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User Topic: Long Term Affairs V I I I
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS: Am I the only one that does this???

FSA - no 2x4's from me. I can't speak for anyone else, but no matter how much I think I'm past this, the doubts and distrust build over weeks (used to be over days) and before I know it I'm a screaming banchee and my H stands there and waits (and I'm sure prays) that one day all my rants will be done with. My mom told me early on that I'd better not do this for too long because she didn't think my H would tolerate beyond a few months. Fortunately, our MC told him that there was a lot of poison that needed to come out and that if he really wanted this M to work, he'd better be there for me when this puss and gore (yuck) builds up and my wound needs to be lanced. I'm 2 years out and I can say this, my rants aren't as frequent. I will say though, I can't wait till there're done - it's too draining on both of us.
(((FSA)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no matter how much I think I'm past this, the doubts and distrust build over weeks (used to be over days)
It's still days for me. I can't hardly make it a week. It just makes me feel like I'm running in circles. Thanks FNF, once again I don't feel so alone. My problem is not rants, it's silence. I draw within myself, and shut H out. That's part of how we got to where we are at. I know I'll probably get 2x4's for that statement, but it is the truth. And when I draw within, and H does not know what to do, then I just get worse until it comes to a head, then we start all over again.
H is not only suffering my regular rounds with doubt but he also is kicking himself for being the cause of my instability. He knows how frustrating it is to me to go round and round and not be able to stop it. He carries the complete blame for all of it. And at times (like this morning) he folds. Then I feel terrible that I have managed to push him to his limit.
I will say though, I can't wait till there're done - it's too draining on both of us.
Amen to that one. I have not lost my faith that one day this will be behind me. And I will succeed in going days, weeks, maybe even months without thinking about it. I will get there. But until I do, I guess I'll just have to keep leaning on all of the Tribe, that is until ya'll say "enough".

More dust bunnies await me

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
canbird
♀ Member
Member # 17238
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the wonderful posts. DD is almost 18. Our son is at university so she has the house (no longer a home but the roof and walls are still standing) all to herself. She knows way too much and he was the one who told her . I found her this morning. She has written a beautiful two page letter to her dad. She gave me a copy. Don't know if she will actually give it to him, her choice. Here are two of the best lines.

"When you stepped in to my room last night and fed me the same there are reasons people cheat line, I couldn't help but feel disgusted. It sounds more like a line you use now so that I won't feel this burn of hate and betrayal I feel right now."

No I do not confide in her and will not. She needs to know that she is loved and supported by us both. With him out of the house (and his cellphone and computer in pieces ) he can only call her on our home phone. I will not let him give her any more "facts" As for counselling, I will try. I have offered after DD #1 but she refused. It sounds like I may need to not give her the option. I did talk to her school counsellor this morning who will be touching base with her daily this week.

Just met with the OW's husband. A really nice guy, go figure. A very Christian family and he asked me not to "blow the lid off this" at the place that OW and husband work as that would be devastating to him and his children. I agreed to think about it as I really do not want to hurt any more innocent bystanders. Thoughts?


I know now that in the heart of my angel, lies the soul of the devil.

Posts: 243 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Canada
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the newbies--so sorry for all the pain.

no matter how much I think I'm past this, the doubts and distrust build over weeks (used to be over days)

You're not alone with this--goes for me as well. I don't rant as much when I "blow", but still withdraw a bit then have another "talk" which results in the same old mini-vent about the same old stuff--H takes it, but feels so much worse and that shows--it's a terrible vicious cycle. But it is poison that has to be let out, I agree with that.

Canbird, H's OW is single, so I didn't have that experience of having the spouse know about the infidelity--but as long as your OW's H knows, I think that's the most important thing. I know some experts think that the whole thing should be exposed, at work, in the extended family, etc., but I don't see that unless it comes to your H continuing the A, gaslighting you, and not doing what needs to be done to reclaim your marriage.

