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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: False Reconcilation Thread
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Member # 22610
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, August 13th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get to join this group as well. My stbxh is with ow3 right now. I told him to leave when I found out early this year. Then he begged to come back, saying how he missed his family and wanted the marriage to work.

Well, stupidly, I let him come back, and it seemed to be going ok. ow3 was out of the country at the time so that could be the reason why.
As soon as she came back, he was gone. He actually thought that he could come back and everything would be fine.

After having my heart ripped out and stomped on, I can't go through this anymore. He really doesn't get it. Now he's saying that he is confused and doesn't know which one of us he wants to be with, and I should wait for his decision.

All I want is a divorce so I can live my life. All this back and forth isn't good for me or the kids.

Although this has been the worst pain I have ever experienced, at least I know I tried. I now know how truly screwed up he really is.

What I want to know is, how do you detach and learn to feel nothing when they come around? I know he will be back again, begging to come home and I want to be strong.

Everytime I see him it hurts so much.

If the colour of my clothes just happens to match the colour of my eyes and that a sign of the apocalypse?

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: somewhere in Canada
♀ Member
Member # 24483
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, August 14th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm so sorry sweetheart. It's truly the worst feeling in the world! Have you tried 180? That seems to work best from a "dettachment" standpoint. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat!

Attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete...ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.

Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: My own fantasy land
♀ New Member
Member # 25362
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm fighting the urge to cave in to his plea to come back. Here's the deal. The A took place overseas where he works. Last winter after a R I was looking at pics on his camera and there was a pic of this blonde woman, much younger than me. I asked if that was HER and he said yes. The R was in Nov. and the pic was taken on a trip shortly thereafter. He thinks they should still be able to meet for drinks, a trip to the museum etc. I didn't end it again until July, when my torment became too great. I have been so tempted to give in and try again, but I don't think it's wise. This HURTS BAD.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Loveland, CO
dirk pitt
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Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't understand how much he hurt you, do you think he can understand?

If you think he can understand how deeply he hurt you, and is capable of doing the things you need him to do such as NC, then you might have a chance, otherwise...


Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Heartless Bytchh
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Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, September 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He thinks they should still be able to meet for drinks, a trip to the museum etc.

As long as he thinks like this, you damn sure don't want to take him back.
It'll just set you up for more pain and suffering.
BTDT, this is the equivalent of the old tired of 'We're just friends".

Don't buy into that bullshit even for one minute.

If it was so innocent, why weren't you invited to those "drinks" and "trips to the museum"s?
Uhh huh, yeah right. And pigs fly at high noon on Tuesdays.

Any time you need help fighting that urge, you just come in here and talk to the ones who've been down that road.

Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dirk pitt
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Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, November 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well it's November, how is everyone? I am preparing for the first of four antiversaries. The will stretch from Nov til June. We are still in R, and doing as well as can be expected.

Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
♀ Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, November 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quite a festive anniversary season you have ahead of you!!!

Is your R going any better now?

I am out of mine, out of the relationship, but need help to move on. I let him come back in the house over and over, but finally kicked him out, and haven't seen him or spoken to him in 3 weeks. Although, I broke down and started texting him nearly every day.

It's a bad feeling. I want to shut the door on him. I'm just alone and having a health crisis, and he's who I turn to, because I haven't got anyone else, but also because I want to feel loved by him. If I just keep trying, he'll love me.


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
dirk pitt
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Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, November 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

imtrying, considering everything we have going against us, false Rs, and my W working with the om, things are good.

Sorry to hear about you troubles.

If I just keep trying, he'll love me

Sad to say, I don't think that will happen.

I wish you the best.

Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
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Member # 26216
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, November 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly I have found myself here. My story is such a long crazy one. I will try to be as short as possible. I suspected my H was having A since July of 2008. I found so many clues but he constantly denied my accusations.. said I was crazy making things up etc. Ok in April this year I discovered he had called me from a phone registered to another woman. Confronted him and he gave me some bs excuse his friend bought the phone from her etc. He moved out and got his own place. Within a month after moving out came to me asking not to close the door on us. Said he just needed to work through things and see if he really wanted to end our M. In June he told me yes he wanted us to try to get back together but that he had gotten involved in something illegal that he was trying to get out of and that was what was taking up all his time etc. We decided I would move in with him in September of this year so I got rid of most of my things.. moved in with him and thought we were going to work on M. It lasted a week and he came forward that he wanted me to move out bc he was in love with someone else! The OW called me to apologize and actually anwsered so many questions for me. The house he lived in was perchased by her business partner really cheap as a forclosure and my H had signed a lease option on it. Utilities were in her name.. They had been seeing each other for over a year and her H had found out about the A from one of her friends. So I stayed with family and after a month moved into my own apartment with our daughter. In October he approaches me again at one of our daughters therapy sessions (she has threatened to harm herself with all this and was addmitted to a partial hospitalization program right after we left his home). He asks me if I would consider trying to go to MC. Says he will break off his relationship with OW who is now living in his home having left her H and kids. I told him I would have to see it to believe it. So a week later he asks her to move out and we begin to try to work on R. Had our first theray session scheduled for this week. For one week I felt he was really trying but then I started to feel the disconnect. Sure enough after three weeks of R he says he cant do it he loves the OW and she is his soulmate. The OW once again contacts me and I find out that they had contact about five times over that three week period. I dont know what to think. Does he really love her or is it just this fog that is talked about? He promised our daughter he was really wanting to try and despite the fact she told him if he ever went back to OW she would never speak to him again he did it! The man I married would have rather died than hurt his d. I need advice.. should I just give up and file for D?

Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2009
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Member # 24261
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, November 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


No-one can tell you what to do but there comes a time when you have to look forward and not back.

I would still be in false R if I hadn't decided enough was enough almost 20 months on and he would still be to-ing and fro-ing hoping I would wait in the sidelines until he sorted out what he really wanted (he's still seeing OMW)!!

I would file anyway and if that brings him out of the fog, well and good, if not then you can start to focus on a life without him - a better life.

Good luck and big hugs. It's a hard road but IMHO false R is worse.

DDay - April 2008
Me - 54 and doing great. Found myself again and loving life
Him - who??

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone (Johnny Nash)

Those who stir the shit soup get to lick the spoon!

Posts: 4954 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
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Member # 21322
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, November 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it awful of me to want to leave my kids with WH?
I have been waiting for over a year for him to decide what he wants to do about loving 2 women. Kids are recovering and things are harmonious around here but I can't take it anymore. I asked him to give me a reason to stay, to take a step closer to stop having sex with OW. He refuses. He says he doesn't want me to leave. He loves me more than ever..... I need to flee! I have been a stay at home mom for 20 years. I have to start my life over from scratch. I am useless to my 3 teenagers...obviously I have trouble setting boundaries. I need some time to figure it all out. Right now, he is the better parent. But I feel so guilty. If I ask him to leave, it will be like it was last time...he forgot about us totally, living, playing, traveling etc with her. I couldn't cope with all the responsibilty on my own.

"Midway upon the journey of life, I found myself within a forest dark For the straightforward path had been lost" Dante

Posts: 105 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Valley of the Sun
dirk pitt
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Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, November 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to flee


You do whatever it takes to make you happy. You can't live like this. Your kids, what do they think about all this? I'm sure they don't want to see you go.

Wish I could be more help.

Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
♀ Member
Member # 23040
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, November 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After ten years of M my H had a LTE/PA with OW.
He was also talking to mult OW at the bars.. Never got more info.

Came home for false R in Jan-Mar but didn't go NC. Lies, etc. Leaves.

Came back in May with new promises. I thought we were truly Ring.

I have come to realize that he has been meeting mult OW the whole time. Finding them at bars, etc. He says because he was just looking for attention and feels bad about us.
Also tells these OW at bars that he doesn't live with ME but is letting me live my life and doing all he can. Clearly lying on both ends/both lifestyles.

Has anyone gone here? Have any of you ever done this? Any chance of recovery for marriage? Or is this guy out there? I want a crystal ball, I know I can't have, but I think your input would be helpful.

