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User
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Topic: Long Term Affairs V I I I
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UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062 |  Posted: 5:17 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008 |     |
Thank you LostH. BTW, FWH’s parents have been married 53yrs. And they’re really lovely folk. And they love me. So wtf was he doing? Some days it’s all too much. 
Check in later.
D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 55 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.
Posts: 3172 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK | weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790 | | Posted: 6:05 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008 | |
numb, what run said.
That's what meant the most to me when H said it the first anti-versary. That day is over and never will come again.
Hard not to remember though with the way our brains are "wired". Thanks OTC. I loved that link. Think I'll make H watch it someday.
Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA | mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772 | | Posted: 6:07 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008 | |
Yeah, WOW, UK, 59 yrs married is amazing, but 59yrs happily married is really heartwarming. Love them.
too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..
Posts: 654 | Registered: Jan 2008 | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 7:05 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008 | |
((((NAS))))
So have you and H spoken about the antiversary? What do you plan on doing?
How about you both list ways in which things are better since then, and write it in a letter to each other? And then also, if you are so inclined, ways that you each want to improve?
Or what the heck...just get him to treat and pamper you the whole darn week! Your bit would be allowing him to...
*****
Why do these crap days just sneak up on us?
Last week, I mentioned H was all gloom and doom and grumpy and snappy as he worked from home. Yesterday he goes to the office, and then comes home all jokey, happy, eyes twinkling etc. Its not that I dont want him to be happy, but WTF happened from 09:00 to 18:30 to get him like that?
When I asked, he said a couple of the guys mentioned that they missed having him around, and that they are glad he's back etc. He made him feel like he is not disposable and is an asset etc. So that made him feel good. He insists it was men only.
Now I know he has boundary issues with women; I know that he craves external validation; so red flags are waving in front of my face no matter how I try to duck.
He just got upset with me, for being upset and triggery. And its times like this that I feel that I am just wasting my time..he will always be first in his world.
He doesnt care what I, or our kids or our family think of him...he never did.
Its what OTHER people think that makes him feel good.
I just hate this shit.
And sometimes I just hate him!
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790 | | Posted: 7:09 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008 | |
(((UK))) and prayers for your mum and dad.
Dad sounds like what my IC says my H is (in the good, general terms kind) that he finds something to preoccupy him in times of stress. A coping mechanism... crosswords are good! 
My parents only made 24 years and were miserable the last 5 of that. H's parents are married 61 years this May, Can't say happily since my MIL is always grousing and complaining. but they are a team for sure.
Maybe I'll post the poem. I don't know. Don't know if I'll even show H.
I'm off to a re-employment seminar required for those of us collecting money from the govt. He went when he was on unemployment and said he was never so bored in his life and he learned nothing. That I could have taught the course, so I expect to do some work on the poetry there.
Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA | no mor surprises
♀ Member
Member # 7678 | | Posted: 7:33 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008 | |
UKgirl,
Sending many hugs and prayers for your mum and dad.
And regarding wake up moments that our ws's missed, imho they thought of themselves as outside normal consequences. My ws and I had discussed how affairs impact a marriage. We had even taken workshops and courses together as a result of my finding out in '95 that he had been involved in s short term affair with the same mow. Supposedly he had ended it but in reality it went on for 9 more years.
During this time his sister's h died and it was revealed that he had a lta.
There is just something stupid about them. Yesterday h got annoyed when dd called for directions. As I was giving them to her, he kept asking how she could be so stupid. I told him that he had forever given up the right to call anyone stupid.
Maybe it is something like the thinking that some do when they drink, smoke, over eat and expect to live a long, long life. They go to funerals of friends but never see themselves.
Posts: 1768 | Registered: Jul 2005 | forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053 | | Posted: 7:38 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008 | |
NAS - just wanted to send some extra hugs. I know how tough this time is and having just survived my 2nd antiversary my only advice is to give your H a warning that he MUST be attentive and patient with you and not tip toe around you pretending this day holds no significance. That was my biggest problem this year. I think so much of my distress could have been avoided if I had clearly stated beforehand exactly what I needed in order to survive this. We want so much for them to KNOW what we need but they have proven over and over again not to be in tune with us. So, NAS, tell him straight up what you will need and don't accept anything less. (((NAS))) P.S. Loved the OW list. So true - just wish I could post it on her car, door, work desk, and any other place she slithers around.
