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User Topic: Long Term Affairs V I I I
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ďYou are my life long love.Ē
That one really made me puke.

We were so good for each other except for the fact that we were both living a lie and betraying our families to the point of destroying them, but other than that we were good huh.

FSA, what a fantasy land they both lived in. Oh, and of course, no one was going to get hurt, were they?

Iíve probably had one too many, Iíve ripped into FWH this w/end and itís still only Saturday!!!

And he still has no answers to my angry questions.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
secondwife
♀ New Member
Member # 17566
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I give all of you a lot of credit. You are stronger than me. I don't cannot understand how someone can say they love you and do what they do!! It makes no sense to me! i asked wh to leave today and fix his own problem. He keeps saying it had nothing to do with me. So I told him once he got it fixed, let me know how you love someone enoght to kill for them by exposing your wife to diseases.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2008
secondwife
♀ New Member
Member # 17566
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry!! I am just tired of my life being consumed by something I had no choice in. Please ignore me!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2008
no mor surprises
♀ Member
Member # 7678
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((secondwife)))))

I am over 3 years out and I know that I will never truly understand this, but I have gotten to the point where I have words such as compartmentalization, dickforbrains,needy and a "recess" relationship that helps me wrap myself around the reality of the lta.

My suggestion is to read alot of old posts and do all that you can do to pamper yourself. If your h wants to R, take your time to decide what you want to do. Don't feel that you "should" r or d. Each sit is different.

Blessings to you.


Posts: 1768 | Registered: Jul 2005
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iíve ripped into FWH this w/end and itís still only Saturday!!!
Oh well!!!!

Sorry I'm just feeling a little cynical this evening. H made an attempt to tell my something that I didn't already know. He told me that one time snaggletooth brought him a bowl of seafood gumbo and it smelled so bad that he threw it away and then when she asked how he liked it, he said he told her that it stank and he trashed it. Yea I bet he did. Like I give a fuck about her and her gumbo. I did point out to him that I'm not looking for what that bitch did, but I want him to be able to tell me what he did. All he can say is "I'm guilty I did it". No shit!!!!

Sorry mini vent.

Secondwife, it helps me to take my anger out on the snaggletooth bitch. If I were to take it out on H, I'd probably be in prison by now. But when I want to I can get on here and cut loose on that bitch.

but I have gotten to the point where I have words such as compartmentalization, dickforbrains,needy and a "recess" relationship that helps me wrap myself around the reality of the lta.
My favorite is still vaginal masturbation.

Sorry to be so angry and glum. Just one of those days. Actually I'm o.k., just don't like looking at him right now.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I get some advice?

We have not been on any real vacation since dday. Usually, we go away in Feb for a week. I am very nervous about planning/doing this given that another dday may happen. We usually travel out of the country to somewhere that I can't "flee" from.

The kids want to go, the H is seemingly remoresful, I wouldn't mind getting away, what do you think we should do?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling angry tonight wh called home from work to say goodnight to the kids. I had also just gotten out of the bath adn he asked if I was naked and when I was, made a comment about that being a good thing. When I put him on hold and came back dressed he made a sad noise.

Seems dumb but he has not thouht of or talked to me in that kind of sexual way in sooooo long. It felt good to be seen that way again. So good.

He asked how I was and I said so-so. He said peachy? And I said no. He said strawberry? and I said no. I said my life is definitely more like a vegetable right now. Lima bean kind of life. I'm hoping it becomes a fruit soon. He said it will. We're good right now. I made a noise and he said we are. And we'll stay that way. You'll see.

I wish he wasn't such a filthy rotten lir b/c I want so badly to believe that right now!

[This message edited by So Lost at 7:49 PM, January 19th (Saturday)]


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are stronger than me. I don't cannot understand how someone can say they love you and do what they do!!

secondwife,

No, We are not any stronger than you.....we just have had more time to adjust to it.

As no mor said (and she has been my guiding light, since she is one year ahead of me in this hell).....you do NOT have to handcuff yourself to a decision either way.

They all say they "love" us and "loved" us while lying and cheating, year after year.

It IS unfathomable how they could do it..but do it, they did.
And then they ALL say, when caught and faced with possible divorce.....
"But... but...I love you and always did."

You will come to know, just as any BS of a LTA eventually comes to know...either you have a chronic cake-eater and degenerate on your hands.....or you have an extremely dysfunctional and emotionally messed up, vacant one.

Whatever it is.....he felt nothing "real" for the slut who chose to be his side-piece. Put the notion that the OW had ANY status over you, out of your head...because she didn't.

