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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Married to a Bipolar
libbet_snider
♀ Member
Member # 11671
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was NOT irritable prior to the Lamictal, but the longer he's been on it and as the dose increases, the irritability started and is getting worse.
Seems to me that that is the problem.
He has never had severe mania, and doesn't even have Bipolar II, just the lesser form of cyclothymia....thank goodness that's it.
He was doing well on the low loading dose of Lamictal.

Thanks for the info on the psychopharmacology cert -- I will certainly check this out!!!


Me-BW, young 51 (mtn biker, skiboarder); FWH-48, 14+ yr EA(?)
Married-19 yrs; Kids-all 4-legged
DDay-2/21/06; And the lies just kept coming; Last (known) D-Day 04/07
Status-He's really trying. I have to accept that he's human, not perfect.

Posts: 194 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: mid-Amer.
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lili, he 'lost a softness & open honesty'...that is exactly what happened!
But, I also know he had this weird secrecy side about $/sex even the few years prior...what he showed me was...
"A Mask"...he's also NPD...it was all part of the N "costume".


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
libbet_snider
♀ Member
Member # 11671
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if it's ever possible to really know or be truly in a relationship with someone with a mood or personality disorder.
W/the BD, you never know which person you'll be around, and the messes the leave.....


Me-BW, young 51 (mtn biker, skiboarder); FWH-48, 14+ yr EA(?)
Married-19 yrs; Kids-all 4-legged
DDay-2/21/06; And the lies just kept coming; Last (known) D-Day 04/07
Status-He's really trying. I have to accept that he's human, not perfect.

Posts: 194 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: mid-Amer.
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Betrayed74
♀ Member
Member # 17058
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is possible to really know a person with a mood disorder--it just depends on the severity of the disorder, the willingness to comply with treatment and to do all one can to get and remain stable.

I have BPII and I'm an open book, very honest about the good and the bad and work like crazy to keep myself stable. He is BPI and he was/is a fucktard and led his double life, loved the secrecy and depravity and anything forbidden.

It just depends on the person.


Me: 34 BS
Him: 37 XWS

LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08


Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Colorado
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, January 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

74, yes.

The person's *CHARACTER*.

I keep asking myself...WHY...all the secrets...when he was so totally OPEN the first year or 2?

What made him decide to clam up?

Would appreciate ANY feed back on the secrecy aspect because it just ASTOUNDS me!

Its like he went from being a person who told me about compulsively masturbating as a young teen '4-5X daily...almost till it bled' & about a sexual harrassment charge at his job ...why tell me all of this back then & clam up about ordinary & every day life events??

I just DON"T GET IT, PEOPLE!!!!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
groundhogday
♀ Member
Member # 4212
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dreamlife, I'm just as confused about the secrecy as you are.

Before his crisis almost 5 years ago, he did tend to do some things secretly, but only due to superstition...ie if he told people he was doing something, like learning to drive, he might fail. That seemed logical, if perhaps a bit unusual, to me.

Since the crisis he's been super-secretive, and not just to me. Currently, his whereabouts are unknown (apparently it would break "the ground rules" to tell me where he is), and he's succeeded in breaking down contact between the groups that support him. Obviously there's a heap of paranoia in there. Also a need to have as much control of his life as possible, even when he's in an episode. Beyond that, I can't say. I'd love to know what he'd be like if he was medicated, but he's still resisting.

[This message edited by groundhogday at 7:21 AM, January 24th (Thursday)]


Me: BW
Whatever...it gets hard to explain the whole convoluted crappy story.

I love people...but inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that's where you renew your springs that never dry up.


Posts: 11530 | Registered: Apr 2004 | From: UK
Betrayed74
♀ Member
Member # 17058
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XWS told me 'I lie because I always get fucked when I tell the truth'. Ha! I told him that perhaps he should consider altering his behavior so that the truth wouldn't cause such trouble. Seems pretty easy to me.

Aside from protecting themselves from unwanted consequences, people can sure love their secrets--especially if it involves something pleasurable that they are not supposed to do--naughty stuff. And, since hypomania/mania are all too common in the BP (BPI in particular) they are driven to act impulsively and pleasure-seek without thought to the consequences. And if confronted, they lie. It's easier.

XWS finally gave me some info about his LTA. As to why her? He said it was opportunity. They spent time alone, she was single and older and she came on to him. Then as to why? He said it was his craziness, and his selfish pleasure-seeking behavior when in that state.

He said he felt guilty--but obviously not so guilty that it kept him from going back. But, if he truly was hypo/manic during those encounters, then he was only thinking about his d*ck and the insane drive to be sexually satisfied, made more attractive by the forbidden nature of his relationship with her.