Sometimes, the more people know, the worse it is for BS and Ws--at least in some of the stuff I've read.

Sorry about your DD--we haven't told our kids yet, and I dread that. I too wonder how much H plans on divulging, how he will explain, all that--we need to have some discussions about that too. Never ends, does it.

We had a pretty good weekend as far as "us" goes--things will heat up the closer we get to the next visit with OC--OW always prevents just a normal visitation with something or another. Thank god they're 6000 miles away.

I still find myself thinking about an escape plan, trying to think out just how I would proceed--oddly enough, that gives me some comfort, I don't feel so helpless or out of control. And even though H is with me and in our M totally, I still can't shake the tiny nugget of doubt inside. Better to be aware of that and plan for the worst--always been that way, expect the worst, plan for it, and hopefully be pleasantly surprised when the worst never happens. What a way to live.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
mindisgone
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Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS: Am I the only one that does this???

FSA and FNF, I do this too, and it only takes days i'm afraid. I say and worse, feel such ugly things. Please tell me it's normal to feel such rage. It's one of the things about all this that i resent most., he did this and now i get to be this creature i don't recognise.
Welcome Canbird, So sorry you're here too.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

canbird, since loss of respect is one of the byproducts of this mess, for the BS as well as the WS, I can understand the H's request. Plus you don't know their family situation, they may depend on her income, benefits, etc. I would respect his wishes for now. He needs to know he has some kind of control over his life. He may change his mind in the future anyway.

I am working on a free form poem for my H. Don't know if he'll "get" it or not, but since we're talking about doubts, I'll reprint one line from it.

A wife wounded and wondering looking for a way to reach the man she used to know, frightened and unsure of the actor in front of her

My H has been 3 men in our marriage. The guy I married, the loving, supportive, involved father. A dreamer, a hard worker.

The affair guy -- distant, mean, angry, obsessive, controlling, abusive at home and all around great guy to everyone else.

And now, confused, very controlled, cold one moment, helpless the next. Affectionate, but holding back.

I don't know who he is any more.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA,
But until I do, I guess I'll just have to keep leaning on all of the Tribe, that is until ya'll say "enough".

Sorry Chicko! You are stuck with us for a looonnngg time...good and bad.

And you are not the only one. You know that I do the same. Sometimes it helps get it out(esp when H is able to give something back), and sometimes I feel so helpless..like in the old Greek tragedies with the ordinary people just raging against the gods...but to no avail. KWIM?

But believe it or not FSA, I felt the same way you do, and it does get better with time. I have gone through a whole week, sometimes even 2, without freaking out.
It seems follow some cycle, and if I dont get it out in time, it just blows up even worse than it had to. Like 25W said, the poison has to be let out.

I am glad though that your H is there for you, and able to support you. That must make a HUGE difference. I guess they (WS) have their bad times too. The trick is finding that balance, isnt it? Let me know when you do.Please.

Canbird, you are sounding a little better (even some humor..good for you!).
I dont think its appropiate for your H to be speaking to your DD like that. She is not his confidant or his friend, so prevail on him to maintain THIS boundary.
She cannot be carrying his burden.Being a daughter witnessing this and understanding it, must be tough enough as it is.

OWH knows that they are still carrying on, and seemed fine.
Weepy is right..you dont know their financial setup, and it would be horrible for more innocent lives to be hurt by 2 selfish people. However, dont make any promises to that affect for now.

So where do they (WH and OW) stand now?

25W, I dont blame you for having an escape plan, esp if it makes you feel like you have some control over your life. God knows, so much has been taken away from us.

Fnf, how are you my Friend?
I still dont know when I start.
Apparently UK councils are known to take their time with paperwork. If I could, I would do the bloody thing myself! In triplicate!

Mig, yes its normal to feel the rage. I think I am saying that to convince myself.
You know what really gets me steaming? 2 things.
1. The utter waste and uselessness of the whole thing.
2. The unnecessary pain and heartache that ripples across so many innocent people.

