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User Topic: Long Term Affairs V I I I
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,
Have been really busy and not able to read every post. But wanted to send SVS LOTS and LOTS of hugs. I ditto everything Run and Wimsey had to say SVS. And please know you are one of the strongest and most resiliant people I have ever seen. There is no putting you down in a hole girl! You'd just come up fighting. I know today it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel for you but please look at how much you've fought through already. You are one incredible lady and one helluva a mom. I often wonder if your kids will ever know what an incredible mom they have and how she's fought for them. Hang in there SVS. It will not be like this forever. Life has a way of showing you it's smile and joy. Like Run said, I'm glad to see you get your bat out and start swinging too! Anger is a good catalyst (God knows I've had enough for a Space Shuttle launch! ).

Now, how about a little Cowgirl humor to bring a smile to your face SVS and anyone else who is struggling right now(you all know what's coming, don'tcha?)

1. OW Ho-Bitch (or OM) pinata. We all get to take a swing but you get to bust her open. Good Lord, what do you think would spill out though? Wouldn't be anything sweet - that's for sure!
2. OW Ho-Bitch (or OM)remote tazer. Every time you have to suffer with painful thoughts, so does she/he! Just push the remote and think about her/him going stiff with 120V's running through her/him somewhere.
3. The OW Ho-Bitch gauntlet. Let that bitch just TRY to get past the tribe.
4. And my old favorite - OW Ho-Bitch (or OM)SURVIVOR show. Ho-Bitch is set loose with just the clothes on her/his back. Tribe is there waiting with a full arsenal. Feel lucky ho?

OK, hope this made you laugh a little.

If not, here is a link of a hilarious explanation of compartmentalizing I thought you'd all like: http://marriageresourcecenter.org/videogallery/4/med/VideoWidget8.htm

It's a good one!
OTC


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At some point you're going to have to decide if you can live with what you do know, and proceed with recovery anyway--or leave and proceed with your recovery. It really boils down to that.


This topic has reminded me of something....

We very recently lost a much loved family member to cancer....she was too young to die....her illness was so shocking for her, and for us.

However, she chose NOT to know all of the lurid details, once she accepted her fate.
Instead, she let her H and others keep some of those details from her.

In not knowing all involved, she was able to cope with her "reality" far better than if she had been fully aware of all the stats and pieces.

