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User Topic: Married to a Bipolar
wonderwhy
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Member # 32392
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, June 25th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Js_girl,

I could have written your last two posts. My WH has decided that he is thinking clearly, and that he is taking his meds so he is fine. He just recontacted the OW after two years because he still has feelings for her, and that by disappearing from her life, he has enormous guilt for doing that. He tells me that he just needs to be her friend, but the tone of their texts and the number each day suggest otherwise. I am in the middle of my worst nightmare. She loves the attention and I think they both think this is their destiny. They worked together for a few months three years ago, and their affair was a matter of weeks. They don't even know each other. He has been back in contact for the past several weeks. He is not sleeping much, and is drinking every day. I feel so helpless, and so hopeless.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: OH
mistyalone
♀ New Member
Member # 35031
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, June 30th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wonderwhy
Where do you draw the line. I fought and fought and he might be stable now, but still thinks that I am telling him "what to do" by asking for what I need to R. If WS will not do what they need to do to keep you then it is time to move on, IMHO.
I am not sure in the A has gone underground, but I am starting to think that the EA's he is having with all of these so called friends is more damaging to this marriage than any A or ONS.
I think I really have to say that it is me or them. Then they can deal with the fall out.
If you are sure and can not live with WS's actions...it is time to move on for you.


Me BW 40 Him WS 44 Kids 15, 16
M 19 Together 21
Said he wants D 1/?/12
D-Day of EA 2/17/12 & 2006 ONS
Admit 3/15/12 5/21/12 Out of fog. FalseR. R 6/15/3/12. NC sent. Not sure what we are now... 6/22/12 wasted time? 8/14/12
9/08/12 R maybe

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: mistyalone
mistyalone
♀ New Member
Member # 35031
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HELP, again we are not communicating. He thinks that he should have felt something for me by now and has no patience and still has no compassion or empathy for me. He compliments others and has worries about them and gets irate when I "name-call" his so called friends that assisted him in carrying on with his whore. Now I am a bad guy again....I am so tired of this bull...
What am I doing wrong? I made all the changes that he needed and I only asked for one (that I be his one and only). I can not sleep, I do not really eat and I feel so lost...I can not mention my feelings cause that starts it all over again. Where do I draw the line?


Me BW 40 Him WS 44 Kids 15, 16
M 19 Together 21
Said he wants D 1/?/12
D-Day of EA 2/17/12 & 2006 ONS
Admit 3/15/12 5/21/12 Out of fog. FalseR. R 6/15/3/12. NC sent. Not sure what we are now... 6/22/12 wasted time? 8/14/12
9/08/12 R maybe

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: mistyalone
wonderwhy
♀ Member
Member # 32392
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, July 12th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey misty,
I just want you to know you have been heard, and I am sorry that you are going through so much turmoil right now. My WH has again seen the light concerning the OW and is recognizing her serious issues, but I know she is still in his head. He says though that he will get over it, yeah until the next time right? He has decided though that he needs a clean start and wants to move to another state and take a job for half the pay he is making now, and no insurance. He is supposed to leave in a month. It is such a roller coaster isn't it?

I am going to let him go, but it means losing our house, and me staying here. I absolutely love this man, but I will not follow him without watching out for myself.

You nailed it when you said there is no empathy. We had aright of sorts because of the amount of attention and for him buying gifts for the OW (some songs, but still), and a birthday present for a girl he works with who has been "helping him" figure out what he should do concerning the OW. I was hurt because there are no such gestures for me. We always end up making their life miserable don't we? Everything that is wrong becomes our fault somehow.

Where do you draw the line? I don't know the answer.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: OH
whatashame90
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Member # 34772
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, August 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I have posted my story and updates along the way since DD # Who Knows back in February. I wont bore everyone with telling it all over again aside from stating that of course, my story of being married to a Bipolar wife isn't much differnt than anyone else's heartbreaking stories here:

- rampant infidelity (prior to DX and meds); EA's, PA's, exhibisionism, sex with strangers with the belief thereafter of "True Love" until caught (of course)
- 3 young children
- Mood swings galore
- major depressive episodes
- ADHD
- alcohol and drug abuse
- many empty promises

etc., so on and so forth, you get the sad, sad point.

