It seems most of the psych meds wreak some degree of havoc with the patient as a sexual being: libido, ED, inability to climax, etc.
I don't specifically know about lithium, have you Google'd it? Why the xanax?
It's so hard to be dealing with the aftermath of infidelity with FWSO libido/performance issues thrown into the mix.
Here's my brief story...
About 10yrs ago I was diagnosed with BPD right after my husband had a PA. My youngest child was 2 1/2 and his affair crushed me emotionally. I went to the doctors and they never tested me for anything, just diagnosed and I started on meds. My H rugsweeped his whole affair. I was so depressed that I had a R ONS and he found out 7 years later. There wasnt much to tell of the ONS, but I told him all the details. The meds started to slowly make me withdraw from life. We still did family things, had fun, I loved him very much. After putting the pieces together after his current EA (I think it was a PA) Our M and his emotional cruelty towards me during his EA made sense. I have to admit that while on the meds I was somewhat withdrawn, tired ALL the time, sleeping alot, not really wanting to go anywhere or do anything. During the last few years of the meds. I BEGGED him to go to the doctors with me..kept telling him something wasnt right with me. I started pounding at least 3 energy drinks a day to get energy. Tried exercising, new jobs. I was trying to get back to the "old me" I felt lost and alone. Everytime I asked him for help he would tell me that doctors wernt his thing and I needed to go myself and get my scripts changed. I sent him emails, tried talking to him, asked him to go to marriage counseling..Nothing worked, he wanted nothing to do with helping me. I was so fed up with my life at that point. Our M was awful. So I weened myself off the meds and went through DT's (by myself) Thats when I found out about his EA. His reasoning was because he was "alone in the marriage" wtf...I asked him for help and he refused. This all happened 19 months ago. Im still off the meds. and I am perfectly fine, actually I'm back to my old self. I honestly believe that I never had BPD. It was a combo of grief over his PA and Postparum. So for the last 10+ years I was on meds for nothing. My question is...everyone here seems to be really helping there spouses through the BPD. Did I deserve him cheating on me again? Would any of you even consider an A because you feel lonely in the marriage? I feel like it is all my fault I was diagnosed incorrectly!! I thought I needed the meds, but it turns out I did not. My H makes me feel like his loneliness was all my fault because I was so withdrawn. I always tell him that I begged for you to help me and all you ever did was yell and scream at me that I couldnt get things done. IDK anymore...any thoughts??
Dday: March 2011 (found out EA Phone records)
2nd Dday: June 18, 2011 (OW told me about WH secret phone)
3rd Dday: December 13, 2012 (found evidence WH stalking Ow on FB)
4th Dday: February 4, 2013 (confession of 2nd secret
Married 14 years, together 17. Two kids together, boys age 9 and 10.
I never knew that something could be this painful and not kill you.
Yesterday I confronted my WW with evidence on the most recent PA and told her "My frst concern is for your safety. Second, we can no longer be married and no longer live together, here's why..." She is suicidal, and has been for a while. She has been getting IC for the BP for about 9 months now. The infidelity is not a hot topic in her IC, as there are larger issues that need more immediate attention.
I still care for the well being of my WW. How can you not help but care about someone who is sick and hope for their recovery? She is also still the mother of our children, and I hope she continues to be in their lives and her eventual grandchildrens' lives for a long time. Tonight she has told me that I was the rock that had tethered her sanity, and without me, all bets are off.
This is a classic rock and hard place problem. I don't have mental illness issues of my own, but seeing my WW get progressively worse gives me a great appreciation for how brutal this illness is. I don't doubt that the mood swings are extreme enough to instigate self-harm. On the other hand, I just can't be with a woman any more who can't keep other men out of our marriage. The violation, betrayal and physical grossness is just too much to bear.
One of her support group survivors has told her that 99% of marriages can't survive bi-polar, and that my WW should prepare for my eventual leaving. I hate to prove her right, as I thought I was stronger than this. But God damn if this isn't hard. My instinct to protect is in direct conflict with my instict to flee as fast as possible.
I'll admit that I have not read all 26 pages of this thread (although I cetainly will do so over time!), so there might already be some guidance in here.
Has anyone else found them selves in a similar situation?
