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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs V I I I
kelsey913
♀ Member
Member # 17605
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Zanny)))

I'm so sorry; my prayers are with you.


Me - BS
Him - WH
5 Yr LTA
D-Day 8/5/07
Married 28 Years
R

Posts: 90 | Registered: Jan 2008
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((zanny))) You are in my thoughts.

Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zanny, oh no, no, no. My thoughts are there right now, I know Iím late, but Iím knocking on your door with the rest of the tribe bringing you into our safe place. Iím so sorry, this is just shit. Strength from within, you are strong, hang on to that. Zanny sweetie, please hold on and lean on those you can trust. We are here, we are sisters, we are tribal. (((((Zanny)))))

Weepy Ė wait and see. Donít do anything yet. Sit it out, itís hard, but sit on it. Itís called keeping your ammunition dry. But you might find thereís no gunpowder there and itís ok. I hope so.

MC sucked tonight. I just sat and cried. But Iím thinking of those who need some positive thoughts right now. So, to us all, much love and goodnight.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zanny - Just in case you are checking in. More hugs and more strength. We are all here for you when you need us. Please take care.
((((Zanny)))))


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zanny - huge hugs to you as you try to work through this latest heartbreak. We're here and praying for you and sending you as much support as we can.
Thanks to OTC and Run for letting us know and giving us the opportunity to send our hugs, support and prayers to you Zanny.
Weepy, hugs to you too and here's hoping this is nothing more than work-related phone talk.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Zanny)))) Prayers sent out to you for peace and wisdome with what to do right now. I amheartbroken for you.

Weepy, be patient. Wait it out. See what else you find. You'll be glad you did. Without too much info things can easily be explained away. With enough info you will know that it was nothing adn you will be at peace.

Had IC today. It went well.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
zanny
♀ Member
Member # 13183
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your prayers mean so much to me. I can't believe all of your posts to me, it makes me cry...a good thing because I have been in so much shock the last 2 days, I can't cry. It's so hard. So unbelievable. It's too difficult to post right now, but I will update at a later point.

Buckets of white light Sisters.


BS-Me
WS-Him
D-day #1 LTA
False Reconciliation then
D-day #2
In reconciliation


"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."


Posts: 573 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: The Middle of Somewhere
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear friend Zanny. Sending you my warmest hugs and buckets of white light. Thinking of you always.

Blessings,
SVS



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's too difficult to post right now.....

Totally understandable....

Feel the hugs and energy, Zanny...

You are on everyone's mind and heart.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zanny,

I haven't stopped thinking aobut you all day. Prayers have gone out, and strength has been sent. I hope you feel it, and that you will let us help you in whatever way we can.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
kdny
♀ Member
Member # 760
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to stop in and leave a huge (((Hug))) and support for Zanny.

I'm so sorry.


Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes the fine line between a nervous breakdown and knowing things will be okay is a pair of furry pants~unfound

Posts: 81335 | Registered: Dec 2002 | From: Slightly left of center, standing on my head
Zolotas
♀ Member
Member # 15271
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tribe sisters..I've been missing in action for about a month...dealing with me, my emotions and doing positive things for me and my recovery... things are good...however, I arrive here today...Yikes, I see we've moved..nice digs...we have new members - welcome and very sorry that you had to join a club like ours...Thank God for the member here. I wouldn't have made it without them...
....and now, I learn about Zanny.

All I can say - "I feel sick deep in my inner core"

Zanny, we've all got your back, your heart and know we all care so much about you. I am so sorry that has happend to you.

Being part of this sisterhood tribe, we've held hands over the miles, we've bonded and we've reached out for help and we've offered help...you included. We're a special tribe of woman who all truly understand each other...that's why this news hurts so deeply for each of us....we understand.

I missed the times today - but know that you're in my thoughts, now and until you can come up for air, and then we'll continue to hold you close.

I'm really sorry I have been MIA for a month....I've missed so much and missed so much of everyone thoughts, wisdom and even some happiness.