Question here is, does anyone here feel or believe (leave HOPE out of the equation on this one, please) that their WWS's can or will ever be able to control their hypersexuality or implulsivities enough to remain faithful the remainder of their days to us? i have my inherent fears and serious doubts based on the theory that to predict the future one only needs to read the past. Meds or not, I cannot help but feel like the chemistry flaws in their minds will inevitably misfire again at some point in time (probably when we least expect it and left our guard down once again and are entirely vulnerable out of love for them) and they will once again self destruct in a sexual manner.

Am I totally wrong here? Of course I HOPE I am wrong but what are your thoughts to their capability to remain true?


ME-BH (40)
HER-WW (30)
Married 5 years, together 8 years
3 Kids, all boys, 6, 3 and 1.
DDay #1 - 4/09 EA and PA with coworker
DDay #2 - 6/10 (Nude pics to 2 men)
DDay #3 2/12 gave a stranger a blowjob in a parking lot
DDay #4 3/12 nude pics to OM1

Posts: 87 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: michigan
wonderwhy
♀ Member
Member # 32392
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, August 26th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey whatashame,

Just wanted to let you know you were heard. I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer. I think each case is different. I think it is possible. My WH just came down off the worst manic episode of his life. He contacted OW for the first time in two years, hundreds of texts, some emails and a couple phone calls, but he never went to see her. He has since changed his meds which seems to be helping. The doctor put him on lithium. He is remorseful and attentive. Only you can decide if the chance that your spouse MIGHT cheat is too much for you to stay.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: OH
whatashame90
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Member # 34772
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, WonderWhy...

I question that too. Her cycling is sessional and every Feb/March is when she has derailed and started new affairs, so this coming Winter will be very stressful and telling to me of the direction things are headed, that is assuming I can stay in this much longer at all considering the damage she has done to me emotionally.


ME-BH (40)
HER-WW (30)
Married 5 years, together 8 years
3 Kids, all boys, 6, 3 and 1.
DDay #1 - 4/09 EA and PA with coworker
DDay #2 - 6/10 (Nude pics to 2 men)
DDay #3 2/12 gave a stranger a blowjob in a parking lot
DDay #4 3/12 nude pics to OM1

Posts: 87 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: michigan
wonderwhy
♀ Member
Member # 32392
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, September 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey whatashame,

Just checking in to see how things are going. I had a small meltdown the other day. My H has a hard time understanding that sometimes I feel the weight of all of this and it is hard. He said something to me the other day about how he didn't want to have to worry about me, because I was supposed to be the one to worry. It wasn't said in a mean way, and he wasn't trying to say that he didn't care about me, but it just hit me that this is how it will always be. I will always be the one to worry, and I will always be the one to be the support system.

It is so hard and like you said about the coming winter and wondering when the mania will start again is excruciating. My H seems to think that being on lithium will keep this from happening, and maybe it won't, but only as long as he will stay on the meds, so it is a wait and see for me too.

His OW now has his cell number, his personal emails, and knows where he works thanks to this summer's manic episode. Things have calmed down on that front, as he sees her now in a more realistic way, and not as his soulmate. He swears that he will never feel that way about her again, but it remains to be seen. When the manic comes all bets are off so to speak!


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: OH
Keepbreathing5
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Member # 36534
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been scrolling through this topic off and on since I joined SI but I haven't posted anything yet. My WSO was diagnosed with bipolar 1 just days after dday.

Reading through these stories it seems like there are many bipolar spouses who continue to put you through the pain of EA/PA among other destructive issues. I am wondering: can you have a normal, happy relationship with someone who is bipolar? I know if they are unmedicated the answer is no... So I'm asking more about once they are medicated. And even then, I know there is a serious problem with them stopping their medication: how do you combat that/can you even?

Basically, to sum it up - is there ever really hope if your partner is bipolar?


BSO (me): 24
WSO (him): 27 (cheaterSteve05)
Engaged 1.5 years, Together 6 years
EA: ~4 months/ PA: ~2 months with MOW (coworker)

Posts: 64 | Registered: Aug 2012
wonderwhy
♀ Member
Member # 32392
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think there is hope but it depends on many factors. My WH had the worst manic episode of his life thus far this past spring and summer. He contacted the OW and basically made my life a living hell for a month, but he never saw her. He told me basically that he loved her, and thought she was his soulmate, and that he couldn't just cut her out his life. This was a woman who in the midst of their affair fed his mania with adderall, and then when he crashed told him to kill himself repeatedly. Nice, huh?

