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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs V I I I
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone. Just have a sec again but wanted to share a funny with everyone since things have been pretty serious around here lately. I know I'll have your jaws hanging open after reading this one.

OK, so in Chicago it just isn't a good funeral unless it's January and you're freezing your ass off next to the open grave as they lower the casket in. Well, we had a GREAT funeral in that regard. Anyhow, we lowered H's 98 y/o aunt, who we all loved dearly, into the ground and each of us threw a handful of frozen dirt on top of the casket as we paid our last respects to this dear woman. There wasn't a dry eye in the crowd. It's customary in his family to truly bury the person so that means you stand out there and freeze your ass off a little longer while they back the truck up with the dirt and fully fill the hole. Now, keep in mind we're in an over 100 y/o Catholic cemetary where some of the early Chicago settlers were buried in pine boxes and shallow graves. OK, fast forward to today. As the truck bed lifted and the dirt came pouring out into the hole, out rolls a skull followed by a bunch of misc. human bones! I'm not kidding!!! We all stood there in shock as the two cemetary guys who were shoveling the dirt in place skillfully flung the skull into a crevass in the grave as if nothing happen. And then the laughter started and my H pipes up that Auntie now has her bowling ball and pins (she loved to bowl!) We were all hysterical at that point and the laughter through the tears was like a tonic as we all stood there with frozen tears on our cheeks, shivering our asses off!

OK, if that didn't make you laugh then I don't know what will!!!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Lord! Was it HUMAN? And they just buried it with her???


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ROTFLMAO!

Oh thank you Cowgirl.

Hugs Tribe



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:46 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning Tribe!

((((zanny))))

Dont you dare worry about us! We are all fine here. Put yourself first PLEASE! That would mean the world to all of us.

OTC, guess your aunty had the last laugh, huh?

Hetfy, welcome.
My M started with the A already in place, and continued throughout, with another LTA thrown in the mix.

You have been given good advice and I really cant add to it, but want to reinforce the mantra of "Take care of yourself", something I wish I had done much much earlier.

NAS, great post. You put into words what I have been trying to express to myself and to H.

SO many factors play into beginning the path of healing from this kind of psychic and emotional assault.
SO much hinges on what the WS is capable of and sincerely willing to express and demonstrate...consistently and reliably.
And BS of a LTA do not know what is reliable for a long, long time.

SO many factors play into beginning the path of healing from this kind of psychic and emotional assault.
SO much hinges on what the WS is capable of and sincerely willing to express and demonstrate...consistently and reliably.
And BS of a LTA do not know what is reliable for a long, long time.

How very true.
And if you have a WS like mine, who has been so inconsistent at the best, it adds another layer of damage to the BS, that just makes it that much harder to recover. Add on the FOO issues, and it just makes me wonder how anyone can come out again.

I think for me, I have to start believing that its not my fault that R is taking so long, that it is not my fault that I am not further down the healing line.
I have to believe that yes, I do have a helluva lot on my late, and that I am not weak for finding it hard.

This may be quite self evident to many of you, but for me, its something I have to remind myself daily. I get it intellectually, but I need to believe it in my heart.

Hey Shirley! How can we help?

Have a good day everyone!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:56 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hefty. Divorce is always an option. As is staying. No rings, I have said I am in a state of being “unmarried”. It gives me a bit of space and distance. Remember to never make someone your priority while you remain their option. Stand back a bit. Offer her hugs, as a means of comfort, tell her you will get through this, but try to be slightly removed. And get yourself some IC/MC. We are all saying it, so do it!!

Zanny. No triggering here, just really concerned for your emotional welfare.

OTC. Oh, wow! Truly jaw-dropping!!!

My FWH threw me back a few steps the other day. I’m back to feeling second choice and all of that crap. Sometimes I’d like an A myself, just to find out what it was all about. But then, if I set out to do that, it wouldn’t really be an A, would it?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
kelsey913
♀ Member
Member # 17605
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning All:

((((Zanny))) Awe inspiring commpassion in your post. What a lovely heart you have. I'm wishing you peace and clarity of mind.

