Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs V I I I
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey FSA
Hope your spirits got lifted after some time with the little ones. I sort of gave up hope that my H will sing like a canary. He keeps his answers to the minimum. Many times he says he just doesnt remember. With LTA#1, I can accept that, because he doesnt remember much of our M, or the kids or anything significant which occured at the same time.
With LTA#2, I have a harder time accepting, because he totally withdrew from our little family, and actually considered leaving us for her. They were pretty intense, but he still expects me to see as it as casual. He said the same things over and over, "We just used each other.We just talked shit. We were just stupid. It really wasnt that much time." But he wont give me more than that.
I would also like him to come to me when he triggers, and tells me how bad he feels, or how sorry he is, etc.But he doesnt.

Honestly, I think what upsets him most, is not what he did to me or the kids, but what he did to himself. HE has always thought so highly of himself, and hates it that he let himself down.
I have gone off the topic, havent I?

SO guess I am in the same boat as you FSA, except you are stronger...I gave up fighting it.

Ukgirl, I also hope you will find the answers you are searching for, or at least answers that bring you some kind of closure. How about you stick to one question at a tiem, and then explore that thoroughly? Sounds like alot of effort and energy on your side, but worth a try. Of course he wont like it and will find it draining. DOes he think listening to it is easy for you? What if he sees it as a carthatic experience, as an opportunity to air his demons? If he wants, how about he discusses one question with IC every week, explore it with her, and then come home and discuss it with you?

SoL, you are right, there is so much to get upset about. I try for the most part these days to keep the dogs at bay, but some days, they all come barging in, and I get totally snowed under.

Everything will always be different.

If you had as crappy a M as I did, for me this is not a bad thing, believe it or not.
We started the M on shaky ground, I thought it would get better if I just blahblah, but it got worse.
For the first time ever, there are only 2 people in this M. The ghosts of Whores Past still linger in the shadows, somedays they are stronger, other days not. I pray for the day when they will be exorcised completely.
We are at the stage of R, where our present challenges are not so much about them or the LTA's, but our own selves, as we both struggle to emerge out of the wreckage, and move forward.
We both have so much healing and relearning and selfdiscoveries and recovery to do...I wonder sometimes, if we will make it.
Just one day at a time.

Different can sometimes mean better.

OTC, you forgot the date!!
Thats wonderful.

A big dinner? So whats your menu like? Nosy mind with nothing else to do, like to know.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I bet the gumbo smelled like her snatch.

OK, no mor, now get over here and clean up the liquid that spurted out my nose all over my monitor!!!

Awesome.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
canbird
♀ Member
Member # 17238
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading here for months. Okay, I have seen that line many times as well. My husband of 20 years has been having a EA/PA for over 2 years. I had the privledge of walking in on them in October (my birthday, hurray!). I kicked him out. One month later he is back with a full disclosure that it is all over. Then the two months of what is wrong with our marriage, what is wrong with me, why it was so nice with her............okay tonight I find out that it is not over. Still involved emotionally and physically. I did one thing right. I called her husband. Turns out my husband promised hers that he would stop (did hell freeze over and I didn't notice?). My teenage daughter ran away tonight cuz she can't cope. I kicked him and his underwear to the curb (seriously, there is major snow here and all his personals were on display). I know there is a reason that pain is a four letter word.


I know now that in the heart of my angel, lies the soul of the devil.

Posts: 243 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Canada
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Canbird.
I am so sorry. You are in the middle of the storm, and although it may feel now like this will never end, please hold onto the thought that your life will on even keel oneday.

One issue at a time.
Is your DD back home? If not, do you know if she is safe? Do you have any other kids? How are they? The most impt thing for them to know right now, is that no matter what happens between you and H, that you will always love them, and protect them. Is it possible for someone to come help out at home for a short while?

As for H. What an asshat.
You have been through the a dday already, so you know the most impt mantra at this time for you is, "LOOK AFTER YOURSELF".
That includes eating and sleeping as well as you can. Too often we neglect ourselves at this stage, to tend to the kids or by running around trying to pick up the pieces, but then it all catches up with us, and then we have no more strength or fortitude to carry on. So please be kind to yourself.

I hope that we can help you through this Canbird. The rest of the Tribe will be in later.