During all of this though he maintained contact with me, was nice to me, and asked for my help. When he finally recognized it for the mania it was, he cut her out of his life, and has repeatedly told me that he would probably be dead without me.

I have been with this man for almost thirty years married for almost twenty-four of them, and the really bad BP stuff didn't start until about ten years ago. And he didn't cheat until three years ago. I don't know what I would do without him.

If all of this had started sooner I would have probably reconsidered the whole thing and written him off, but that is not my case. My WH started lithium, and he says that for the first time he an tell that his meds are working. Time will tell if this holds up. I am dreading the return of spring, but we shall see.

When he is not manic, he is so worth being with. He is smart, funny, and really nice. We do everything together, and I can truly say he is my best friend. I for one am hoping for a success story, but I have also seen enough to know that if I have to save myself, I will.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: OH
Keepbreathing5
♀ Member
Member # 36534
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonderwhy - wow, what kind of person would try to get someone to kill themself? I am very new to this so I have a few questions if you don't mind....

You say that she fed his mania by giving him adderal? I didn't know that was a trigger for mania...what other types of triggers do you have to watch out for?

I have seen it mentioned a few times that spring/summer seem to be worse...why is this?

Finally, when my WSO is stable or even close to stable (on either end of the scale) life is amazing. It's like being in the happiest, cheesiest love story. But then something like a gambling binge happens or this damn A and it clearly tries to set itself up as a candidate for worst relationship. Is this generally how bipolar relationships work? And is the aforementioned good the Reason we stay?


BSO (me): 24
WSO (him): 27 (cheaterSteve05)
Engaged 1.5 years, Together 6 years
EA: ~4 months/ PA: ~2 months with MOW (coworker)

Posts: 64 | Registered: Aug 2012
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

drinking and meds do not mix!
i'd stand right next to wh when he took his meds to be certain that he was taking them.

spring/summer was always a big trigger but he made my life a living hell during xmas holidays, too. however, this was pre-meds.

i see him posting on other sites under a zillion handles and his 'friends' are him as well.
he has a very distinctive way w/ words, etc.
I KNOW IT IS WH and he decided 5 years ago he no longer needed his meds so he is off his rocker.

he has also posted that he is not straight, bi, gay....he is pan sexual....

so glad i moved away.

am ecstatic we are getting divorced.

he is not the man for me.

big hugs to all and good luck.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
whatashame90
♂ Member
Member # 34772
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, September 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading through these stories it seems like there are many bipolar spouses who continue to put you through the pain of EA/PA among other destructive issues. I am wondering: can you have a normal, happy relationship with someone who is bipolar? I know if they are unmedicated the answer is no... So I'm asking more about once they are medicated. And even then, I know there is a serious problem with them stopping their medication: how do you combat that/can you even?

That's a hard call, really. Now that my WW is/has been diagnosed and medicated for about five months (seven months out from DDay), life has become far, far better in terms of fidelity and overall trust.

However, she still has BIG issues with spending, starting projects that don't see completion, still needing a new fix in terms of excitement and/or fullfillment, etc., as well as the inherent selfish tendencies many bipolar people have.

She can be very sweet, very loving, very attentive...but I think those are at times she really sets her mind to it. It's alomost as if she is medicated and battling against her own nature. which is scary and saddening to say the least.

Is there Hope? I Hope so. Given my WW's now admitted history to having never been faithful to any person she has been with in her entire life, it is a very hard sell for me to believe that a combination of three daily pills and talk therapy will ever be enough to change the demon that resides in her mind that is always screaming to get out and wreak havoc.


ME-BH (40)
HER-WW (30)
Married 5 years, together 8 years
3 Kids, all boys, 6, 3 and 1.
DDay #1 - 4/09 EA and PA with coworker
DDay #2 - 6/10 (Nude pics to 2 men)
DDay #3 2/12 gave a stranger a blowjob in a parking lot
DDay #4 3/12 nude pics to OM1

Posts: 87 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: michigan
starting
♀ New Member
Member # 36647
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was diagnosed with BPD years ago. Having been undiagnosed for most of our marriage, I'm not sure who suffers more. Patient or family. My WH watched helplessly for so long as i, the person he loved just sort of "left" his life. Last October I discovered the affair he was having with a co-worker. Looking back I can see how a spouse needed to seek emotion from someone else. My only argument is, being bi-polar is not a choice. Allowing yourself to look for,peruse and enjoy someone other than your spouse IS a choice!