They knew what they were doing was wrong.
They knew people would get hurt.
They knew that there was no future...no matter what crappy lines they fed each other.
They knew it, but did it anyway...time after time, month after month, year after year.
Just so sad and pathetic.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Checking in..and not terribly perky.

I did do "some" Pilates this week...did maintain water amounts..but uhh, maintained carbs too...a bit too much....and no walking.

canbird, welcome.
I will PM you about kids knowing about the A when I get a moment tonight......not everyone has this component and I don't want to clog up the thread for those who don't.
But I do very much understand your pain about your daughter.
And had the POS OW's H hadn't already left her early into the LTA and was still available when I found out....be sure he would have been told. But then again, he didn't tell me, did he...he just dumped her.

2nd anti-versaary is soon...and I am not in a good space at all.
cowgirl, I am glad you were able to blot our yours. I am working on it.....not having much success.

Moon is getting full....pretty...but a catalyst for heightened emotions....

Looking for any excuse, aren't I?

Hugs to all.....


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Canbird - Welcome to our tribe. Good job getting him out of the house and away from your DD. Do you think you can find someone that you could go to togther (you and DD) who could help her with the trauma of what she has been told. Please don't think that just because she is 18 she can handle this - she has had a terrible shock. We are all concerned for her. We are all also concerned for you. As others have said, please take care of yourself. Let the housework go (I am starting to name our dust-bunnies - try that FSA, then they are pets not dirt ). Make sure you eat and sleep. And lean on us.

HB - I think we are in the same boat. 3 weeks of a horrible cough - bad enough I may have cracked a rib - a round of antibiotics and enough cough medicine to get a whole college dorm high. I am feeling better but can't take a dozen steps without being out of breath. And, I was in good shape before this hit. 1 - 1.5 hours of working out 3x per week, plus walking the dog, plus the exercise of "being a mom". My butt must have spread a foot in the last 3 weeks.

Almost at the 6 month point and am grateful to have what I believe is a fully remorseful H who has agreed to tell the truth. Any time he thinks of anything ("we were there", "we had lunch there", etc) he tells me. And, as bizarre as it is, it helps to know. It also helps for him to continue to come out of the fog and realize what these "relationships" were and who these "people" are. Nice to have a 14 year old daughter where I can frame the discussion around "what would you do in 15 years if you found out her husband was unfaithful" - his response included painful removal of body parts. Then I asked if that is what should happen to him? I think he got the point.

He is either really trying or should go immediately to Hollywood were he will win a Golden Globe or an Oscar in record time.

He is out of town this week and I am trying not to freak out about him in "those situations".

Took all of your advice and went ahead and booked a vacation. We are staying a little closer to home than usual but I really didn't feel comfortable leaving the country. This way if something "breaks", I can get home quickly.

Sorry so many are feeling so low. I wonder if the combination of the dark and the cold really does take its toll?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So... hello tribe. I see we have another new member - Welcome Canbird, to the club we hate to join. You sure made me laugh with
I kicked him and his underwear to the curb (seriously, there is major snow here and all his personals were on display
although I was concerned about your daughter and am glad to read that she is home. We have 2 sons and a dd - all married (oldest son does not know, I slipped & told 2nd son when talking about his online activities, and our daughter was blindsided by 2nd son's now esSO). It was really hard putting on the happy face for ds#1 and dd after D-day as they were newlyweds. It's still not easy but at least I can be myself with dd now. Ds#2 lives in another province but asks 'how we are' when we speak on the phone.

Kudos to the 'healthy' group for their attempts and new resolve to do better. I lost 50 lbs. before 2006 weddings but gained back half since Dday in Feb'07! Drat the stress hormone cortisol - infidelity diet in reverse - but I am trying to take the lbs. off again. Getting to the gym is a challenge for me. -35 to -40 wind chill temps exacerbate my CFS/FMS symptoms. And we also have snow (are we neighbours Canbird?)