Again, I am so sorry.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to our tribe, Canbird, although a new member is never a good thing. If you’ve been lurking, you know that this site will be able to offer you solace and comfort, strength and determination, understanding and advice. We all know what you are going through and I really wish I had found this site back in the summer of 2006 when I spent most of my time Googling “affairs” and every connotation I could think of. I really needed to find others in the same situation and to not feel so desperately alone amongst the devastation and detritus of my marriage. I’ve come on in leaps and bounds these last few months and feel I have many friends here.

You have to be honest with your DD and have her understand that you need her to be tolerant of your plight. She is old enough to take everything on board, and you are doing her no favours if you keep stuff from her. Your WH needs to be honest with you and you need to be honest with your D.

Do you have anyone IRL to talk to? Who else knows about your situation?

Hugs to you. This is the worst time, but you will get through it.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Health Reportback:
I have cut down quite abit on tea, chocs, biskies and crisps. Instead of drinking about 8 mugs of tea/coffee a day (with accompaniments
), I have been drinking 4-5 teacups (yes, every ml makes a diff!).

However, not possible to join a gym at this time, but hope to do so, when I start bringing home some £££.
Havent done more than weekly pilates, so aim to increase that at least.

From ukmsn.com this morning:
If you don't like Mondays, you'll really hate today. It's officially been named Blue Monday by a psychologist and former tutor at Cardiff University, who has used a mathematical formula to prove that it's the most depressing day of the year.

Dr Cliff Arnalls cites foul weather and failed New Year resolutions as major contributors to this state of affairs. Also high on his list of contributing factors are debts built up over Christmas, the arrival of the bills for the season of goodwill and the anticipation of a pay packet that may well be too small to cover them.

So make sure you feel the love today Tribe!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning tribe. Sorry I've been MIA but my H has been home for a long weekend and hovers over me if he sees me in the computer room. He's off to work today! Hooray!!!
Once again, it seems that you go away for a few days and return only to find new members. Makes me feel so frustrated and furious to see so many suffering. To our new members, welcome and trust that you will find all the support and good advice you need to help you through these rough days.
FSA, sorry I missed your birthday. Sounds like it was very nice and wow, what a lovely gift from your H.
Lost - you're sounding great and giving such good advice to the newbies. You are such an asset to our little group. BTW, when do you start your job? We're going to miss you when you're too busy to post as often.
UKgirl - Your posts sound so much like what I'm going through right now. Just can't get past that idea our H's desperately want us to believe that they loved us all the while they were "shagging" (love this word) these wh--es. I always tell him when he says this that if this is his idea of love - NO THANK YOU!
NoMor - your comment was hilarious! You had us all in stitches over that one.
HurtShirley - I'm all for the vacation. I know there is the chance for triggers, but getting away, escaping, can be so good for us. I'm sure you've heard me say this before but 2 1/2 months after d-day my DD was married in the islands. It was a 5 day celebration with 22 guests. I could not imagine how I was going to get through it but I did and you know what, IT WAS FANTASTIC! Of course, I could barely look at my H at times, but I enjoyed every aspect of that weekend. I took pleasure in it all and when I couldn't look at my H, I spent time with my kids, my family or just chilled on the beach. And as others have said, sometimes this is an opportunity to create new memories - good ones. I'm anxious to hear what you decide but if we're taking a poll, I'm all for you going on that vacation. Just make sure you do spoil yourself - the spa day is a wonderful idea. Nothing soothes the soul like a good massage, soothing music and lots of pampering.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 7:58 AM, January 21st (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, Canbird.

I'm sorry for what you are going through, but I think you have done the right thing, both in pitching him out and in calling the husband. Your husband needs to face the cold light of reality instead of slithering around with the OW in the dark. Good on you for shining the light.

Let me second Lost's advice to take care of yourself. Try to eat, sleep and exercise regularly. If you are not in some kind of counseling, or do not have someone IRL to talk with, perhaps this is the time to find a counselor.

As for your daughter, I would suggest some counseling for her, too. I trust she is back safe with you.

How are you this a.m.?

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Monday check in.

I only did the elliptical twice last week, so didn't quite make my goal there. But I did pretty well on the eating, so I'm giving myself a grade of B, and hoping for improvement this week.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

25wimsey. You will have a constant reminder in the OC of your H’s A. He is always going to “pay” for his mistake b/c it is payment in the literal sense. Unfortunately, that means you are paying too. It just seems so unfair.

LostH.