Posts: 11 | Registered: Aug 2012
wreck3d
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Member # 36536
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, October 15th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really just need to get this out of my head, but if anyone has any words of advice I would welcome it.

My WW was diagnosed as bipolar with depression about a 4-5 weeks ago while participating in an intensive outpatient therapy program at our local hospital (due to suicidal thoughts). WW has been on effexor for years, and they tried to add abilify. That caused sleep/appetite issues, so they took her off that and added wellbutrin.

I noticed that WW seemed to be a little too 'high' and I was uncomfortable with the meds. WW of course didn't listen to me and that led to another crash and thoughts of driving into a semi. WW finally switched psychiatrists (as a part of this therapy program) and he added geodon. Oh, she is also on ridilin for ADD.

WW has been on the geodon for about 2 weeks now and while she has been ok, her 'effectiveness' around the house has dropped off dramatically. She had been doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc at a level I've never seen out of her. Now she's back to pinterest and shopping and making crafts. I've also noticed that her emotions are pretty much deadened.

We've basically had to stop talking about anything 'serious' because it sets her off. There have been 4 suicidal days and 5 days where she's just given up and decided I'd never get over it and we should D in the past 9 weeks. There would be more, but like I said, we've not been talking. The rest of the time, WW's trying hard and is trying to be loving and wants me to accept her efforts ,but I just haven't been able to.

She has been breaking out with some sort of rash and at first she thought it had to do with fish oil or a memory supplement she started taking. Since she switched those, she's had it less frequently. Last week I took her to the ER because she thought she was having a heart attack. EKG and blood work were normal so they thought it was maybe esophogeal spasms. Yesterday she had the shakes all day. Then last night we started talking a little bit and she headed right down that same path of not being able to handle it. Started complaining that she can't have caffeine or alcohol so she was going to go get a pack of cigarettes. She's never had one in her life and has zero interest in smoking...it was just one of those things that didn't make any sense. Then she's back to asking how long it takes to R or at least start to try to R (because she's tired of how long it's taking). Then she's bashing my support again. She's scared of this website (she knows I got ONE private message from a female..which I let her read..but she's scared of it). She hates the emails I've been sending back and forth to members of a BAN group. There is a new BAN group starting in my area and she's giving me trouble about emails I've been sending to the lady starting that group. WW is jealous and threatened by everyone these days. It seems like everywhere we go she sees someone checking me out. I stared and smiled at a pregnant young girl coming out of a restaurant because she looked so happy and WW was threatened by that. She sure didn't think much of me before, but now suddenly she's jealous of everything.

To be fair, since D-Day I have purchased a zipper binder that I have a lock on and keep my journal in there. I have changed the password on my email account and cell phone. The stuff that I'm pouring out of my heart right now is not stuff I want her sneaking around and reading. I will give her that information when I'm ready, and more importantly, at a time when I think she can handle it. When she has wanted to drive into trains and semis on multiple occasions, I think I'm right to be the one who guides/controls what we talk about and when we talk about it.

It is just so tiring to have her think we need to communicate more, but then when we do she 'loses it'. While we are talking (like last night) she will say she's doing much better, then she will say she knows something isn't right with her, then she's back to being much better, and then there is something wrong, on and on. She uses each one to defend herself and as it suits her. She wants to think she is so much better after the therapy (ended on Friday) and I don't want to tell her she isn't.....but ummm, she isn't. She may be feeling better about herself and all that, but last night tells me otherwise and we could both see it coming for about 4 days before that. It all just looks way too familiar to me. She was supposed to schedule an appointment with the psychiatrist before leaving the program. I found out last night she forgot to do that. I suppose that means that it'll be 4 or 5 weeks before she can get an appointment.