I know it is a totally different scenario but, in a way, similar... about the unique way that every person deals with things that are soul-wrenchingly painful and irreversible.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So true Numb! I do think we have to make that choice within ourselves one way or another. Knowing that what we do know will never put it in a neat box and make it go away. There will always be parts of this that jump up from time to time. But we do have to make that choice. In addition we have to make the choice to be our strongest and best selves no matter what. It sounds like your SIL did just that in her final days. She chose to remain “intact” as much as possible without being consumed by the horror and terror of it all. Translated into LTA, I think Run was quite eloquent in her words and feelings about forgiveness. We can choose to be consumed by it or release ourselves.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello All,
I'm not entirely sure of where to post (not sure of anything these days) I've been lurking on this site for almost 2 years now and seem to idendify with LTA tribe, in part because of age,years married but i suspect my husbands affair was longer than i know. Also because all of you ladies (and gents) are so articulate it seems i am reading my own thoughts and feelings. I still have no idea how to put my story in words , when i have tried and read it back to myself i seem like a complete idiot for even wanting for a second to stay in this marriage. I will try though, i have nothing left to lose, for i fear my mind is indeed gone. I'll try an abbreviated version.
We married very young, after a pregnancy that ended in a stillbirth. We moved across the country and as we were away from family, it was always him and i against the world. 4 yrs.later he's working away from home during the week, cheating begins, i am in serious denial, become pregnant again. By the end of the pregnancy i can deny no longer, when i confronted him he lied of course , he said 2 ONS , i knew he was lying but not to what extent. I went into labour , with a new baby and the emotional mess i was, it eventually got swept aside. I pushed and pushed and he lied and lied, we saw a useless MC and got no further ahead. It took years before i could go a day without thinking of it, now and then i would bring it up and try to resolve it but he continued to deny. During this time we moved again, he was now home every night and foolish me thought things would be ok now, i felt safer.
Years went by, we were raising our family things were good, sometimes very good, but something was always missing, i never knew what that was. He was emotionally unavailable, more than that actually, he was emotionally void i think now. I blamed myself, something lacking in me, i tried harder, i gave everything i had and he took it all and gave nothing. I see that now but then i thought it was me. I was the keeper , all he had to do was provide financially for us and i was responsible for everything else. 10 yrs later he stopped having sex with me, not overnight but almost, from average to once every couple of months and then mostly at my instigation.Occasional ED. I know big clue huh? And i didn't miss it. He blamed it on stress, overwork and the vasectomy he'd recently had. I can't imagine now how i denied that and what followed but i did, i must have. I had asked him to have the vasectomy and he was home every night just like always, the routine never varied. I blamed me and i tried harder. Anything you can think of i tried, lost a few pounds, planned romantic times, desperately tried to get him to open up. All to no avail. I became so unhappy i thought of leaving the marriage myself though i still loved him. Things got worse and looking back i now know i "felt" it when he left, emotionally that is. I finally shut down myself somewhat after that, i stopped trying so hard, stopped making excuses for him, but i stayed. A lot i could say here about how it was for those few years but it would go on forever. He eventually "came back" , somewhat at least. But everything was different though i denied that too and just kept on keepin' on. Somethings didn't change though, like our lovelife, once every couple of months. More years go by, our daughter finally left for collage, he seemed to draw closer to me , clingy but still both physically and emotionally unavailable.
The year our daughter finished collage, we had been married 27yrs. One day out of the blue as we were having an ordinary conversation , he said something deep and personal about himself, something neither of us even remembers now, but we were both so surprised by it that it led to that everpresent topic, his cheating early in our marriage. We both agreed that now was the time to fianally deal with it. I was so relieved and happy i really thought we would. Guess what ? And i have no clue how to describe this because i still don't understand it myself. He was quite willing and even eager to discuss what he had told me all those years ago, 2 ONS, he fully intended to keep lying though and he did. But this is the strange part, he talked about having 2 ONS and was so relieved to have "it all out in the open" that he quite literally began to change in front of my eyes. Oh in the months that followed i pushed and argued and cried and basically desperately tried to get through to him that we couldn't go forward without honesty. I knew 100% that he was lying. But now here was this man, that except for lying was becoming a totally different person. Such deep changes, unconcious changes that could never be faked. Eye contact being the biggest one, as long as i have known him he had never made full eye contact with me or anyone else, i am sad to say not even with himself in a mirror. Now he was truly looking me and everyone else without even being aware of it himself.I would catch him unawares looking into his own eyes in a mirror. The look on his face was painful to see. Other changes big and small, like linking fingers with me instead of clasping my hand. Constantly touching me. And our sex life, i don't even know how to decribe that change, his desire for me was constant and verocious in a way it had never been even as young newlyweds or even before that. And yes now it was making love, the first time i opened my eyes and saw him staring right at my face, into my eyes, the look i saw there i 'll never forget, i never saw anything like it before and it literally took my breath away. Looking back now i can clearly see that he has always had some serious issues with sex, both before and after me. Let's just say it was always a race to the finish and now all he wants is the journey. Hope that's not TMI but i feel it is extremely relevant to all of this.
Fast fwd a few more months, more arguements, more pushing, more tears and pain, more weight loss and stress for us both and of course more and more lies, he has a bad accident at work, not seriously injured but a very close call, so more emotional stress. We are both pushed to the limit, during yet another arguement he finally says "there was another affair". Supposedly this one had happened 14 yrs ago. Without yet telling the truth about the earlier one. " There was another affair" , those were true words but in the explosion that followed everything was either a lie, half truth, mixture of truth and lies, outragous "stories" and statements, horrible blameshifting and gaslighting, you name it it was there. I truly lost my mind that night, i exploded in a rage that was so terrible i don't even remember it all, i was hitting and scratching and spitting and punching, i screamed and cursed and God only knows what else. He took it all, without defending himself. He just cried and i do remember one thing, the awfull fear in his eyes. Not of me i don't think but of what he had done. I am not proud of what i did next, i got in my car and left, still in that rage and pain. My marriage was over . I came home only because i had nowhere else to go, and for something else, to hurt him , to make him feel what i felt. I lied too , me the queen of integrity, lied, i screamed at him, told him i had been to a bar and picked up a stranger and slept with him. Me who had been a virgin when we'd met , me who had never even thought of being with someone else. Yes the me whom he took so forgranted. I woke up the next morning , covered in bruises from hitting him and and anything else that was in front of me, and felt nothing but a deadness. I feel nothing much but that still, pain rage and deadness.
It's been 9 months since that night, everything and nothing has changed. We sold our house, he applied for a job tranfer and we moved away. I would try and he would lie. He is still as devoted and attentive , his desire hasn't lessened a bit, he is desperate to "fix" this as ever. But he won't or can't tell the truth. I am only now able to see just how deep his fear is. I don't think i understand it at all though. He made an appointment finally, not all at my urging, to see a professional. He chose a psychologist. He's only been a few times but his own relief is palpable, She too thinks "something" happened to him that night that we first sat down to talk. I assume they would be a long time discussing what that "something" was. For now i get the impression that she focusing on the source of his fear, and that he's "crippled" by it, and the lying.
It's pointless to even try to say what i know about his affairs because all i really know is that they occured. 1st-ONS, 2nd- 1to 1/2, 3rd- htichhiker ?-----truth or lies, all ocurred in the same time period, we were married 4-5 yrs.. Last? affair- co-worker, someone i knew, and according to him 1 1/2 yrs but i suspect at least 2 1/2 up to ???, we were married 15 yrs. Married now 29yrs.
I haven't spoken to anyone ever about this.I'm not in IC myself yet but i know it's coming and needed. It's such a long story and as you all know it's impossible to tell it all at once but i have been reading here long enough to know that if anyone can read between the lines it is all of you. I don't have a particular question, i'm just hoping that some of you can make your way through this saga offer your opinion. Hmm, guess there is a question. To still be here, is my mind completely gone ? Thank you all for being here anyway it has been my lifeline.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome mig: If you've been reading here, then you know how similar all our situations are.