FSA - no 2x4's from me either. I can't be the pot calling the kettle black. Just hugs... {{{LTA}}}

I wrote about my recent meltdown after NYr's and I am still struggling with trusting H after his work-related breach of NC a week ago. I've asked him repeatedly and get the same answers so I can only accept this unless I find proof of anything different. I wish H would initiate discussion but it's always me... with the doubts, needing his reassurance, questioning how he could have had the LTA but still love me?

I've read many posts about WS's compartmentalizing but still can't understand. Why did he need the fantasy life online? How did MSN gaming become EA? I was in a strange city due to his job transfer too! I missed our families and friends. I chatted online with hobby-related friends when I was lonely due to his overtime hours at work or on his business trips. I'm not perfect - but I did not once think of looking outside our marriage.

Why didn't he stop on his own, especially once he found out her true identity (co-worker who likely sought him out)??? I had to find the chat logs on our PC and archives on his laptop.

Why didn't the any of the wedding preparations of our son and ds (2 months apart) make him stop and think about what he was doing??? What would happen if/when I found out??? He has no answers for me. Is it still the fog? He says he's sorry. He loves me. He wants our marriage. Still I wonder...

Sorry this turned into a vent. I get typearrhea when I post.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I fought a good hard battle, but the dust bunnies won. I did get quite a bit of the clutter tended to. Before Dday....no clutter....ever. Always had some dust here and there but could not tolerate the clutter. Now.....I have to find my bed at night to get in it.

I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one this far out that still fights it on a regular basis. I hate it for each of ya'll that I'm not alone. But misery does love company. Hope that didn't sound bad, I sure didn't mean it that way.

Lostsoul, you talk about why they didn't stop when things happened that should have woke them up. Same here for my H. I could relate several things that "should" have woke him up. But then he always has been a sound sleeper!!!!

Hurtshirley, good for your H that he is doing the work and trying with all he's got. I hope that you can behave better than myself. My H has done many many good things along with his many many bad things during this healing process. I as the BS, just can't always contain myself from.......all the things I do as a BS. Good Luck, and if he is acting and my H is acting, they need to make a movie together, it surely would be a hit.

Numb, good luck with that 2nd antiversay looming. Can you come up with a plan for that day. Something that you will enjoy. I know that I am already getting a little antsy knowing that mine is coming up. I'm so disappointed that I am no further than I am at almost 2 years out. If nothing else, go on a shopping spree!!!!!

LostHeart, or should I say Mrs Counselor. You have been the one to walk so many of us through here lately. Thanks.

Canbird, did you happen to take a picture of his drawers in the snow? We would just love to share in that moment with you. ((((Canbird)))) I sure don't mean to make light of it. How are you doing?

Weepy, are you going to let us see the whole poem when you finish?

Mindisgone, ANYTHING is normal when it comes to LTA.

Guess I'll call it quits for now. Those dust bunnies have got me all tuckered out.

H is glad to see a smile on my face this evening. A smile on my face means his world is going to be smoother.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Canbird. Sorry you're here.

Dustbunnies FSA? I have dust wooly mammoths! Wish they were cute little bunnies!

Numb - Wanted to share with you my take on dday antiversary. I look at it as the worst day of whore-bitch's life (YEAH!), the day my life got real (YEAH), the day the lies and deceit ended (YEAH)<I know your sitch was different>, the day I found out how strong I really am (YEAH!), the day whore-bitch felt what bus tires felt like (YEAH), the day my real M started.

Call me a PIA optimist or Pollyana, but I really see it this way for me. I know all of our sitches are different and this is not true for everyone, but there are some points in there that are true for all of us across the board and I don't think that can be downplayed.