I'm scared to death to not be with her, I'm scared to hurt my kids, I'm scared of living on my own, I'm scared to think about starting over with someone else. On the other side, I haven't healed an ounce. I am still just disgusted and sick. I haven't been able to show affection at all. I've stopped cringing at her touch for the most part, but I can't initiate it. It isn't an act, I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to be disgusted by my W. I guess this relates back to me not having healed at all. I don't know if I ever can. I guess I think I can get get back on my feet, but I don't have any confidence in getting the relationship back where it needs to be.

Sorry this is so long, just needed to let it out. I'm thinking we've got to try something different as far as medication goes. I know it will be a long, difficult, painful journey trying to find the right combination for her. What makes it so damn hard is that she can't see what I see. When she is having an 'episode', she always has an excuse for it. She refuses to hear me say that I've noticed it coming for days before hand. I've been able to predict her crashes for years. How in the world do I start healing when we can't even talk about anything. Unfortunately, I'm one who feels like he needs to hear a large portion of the story before I can start getting better. Instead I've gotten a detailed false story, then TT has slowly been twisting and changing the story and now I feel like I only have a brief outline. The starting date of the A keeps changing (from late Feb to middle of Jan to between Xmas and New Years) and last night she took the first step (by forgetting what her previous lies were) in admitting some inappropriate things were happening before that. She made the mistake of saying the emails I'm sending are wrong because her A started innocently. Up to that point, she had zero clue he was interested in her and when he told her he was BAM the A started. Last night I hear there were some emails he sent that seemed 'strange' to her at the time. Umm, we needed to talk about that. It's called boundaries. She shut down and wouldn't give me anything more. I can see the damn phone calls starting in November so I know the truth. I've known it for 2 months and she just can't give it to me. I'm not saying the A started then, but stuff started getting inappropriate then. Just friggin tell me that. This is just one of several things I know I'm not getting the truth on, so I don't know how to consider R with someone who can't be honest. Add on top that I can't push her for the information or she'll fly off the handle and things just feel impossible.

The really sad part is that WW thinks she's doing better and says she thinks I'm doing better. No, I'm suppressing everything and we aren't talking about things that trigger her. She wants to go to MC. Is someone in my shape ready for that? I don't know what to say my goal is because I don't have a clue. Is it really worth the time if she still isn't stable? She does really well outside of the house so maybe she could keep it together in that setting, I have no idea. On the other hand, she doesn't have a friend in the world that knows 10% of her issues and she's admitted to not even being able to open up to past therapists, so I have no idea. I guess I'd be there to get the real story out. She's freaked out that people will find out she was in an intensive therapy program. That tells you how scared she would be for them to find out about the A. Also gives insight into why she won't give me the truth. She's got this self preservation thing ingrained in her. She'd rather live a lie than have anyone see the truth.

Ok, I'm done typing, I swear. I've been dumping a lot in this post and I hope I didn't cross the 'no venting' line too badly. :)


BS(me)36
WW 34
3 DDs..11,10,8
M: July 1998
D-Day: August 9,2012

Posts: 75 | Registered: Aug 2012
Rollercoaster
Member
Member # 1298
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, October 15th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just have to say the title of this thread is just WRONG.

It should read "Married to a PERSON "with" Bipolar DISORDER. Separate the PERSON from the DISORDER.

You wouldn't say " Married to a CANCER" would you?

Thanks!


Me BS 53, WS 53
Reconciling(ed!)

Posts: 4056 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: California
whatashame90
♂ Member
Member # 34772
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, October 15th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi wreck3d.