Posts: 923 | Registered: Feb 2009
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Member # 21322
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, December 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

donethat: sorry. no help from me but i can commiserate. My H is a different type of wayward but it leaves us all in the same place.

"Midway upon the journey of life, I found myself within a forest dark For the straightforward path had been lost" Dante

Posts: 105 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Valley of the Sun
♀ Member
Member # 23767
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, December 5th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out about my husband's affair in February. It started last October with a lot of "sexting" and they had sex this past January (we live in different states, so the sex was when they were both away for the same business meeting). After I found out, he immediately went NC, gave me his passwords, signed us up for MC, etc.

I was back and forth for a long time - should I stay? Should I go? Then in October of this year, after nearly nine months had passed and just as I was feeling like I could honestly say "I love you" to him again, I found out about a new OW. They slept together once, without protection (no protection with OW#1 either). I told him it is now time for a divorce.

We are still living together for now, and as much as I think I should probably follow through with getting divorced and just move on, it is so hard to do. We have two young kids. I will be a single mom, struggling financially. If I ever fall in love again, it could be with someone who might do the exact same thing to me. Is it really worth leaving?

I know I will never trust my WH again. When I threatened him with a lie detector test after the "first" OW, he admitted to "fooling around" with a woman about three years ago, when our son was about six months old. So there have actually been three OW that I know of.

My gut tells me there are probably more women I don't even know about.

In almost every other way, he is the perfect husband and a great father. He helps around the house, goes out of his way to do little things to make me happy, makes me laugh, enjoys many of the same things as I do, is very involved with the kids, etc. We have always been pretty happy together, and have been together nearly 13 years. Even now, we are getting along great as friends, despite all that has happened.

I know that people hesitate to give "stay" or "go" advice on this board, but if you are willing to give it I am willing to hear it.

I feel so stuck, so indecisive, so lost.


Me: BW, 32
Him: WH, 34
Married 6 years, together for 13
DS 4 years old, DD 2s year
Divorced!!! 8/12/10

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Minnesota
♀ New Member
Member # 26657
Sad  Posted: 11:25 PM, December 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out my husband was cheating on me on Valentines day when she sent him a nude photo to my phone. He has told me it was over with her multiple times, but now both him and her are swearing it is. I feel so stupid for taking him back over and over, but I can't change the fact that I love him! How am I ever going to trust again??/

Together 7 years
Married 4 years
2 children 2 and 4

Posts: 10 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Utah
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, December 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry for ALL of your pain...I've been in false rec. also w/ my WH who is a SA.

BUT, you ladies made me laugh today!

sealskin with: "narcissistic crisis"
imtrying with: "cheaterific"...!!!!
LOL! Never heard either saying before...

D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.

Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
♀ Member
Member # 19101
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, December 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I lived in FR for over 7 years,when I found out he left me for OW and came home 10 months later....caught him again 8 months ago.Says he hasnt seen her since.
Guess what? I no longer care.
Im almost 63 years old,am guardian to my almost 4 year old g.granddaughter and Im not giving up any of this.
The jokes on him and her.
She can have her stolen moments,and lonely days and nights.Im living my life and am over the pain.I treat him well and live much better then i could if I divorced him.Im good....

Posts: 866 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: mich
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Member # 15236
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a long time without posting on this topic. Just curious I lived through FR. Took a last chance on R. I don't trust my FWH. Never will. Not on FOW. They still work together. I trust him on everything else and with everyone else. I like who he is again. If only he had been honest and ended the A. I know I would feel completely different. 2+ years later and I am still afraid to open my heart completely I still keep it safe. It doesn't help that everytime he could really build trust on something important he fails. He is still transparent and more caring than in past years. He was those things during FR too. Are there other SI'er that have made it past FR?


Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2007
dirk pitt
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Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, November 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I think we have survived the False R. The hard part now is getting through the normal stuff life throws at us.

My W still works with the om, It just reminds me of the hurt, more than I worry about the A continuing.

Take care.

Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
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