Kids: 18 & 16
R for 17 months, turned out to be false R. Starting the D process.
During the A, he told me that he was BP but has always refused meds. He told me that he was suicidal but wouldn't do it because of our young kids.
It's a lot to take. I try to understand...but I can't because (at least I think) I'm emotionally healthy.
I, too, struggle with staying in this and trying to help or just walking away. My WH says he's not sure he wants to work it out but actions prove otherwise (he calls every day, escalates if I ignore him, etc.). It's a lot to deal with. On the one hand, I want to help him and can't imagine just wanting to walk away from a mentally ill person. On the other hand, he has to want to help himself, right? I'm strong but he makes me waver sometimes...and I don't want to be brought down with him. I doubt that would ever happen but, you know, I need to protect my sanity and that of my children.
It's a difficult road and I, personally, think I should divert and go another direction. But...I'm a fighter and it's a tough call. Anyway, you've been heard. :)
In particular, there is a post on page 21 by just_hurt that starts with this: "I am a husband. A Father. I am married. She is the mother of my Sons. She is my Wife. She has Bipolar Disorder."
It is an incredible message, and makes me cry every time I read it. I read it quite often.
My challenge is this: I want to forgive her, and indeed the brain in my head already realizes that the HBPD was probably at fault for her actions. My heart, however, is shattered. I don't know how to repair it, but I do know that it will never be the same. You can glue a fine piece of crystal back together after you break it, but it still has cracks in it afterwards. And sometimes little pieces are missing. And it is much easier to break again...
The BPD illness didn't become hypersexual right away. It expressed itself as her being quick to anger, lots of fights over stupid little stuff, that kind of thing. She was also highly productive and devoted to her family. Unfortunately, that turned hypersexual about the time she hit about 40, and led to various EAs and PAs. From my reading and research this is typical - it just gets worse at 40 or so. Just about the time you have 15 years of devotion and hard work put into a marriage, this fucking illness comes along with a vengeance to sabotage it. It didn't help that she was either unmedicated for most of this period, or only on an anti-depressant, which again, I now know only exacerbates manic episodes.
What I realize now is that HBPD is a medical disease. I am not saying that what she did is right, but I do acknowledge that this mental illness tricks her, and inhibited her judgement and decision making. She is in true remorse, is committed to her meds, and is in IC. The latter two were inconceivable as little as 6 months ago. I have realized that she has been suffering at the hands of this illness for our whole marriage - part of what attracted me to her was (in retrospect), the high-energy brought on by her mania. Her actions are not necessarily a reflection on me, but rather a result of the disease.
It still hurts deeper than any hurt I have ever felt.
My WH was diagnosed with BP in February this year. He is 55yrs old. I always thought BP was a long term illness?
WH says he had low mood most of his adult life. As a family we never suspected anything was wrong. Sometimes he would have quiet periods - he says he never knew anything was wrong with him and always felt it was just who he was
Even Dr. says he is very old to have such a severe Mania at his age without previous episodes ????
Subsequent to that, there is this cloud burst of shopping activity that he's going through and "we" aren't doing well financially, so this has bothered me constantly, but there's nothing I can do or say-he bites my head off if I try to talk about it.
He did many of these things that all of you write of and has been diagnosed with some other things, like the narcissism, which also helps me learn how to be when he appears for DD visits.
It's a real shame. His personality is drastically different-it's as if more than one person are in the same person's body and his appearance also changes from time to time. Heavy one time, thinner one time, gaunt or fine the next.
I am sad for him and have great pity in stronger minutes, because the OW he chose appears very, very juvenile and this supports the type of personality he's got now. He's like a kid in a grown up's body and only wants fun, so boy do I suck!, with all my rules and trying to do things the right way and not twice.
Here's another one-if you question him, he will bolt. Do any of you witness this, also? If you try to speak of it at all, he will mock and snicker and then bolt, too.
He's doing things he couldn't tolerate before or had real fears of and has rewritten our life in almost complete lies.
Some of these meds are scary, I've been on them for anxiety, so I will just say, be weary of side affects or of weaning off right away or without a doctor's ok.
I wish you all luck with a BPD person in your life-it's crazy making at it's finest and almost had me convinced I was going bezerk.
The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge