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User Topic: False Reconcilation Thread
butifuldisaster
♀ Member
Member # 24089
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, July 25th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i've had way to many false R. they tore me up worse than the actualy As did. i mean how bad do you want to hurt me???? and things just keep popping up. i mean it's driving me nuts. are we in another false R? idk. my guts not going crazy yet.... that's really what tore up all the trust. if he would've cheated and then been honest afterwards, maybe it'd be better. maybe then the trust wouldn't be as damaged. then i'd at least know if i confronted him he'd be straight forward. but no!!!!! sometimes i wish i wouldve left him sooner before i got preggers. so therefore i couldve moved on. but SO has pulled his last excuse card for ME to stay and try. he f*cks up this time, he doesn't just lose me. but his dreams of having a one family household. cause i will not do that to my daughter. he wants to fake it now then he gets what he should've got in the first place. me leaving him


nothing is ever truly impossible

Posts: 635 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Arizona
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, July 26th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

one of the things about false R that sucks so much is that there is absolutely no trust left at all. not even about the small, ordinary, non-A related, day to day stuff. it doesn't matter if he can prove it or not, my instinct now is to not believe whatever comes out of WS's mouth.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 11991 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
StoryHour
♀ Member
Member # 19725
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, July 26th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have lived the past three years of my life in false R until January. He would always straighten up for a while, but would go back to his old behaviors and devastate me all over again.

While he was here, he called me and asked if there was anything I thought he should know, and it didn't hit me that he was fishing so I said no. Hindsight being what it is, he'd been dropping hints the whole time. As much as I miss him, as much as I do still deeply love him, I have to let him go and let fate have him. He has to want to "be the best man he can be" for HIMSELF, not for me, not for his son, not for that whore. Until he does that he's not going to change, and I have to let him go.

I sat down after that phone call and wrote him an email to that effect, also including what I actually think of his parents (because they play a HUGE role in why he is the way he is), why I behaved the way I did, what effect his behaviors have on me and my son, and why I could not attempt a 4th R and why the divorce had to proceed. I closed it by saying that if my words make him take action now, or even five years from now, that we would not have been for nothing.

I miss him every day, I still deeply love him, but I have to walk away to save myself.


Posts: 2022 | Registered: May 2008
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, July 26th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((SH))

tc


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Jessy1501
♀ Member
Member # 24483
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, July 31st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi my fellow false R friends....everyone hanging in there ok?

(((hugs)))


Attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete...ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.

Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: My own fantasy land
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, July 31st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hanging in as best I can. still in limbo, or whatever you want to call it, waiting for WS to de-fog, or rather de-tox, from the succubus.

I'm seeing some signs that he is, but at the same time he has done a few things that make me wonder if he didn't just go even further underground. Only time will tell, I suppose.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 11991 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
Ruby7
♀ Member
Member # 22598
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 31st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw this thread and my jaw hung open. i had posted in general a while ago about why there wasnt a false r thread and was told bc it happens so often. I guess I was misunderstood. I have said it before, false r is its own special hell. Later tonight when I have more time I am going to sit down and read every post here. so glad i found this bc if you havent been through it you dont know how much it hurts and screws up everything!!

Posts: 329 | Registered: Jan 2009
Jessy1501
♀ Member
Member # 24483
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, July 31st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((inconnu & ruby)))

My story is long and jaw dropping. PM me if you need any advice...I'm relatively new to this, but I've learned SO MUCH.

Hang in there guys, we're stronger than we realize.


Attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete...ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.

Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: My own fantasy land
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, August 1st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if you havent been through it you dont know how much it hurts and screws up everything
!!

Ruby7, I'm going through it, and I don't know how much it hurts, or how much it has screwed everthing up.

The whole thing was mission impossible for me, and she made it worse.

I am amazed we are still living under the same roof and still trying to R.

But then I remember why....

tc


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Ruby7
♀ Member
Member # 22598
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, August 2nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have come to the conclusion that if I cant get some clear answeres from my h about the false r then we are not going to get through this.

We had false r for 4 months and I no several of you have had longer periods that you have been through. What was happening during our false r has made things incrdeilby hard for me. Our daughter was pregnant and going through several medical issues. When our granddaughter was born I was in with my dd and he was out in the waiting room talking to her. In July of 08 we had to deliver our ds14 to the police. He was arrested and spent 45 days in a juvenile dtention center. The day we had to go through all of that when we got home I was a wreck shaking ,crying, vomiting. I couldnt even talk to my mom when h brought me the phone. I was up in our room crumbling and he went downstairs and called her. There are several other events (all found out through phone records 8 months after d-day #2)during that time that show me that he wasnt trying to get out like he says. Of course when I told him about having seen the phone records he blew up and told me that it was my own fault for digging. After 8 months of r he even told me that it was all my fault. He has since recanted but I really dont know what he thinks now.

His story is that he knew that it was me that he wanted and he DID NOT have feelings for her. Also, that he didnt want to be responsible for her marriage breaking up. That one I cant wrap my brain around and when I ask him to expand he just says that I will never understand bc it wasnt me going through it. In other words leave it alone bc you wont like the truth. He has also said that I dont need to understand every little thing. BULLSHIT!!

Well I have come across some info that has led me to beleive that I have further proof that he was very much eating his cake. dont know what to do at this point I just know that we are both miserable. We live in the same house but are very much strangers. When r began it was probably the most beautiful perios of my marriage. I really thought we were going to make it. Dont have a clue now.


Posts: 329 | Registered: Jan 2009
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, August 2nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Ruby7)))

Sad to say, Your M can only survive if you bothwant it to.

tc

I'm hoping someone has some better advice for you.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
sealskin
♀ New Member
Member # 24874
Default  Posted: 1:49 AM, August 4th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

during this false R I am becoming more and more detatched. I think it is because he has no lasting concern about how his children will react when he leaves again. His total disregard for his childrens feelings is helping me let go, but it is also so painful to know I will have to carry my childrens grief alone. I know I am being gaslighted because he is acting exactly like the first time he gaslighted me.

During our seperation people were telling him how brave I was and how proud they were of me. He couldn't face that- I think he must have been in a narcissistic crisis.
he is lying to everyone now, MC,IC coworkers and friends.Now he wants to talk to the family priest, because MC isn't buying his BS.

What is helping me is taking the reins where my finances are concerned.
Some days, like today, I feel detatched and strong- other days I sob uncontrollably
Part of me wishes he was the man he pretends to be, and it hurts like hell that he isn't. Part of me trully believes I will be okay, just wish I could say the same about the kids.


There is a better life for me and my children

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2009
Jessy1501
♀ Member
Member # 24483
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, August 4th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some days, like today, I feel detatched and strong- other days I sob uncontrollably

It feels like a rollercoaster ride on a neverending track. I understand exactly what you're feeling.

(((hugs))) to all of us having to deal with a false R...which in my opinion, hurts more than DD.


Attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete...ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.

Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: My own fantasy land
imtrying
♀ Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, August 6th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I seem to have found a little cluster of people who have the same experiences I have had.

I'm three weeks past breaking off my relationship with my Wpartner. I feel like I'm shell shocked. I mistrust everyone, and I am jumpy, and deeply sad. I keep having intrusive thoughts - of events or suspicions anywhere in the time from when we met until the present day.

And then I flash on the ways I allowed this relationship to wreck me. And the nausea hits.

When I was married to my son's dad (divorced 12 years ago), he was an alcoholic. I didn't really understand alcoholism until after he started AA and I started Al-Anon. I didn't click with the 12 Steps, but I started realizing what I was dealing with. But even before then, I learned not to talk to him or try to reason with him when he was drunk. He wouldn't remember it the next day, anyway, and he was cold, heartless, and nasty when he was drunk.

I realized that when he was drunk, he was a different man. Jekyll and Hyde took on a new meaning.

And it is the same with recently XWpartner.

Before D-Day #1, 13 months ago, he was becoming increasingly erratic, undependable, angry (which he had NEVER been before), indifferent, cold, lacking in empathy, and illogical. I remember trying and trying to get him to see logic, the facts. But he could weasel out of anything by rationalizing, manipulating, and criticizing.

A week before he moved out last year, in the dark, with no warning, we were in couplesC, and I said, with the sincerity only denial can give one, "I know we have some problems, but this is the BEST relationship I've ever had."

Then I found out it was all a patchwork of lies. And still I took him back 3 months later. Because he cried, he poured on the attention, I was everything. Yes, I had doubts. He had nowhere else to go, really. No job, and had burned nearly all his bridges. He needed a place to live. And my money.

But that wasn't why he was coming back! And so we went into R and I thought I knew what I was doing, but all his promises slipped away, one by one. And I never insisted on IC or MC or anything. Like with the alcoholism, I didn't get it.

Until it all started up again- at first very slowly. A few lies discovered, a few more accidentally unearthed. Some more that suddenly hit me, days later, that they must be lies.

And that went on for a few months, getting slowly worse over time. I even wrote a song about it called "Out of Line" which starts out--

What if you don't change
And everything stays basically the same
but getting slowly
worse over time
never really trying
to change.
(Hear it at http://www.alonetown.com/misfitwine/)

But I couldn't hear my own message.

I've always picked partners who are unfaithful, emotionally swing from WOW! to NO, and have substance issues. None of my relationships have been great. But this one, it totally wrecked me last year.

But that was nothing compared to this. I think because I assumed, in ignorance, that the lying was over... or would be over.

I had no idea how many compartments are in his brain.

To have him, time after time, look me in the eye and lie flat out is so frightening. For some reason.

Anyway, I'm a wreck.


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, August 6th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((imtrying))

I'm still reeling from figuring out about false R myself so I have no words of wisdom to offer.

one of the things that bothers me the most is how deeply in denial I was. I mean, the man had already cheated on me, so I knew what he was capable of. Yet I ignored so many signs that the affair started up again until I was buried under all those signs. it's really made me doubt my own judgment, since I obviously didn't want to see what was in front of me the whole time.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 11991 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, August 7th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

look me in the eye and lie flat out is so frightening

Where does one go from here?