As is the title of this forum, I can relate. Completely. So much so that I could quote and respond to nearly every sentence you wrote with a comparison of my own that closely mimics your situation. So instead of doing that, let me just say that you are validated and heard in your struggles with this shitty disease and the frustrating and hurtful manifestations it rears it’s disgusting head in (infidelity being an almost hallmark trait, if you hadn’t already heard..which I am SURE you have).
I guess the important thing right now is to address some of the big outstanding issues in this picture right now.
1. YOU. You need to get yourself started on the road to personal recovery so that you can begin sorting through all the negative and painful emotions that have been thrust upon you. You need to get into IC, and yes I think MC would be a great thing for you as well so that you can start to pick away at the layers of shit your WW has as a couple (for now at least).
2. You say that you are very afraid to leave her, but that you can’t stand being near her and cannot be intimate with her. Again, HIGHLY understandable. It also sounds like a very codependent situation, which also is understandable and predictable (I swim in the same pool of shit, just in a different backyard). You need to address that issue in IC.
3. Your WW doesn’t seem stable, at least not consistently. But that is the nature of the bipolar beast, and something she needs to own and address with her Pdoc. Is she on a mood stabilizer like Lamictal or Lithium? My WW is BP2 and ADHD (with comorbid alcoholism to boot), and takes Wellbutrin and Vyvanse in the mornings (both of which scare me because that combo can propel her into mania, and I truly believe she airs on the side of manic most days with her multiple projects that start but never finish, constant on the go attitude, inability to really be intimate beyond the act of sex itself, inability to really focus her emotions and to have “deep” conversations about how our lives have been affected by her A’s without going into a depressed tailspin…sound familiar yet?), and then she takes a high dosage of Lamictal before bed which is supposed to ‘stabilize” her overall mood throughout the next day. Do I believe it all works properly? I don’t know honestly. She’s stayed sober for seven months now, and without the self medication, she sure is a different person with a lot of wild and out of control thinking patterns. I think meds are meant to just kind of mute it all out a bit.

I think your wife has not found the right cocktail of meds yet for her situation, but even when and if she does, what you see I think is what you get, which brings me to the next point;

4. You need to decide for You if this is something you can continue with throughout the rest of your life. Bipolar will not go away. Ever. She will ride the rollercoaster, albeit less severely and frequently when her meds get right, for the rest of her life. Add that to the devastation she caused you with her adultery, and her unwillingness to open up to the Absolute Truth and become entirely vulnerable with you, and well, that is a whole shitload to handle my friend, for both you and for her. Understand that she now carries a label in her head for what she is aside from being a cheat: she now also has a SEVERE MENTAL ILLNESS. Most anyone would not be comfortable or happy in their own skin knowing that their brain is damaged and can never be fixed; that they are different than you and I (us, “Normals”), that their dysfunctional thinking patterns make perfect sense to them and only to them (run out and cheat on my spouse? Why not>?! It sounds like a great idea to me…right now..), etc.

Remember, nothing is normal for them. Nothing. Everyday little things that you and I wopuldn’t think twice about can become monumental disasters in their minds (my WW has contemplated suicide many, many times over trivial life events, and she is a medical professional! Wanna talk crazy???), and on the flip side, monstrous acts like infidelity can become addictive forms of self medication for them and they see no wrong with it (until they are caught, of course). It is in many ways like dealing with a person that has the emotional capacity of a three year old. See it, want it, do it, so what? But then you snap them “out of it” for a while and you find yourself with the person you fell madly in love with and you want to believe that everything will be fine from now on. But it wont. Ever. The disease will make sure of it. So you will need to decide if you can handle that ride and for how long without sacrificing yourself to it.

Much easier said than done, I know.


ME-BH (40)
HER-WW (30)
Married 5 years, together 8 years
3 Kids, all boys, 6, 3 and 1.
DDay #1 - 4/09 EA and PA with coworker
DDay #2 - 6/10 (Nude pics to 2 men)
DDay #3 2/12 gave a stranger a blowjob in a parking lot
DDay #4 3/12 nude pics to OM1

Posts: 87 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: michigan
wreck3d
♂ Member
Member # 36536
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, October 15th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, all I can say is thank you. I'm going to spend some time digesting what you said.

It feels bad saying that sometimes it is like dealing with a 3 year old, but I've thought it many times before. We seem to reach that point over and over when she suddenly needs a new house, then suddenly we should stay put, then we need to work on our house to put it on the market...then when the work begins, she crashes, I get stuck with all the work and nothing ever gets finished. Then she's depressed that we don't finish projects. Such a horrible cycle. I won't even get into the business ideas she's started (mostly through dozens and dozens of hours of work from me)...only to crash and completely give up on them.