I've experienced hypersexuality with hypomania--sex is ALL you can think about. Of course some people choose to control those impulses and some don't. And I don't know if it's character or if it's severity of illness or what.

So, there is a need for the secret because it protects them from consequences and there is a thrill in the secret when they are being naughty and getting what they want--when they know it's not right.

I don't know if this is all BP specific. I know others who delight in dirty little secrets who are supposed to be perfectly sane. But, there is surely that element in the BP.

I guess I was somewhat glad that XWS finally admitted that his 'craziness' played a large part of his cheating. But will he do anything about it? That remains to be seen.


Me: 34 BS
Him: 37 XWS

LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08


Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Colorado
libbet_snider
♀ Member
Member # 11671
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH's secretiveness seemed/seems to be more related to his alcoholism than his cyclothymia.
But he has been more willing to be honest since he's been on meds.
And, when he works his program he is more honest.
Hhmmm in retrospect, it does seem now like the meds had a deeper impact on reducing the secretiveness than his program, but the program gave him the means to be honest???


Me-BW, young 51 (mtn biker, skiboarder); FWH-48, 14+ yr EA(?)
Married-19 yrs; Kids-all 4-legged
DDay-2/21/06; And the lies just kept coming; Last (known) D-Day 04/07
Status-He's really trying. I have to accept that he's human, not perfect.

Posts: 194 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: mid-Amer.
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, January 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GHD~ Oh, I can relate to those "superstitions", et al.

I'm wondering if his meds induced this secrecy & paranoia.

Its incredible all the things he freely burbled out to me-- prior!!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Betrayed74
♀ Member
Member # 17058
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, January 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my experience, mania can result in behaviors that 'require' them to be secretive or it can also make them blab.

My XWS was very manic when we were breaking up (the first time he left me he was manic, too) and he told me all sorts of things that he never would have otherwise.


Me: 34 BS
Him: 37 XWS

LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08


Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Colorado
libbet_snider
♀ Member
Member # 11671
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As part of my FWH's treatment plan, I am to observe his daily moods/mood chart, go with him to his psychiatrist's appt's and report my observations.

I feel like I have a baby (that I didn't want).
I feel like a parent to my H instead of a lover.
I feel like this wasn't in my "job description."
I know it's in my best interests too to do this, but I resent and dislike it.
ANyone else?


Me-BW, young 51 (mtn biker, skiboarder); FWH-48, 14+ yr EA(?)
Married-19 yrs; Kids-all 4-legged
DDay-2/21/06; And the lies just kept coming; Last (known) D-Day 04/07
Status-He's really trying. I have to accept that he's human, not perfect.

Posts: 194 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: mid-Amer.
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Libbet~ Oh, I did ALL of that, too, an WH carried on online A's, turned his back on me for 8 months straight, lied, lied, lied...till I got sick of the turn my "job description" had taken & kicked him out on 9/06.

He has not stopped the lying...no remorse...n its over.

I wanted to ask if anyone ever felt they were going to just cut n run one day?

I got this weird feeling that WH was going to be the type of guy one hears/reads about..."Oh, I'm just going to the store for a carton of milk, or cigs, etc."

Then they disappear completely!

It happened to my XH's aunt...so I personally KNOW that this indeed happens n its not just a story from the newspapers.

WH was busily "romancing" me with flower deliveries, cards, letters, mails...but my gut still picked this up!

When I mentioned it several times to him, he assured me that he would never do such a thing, (much less "cheat" on me...yet he has done so numerous times!)

Just curious if anyone else here ever got that feeling they could not fully *trust*...that he/she was "flighty"?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
groundhogday
♀ Member
Member # 4212
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

libbet,
I would welcome this, but he's not allowing me to do it. I guess I'd help him if he had a physical illness, like cancer. I'd help him if he suffered from dementia. I feel I signed up for any of these things when I married him...for better or for worse.

It does change the dynamics though, and I know it doesn't suit everyone. But I'd hope someone would do it for me in the same circumstances. Obviously WH won't, because he's in denial that we're married right now.
Does it feel like you're intruding? It's hard (impossible?) to be a mind reader, and it's a lot of responsibility.


Me: BW
Whatever...it gets hard to explain the whole convoluted crappy story.

I love people...but inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that's where you renew your springs that never dry up.


Posts: 11530 | Registered: Apr 2004 | From: UK
groundhogday
♀ Member
Member # 4212
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dream
I trusted him implicitly until 2003. Now, he's a total mystery. He disappears, then pops up, and doesn't seem to see the weirdness in it.

