I have MC tonight. I think I’ll put need and nurture back on the agenda. And here’s a quote for you to consider: Immature love says "I love you because I need you". Mature love says "I need you because I love you" Maybe that’s the difference between the W and OW’s.
I overheard my H on the phone to a business friend. He said that his exboss had blatantly lied to him, so how could he believe anything he said now or ever again? Hmmm. And he wants me to believe and have trust after five f*cking years of lying to me? He felt betrayed by his boss? It’s only a f*cking job!!!
SoL, I know you must get tired of hearing this, but I will say it anyway. Your dday is so very recent. and you are doing incredibly well.
Its hard to tell if they have really gone NC at this stage, but believe me, the time will come when you just know. You cant monitor his workplace, so I guess you will have to take his word and look at his actions. and take the usual precautions like keyloggers, access to the cellphone etc. Is it possible at all that he can change workplaces?
Hbh, I know you are coming up to your 1 year mark? How are you doing with that? Have you and H discussed your POA?
Ukgirl, I cant tell you how many times I said this after dday!
I WANT WHAT SHE HAD
Now I wouldnt wish that on anyone.
Perhaps, if we were to lead separate lives
In separate homes,
Close, but far enough apart,
You could come to me and then
You would not have to deal
With the everydayness of us and me.
There would be no wet washing
Only full drawers.
There would be no ironing board
Only pressed shirts,
There would be no unmade beds
Only smooth linen.
There would be no supermarket shop
Only smart delicatessens.
There would be no messy kitchen
Only small bistros,
There would be no warm beers
Only cold lagers.
There would be no complaints
There would be no rushing
There would be no children
There would be no tears of despair
Only tears of happiness.
There would be no anger
Only fiery passion.
There would be no distance
Only close intimacy.
There would be time for you.
There would be time for me.
There would be time for us.
Time would be a good mistress.
Then I would be your mistress,
You would be my lover,
If we were to lead separate lives.
That’s what they had, kwim?
Do you think that its possible for you guys to get that back?
Strange as it sounds, I know H and I are closer, more intimate, more passionate, more connected than we ever were before...and definetly way more than they ever were.
Ukgirl, dont romanticise their relationship. I know I was guilty of that. It was what it was...cheap, sordid, hidden, dirty and robbed them of their souls. Yes, they had good sex. Yes, the time they spend together was precious because they knew it was shortlived and a break from their real lives. Yes, they probably felt that what they had was special. But what did they really truely have Ukgirl?
In my case, I know they didnt get to do regular stuff in public and daylight like eating out, going to the movies. They had to hide and sneak into the backseat and hotels, parks and underground parking lots.
Yes, she got cards and beautiful documents and gifts and sexy sms's. My H said he didnt know how else to give her back something (read pay!)..he felt like he was using her. Now he recognises they used each other.
I know housework sucks now.Before I felt proud to keep a good home. Now I cant really be bothered. Also H helps alot more than he did before. Thats one of his love languages.
Can your H help out more?
And if its time alone you want, how about scheduling date nights? Take turns to plan the dates,and surprise each other.
Hope I helped in my roundabout way.
I know this is all of our worst nightmares but we have to remember it’s Zanny who is living it. This will evoke the fear mechanism in many of you as it has both Run and I, but please don’t go there if you can help it. Save your emotions and strength for our dear tribal sister who is living it minute by minute.
I would like to propose at 4:00 pm EST today we all pause and take a minute to send Zanny collective love and strength in force from the tribe. I know she will feel it. Here is the breakdown for all time zones:
9 pm UK / 4 pm EST / 3 pm CST / 2 pm MST / 1 pm PST
We're here zanny, when you're ready. I'll keep the hot toddy warm
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
I'll be sure to be there at 4:00, but I'll also be thinking of you non-stop.
Please take care. And know that I care sooooo much.
If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?
I am posting on behalf of Zanny.
Cowgirl, Thanks so much for telling us. I know how hard it was to do.
Oh my friend.....our friend....
No words will do except to say that you know..you surely know.... We all understand right down to our souls.
I am crying and disbelieving with you.
But....we all also know that when a WS is still fucked up..and still hiding out in dysfunction ...and still afraid to come out and face reality...they go back (or maybe never even left, really) to those patterns that support the illusion and delusions.
It is a cowardice and denial that allows no integrity....and feeds the addiction to "not being real" as sure as if it came with a hypodermic syringe or crack pipe.
Zanny.....just know my thoughts are hugging you....tightly.
Bless you, Run and cowgirl.. Hugs for being there for her.
Adding I will be there with the tribe at the appointed hour today.
[This message edited by numb and scared at 1:31 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)]
You guys know I check his cell phone records. It started because I wanted to check his story about the "office girl" calling him 15 times a day interrupting his work,etc. Found out tha wasn't true. Turned out it wasn't just the office girl, it was other management, just checking up on the new guy. That has settled down, but I still check anyway.
There's been a number. Three calls out, three calls in. Either ON his way to work on ON his way home.
Didn't think anything of it, they were only a minute and there wasn't a "pattern" until today. I realized the call this weekend was made while I was sleeping. He came up after checking with the foreman of the job and it was raining up there, so he crawled back into bed and we made love. The skies cleared and he went up only to find out the materials weren't there, so he SAYS he stopped for breakfast and then came home. He was with me the whole day, the whole night, all of Sunday.
Then a call from and a call back to the same number at 7 AM yesterday morning. None so far today.
I googled the number, it belongs to a woman who runs a homeless shelter in a county were his shop is located.
I'm going to try to keep it together to see if there are any other calls. If there are, I don't know what to do... just hold onto the info until there's more "evidence" or bring her up at MC this week. I called the number from home and a woman did answer, I made up a name and she said I had the wrong number.
Maybe the stuff with zanny has me on edge, I don't know. But I am wound up tigher than a drum right now.
My prayers for strength to get through the upcoming days go out to you in full force. Your tribe is here for you, as little or as much as you need.
Also, remember, I am probably about a two hour drive tops from you....let me know if you feel you could use a "shoulder to cry on" or a cup of tea or coffee away from your home for a few hours.
I'm going to try to keep it together to see if there are any other calls. If there are, I don't know what to do... just hold onto the info until there's more "evidence" or bring her up at MC this week
Oh No, you must be so anxious. I am so impatient I always end up confronting right away, BUT the wise advice always has been to document and get the facts beforehand.
If I see it again, what does everyone think about me calling that number from his phone? See if she knows who it's "supposed" to be? But then I'll have to confront him before he hears from her.
OK. I need to wait a little. I think I'll go take a nice long shower.
I am so so sorry. I will be there at my 9pm.
Thanks robt and OTC.
Don't do anthing yet...
Can you get the time to drive to where she is located and check it out?
I would continue to watch the phone patterns. Because the truth is..if you tip your hand too soon......he will only go deeper into stealth. We all know how that goes.
And.... mybe it is "nothing"
Zanny's situation is terrible...but it is hers, unfortunately.
Breath and wait, weepy....
I hope and pray that all turns out well, with or without your spouse. I will be there at 4:00.
Weepy, keep cool and check this all out.
Blessings and prayers,
Saying a prayer for you. Wish I could do more. Please take care.
Prayers and Lifting Hugs.....