"She" was no different from a cup of coffee and cigarette or a drink....for those addicted to either.

She was his drug....and could have been anybody, literally.
Anybody
willing to be a waitress and "dealer" for his addiction to self.
Addicts, once rehab'ed, have no love or respect for their dealer.

Take your time, weigh your options, see if you have any feelings to want to hang in there.....IF...he shows remorse and willingness to get help...and maintains NC.

And...TAKE CARE of YOU now.

What you are going through is pure hell...please know there are people here who understand that.

Hugs

[This message edited by numb and scared at 9:06 PM, January 19th (Saturday)]


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
secondwife
♀ New Member
Member # 17566
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the kind words. I am so consumed by it all. Want to hear something funny. When I saw the picture of her giving him a BJ on the internet and asking others to join, I changed his profile to "gay" and gave his work number. He cancelled his porn account right away!! Wonder how many calls he got But he never said a word about it!!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2008
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want to hear something funny. When I saw the picture of her giving him a BJ on the internet and asking others to join, I changed his profile to "gay" and gave his work number. He cancelled his porn account right away!! Wonder how many calls he got But he never said a word about it!!

You've got style, sw.......

Good for you !!!!!!!


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
up2me
♀ Member
Member # 10681
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shirley,
i vote go. get outta dodge. a change of scenery usually does wonders for me.

Posts: 690 | Registered: May 2006 | From: ny
no mor surprises
♀ Member
Member # 7678
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt Shirley,

Go on a mag trip and try to be in the NOW. I know, easier said than done BUT if you try, I think you might just get on the other side.

FSA,

I bet the gumbo smelled like her snatch.

But as long as your h sticks to the not so good stories abt. the w****, I wouldn't worry.

So Lost,

It sounds like your h is trying. And don't demean limabeans. They are my favorite. Yum,Yum

Secondwife,

You are way too funny!!!!!

And NAS,

You are always soooo complimentary!!!!!!!!



Posts: 1768 | Registered: Jul 2005
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Secondwife,

A belated welcome to the LTA group. I've been sick and not too active here as of late.

But this....

I changed his profile to "gay"

had me laughing so hard I almost peed my pants! You aren't a fellow Scorpio, are you? That sounds like something I would have done!

FSA, Hope those blues you can chase right away. You really have been on the roller coaster lately, huh? Hang on tight, you will get through.

Weepy, Sounds like you have some more insight into your H after the last MC session. Good for you.

HS, as far as the possible vacation/getaway.... here's my personal input. I went away on a family vacation fairly soon after dday and it was a disaster. My emotions were volatile and I never should have gone, but I didn't want to disappoint the kids. So, I say go with what your gut says. YOU know your emotional temperature. It could be a great thing or a horrible experience, depending on whether or not you are ready to do it. The next trip we took after the 1st one post dday was much, much better for me because I had calmed down. Sooooo, if you are approaching an antiversary or having certain triggery times, best not to plan trips during those times. But if you are OK, then the trip is actually a chance for you to build new memories. At a certain point, I started looking at each of these trips/family times as a new opportunity to build memories and it was almost like we were dating again, starting fresh. I remember our first trip just the two of us with no kids after dday... really, the clock began ticking again after dday on our "new" relationship.

Well, hopefully I have been understandable, despite my codeine and meds for my lingering bronchitis

Night all,
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((FSA))))
Sorry you are feeling blue.
At least he tried though, right? The thing is, FSA, its like a double edged sword. Do you really want him sitting there, racking his brains, thinking about Sluterer and what they did?
Wouldnt you rather, it occured to them in the course of time, then he told you, instead of him, taking a deliberate trip down Memory Lane?
Tell him that if he does remember something, and he cant tell you because of timing, mood etc.then he should write it down (so he wont forget), and then bring it up at the soonest good time.
Also small 2x4 my friend.
(And You know how much I care about you)
He did remember something (not exactly what you wanted but still), and then you bammed him. Maybe next time cut him a little slack, so he will be more forthcoming, and able to access those boxes more easily?

It all sucks though, doesnt it?

Ukgirl, what questions are you asking? ARe they un-answerable ones, or just difficult ones?
Angry phase is so difficult isnt it?
((((UKgirl))))

Welcome secondwife. Your profile doesnt say anything, so I am guessing your dday was fairly recent. The most impt thing now SW is to look after yourself. Hang out here when you can. Read back previous threads. We all dont have the same situation, but the similarities betw us are sad (and a little eerie ), so you are bound to say, "Thats me!".