He turned up today to do some tax paperwork, then sat here all afternoon and didn't do it. It was funny....it felt kind of normal, watching TV and youtube stuff together. Now he's gone and I probably won't see him for months.

I'm never able to anticipate anything that happens. It's always a surprise.

Kind of like The Time Traveler's Wife, in a way, except she knew he loved her, and I don't have a clue what's in his mind.


Me: BW
Whatever...it gets hard to explain the whole convoluted crappy story.

I love people...but inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that's where you renew your springs that never dry up.


Posts: 11530 | Registered: Apr 2004 | From: UK
lvmysens
♀ New Member
Member # 18028
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, February 2nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG I cried when I seen this thread!! I am only 2 weeks into knowing about my husband cheating with many different people. No affairs, just..
He goes on this pattern. He is happy, nothing can stop him, starts projects or business, or whatever his thought for that moment is. He expects me to join him in his adventures. His moods change in 6 months. I always know when his mood is changing and the break up will happen. I have yet to be wrong for the last 5 years. He was so gun hoe about buy a house, let's just say he decided he wanted to buy a house, in Feb, and we moved into this house Mar 7. And not even a get things ready, he had the truck all ready to go. He was happy because he had projects to do with the house. Build the kitchen (which didnt get done) then in Aug/Sept he had the famous "I'm not happy at my job" oh god here we go. Usually the sabatoge will begin with weeks. It did. He decided that he was going to get another job and moved to another city about 1.5 hours away, but this didn't help. Things got worse, he moved into his own apt Dec and I know the cheating was happening during that time. I don't believe that it was 1 person, more like a lot of people. He told me about the affairs, has been all over the map with what he wants. We don't have a bad marriage or relationship. He will say he is not happy with one breath, then change in mins later (seriously) He is severly depressed right now, and we are separated as of Sun. We are doing the NC with each other. That being we dont' see each other talk on the phone, but will message on MSN if needed. He even blocked me from his Facebook so I can't see him continue with his flirting and whatever. (I believe that stared the compulstion to do it with all his ex's incontact with him again) The dr has said he is bi polar, and what scares me is, I know that he will be depressed like this for a couple more months, then try to come back. I have taken some control as to say I inituated this separation and was all for it. I have been reading your posts on here, and wow did it ever hit home!! I am so new to this, both bi-polar, and the cheating. I have been left with the mess everytime he starts something I get stuck cleaning it up. I can't afford this house on my own, but as he started talking about selling it only 5 months after we moved it. He moves all the time!!It is so hard, and with addictions of all types I am feeling alittle better. I know this is an inside job, and I need to detach from him. I'm trying to find how. But with his bi-polar, at least I will know HOW to deal with him, not why I am.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Kingston
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:16 AM, February 2nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, lyv!

Your WH sounds like the classic bipolar. My WH has blocked me on aol's AIM so I can't see him either.
It almost makes me want to laugh, really. It ludicrous.
We are seperated (I kicked him out for lying compulsively, etc.)...there will be no R.

Its a chemical imbalance and he needs his meds (which he has stopped) so who knows what mischief he'll be up to soon? Well, I won't be there to catch him when he falls...been there n done that-- nearly went mad...time to save ME.

(((hugs))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, February 3rd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw WH at the store yesterday while conversing with a friend who also works there & knows that we r seperated.

He did not see me & I left shortly after & went to another store.

She thought it odd about his flashy prominent wedding band...
She told me she thinks he got a really BIG *promotion*!
He's never mentioned any of this...more paranoia about me "knowing" TOO MUCH of HIS personal business?
This is just Crazy!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, February 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night I was reading some of WH's e-mails from 02/03/04/05...gosh, it became SO apparent that he really is bipolar, no doubts about that in my mind now, & he mentions how "retiring" back in 03 was very upsetting. I agree. Its like he got untethered from a secure "anchor" & lifted up by a tornado & he's still whirling away.

And, YES...in the e-mails is also written documentation of his gross PARANOIA! I just did not see it then, but my GUT did feel funny as I read in my replies back to him.

Anyone here have a life-altering event like *retirement* affect their bipolar so adversely?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, February 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The death of my wife's father, followed six months later by my serious illness (encephalitic meningitis) is what really tipped my wife into mania the first time.

She'd always been bipolar (though we didn't know it), but all of her prior episodes had been depressive.

Her psychiatrist explained to me that any life stress can become a threshold event once the threshold is crossed the first time. Hell, studying for an exam in her nursing program can make her manic now (or at least it could before she started taking Lamictal).


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
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