[This message edited by dirk pitt at 3:20 PM, August 7th (Friday)]


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
imtrying
♀ Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, August 8th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

one of the things that bothers me the most is how deeply in denial I was...the man had already cheated on me... Yet I ignored so many signs that the affair started up again until I was buried under all those signs. it's really made me doubt my own judgment, since I obviously didn't want to see what was in front of me the whole time.


You say there were signs you ignored? Did you see them as they happened, but ignored or rationalized them away? Or did you not even see them at all?

I think that I have the denial as deeply as he does when he is blaming me for his sex addiction and his acting out and his lying.

These are the things I knew were RED FLAGS. I noticed them and they troubled me and I kept right on marching past them. Turned away, basically. There is nothing to see, don't look at it.

1. Anger
The anger means he is defensive, which means he has something to hide.

2. Impatience with my healing
The impatience is because he doesn't WANT to look at what he's done, do the work, or feel the pain. He wants the talking and asking and crying DONE with, already.

3. Resentment of and resistance to transparency
Duh

6. Lying/Secrets/Trickle Truth torture
Should not be happening.

7. Empathy disappears Sign that his "rationalization justification poor
me" act is coming back

All those signs should have told me that he wasn't ready or able to truly R. But I wanted to believe. I guess I wasn't ready or able to either. Just wanted to make believe it was all ok.

The trauma of being lied to so much is terrible.

I feel like I need trauma therapy for what the lying has done to me. I hear the same emotions in others- feeling nothing, crying, angry... etc.


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, August 8th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You say there were signs you ignored? Did you see them as they happened, but ignored or rationalized them away? Or did you not even see them at all?

I'm sure there were a few I didn't see at all but mostly I rationalized away many of the signs.

He stopped calling and texting me during the day. He'd respond to my texts but rarely would be the first one to send one. Right after d-day, he always sent me a good morning, I love you text when he got to work.

WS had been calling me as he left work and went through the guard shack so I would know he was actually leaving work when he said he was. He stopped doing that.

I would suggest romantic things for us to do together and he would have some excuse not to want to do it.

We stopped having sex. WS's kisses when he left for work and came home became like they were during his A.

I kept telling myself it was because work was so busy and it was so hot (he works outdoors). I told myself that he was busy. I told myself that he still wanted to R, he just didn't want to do the really hard work but if I waited long enough, he'd start doing it.

all the things you listed, yep we went through that too. It just took several months to get to that point.

If you've seen any of my posts in other forums over the past few days, you'll see I'm no longer in denial about the state of my marriage.

Honestly, I think the false R was all about WS trying to piss me off enough to be the one to end things.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 11991 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
imtrying
♀ Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I am a fool, but I believe that X WANTED to be the person who he tried to be - the strong one, who could resist his sexual acting out, who could be honest, who could love me like I deserve.

I see all his meanness and cruelty as being the blameshifting because he couldn't handle his own guilt.

He said to me recently, a couple of times, that "You make me feel worse about myself than anyone in the world."

He said that when he was cheaterific last year and left me. He says he has done "NOTHING WRONG" now. Except the things I know about i guess.

He also said yesterday that "NOBODY in my life doubts my every word like you do." I had to point out that it was only a week or so ago that he told me he had NOT been with anyone sexually, and SWORE he had nothing to hide about this certain woman that has had my hackles up since Feb because of his lies and trickle truths about her.

Of course, then we had unprotected sex, and then he let me know that actually he and the woman had unprotected sex less than 12 hours earlier.

EEEEw. I said, if you are looking me in the eyes and saying that you had not had sex w/ anyone then how do I know that anything you say IS true.

It made me laugh because at one point I was trying to explain my mistrust and said, "Look, the other day (meaning the one we had unprotected sex) you told me that your dick had not been in ANY BODY"

He interrupted self-righteously and said, "And that was TRUE!"

And I said, "No, dear that was when you had been with OW the night before."

And he just said, "Oh yeah."

But anyway. all the things you mention were definite clues, huh. I totally understand how you could overlook or rationalize them away.

Why WOULDN'T we want to believe the best? It is so sad.
So sad.


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
Jessy1501
♀ Member
Member # 24483
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, August 10th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not a fool...you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt...because you hold on to that string of hope that they got hit hard upside the head with the reality stick and came to his senses. But we have to come to terms with the fact that when we're dealing with WH's who are still in the fog...there's no benefit of the doubt to be given. They have done absolutely nothing to show us that they deserve our trust yet.

Right now he is blameshifting...trying to make you feel guilty for his stupidities. Don't let him. It sounds to me like you need to 180. Set your rules and boundaries and if he can't follow them, there's the door. Easier said than done, TRUST ME I KNOW...but you need to show him that you will not continue to put up with his bullshit anymore. It's like a game to them...let me see what else I can get away with, you know? And the more we continue to let them get away with stuff...the more they will continue to walk all over us. Take care of YOU...keep us updated...we're here to help guide you through this terrible terrible process.

(((((hugs)))))


Attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete...ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.

Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: My own fantasy land
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