The fact that you're all still here, on this earth, raising kids, hokding down careers, walking and talking, breathing, shows what a pillar of strength you all are. You may not feel very strong right now but just the fact that you're surviving this and working to move forward shows an incredible strength of character and will. Cheers to the Green Berets!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
canbird
♀ Member
Member # 17238
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to everyone for their responses. It really does help to get suggestions from those who have been there. I respect that I do not know what is going on in their marriage (financially, I know more then I ever wanted to know about the personal side!). My husband shows no remorse. She is gaslighting hers saying that she will never again have contact but I am sure I have heard that one before! My husband wants his mistress and his family (me to wash his socks, pick up his now very dirty underwear and his children to love and adore him). I am may be old and approaching senile but even I know that just isn't the right deal for me.

As for a picture of his personals. Sorry, never thought of that. The indentations are still in the snow. I'd take a picture now but I just noticed that our dog peed right in the middle (good dog !).

Thanks again, I will be forever grateful for your support.


I know now that in the heart of my angel, lies the soul of the devil.

Posts: 243 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Canada
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support, cowgirl and fsa.

Amusing myself to avoid thought...you all know how that goes.
Saw this link posted in General...sharing it with the tribe.....

Before you engage in a relationship with a married man (this includes planning to engage in such a relationship), it is important that you know and understand the rules for the 'other woman.'

1. Thou shalt not complain when the man in question cheats on you or lies to you. You knew he was a cheater and a liar when you hooked up with him.

2. Thou shalt not try to justify yourself - especially to the wife/girlfriend that you helped this man to wrong, and most especially not to the children that this man has with the wife/girlfriend. There is no justification for the hurt that you have caused.

3. Thou shalt immediately cease all friendships with other women who are married or women who are in a relationship. You cannot be trusted. You are an adulteress, and should not be allowed to mingle with polite society. Furthermore, any woman who currently has a friend who is the other woman shall immediately put an end to said friendship. If this is not done, that person shall not complain when this other woman loses the man that she originally stole and comes after yours.

4. Thou shalt not complain when others talk about you or call you ugly names. You've shown the world your character, and you determined your own reputation.

5. Thou shalt not complain about being poor due to the fact that this man has to pay alimony or child support. You helped to make that bed - or unmake it as the case may be - and those obligations are now equally yours as well. Get a job.

6. Thou shalt not complain and ask 'what did I do to deserve this' when your relationship with this man falls apart. Anything that is built on a foundation of lies cannot last.

7. Thou shalt not complain or become outraged when the wronged wife/girlfriend plots her revenge to ruin your life. This is to be expected, and the said wife/girlfriend has every right to use every resource in her arsenal to do that very thing. If you can't take the heat, you shouldn't have been messing around in her kitchen.

8. Thou shalt not assume that all blame falls on the man. He's wrong - no doubt about that - but you are even more wrong than he is. You are a woman, and you know what you are doing to the wife/girlfriend in question. For men, cheating is usually only about the sex - no matter how loved and special they make you feel. You can test that theory. Stop sleeping with him for an extended period of time, and watch what happens.

9. Thou shalt remember all of the bad things and lies that the man in question had to say about the woman he wronged. Thou shalt also remember all of the bad things and lies you had to say about her to your friends. When he becomes bored with you, or sees greener pastures on the horizon, these are the things he will be saying about you, and these are the things that his new woman will be saying about you to her friends. Thou shalt not be surprised or outraged about this.

10. Thou shalt not plot to murder or dismember the man in question at any point in time. That privilege belongs solely to the woman that you helped him to wrong.

Hugs to all..nite....


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((((((numb))))))))))))

It's just another day. Not THE day. That day is long gone.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NAS,

I had SO much anticipatory grief leading up to the 2 year dday I thought I was losing it... I became irritable with the family and for probably the entire month before I had a blues that I couldn't shake. Now, about five months later, I can tell you that the "phase" did go away and the roller coaster returned on it's upswing. But the 2 year antiversary for me was a huge dip. Hard to really describe, but not a place I would ever want to dwell. Lots of triggers and lots of mixed emotions. It was like I was reassessing everything, questioning whether I made the right decisions to R. Wondering and anxious about where life would take me, and definetly looking the evil A monster right in the face.