OTC That was pretty funny, gruesome but funny! Jeez, I hope all my body parts stay in one place when the time comes.


Me - BS
Him - WH
5 Yr LTA
D-Day 8/5/07
Married 28 Years
R

Posts: 90 | Registered: Jan 2008
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember to never make someone your priority while you remain their option.

Ooooooooooh, UK--that's a good one. Very good advice.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
IMstrong
♀ Member
Member # 10637
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh....kay....adding another reason to my list of why I want to be cremated.
What a classic, especially since she loved to bowl.


Me BS
He FWS
LTA
DDay 2/20/2006
Reconciled

Posts: 76 | Registered: May 2006
IMstrong
♀ Member
Member # 10637
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, BTW, I am taking all of your advice. I am on my way to talk to my priest about my recent issues, and will ask him to recommend an IC for me.


Me BS
He FWS
LTA
DDay 2/20/2006
Reconciled

Posts: 76 | Registered: May 2006
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I’d like an A myself, just to find out what it was all about. But then, if I set out to do that, it wouldn’t really be an A, would it?

I have felt this way at times. Then WH would see how it felt and I could understand what he feels.

Then I realize what a twist mess this would make.


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have felt this way at times. Then WH would see how it felt and I could understand what he feels.

Remember we're dealing with people who don't "feel" like we do. They don't have the capacity to feel things out. Instead they duck out of the feelings with behavior that distracts from the feelings. So this plan would backfire completely! The worst thing you could do to them to have them feel what you're going through is to insist they do the work to "feel" like the rest of the world does. Only then will they ever get it.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then WH would see how it felt and I could understand what he feels.

OTC is right. They simply dont have the capacity to feel like how we do, which is why they did what they for years!
There are some WS's here that have said that if their BS had an A, that they would give them a chance to R.
I know for a fact that if I did have an A, H will NEVER agree to R...for so many reasons, to name just a few, he is not as emotionally invested in the M as I am; his ego couldnt take it, and it would be too hard for him to go through what I am..he would rather cut and run then go through the BS R journey.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Zanny)))))
You are an amazing spirit to worry about us during your crisis. Sending buckets of white light back to you, hon.

I have felt this way at times. Then WH would see how it felt and I could understand what he feels.

Remember we're dealing with people who don't "feel" like we do. They don't have the capacity to feel things out. Instead they duck out of the feelings with behavior that distracts from the feelings. So this plan would backfire completely! The worst thing you could do to them to have them feel what you're going through is to insist they do the work to "feel" like the rest of the world does. Only then will they ever get it.

I'm going to admit something here.......this is actually the biggest reason why I haven't had my own A- it just wouldn't cause the same pain to H, and it would just screw me up even more.

Remember to never make someone your priority while you remain their option

UK- that is awesome. I think we should all print that out and place it somewhere where we can see it everyday. Maybe I should tattoo it to my forehead?!?!
IMstrong- I'm so glad to hear you are getting some extra help and talking to your priest. That is a great step into your own self-healing.

HS- Your H sounds like he is making a lot of huge steps in IC. That's fantastic! What can we do for you to help you out right now?

OTC- ROFLMAO!!!! Thank you for that story!!!

Hefty- IC, IC, IC for your WW and yourself. You are so early in on this journey, so breathe and give yourself time to decide what you want to do. D or R- you don't have to decide right this minute. But she really needs to get some help in counciling and stay NC with OM. She also needs to feel the consequenses of breaking the contract the two of you made for R. Stand up for yourself- you are the only one who is going to.


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The worst thing you could do to them to have them feel what you're going through is to insist they do the work to "feel" like the rest of the world does. Only then will they ever get it.
No one could ever know what a LTA BS "feels". If you haven't been there done that, you just can't know. I have thought of two analogies here lately to try and relate what it feels like.
Analogy #1 Pain
I would say it is comparable to having an illness such as back pain. It's always there but sometimes you can ignore it and go on, while other times it it crippling.
Analogy #2 Learning to Trust
Let's say one day you are burned all over your body in a house fire. You spend months and months in recovery going through excruting painful recovery. Then when you feel like you just might live, that same house is on fire again and you have to enter into it while you have a loved one assuring you that you will not be burned this time.