I vow to not stray so far or so long again...I realized today after seeing my therapist...I need all of you ladies..just like Zanny needs us and you all need this tribe of love and support too. We're making progess in one way or another.

Zanny, hugs and prayer to you..you won't be alone in this.

Hugs and please take care of yourself.

Zolotas


[This message edited by Zolotas at 10:40 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 339 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: On my chair
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zanny,

It's so hard. So unbelievable. It's too difficult to post right now, but I will update at a later point.

We, of all people, hear you, understand and respect your needs, and you take your time. You just had a dday. There's no "manual" or "how-to" on getting through this. You do it on your time and take care of YOU. When you reach out, we are all here for you. Sending you strength vibes and huge cyber hugs. I hope you have some people IRL that can also support you through this- a counselor, a trusted friend, a pastor, a family member. Just someone so you don't feel isolated.

Weepy,
Been thinking of you today, also. Hope the phone calls turn out to be nothing.

(((to all the tribal sisters & brothers if you are reading)))

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((Zanny))))))
Still praying for some peace to come your way.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Brokenworld
♀ Member
Member # 15293
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Tribe...
I haven't posted for a while, but learning about Zanny and Weepy makes me realize that even if I haven't much to say they need all the strength and support.

Zanny, we all know how difficult this is for you. My prayers are with you.

Weepy, I am a firm believer that knowledge is power. Keep a record of all calls, dialed and received (including the length of the conversation) and a pattern will soon emerge. Don't reveal your hand until you have enough information - if you do they will go further underground. I played this game for a very long time, it is not easy but it can be done. Good luck


Me: BS
Him: FWH LTA 10+ years
Married:32 years; Together 34
In R I pray
1 Daughter; 1 Son
D-Day 7/2003
Confrontation 8/2004
Relapse 8/2006
Reconciliation...2008

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: SE US
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zanny's agony is uppermost on all of our minds.

Before this group was formed (and eternal thanks to no mor surprises for thinking of it) we all would read daily of false Recon's with members in General...and would cringe at the thoughts of repeating this misery.

Once we all bonded here, specifically for the sharing and understanding from other LTA BS, to get through this particular type of post D-day hell.....we have truly formed our own support group.

We relate on a very deep level to all the "stuff" that LTA betrayal heaps on the BS. We know how many layers and side-pieces there are to it all.

We are no different that any other "support group"... be it for illness, parenting, loss from deaths, rehab from addictions etc.

Except that LTA rehab is such unchartered territory. There just are no books out there that really address it with detail and legitimate advice and god knows most therapists don't seem to have working skills for it...
So it is up to us to watch each others backs, to notice patterns and dissect them and stay focused on our personal goals....and become our own experts.

Zanny's news is excruciating to hear..because we all know the potential for a cheater who has formed that long-standing a pattern for deceit.

I resisted the urge last night to transfer my horror and anger about what Zanny is going through to my H. It would have been easy to do because I am so furious for her plight.
But I did tell him about it....and said, "Unfortunately, I really can "relate" to where she is...the devastation of "finding out" is still fresh enough to make my skin crawl and heart hurt for someone else going through it "again."

I wanted and needed him to hear that..


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi LTA tribe. I am only a little over two months in and am looking for advice or coping. After two months of fog my wife "appears" on board. I myself feel like the barrier as the scope, level, and mind movies are so fresh. It started so early in our marriage.
I also feel like the youngin here. Looking for wisdom. I sometimes am questioning myself. I do not know if I can do it. How do you reconciling veterans move on and handle the pain? I feel so hurt and insane.