Honestly, I think what upsets him most, is not what he did to me or the kids, but what he did to himself. HE has always thought so highly of himself, and hates it that he let himself down.

I think it’s b/c my H thought so highly of himself that he deluded himself into thinking that HIS A was somehow “different” and that he was clever and deceptive enough to never get found out. And, in a way, it was different (but then, I suppose they all are), XGF and all that and b/c she was removed from any other part of his life, it was “safe”. Doesn’t stop it being a betrayal of the worst sort. Didn’t stop him relegating me to a convenient nobody. I think I’ll have to get that doormat that says “I AM NOT A DOORMAT”. Now, which catalogue did I see it in?

Still thinking of you Zanny. Hope you’re coping.

Hefty? How’s it going?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome canbird.

I'm sorry you had to experience d-day twice. It's never ceased to floor me that someone could do this to their loved one more than once. He obviously didn't get it and was too deep into his "drug".

Is your daughter home now? If not, do you know where she is? How much does she know? The one thing I wish with all my heart that I could go back and do over is having my daughter find out. I couldn't control myself after d-day. I yelled and screamed and cried and wailed (God, I hate those memories), and she was home. She heard it all. She knows most of his story (God willing, not ALL of it). I hate that she's been tarnished with this. She will carry everything I went through with her for the rest of her life. SHE is forever changed right along with me. This is going to affect HER future relationships and HER level of intimacy with her partner. It absolutely breaks my heart.

So, if your daughter knows, try and talk with her about HER feelings. She probably won't want to. She'll be "fine" and have nothing to say. But keep trying. Check in with her at least once a week. I started telling my daughter she had to come up with at least one thing to talk about weekly. (Unfortunately, it didn't last long because she said she didn't have anything.) If you can get her into counseling, all the better. My daughter went once, and swore she would never go back. I wish I wouldn't have given her the choice. Maybe you could go together, and then at the counselor's suggestion, you could "wait outside". This is so important, I can't even begin to express. You are creating an grown up, and everything you do is so damned important. (I can't believe that my H didn't take that into consideration. )

If she doesn't know, but knows you are fighting, as HARD as I KNOW it is...STOP doing it when she's around. If you have to, make arrangements for her to go to a friend's for a couple of hours. This may not be an issue since you've kicked your H out, but even fighting over the phone.

I know I'm rambling about this, but truly...this is the one thing that I will regret for the rest of my life.

Welcome aboard. And yes, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. I know you don't WANT to--do it anyway. You HAVE to. Trust us.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello and Good Morning All

Feeling feisty today, watch out. I really don't have much time right now, I'm fighting those dust bunnies and let me add that they are winning.

Children's Church was GREAT yesterday. The last couple of weeks I've been trying to follow a lesson plan and was having a hard go with that. Yesterday I just read a lengthy scripture passage and then told the story. Just shot from the hip and that worked sooo much better. The kids seemed to enjoy it too. During my story I did have all of their attention.

Canbird, welcome. Check back in with us and give us an update on your DD.

I only did the elliptical twice last week
BT, Sarge is still trying to figure out what the heck that is.

Lost I agree with FNF, Wow, what good advise you have been giving. Keep up the good work.

O.K. I've got my sleeves rolled up, so watch out dust bunnies, here I come.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi tribe. Sorry that we have new members :-( Welcome to hell. Comfy couch on the left. We are your friends and are likely the only people that will truly understand your pain.

I hope and believe I can make it through this. For the first time today I believe we may be beginning R. My wife actually opened up to me at the deep level. I so much have wanted that. More than anything. 1st time I felt a baby step foward today :-)

I think most WS are so embarassed and guilty that they have such a hard time getting to this point. In a way I think the key to moving forward is them learning that they basically have to eat that themselves and deal with it. Serves no purpose. You are darn right you should be embarrased and guilty. You did this. Deal with what you have done. Swallow that stuff and deal with us! It sucks doesn't it. Well imagine us!

I (we) am forced to deal with the fact that somebody touched the love of my(our) life in a way that was promised to ONLY be for me. Darn mind movies SUCK. Having a photographic memory now really sucks. LOL. Not only that you may have felt a false love for that person. Wait a minute.... I thought you loved and married me!
These two pills that are oh so bitter and must be swallowed to move on. It takes two to deal with so much pain to really save the marriage and move on.

I wish you all luck and hope my rant helps.
Good luck to all.


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reporting in for Monday...