Shirley, take the vacation, but doing your prep first.
Make sure the destination is triggerfree as possible (they hadnt been there or spoke of going there etc )and then tell yourself, for the duration of the holiday, I will forget the A and before. I will be focused on the now. Whenever something comes up (trigger), I will acknowledge it, and let it go. I will come back to it when I get back home.
The kids are going to have a blast, and I need a change of scenery. This is a good occassion for H to show me what he can do for us, so I will allow him to. For me. For the kids. For him.

You can do it.I know it will be more challenging, but like you guys are going to have that first holiday at some point, so might as well get it out of the way now. Our first one was a disaster before we even left. Whilst we were there, I did the best I could to make it up to the kids.It helped that H was at meetings most of the day, so the kids and I were able to make some new memories. The second and third were much easier and nicer, and what really helped, was that I allowed H to take over. I sat back and had a holiday, and he got a chance to prove to himself and me, that he could be in charge of our family successfully. We all benefited!
Make sure the place has good spa facilities!

Hey uptome, how are you?

SoL, what were you angry about? Do you know, or was it just the usual LTA angries?
You will be a fruit again ( )SoL, in time. And did you have to chose vegetables? I LOVE veggies! Next time choose something like sheep entrails.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostH, just the usual that we all want to know and the WH has tried to give answers but Iím afraid I JUST DONíT UNDERSTAND. So, I carry on going round in circles. The short version is:

Why did you have an affair?
B/c I was at a low point in my life
Did you love me?
Yes, I never stopped loving you
So, knowing what the probable outcome would be, why did you have an affair?

I wanted to know his overall feeling towards the A. To know about one good time he had with her and what made it good. The lead-up to the A, the point at which it became physical. His emotional involvement with her, how he felt. The end of the affair, what changed to make it finish.

This morning he said he couldnít answer them all, he finds it too draining and upsetting to talk about in detail. So, his overall feelings are ones of relief and release when he told me, followed by sadness, betrayal, pain, guilt, the knowledge that the outcome was inevitable and now he has a complete lack of self worth in any aspect of his life purely due to what he did and what he allowed himself to do. He betrayed his own values and morals. I hope he doesnít expect me to feel sorry for him.

One good time? They walked in a country park thatís some distance from her work and even further from her home. It sounds like they did it several times. There are some nice tea rooms there. It didnít seem so much of a betrayal, he was just with a friend and he enjoyed her company. The betrayal was when he spent the night with her. But generally, the times he spent with her were not happy memories. They argued a lot and it was destructive. Heís conveniently forgetting that those times also led to our destructive moments. Little by little, he was tearing our marriage apart.

Which reminds me of another txt Ė something like ďI donít want to lose your friendship, canít we just be friends?Ē WTF?????

SWife, My FWH also said it was nothing to do with me. I guess in that way he was not blaming me and accepting full responsibility. As a response, Iíd say itís very positive, esp this early on. And I loved your internet story, ROTFLMAO!!!

Shirley, I donít remember much about our first ďgetawayĒ, it was 4mths after DDay and we went away for a week to a couple of spa/golf hotels on the Scottish Borders. MIL & FIL came up to sons/dogs/house sit. I remember she was shocked at how thin I was. We walked the coast, used the spa facilities, had candle lit dinners. It was the start of me saying I wanted him to stay in my life. But I can only say that with hindsight. And every break has got better. My advice would be to make it a long w/end or up to a week. Thatís manageable. Do it.

I bet the gumbo smelled like her snatch.
BWAAH,HA,HA,HA


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost I'll accept the 2x4.... but when he offered that info I did accept it, I just also pointed out that it is always "her" he tries to rat on, never himself.

Tell you what I think I'm looking for. I don't want all these little details. They are meaningless just like their relationship was. I still feel it in my gut that he has never come clean with me on some things. When it began, when it ended, how in depth it was. I've had so many lies about those. It could have began anywhere from 1995 to 1998. He's told it both ways. He's sticking to the 1998. Anyway, I think I will know it when and if he tries to open up to me. I don't want all the little stuff I just want my H to be able to bust those damn walls down. He can't bring himself to do that. All the stories I read on here that H's have told to their W's. I've never gotten that. It's always "it happened, I screwed up". He can't ever dig deep. I guess he is just a classic case of "you reap what you sow". B/c he reaped lies and now I can't believe anything he says. But I do truly believe that I'll know the truth when I hear it.

Secondwife, I agree you do have style. Chalk one up for you.