I just keep saying I need to give it more time to see if things change. I guess I know it isn't likely but don't want to accept it. It's funny that one of the things she remembers me saying before she started the A (and apparently used it as fuel to make it seem 'ok' to do it) was that I felt like I couldn't be myself and fully be happy a lot of days because I knew that the next day she was likely to disappear on me and leave me with the kids (or worse, get mean again). It was/is just so true though. Every time she seemed great and 'doing better' it was just a lull before the next storm. I see how that slowly led to me fearing to be open with her and give her my full affection (let alone the resentment that built up and never getting any real recognition). I see it, but the only thing I can think is that I'm just not a good enough person to show all this affection to someone who chooses herself over me (and the kids) repeatedly.

If nothing else, her actions of the last x number of years make a lot more sense now. Maybe I just need to stop thinking more time is what I need (and stalling) and start really trying to decide if I can handle this for the rest of my life. I just get hung up thinking what may be better for me is to give up everything I know and have built for 20 years. I've been so damn good at picking up her slack and making excuses for her and loving her anyway (she might not agree because I wasn't affectionate enough, but damn it I loved her to a fault). I know that is what everyone says, but it is so damn hard to even think about...even with the larger part of my brain saying I just can't stand the disgusting thing she has done with the A. Codependency anyone? I still need to wrap my head around exactly what that is and I know there are a lot of threads and books about that. I'm in IC and I think my therapist is hammering on this but she hasn't used that term. She keeps telling me not to settle and not to make my decisions based on fear. Well, I'm definitely scared so I'm not there yet.

Thanks again. I really appreciate your input.


BS(me)36
WW 34
3 DDs..11,10,8
M: July 1998
D-Day: August 9,2012

Posts: 75 | Registered: Aug 2012
whatashame90
♂ Member
Member # 34772
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, October 15th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It feels bad saying that sometimes it is like dealing with a 3 year old, but I've thought it many times before. We seem to reach that point over and over when she suddenly needs a new house, then suddenly we should stay put, then we need to work on our house to put it on the market...then when the work begins, she crashes, I get stuck with all the work and nothing ever gets finished. Then she's depressed that we don't finish projects. Such a horrible cycle. I won't even get into the business ideas she's started (mostly through dozens and dozens of hours of work from me)...only to crash and completely give up on them.


Been down this path many times over as well throughout the years until my WW’s diagnosis in March after the final DDay (incidentally, did you know that many diagnosis’s come after a major crisis like an A? Most people never get diagnosed at all, but many do after they destroy their lives such as our WW’s did). Let’s see, two new homes, new cars, new carpet, new paint, new dog, three kids (as the newness wore off the first, then we needed a second child, but that was a boy too, so we MUST try for a girl, etc. All the while, the “newness” of me, her loving and adoring H had worn off long before and she was always mentally and physically available and on the market if ANYONE showed her attention at all. And when I say anyone, I mean it. Man, woman, didn’t matter. She would do anything sexually for anyone that told her how attractive she was. I knw this first hand because once upon a time I was that “new” person, and I swore I had met a porn star in doctor’s clothing.


I just keep saying I need to give it more time to see if things change. I guess I know it isn't likely but don't want to accept it. It's funny that one of the things she remembers me saying before she started the A (and apparently used it as fuel to make it seem 'ok' to do it) was that I felt like I couldn't be myself and fully be happy a lot of days because I knew that the next day she was likely to disappear on me and leave me with the kids (or worse, get mean again). It was/is just so true though. Every time she seemed great and 'doing better' it was just a lull before the next storm. I see how that slowly led to me fearing to be open with her and give her my full affection (let alone the resentment that built up and never getting any real recognition). I see it, but the only thing I can think is that I'm just not a good enough person to show all this affection to someone who chooses herself over me (and the kids) repeatedly.


Here’s the thing…and I mean it..and you NEED to read it, hear it, believe it and be prepared to live it: MOST of the tings will not change. The things that can and or will change will be all on her, with NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. You cannot coerce her, force her, beg her, manipulate her or love her into anything lasting or meaningful. She has to do that, and it wont be easy. Her first obstacle is letting her guard completely down and being honest with herself and then with you. It sounds like she has a long way to go in that area, and I promise you that you can count on nothing but the same old plate of dogshit for dinner until that bridge is crossed. The best you can hope for long term is continued and sustained fidelity, but even that is no guarantee if her meds fail her, or more likely, she fails them by not staying the lifetime course of her treatment program. A very large majority of bipolar people fall off the treatment wagon for the more thrilling and mania inducing ride of mania and self medication. It’s just a fact. Not to say that your wife will fall into that category, but take a hard look at where she is at right now and decide for yourself if she is ready for the lion’s share of the workload since she owns this.