[This message edited by heftysmurf at 8:59 AM, January 9th (Wednesday)]


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I resisted the urge last night to transfer my horror and anger about what Zanny is going through to my H. It would have been easy to do because I am so furious for her plight.
Well said Numb! I had the same reaction with my H. What I am feeling for Zanny creates a blanket anger/disgust at ALL of them! Every current/former and contemplating cheater. And you don't even want to know where it's taken me concerning the OW in a general sense. As we all know that was not good before. But you are so right Numb. We have to look out for one another because there is so little understood about this of which I've had a personal experience of this week. We had our MC on Mon. night. H brought up the sitch with Zanny because my emotional reaction to her pain and the situation scared him. He was afraid it would bleed over into our R and resurrect the triggers and wild emotions again. Legitimate concern and I'm glad he brought it up. What happen next surprised the hell out of me. Our MC climbed all over my ass for being so invested in the relationships here at SI and felt I was using SI as surrogate therapy! Also felt I was in dialog here when I should be in dialog with H!Also felt that I was keeping the A and infidelity alive in my M by being here versus moving on. You could have knocked me over with a feather when she said all this. God bless him, my H came to my rescue and told her I would probably not be sitting in that chair if I didn't have SI. WTF? I am still reeling from this. But then I pulled myself back in and said to myself, no one really does understand this, even the professionals, until they have lived it. She has been our MC for 2 years and has done wonders with us but Monday night told me she truly has limitations in understanding this. She asked in the beginning that I not join any on line groups. I held off for a year. But after the whole HPV/surgery thing I HAD to find my tribe!!! I knew I wasn't going to make it unless I could share with people who understood. Anyhow, I needed to get all this out because I was so floored by this. I knew from day one she didn't get the magnitude of this but my H felt very comfortable with her and she had a great way of getting him to trust her and open up. She was also brilliant at getting me to finally feel and truly face my FOO stuff. That helped him/us quite a bit but it didn't do much for me concerning the LTA. All of my healing from that has come from here. I don't know what would have happen to me if I hadn't found you guys! And I know Zanny is feeling the same right now. Having this support network here meant so much to her right away. She said it was different this time knowing she had us here. I wish I had a big hammer to hit the whole therapy/psychology field over the head with for them to get this about LTA and really about infidelity overall!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel so hurt and insane.

Welcome, heftysmurf.....sorry you fit in but glad you found us.

Your description above is EXACTLY what LTA does to your soul. The hurt is so pervasive, you do question your sanity at the early stage you are right now.

And believe me, we ALL have been there....no matter how long ago it was. We all have been "youngin's"...

Yes, the mind movies are deadly and the breath and scope of the betrayal just preys on your mind and heart..like a run-a-away train on a circular track.
Have you an IC or doctor to help you with anxiety/depression? Do you think you need to go that route for now?

Is your WS talking and showing remorse?
One thing about LTA that is pretty consistent is that how and what your WS does, post D-day, will set the tone and potential for how YOU will come out of this.

I am sure you have heard of the roller-coaster ride post D-day for BS.....well, in the LTA world, it is more like a missle ride. The lows can be VERY low.

It takes a LOT of time....months, even years, to achieve a sense of true trust.
Again, so much hinges on what you see coming from your WS.

I am so sorry you are beginning this journey.....but it is what it is.
Unfortunately........Long-Term Affairs = Long Term Recovery

The best thing you can do right now while you are still reeling from it all is to take care of your needs.
You really have to make it about YOU now. Read in the Healing Library...very good stuff in there.

Go back into the archives of this LTA group...so much of it will relate to your situation.

Hang in there....there is life after LTA.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Heftysmurf. Sorry you are here. Two months out is not much time at all and the pain in incredibly raw for you I'm sure. We know what you're going through. It's hell. Getting through this in tact means taking it one day at a time, one hour at a time. It may be like this for a while yet. Many of us can relate to that feeling like you're going to implode. You can hold together and you can make it through this. It takes time though and the thing we have all found to be most helpful it to concentrate on YOU. Focus all your energy on what you need to get through this. Tell your W what you need from her. Hopefully you are in MC and/or IC. Even though I just ranted about it a bit, it's a lifesaver. Keep reading here and posting with your questions and feelings. You may also want to check out betrayed men as well in the I Can Relate forum. Other men can help you process this from a male perspective too. My heart goes out to you Hefty as I know you're in some of the most difficult days now as the shock is wearing off a bit and the reality of it is setting in. Stick around. We do understand.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
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