O.K. we all know that I have a hard time putting my feelings and thoughts into words. But at least I tried.

Hey, It's Friday
FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by unabletocope at 11:41 AM, January 11th (Friday)]


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slowly re-entering the world of the living unlike OTC's "friend". Geez, how macabre is that? (don't know why it made me laugh ). I guess it just goes to show that in the end we are all just a pile of worthless bones. Another reason to make living well a priority.

Had an interesting discussion with the H after his IC this morning. You know how sometimes they say the didn't love her? Well, he had a slightly different spin on it. After months of self-examination he has refined this into the OW could have been anyone. Who they were did not matter. He needed adoration and that is not easily found in the real world but is in a fantasy relationship. I wonder how they would feel if they were to learn that all they were was someone with a hole who was willing to hero-worship him. He kept coming back to me because I was real.

I think I have officially entered the plain of lethal flatness. I can move forward, haven't finished processing the past but am not in extreme agony every minute. How long is this period 6 months?

Luckily, I do have a remorseful H who is working very hard on himself. If I find out he is lying to me, I think I have to stand my ground and declare the game over. I hope that doesn't happen.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

O.K. we all know that I have a hard time putting my feelings and thoughts into words. But at least I tried.

FSA!! Stop knocking yourself down now!
I love the way you express yourself, whether you are relating a memory of you and one of the kiddos, or you heckling the OW, or you making us laugh with a funny story. And lets not forget those dittys! So chin up ok my friend?

Unable, the only book I did get that was not directly A-related, was Getting the Love you want (as recommended by BT).
She also suggested The Secret, which will be next on my list. They have a website too.
I tried looking for the post with the book recommendations, but gave up!

Hope everyone else is doing okay, and looking forward to a good weekend. Anyone want to trade their weather with crappy rainy foggy London weather??


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cant remember if I posted these lyrics before, so if I did, please forgive and absentminded soul.
Everytime I listen to it, it reminds me of us here, and what we face.
Hope it inspires someone.


SOMETHING INSIDE SO STRONG
The higher you build your barriers
The taller I become
The farther you take my rights away
The faster I will run
You can deny me
You can decide to turn your face away
No matter, cos there's....

Something inside so strong
I know that I can make it
Tho' you're doing me wrong, so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone
Oh no, something inside so strong
Oh oh oh oh oh something inside so strong

The more you refuse to hear my voice
The louder I will sing
You hide behind walls of Jericho
Your lies will come tumbling
Deny my place in time
You squander wealth that's mine
My light will shine so brightly
It will blind you
Cos there's......

Something inside so strong
I know that I can make it
Tho' you're doing me wrong, so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone
Oh no, something inside so strong
Oh oh oh oh oh something inside so strong

Brothers and sisters
When they insist we're just not good enough
When we know better
Just look 'em in the eyes and say
I'm gonna do it anyway x 4

Something inside so strong
And I know that I can make it
Tho' you're doing me wrong, so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone
Oh no, something inside so strong
Oh oh oh oh oh something inside so strong

Brothers and sisters
When they insist we're just not enough
When we know better
Just look 'em in the eyes and say
I'm gonna do it anyway x 4

Because there's something inside so strong
And I know that I can make it
Tho' you're doing me, so wrong
Oh no, something inside so strong
Oh oh oh oh oh something inside so strong


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost - I can trade my crappy, foggy COLD rainy weather?

I liked The Four Agreements - I think OTC may have recommended that one. Looking for others if there are suggestions.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since I was laid up for a few days can I be a post-hog?

Does anyone feel like the WS is getting off light if we R? I feel like there needs to be some sort of pennance (public caning would be good ). But really, I feel, despite his remorse, that there needs to be punishment. When someone commits a crime, they don't get off just because they are remorseful. If our society functioned that was there would be chaos. Anybody been down this road? Anybody thought up any really good punishments they are willing to share? I truly feel that if I could punish my H, or he accepted punishment, I would feel better. Maybe that just makes me a weak person.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
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