i seem like a complete idiot for even wanting for a second to stay in this marriage.

If you let yourself think that way, that's how it will be... you an idiot, him completely clueless. But somehow I don't sense that's what you have in mind.

As ROBT just said to me, I may have to accept that I won't ever know what I want to know. That's a tough one to swallow, I tell you. I don't know if IC can help with that or whether it's just a decision we make.

The problem for me is that I don't have any confidence in my decision making abilities any more. My IC says I may need a med change. Great


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Popping in to say hello.

I've been too busy to keep up with all you gabby people.

I hate to get on here and post and say me me me and by the way I haven't read a word of what anyone else has had to say.

So as soon as I find some time to get caught up I'll check back in with ya'll.

All are in my thoughts.

You all have been my key to survival. I don't know what I would have done without each of you.

BTW I'm feeling great today, hope you are too. Hope I find some time to catch up.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HBH. Exactly. I thought I had that too. HE did - until he f*cked it up. Unless he thought the “great and perfect” time was while he was cake-eating. And yes, you do make sense. Except that I do not agree with the notion that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I’d rather live my life happily and without having to go through this load of crap he’s dumped on me. HIS failing, HIS weakness, HIS selfishness. Not mine. But I’m the one who’s getting all the pain. His “I was too frightened to tell you so I carried on seeing, dating and f*cking her to keep her away from us and our family” somehow doesn’t sound like it hurt him too much.