Since the doctor thinks I now have a herniated disc in my lower back, the exercise has taken a back seat to ice packs and motrin. MRI on Wednesday to confirm and then we'll see about rehabbing it. H has been moderately concerned. When I told him the drs diagnosis, he immediately blamed the chiropractor, forgetting once again that I went to him BECAUSE there was a problem, not the reverse. He still blames teh guy for his neck injury, like I said, forgetting, that he went there because he was having pain in the first place.

Oh, and I ate like crazy, cooking for DS and his GF since he was home for his birthday!

We had a great weekend and a really productive MC on Friday night. Found out he feels completely helpless when I'm hurting. Confused. So he sees those feelings as "yucky" (MC word) and quickly covers them up with attack mode. Which led to our discussion of the wall he hides behind. I'm working on a poem about it.

Canbird, the LTA has that situation of failed NC quite often. Mine SAYS he cut it off and that was it, but I have my doubts since it was close to another 2 years between when he said it ended and we started to have sexual relations again. Either it took him that long to box it all up and put it away or it was still going on and he's lied. Good on telling her H. Too bad these kids of ours get the shaft too, without the benefit of some life experience to give them perspective, their whole life has ended. My son went through a terrible time for months after Dday since he was a witness. He still bears the scars but won't consider counseling. He's an adult now so I can't force the issue.

UK, I could copy and paste your whole post above. WE touched on that quite a bit... how his "truth" was manufactured because he couldn't live with what he was actually doing. I don't know if we'll ever get to the point where he accepts that.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA:

An elliptical trainer is kinda like a cross between a treadmill and a stair stepper. You can run or walk on it without a lot of impact, which is good for old folks like me whose joints are creaky.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
no mor surprises
♀ Member
Member # 7678
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Canbird))))

Welcome to a good place. I love it that you threw his clothes to the snow covered curb. Unfortunately, false R is more common than one would think. I hope that he sees the light once his ugly affair is exposed.

I am sorry about your pain and your dd's pain. I agree with run's advice.

Blessings


Posts: 1768 | Registered: Jul 2005
no mor surprises
♀ Member
Member # 7678
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Monday health/diet checkin.

I did not do real well. I met my exercise goals and did drink my greens but the rest of diet was filled with too much junk.

My goals for next week are to ex at least 2 times, walk once, green drink, and stay away from sweets.

Good luck all!!!!!


Posts: 1768 | Registered: Jul 2005
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT thanks for the description on the elliptical trainer, but the Sarge said to tell you that it sounds like something good to hang clothes on, that's what I do with my ab lounger. Being as it is called an ab "lounger" I'm thinking about taking it outside this summer and do some tanning on it. At least it would get some use that way.

Heftysmurf, hang in there. It's a rough ride but you will make it through. Sounds like you're doing pretty good today though.

O.K. I did say that I was feeling feisty today.

H How did it get this bad
O Oh my gosh what a mess
U Ugly dust bunnies about
S Someone save me
E Eek whats that in the fridge
W Whew it smells in here
O Oh will I ever finish
R Really should have done this before
K Kinda lookin better now

Back to it. Sarge it driving me hard today.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Monday report-in.....

OK, this should make ALL of you felt like you accomplished something this week. I did *nothing*, yep, that's it, *nothing*.... I am finally getting over this nasty bronchitis & flu that my entire family had. I even stayed home from work & laid around, which is so not typical for me. Soooo, I did not excercise. AND when I feel yucky with a cold I am more tempted by sweets (yeah, I admit it, I had a few of those ice cream cones)....

Now that my confession is over, moving on to next week. My goal is to excercise 2x during the week and to get back on Weight Watchers points slowly. Say 5 of the days stick to my WW points.

This time, I'm for real!

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There ya'll go with the wayward wife stuff again. Sarge can never figure out why ya'll want points for that??

I want everybody to get out their 2x4's and whack away at me. Please somebody straighten me out. I cannot stop myself from doubting. I cause all kinds of turmoil in my R with this. H keeps taking it, but for how long? I honestly don't mean to keep doing this, but I can't find a way to stop it. Maybe some good blows up side my head with 2x4's will help. Get rough with me. Yell and scream. Remind me that I am not perfect, so quit being Holier than Thou.

I've got some errands to run. Maybe when I get back I will be prepared to take my medicine.

FSA

PS: Am I the only one that does this???


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.