If nothing else, her actions of the last x number of years make a lot more sense now. Maybe I just need to stop thinking more time is what I need (and stalling) and start really trying to decide if I can handle this for the rest of my life. I just get hung up thinking what may be better for me is to give up everything I know and have built for 20 years. I've been so damn good at picking up her slack and making excuses for her and loving her anyway (she might not agree because I wasn't affectionate enough, but damn it I loved her to a fault). I know that is what everyone says, but it is so damn hard to even think about...even with the larger part of my brain saying I just can't stand the disgusting thing she has done with the A. Codependency anyone? I still need to wrap my head around exactly what that is and I know there are a lot of threads and books about that. I'm in IC and I think my therapist is hammering on this but she hasn't used that term. She keeps telling me not to settle and not to make my decisions based on fear. Well, I'm definitely scared so I'm not there yet.

Man, my heart goes out to you here and breaks at the same time because fuck all if I don’t know and feel exactly the same way. In my case, though, my WW has taken full accountability for her disasters, shows remorse (as best a bipolar person can, and I assure you, it isn’t what us Normal’s consider an ideal situation that helps US heal…but again, healing is OUR problem, not theirs. To give them that power and responsibility is continued codependency), has stayed sober, goes weekly to IC, bi-weekly to her Pdoc, stays pretty religious to her medications, has been transparent (again, as much as a person that hides in her own mind from herself can be), etc. That is my reality and you’d think it would make me better, but it doesn’t. I struggle. Many days I secretly hate her. Sex with her used to be so meaningful to me, so I objectify her and imagine I’m either fucking someone else or that I am one of her AP’s railing her. Sick, I know. But that is one manifestation of my pain. I own that, even if she put it there for me.

Her diagnosis explained most everything to me as well. I read so many articles, so many books, websites, etc. about Bipolar Disorder that you would’ve thought I was preparing a master’s thesis. It made me feel better for so long, and then that relief faded and I was left with the same WW, having done the same destructive shit to our M.

Your IC is leading you to the path of self discovery in regard to codependency. You’re in fear right now because of codependency. That’s ok. It is more common and natural that you’d think. Living with a bipolar person is much like living with an alcoholic or drug addict or sex addict. In fact, many times you ARE living with all three of those things on top of the mental illness, because those are the things the illness craves. Codependency goes hand in hand with it all when you are the well-partner trying to make sense of it all, trying to fix it, trying to love it away and you just can’t.

Dude, I get it. Completely. Sadly and pathetically, I fully understand. My IC forsees me walking away one day too, and it doesn’t scare me nearly as much as it just crushes me. My family..my wife, my kids, my marriage, my life….gone. Nothing I did to cause it, nothing I could do to stop it. All I have left with is finding out the reasons why I chose my WW as my partner. Doesn’t matter that I “didn’t see it”, because somewhere deep inside I did see it, I craved it, I wanted it and I got it. You’ll be faced with the same things when you’re ready to really do your work.


ME-BH (40)
HER-WW (30)
Married 5 years, together 8 years
3 Kids, all boys, 6, 3 and 1.
DDay #1 - 4/09 EA and PA with coworker
DDay #2 - 6/10 (Nude pics to 2 men)
DDay #3 2/12 gave a stranger a blowjob in a parking lot
DDay #4 3/12 nude pics to OM1

Posts: 87 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: michigan
Keepbreathing5
♀ Member
Member # 36534
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TMI question and I apologize in advance - my fWSO has been working on finding the right dosage of lithium for his bipolar. The psychiatrist has also put him on xanax. He just had his dosage increased about 2 weeks ago and for the past week he's had some impotence issues (maintaining more than achieving). His libido does significantly decrease when he's in a depressive phase, but it's never been an impotence problem (also he says he doesn't feel depressed now). Is this likely a psychological thing? A bipolar thing? Has anyone experienced something like this?


BSO (me): 24
WSO (him): 27 (cheaterSteve05)
Engaged 1.5 years, Together 6 years
EA: ~4 months/ PA: ~2 months with MOW (coworker)

Posts: 64 | Registered: Aug 2012
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