ROBT, Somehow, some way, we have to move on. This state of limbo is where I deal with revelations (no more majors, thank goodness), assess the fall out from the A, examine my WH behaviour before, during and after the A, look to my own faults and place in the A, look at the man I loved unconditionally for 30-odd years and see if the one I fell in love with is still there, look at me to see if I still have those qualities he fell in love with, put the jigsaw back together, look at the picture and decide. But I’ll do it when I’m good and ready.

OTC, I can’t do the hate OW bit. Not really. Sometimes I sound off about her, but not much. My H did all the pursuing and seduction. Emotionally she’s a very needy person. I once said she stood about as much resistance to his advances as a sapling in a hurricane. She hadn’t stopped loving him, or at least harbouring sweet memories of their first love. After all, she left the less significant stuff on my doorstep – she didn’t return the engagement ring (how sad was it to keep that?) or the recent poetry and she kept all his texts and emails on her laptop and backup discs. She knew he was married, but …. Sometimes I want to ask her if she ever thought about what it would do to me once I found out. Mostly it’s my FWH I want to beat the sh*t out of. He knew she wouldn’t turn him down.

Like the link tho’, makes A LOT of sense!!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Missed something here while I was typing away.

Hi to mindisgone. See you’ve just joined, so let the LTA tribe bring you into our membership. I don’t have time to read your post now, but will be back later to catch up. There are plenty here to help you through this dreadful time.

Sorry for the rant. Sorry for hogging. Now feel 7 outta 10, not 4, as I was earlier. Except he’ll be leaving work soon and driving that old familiar road ….. sigh


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Angry  Posted: 12:17 PM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He thinks it's FUNNY. He thinks I should be mad at his "friend" not at him because he didn't think he would have the balls to actually say that to me. So when I say the problem is that my HUSBAND let his wife be denegrated by some pig he doesn't defend her.

He told the guy to tell me what he just said to him, what does he think this pig is going to do?

So, I should have called his friend a pig and hung up on him. So why didn't my H call him one and hang up on him? Because it's ok to make fun of the wife but not the husband.

He says he wouldn't care if I made comments to other people about the pathetic losers who troll Chinatown looking for whores because they can't get it up with their wives. He said that wouldn't bother him. So I asked what if I made it personal and told people what he'd done. He said he wouldn't care. Apparently he has no more shame either.

He said he couldn't talk any longer, was I done. So I asked him if he understood why I was so upset and he said no. So I said then we're done talking until he gets a clue.

What prompted all this? Because I jokingly told a friend that he wanted me back to work... that I wouldn't last 3 weeks at home, that I told a friend he would have to "suck it up and be the breadwinner for a while." He's been calling me a "lazy load" since I got laid off thinking it was "funny".

I fucking hate him so much right now.

I'm going to text him that.

[This message edited by weepy at 12:33 PM, January 15th (Tuesday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 12:41 PM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said he couldn't talk any longer, was I done.

If I had a penny for every time WS has said that to me, we'd all be having pina colada's on the SI cruise ship I could have bought with them... mega ugh...


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy (Hear the steam coming out of my ears) You are not a “lazy load” while you are dealing with his truck load of sh*t. And so what anyhow? How much would he get if he was laid off? Doesn’t he get it that you are finding very little funny right now and his sarcasm really is the lowest form of wit.

Talking of lowest forms (his “friend”), got a joke for you: (any gentlemen, look away now)
What’s the difference between a bloke and a pig?
A pig doesn’t turn into a bloke after two pints of beer.