So, I send you strength to get through the antiversary and our entire tribe will rally behind you with support, how ever much you want or need. IT stinks that this is "normal" for us, now, doesn't it? But that is the reality of it, and at least if we know what to expect we can try to prepare ourselves and ward off the worst.

love and peaceful thoughts your way,

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:34 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

“Wake up and tell” moments begin 3mths after he renews contact with xGF.
- His bf announces he’s getting D’d due to bf’s brief A.
- Oldest friend moves out of matrimonial home – due to A.
- Close work colleague gets D’d, due to A with co-worker
- My 4xM friend D’d
- A couple I went to school with get D’d due to WH’s A. WH behaves appallingly.
- His bf gets remarried, FWH is best man
- I write him a letter saying we need to reassess our relationship ad that there is something he is not happy with (how clear is that?)
- He spends several days with her (golf ….), he comes home and I leave for a few days with no date to return.
- Eventually, she does the silent calls three times in one evening and I answer them all. Dialling 1471 gets her number. He finally tells me.

Was he really in a fog, or did he carry on b/c he wanted to?

I think the clearer it becomes, the less I understand and the result is I am less accommodating of his “reasons”. That’s probably why anger is replacing the despair.

Canbird, have you decided what you’re going to do? Implement proceedings or wait awhile? Where is your WH living now? And is OW still living with her H? How’s DD today? What I meant by being honest with her was that giving her platitudes that it will be “OK” isn’t the right way. You don’t want her to see you as lying to her as well. I assume you’re doing the 180?

HB, well done. Through and out the other side in one piece.

NAS, Good one. Have you seen this one posted by Holly-Isis, if I loved someone? Another one for the sad OW. http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=208717&AP=41&HL=

Not a good day today. My Mum, as I write this, is in theatre for major heart surgery, my Dad is being his usual stoical self at a nearby hotel and probably doing one crossword after another, FWH left early, but at least he’s not passing by xOW’s house and we have MC tonight. I might make him go in on his own for some IC. Someone give me a hug.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:23 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((Ukgirl))))))

I am sure your mum is a trooper, just like you.As for your dad, it must be a bit tough on him too. How long have they been married for? Have they been happy?
Dont mean to pry, but I am fascinated by people who are happily married for a long time. My parents were never happy. Never. Still arent. But my mum compensates with her job and her voluntary work and the grandkids and her friends. My dad compensates by....I dont know now.He just lives miserably in the bed of crap that he built.And tries to spread some of that "sunshine" to us kids.

Am feeling a bit bitter today. Will log off before I offend.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:55 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks LostH. They’ve been married 59yrs. They have always been a “team” and I don’t think they’ve had any bad times, matrimonially speaking. They are troopers, as you say. My Dad was very sick in his thirties with kidney stones. He ended up with one removed and the other operated on. As a result, he’s always taken good care of his health, fitness-wise. He’s also had a bladder stone, stomach cancer (had a rib removed as well) and prostate cancer, so his torso is criss-crossed with scars. My Mum has always had respiratory trouble with asthma and chronic hay-fever (never grown out of it) and she has high blood pressure (likes her salt too much, imo). B/c my Dad was so ill when we kids were little, Mum went back to work asap, and then did her teaching degree when finally it looked like Dad was not going to be permanently waiting at death’s door. I think the grim reaper found Dad was more determined than he was! Pragmatic and stoical, that’s them.

Bit of a ramble, brain’s in shutdown mode. I’m just waiting for late afternoon to arrive so I can ring the hospital. Think I might go to the lunchtime recital in the cathedral.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 5:11 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

59 years! Wow.
They certainly seemed to have weathered their storms, and your mum seems like quite a resilient strong woman. You must be v proud of her.

Hold her in your heart tightly when you visit the cathedral.I am thinking of you and your folks.

Stay strong Ukgirl.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
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