No mor, yea I bet that was some nasty gumbo and snatch!!! Poor little bitch was trying to show off her cooking skills that he could enjoy if he would just leave his wife and come to her. Nasty gumbo and snatch to go with it every night.

Shirley, we took a family vacation soon after Dday and it went well. But H was still lying to me at the time. It was before he had admitted to LTA, and we haven't had another vacation since then. So, listen to the other ladies, I can't really say.

Well I need to clean my thoughts and mouth up so that I can go and finish preparing for Children's Church.

Have a great day
FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoL, what were you angry about? Do you know, or was it just the usual LTA angries?
You will be a fruit again ( )SoL, in time. And did you have to chose vegetables? I LOVE veggies! Next time choose something like sheep entrails.

Sorry, I hate lima beans! lol My life isn't quite sheep entrails, but it's headed that way. I think he is trying, it jst seems like a long road.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley - take the trip if you think you're ready. Be sure to build into it whatever YOU need/want versus the kids and H. Spa time, etc. Maybe also have your own room or space/place you can retreat to if you need it. At some point you have to begin creating new memories in your life. Next week will be our 2 yr. antiversary of Dday and I realized I have so many new and good memories of things we've done and seen in the past two years. They are replacing the tainted memories of years where the A was happening.

As an aside, I have to tell you guys that I booked a large dinner party at our house with a group of friends on Dday antiv. and didn't even remember it was Dday until a couple of days ago! I think that's a pretty good sign of moving past this shit a little.

FSA - I hope I'm not one of those on here that gives you the impression my H sings like a canary about his A. He doesn't. We've only gotten to the point where I can bring it up and he can respond to what I'm asking with some elaboration on his part because I no longer have emotional reactions to his responses. Many times I'll bring up what I've read here on SI and asked questions and he'll answer from an emotionally uncharged place because it's not about him. Believe me, his butt still puckers up when he has to talk about his A and I think that will be the case forever. He also doesn't go into great elaboration about his own A but will answer fully when I ask now that he knows I can handle hearing it and am not going to go nuts with emotion. This started to change when we had some long stretches of me not triggering or having emotional upsets. They live in terror that anything they are going to say will rock the boat even more. This may well be why your H is witholding as he is. ((((FSA)))

HB, sorry to hear you're still not feeling well. Hope you're on the mend though. Sounds like this bug really zapped you! Hope you're catching up on lots of trashy TV and reading though!

SecondWife - Welcome! And you had me cracking up too. I agree with no mor - you've got style girl!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and I don't know what I was mad about. What's not to be mad about? He has messed everything up and sometimes that just hits me right between the eyes. Everything will always be different.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to know his overall feeling towards the A. To know about one good time he had with her and what made it good. The lead-up to the A, the point at which it became physical. His emotional involvement with her, how he felt. The end of the affair, what changed to make it finish.

This morning he said he couldnít answer them all, he finds it too draining and upsetting to talk about in detail. So, his overall feelings are ones of relief and release when he told me, followed by sadness, betrayal, pain, guilt, the knowledge that the outcome was inevitable and now he has a complete lack of self worth in any aspect of his life purely due to what he did and what he allowed himself to do. He betrayed his own values and morals. I hope he doesnít expect me to feel sorry for him.

I could have written your post. H did answer these exact type of questions, feels the same way yours does about what he allowed himself to do, and actually doesn't expect me to feel sorry for him. The answers helped me to organize things in my mind, made me feel like there weren't so many private secrets between them if I knew more, but didn't really help me get my mind around the whole thing.

After two and a half years out, I don't think I ever really will. But it's worth hearing what you want to hear and getting those answers, no matter that it's draining to WS.

We had a "talk" yesterday, and some painful things came up (remember we have OC issues so the infidelity doesn't fade as much as it can after that amount of time for us)--then we went out for the evening and had a good time. H asked me how I could act as though I feel so much better, after such a painful discussion without any resolution at all about certain of the topics. It's just painful for him, and not helpful to talk about stuff that is terrible to him and has no solution right now (again OC issues and OW craziness). He really never got that--talking about it all just make him feel worse and worse.

I tried to explain that each time we talk about something, and work on the infidelity issues a little more (which do get sidetracked with the OC stuff), something comes up for me that is either more knowledge or more reassurance or something. And the fact that he can have these conversations even though they're painful for him, both seeing my hurt still there or reminding him of his own failings, adds to my feeling that he is really committed to our R and has loyalty to our M--the fact that he's in the M and didn't leave isn't enough for me yet--does that make sense?


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