Mind you, sounds like he doesn’t even need the beer, so perhaps he is a genetic experiment.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mindisgone - Welcome. You are all of us. In reading your story what comes up for me is that there is a LOT more to your H's story. As is the case with all of our WS and FWS's, the shame can be crippling for them. I may sound like a broken record with this, but I really do believe they go a little insane when their compartments begin to collide and open to one another. You're H sounds like he has volumes of shame to share but may fear if he does so that will be the end of you both. Let him remain with the IC and GET YOURSELF TO IC!!!! This is WAY too much to hold MIG! You must have days where you feel as if you're losing your mind. Believe me, what you sense is most likely the truth. It may take a looooong time before all of the truth is revealed and it is most likely that you're H is a broken person as are most of ours. It takes a loooong time to put the pieces together and as some wise person said here, I don't remember who, what you're left with is a glued, taped and strung together version at the end most likely. Reserve your right to make decisions based on the truth(s) you get. But at some point, for your sanity, you're going to have to get the truth with time lines, etc. There is a long history here that sounds like it's touched almost every aspect of your lives together. You deserve that truth and you deserve to make decisions based on truth, not speculation. Leaving the M with only speculation will most likely haunt you forever. Being there, with him trying, allows you the opportunity for truth, acceptance and closure eventually. But if you're 2 years into this and reading our stories all along, you know it's a long, hard road. (((((MIG))))) You're in the LTA tribe now. This is truly the ONLY place you'll be understood most likely. We do understand. And good on you for having the courage to post.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being there, with him trying, allows you the opportunity for truth, acceptance and closure eventually.

Thank-you OTC, I have been needing to hear that for so long. Sometimes i don't know who i'm more angry with, him for doing this or myself for staying.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy (Hear the steam coming out of my ears) You are not a “lazy load” while you are dealing with his truck load of sh*t. And so what anyhow? How much would he get if he was laid off? Doesn’t he get it that you are finding very little funny right now and his sarcasm really is the lowest form of wit.

I know I'm not, but I told him after my IC last week, just last week, that I was putting enough pressure on myself, that I didn't need any from him.

And guess what? He was laid off twice in the last 2 1/2 years. Had almost a year off and did very little around the house that he was goign to do "when he had the time." He said it was discouraging to be out of work, and yet, he can't seem to equate those feelings to me.

I never, once called him a load. Never once did I tell him to get a job or make fun of the time he spent watching TV instead of cleaning up his garage or tool boxes or whatever the "plan" was for the day.

And no, he doesn't get that I don't find him funny. He called and actually sounded pissed off, maybe if I could have seen the "twinkle" in his eye or his mouth twitch trying not to smile, maybe then I would have known he was kidding. But he outright accused me of talking badly about him behind his back, making him out to be some kind of ogre. NEVER HAPPENED and I got pissed, because I was already pissed. And I fell into the trap that I eluded all yesterday. I hold his anger for him. He gets to be the "wit" and I get to be the bitch.

And I still fucking hate him.

[This message edited by weepy at 1:17 PM, January 15th (Tuesday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, have you seen that video link OTC has posted at the top? Explains your H. And mine.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mindisgone. I printed off your post to read properly. This has been going on for you for a long, long time and my heart really goes out to you. You are one lost soul looking for sanctuary. I hope you find it here. I am with OTC 100%. Please, please get yourself into IC. Your H is having his psychotherapy, and you need to have some TLC. I wouldn’t suggest MC b/c he needs to deal with his million issues one on one before he can come out with them in front of you. I really think you need some help, and sympathetic help. You’re beaten up enough as it is. Hugs to you (((((mig))))).


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not totally caught up but have been scanning some.

Welcome MIG,
Let me suggest something, only b/c I make the same mistake over and over.

I've tried desperately to drag the truth out of my H. But when he has told me things I have gone off the deep end with the screaming, hitting, and all else. It is out in the open that his was LTA, but I have always felt like there is much more that I do not know. Anyway, I think I have brought some of his "holding back" on myself by my reactions when he has talked to me. But I totally understand your doing that, I myself have done the same thing more than once.

As far as you feeling bad about actually staying with H after what has happened. Hey, each and every once of us here and done just the same thing. It was comforting to me to know that I was not the only one in the world that would actually stay after LTA. You're in good company. We all have stayed.

