and live with the constant "rocks in the pit of your stomach" sensation of waiting, always waiting, for the other shoe to drop.

It's OK to love them but please, please....find someone who will help YOU. It's OK to take care of yourself......I wish I had.

[This message edited by EasyDoesIt at 10:47 AM, June 9th (Thursday)]


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3655 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
virtualv
♂ Member
Member # 28565
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, June 9th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying_To_Decide,


vitamin b12 shots.

Thats NOT going to help a person with BP disorder.
The medication they need is far more specialized and stronger and needs weeks/months of tuning to get the dosage right.

Tonight he came home with beer

Self medicating is a HUGE problem for people with BP and it increases their crazy behavior. One of the first things the psychologist/psychiatrist he will be seeing will say is he has to stop drinking and other drugs completely.

The next thing he/she will say is he needs to adopt a very healthy sleep routine. Go to bed on time every night, around the same time. Make sure to get 7-8+ hours of sleep, EVERY night.

A person with BP cannot live like a teenager partying. It hugely magnifies their condition.

If he is not willing to do those things after seeing the counselor, there is little hope I tell you.


Me: BH 34, Her: FWW 32
Married 11 years
3rd & Final DDay: Dec 20, 2009

"Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be different"


Posts: 873 | Registered: May 2010 | From: BC - Canada
virtualv
♂ Member
Member # 28565
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 9th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Easy)))

We become accused of being control-freaks

I wanted to highlight that part. I was also accused of that for years.

But as soon as I dropped the 'control' she went completely crazy, had 2 affairs, just about destroyed everything we had.

I was just tired of having to keep her on the right track and at the same time being accused of being controlling.

So I gave up and hell broke loose.

I totallllly get what you are saying. I get it!


Me: BH 34, Her: FWW 32
Married 11 years
3rd & Final DDay: Dec 20, 2009

"Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be different"


Posts: 873 | Registered: May 2010 | From: BC - Canada
wonderwhy
♀ Member
Member # 32392
Frustrated  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Easy,

First off I want to say that while this is my first post, I have been lurking here for almost two years, and I have been following your story. I think that you are so brave. Your story is one that has really given me the courage to start posting. I will post my story soon.

My husband was diagnose BP several years ago, but neither of us were ready to admit to it, that didn't happen until after the last affair. He has been on medication since then and is goes to see his Pdoc every month or so, but that doesn't stop the lying, and he has actually started some risky behaviors: drinking after years of absolutely not drinking and smoking pot. When I raise any kind of concern of course he goes right to calling my a control freak and accusing me of trying to micromanage his life. But, it's the lying that I am done with, and many times the stuff that he lies to me about is idiotic, but it sets off so many triggers in me. Which of course then he accuses me of emotionally blackmailing him to get my way. We can't win can we?

After a lie last Sunday, I told him that I don't want to do this anymore, that we are not just working, but he doesn't want to hear that. He thinks that it's okay for me to be upset for a couple of hours, but then I should just be over it and let life get back to normal, but nothing has been normal for the last two years. I don't think I even know what normal is.

How can someone insist to me that I am the only person in this world who understands him and that I am the only one who can help him, and then turn around and accuse me of trying to make his life miserable?

I would never wish this on anyone, ever.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: OH
Cannon
♂ Member
Member # 32440
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, June 11th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys.

Just found this amazing site this week and this thread this morning.

I've been married to a BPWW for almost 11 years and we have three kids. Our marriage is in a world of trouble right now and has been for two years.

If you have a minute, can you go to the "Just Found Out" forum and look for my post? It's called "My Story (long)". I'd like to know if any of you recognize my WW"s behavior as being a result of her BP disorder.

Thanks!


Me - BH, 41
Her - Bi-polar WW, 41

Status: Divorced and relieved


Posts: 127 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: .
EasyDoesIt
♀ Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, June 11th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can someone insist to me that I am the only person in this world who understands him and that I am the only one who can help him, and then turn around and accuse me of trying to make his life miserable?

I would never wish this on anyone, ever.

They have to have an object of hostility. It sounds like you're the unlucky one who gets that title.

They believe that they're safe in abusing us because we've put up with so much shit already, we have a nice history of tolerating it. They're comfortable with it. We're forgiving, we fix the messes, we try to move forward.

We're enablers and we don't mean to be. That's part of why I've decided to go to AA or AlAnon...I need to learn how to stop these self-destructive behaviors. Like magnets are drawn to their opposites, we who fix things tend to be drawn to those who need fixing.

It's a pattern. We know the rules (even though they keep changing). We adjust and change with them. We stick our fingers in the holes busting through the dam. We make excuses to their supervisors and families for their shortcomings, we fix we fix we fix.

And we do it because we really care but we also do it because we have very unhealthy patterns of dealing with people. A lot of us seem to find it hard to say, "No."


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3655 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
heart_in_a_blend
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Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, June 11th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The hardest thing in the world is to set boundaries on family members.

It took me a 60 years to learn what I think I should have been taught as a child.

Finally, after reading Boundaries and taking a class on it I was able to deal with my sister.

I know this is a thread about spouses, but I'm still learning a lot about dealing with people just by reading in here.

I still have so much guilt associated with my sister's death and reading in here makes me realize just what was happening to me.

So I hope that no one cares if I post in here.


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
EasyDoesIt
♀ Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, June 12th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I hope that no one cares if I post in here.

You have a lot to add and share, I'm glad you're here but I'm sorry for the reason. If you can draw strength and information from the experiences of the rest of us, or share your experiences with us and help us understand, of course no one would mind if you post here.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3655 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, June 18th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome and huge hugs, heart!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, June 20th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, my house is a huge storm of crazy. I can't even figure out which one of us is the stable one. 2 pdocs and 1 therapist have said it's me (god help us) but of course his therapist says it's him (but then again, *I*had to inform his therapist that WH was a WS about 1 1/2 years after WH started seeing the dude.) I'm behind at work, but it seems like a lot of BS's are. I'm permanently mad at WH (and now I read the object of hostility thing, great, so is it because he's a WS or because I'm batshit crazy?) WH has blown over $60K cash on his hobby this past year, and is on and off the alcohol/anger train... It's a clusterfuck, pardon my french. But, hey! Let's add in 4 small kids, why not?

Oh, and WH isn't bipolar, he's got mild depression (with sneaking drugs, at least 1 and probably 2 A's, alcohol, crazy spending, near mappable mood swings) no... he's got "good a lying to his IC." In classic fashion, he went to IC, got antidepressants, and then went off the deep end (though all those behaviors were there before, they just magnified.)

I'm going to Al-Anon to try to change the dynamic, but I'm also taking my pdoc's assertion that I'm well to heart, not out of denial, but because I am religious about taking my meds and going to therapy and I've been at this for 6 years now, so I think it makes sense that he's right.

Still, I've got to get me and the kids off the crazy train. Honestly, sometimes I think there might be a synergy to it. As in, we're both worse when we're together.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, June 21st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How awful!
I hope you can get off that Crazy Train soon.

((((huge hugs))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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