At work, better go. Maybe I can find some more time tonight. But then hopefully maybe I won't find that time. You see, when I'm missing, maybe it's b/c LTA isn't on the top of my mind at the time, which is a good thing. But I never forget about all of ya'll.

FSA

PS:MIG, you have to excuse my rambling ways, it's just me.


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks FSA , I am in good company here, i know. As i've been reading here a long time i have learned from you all there are a lot of mistakes i've made. My husband seems to be a mixture of all of our husbands here mixed together.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feel bad for the tribe today. Appears all are struggling. Tears and hugs for all.

Now my vent from hell. Excuse any bad language.

WS is LTA's are really messed up people. So much so their garbage spills into the BS mind.

I believe they love us only for the stable home life. that is it. Our stability turned into control for them over time and they always want more. They have failed to grasp that their is no perfect. Their will always be someting missing. You can have something really special. Betraying those who love you will destroy that chance forever!

How could you really understand what love is while you are fucking someone else? Kissing, showing your body, doing EVERYTHING with them. Damn it you promised me for life! You lied. You violated our vows. In my case it started 3 months into our marriage and the birth of our child.

How the fuck do you think I feel having to get a paternity test on my own child? Beyond brutal!

Now that the A is found out I am suppose to sit their kiss your ass and meet your needs. You fucking killed me! How bout kissing MY ASS. Shelfish fucking assholes.

It will NEVER be enough for you. You are broken.

You think I should not be angry and pissed off? For YEARS you lied to me and did not come close to loving me like I loved you. I was a roomate with privlidges. I thought you were my soulmate. I guess I was not yours. That hurts like hell and I have EVERY right to be mad at that.

How the heck can you lie dead to my face after being with them? Asshole!

How in the world can you say you really loved me doing this? You have no idea what it is like to love someone at all except your selfish self. Bastards.

Damn it. I LOVED YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING!

Does that even matter to you?

Wew sorry vent vent vent.

I have figured this out and really plan to get on the boat today to a new life:

I WILL MAKE IT!

I AM MOVING ON!

I refuse to have my life defined by an affair that was not my fault. I am not perfect but not so flawed as to do this. I am the MUCH better person.

We all must move on. Reengage with life, workout, make new friends, enjoy everything that is still good in life, and try new exciting experiences.

Life is too short to wait for a damaged individual to come around.

They can choose to come along for a new better journey with a new better me or wallow and stay the pathetic individuals they have become.

I WILL MAKE IT!

I AM MOVING ON!


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all.
Met a LTa sister today. Fnf, yes it was Brooke4.
You know, I think we both never stopped talking! On everything and anything. A couple of times, I had to look away to stop myself from tearing up, and by the time I was on the Tube again, I had a huge lump in my throat, which has still not gone away.
Brooke is a successful R story, like some here. And it just makes me realise again, how a completely remorseful-willing-to-work-on-their-stuff-proactively WS AND an emotionally strong BS, can make all the difference to a successful R. I cant understand how it would work if both werent present. Yes, they are both works in progress, but one cant win without the other.
And it also made me acutely aware, that in my sitch, right now neither is present.

Still, Brooke, meeting you was just awesome (I cant think of a better word). Thank you. And the pecan pie was great too!
****

Welcome MIG. Hope to get to know you well soon.

FSA, you can go ME ME ME anytime here, you know that. We do miss you, but if you find something better to do at night, we understand, dont we girls? :blush

Fnf, my heart ached when I read your post. My Ic told me similar too. In fact H told me that he will never love me as much as I love him, but he will love me the best he can anyone. At the time, I thought that was fine, but IC asked me, "Dont I think I deserve better?

This is still a fresh observation for you, and you will be mulling it over and over for awhile..like I am. I havent found an answer yet that I like, or which works for me.Maybe I am not ready to.

((((FNF))))

Hey Weepy. Dont let him wear you down. Protect yourself friend.

HSmurf (why did you choose that name anyway?
)I am glad you are sounding stronger. Good for you!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
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