UKgirl - thinking of you and your mum today. Prayers and hugs to you and your family.
Weepy - good luck with the job search. How are you enjoying your time off? Do you think having this time has been good for you? I've been a SAHM and the one thing I have appreciated over the years has been the amount of time I've been able to spend with my children. I know yours are older now but if they're like mine, they will love being able to spend more time with you. BTW, how's your back? My DD has a bad back and her insurance paid for an occasional massage. If you haven't already, maybe you could check with your insurance company. That would be a real treat especially since you have the time now.
I know that he craves external validation
LostHeart - This is absolutely the case with all of our FWS's. It's what got them into trouble in the first place. We just have to believe that now that they are suffering the consequences of their A because of their ego issues, they are smart enough not to go that route again. Hopefully, just having the guys give him that little ego boost is all he needed. I can relate to those triggers you're having but I really cannot imagine that these men would ever want to walk this path again and I do believe they know that their chances of being given another chance are next to nothing. Feel better Lost. Sending hugs to you across the ocean.
D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride
Posts: 1875 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light | forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053 | | Posted: 7:40 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008 | |
I told him that he had forever given up the right to call anyone stupid.
NoMor -  - would you mind if I use that line? It surely will come in handy from time to time.
D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride
Posts: 1875 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light | BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435 | | Posted: 7:53 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008 | |
UKGirl, keeping all of you in thoughts and prayers today.
D-day 7/29/04.
Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003 | numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908 | | Posted: 8:17 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008 | |
Thank you all for the TLC....it helps. Hugs of thanks to you all.....
Because our anti-versary is Valentine's Day.....it is a double whammy. I know I shouldn't be replaying tapes in my head, but they are there, uglier than ever. Finding the receipt for the necklace that "I" had described to him but never got..and seeing that it went to a POS slut...it has tainted the big "V" day forever.
Pathetic statement on stupidty...you know why I knew her name from the first moment?...because he had been offered a guarantee rider on the necklace, should it get lost or broken..and they needed her name to issue it. So there her name was on the top of the receipt.
Stupid?....beyond stupid....moronic.
I know in my head....It IS just another day...but it is also the day society has designated for romance.... 
I doubt it will ever have that meaning again for me. Better to just accept that and make it a non-day.
However, it IS also the day when the slut got hers...
So maybe V day will forever remind her every year of what she ever really was.....
**A parking lot cum dumpster**
UK girl, hope your Mum comes through surgery okay. Your dad sounds a lot like mine was.
Love this tribe.... 
BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb
Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: | no mor surprises
♀ Member
Member # 7678 | | Posted: 8:30 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008 | |
Lost Heart,
Agree with fnf, their need for external validation is what got them into trouble in the first place and I don't think that they will go that route again.
fns,
My h likes to say that so and so is "too stupid to live". H was just too stupid to be married. And on several levels my h is lucky that he lives. His affair probably was the cause of his health problems AND he does not know how many times I wanted to take the pillow and smother him while he slept like a baby while I was unable to sleep.
NAS, Many HUGS as your D day anniv. approaches. The dickforbrains had no idea how their behavior would have long nasty consequences.
Hopefully you and h will find a way to make V day special and loving for the two of you. Time and seeing positive changes helps. I often have wished that I could fast forward time. Sending more HUGS.
Posts: 1768 | Registered: Jul 2005 | OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817 | | Posted: 8:32 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008 | |
So maybe V day will forever remind her every year of what she ever really was.....
**A parking lot cum dumpster** Now THAT'S what I'm talkin 'bout Numb! Sad to say but I think I get a bigger emotional charge out of knowing the whore suffered that day than anything! Hating her still really works well for me. So well I think I'll keep it up for a lifetime! Having dday on Valentines day really sucks though. That would cause a big trigger for me too.
These stupid shits! You really have to wonder sometimes how they carry on in life with jobs, driving cars and navigating currency when they're so fucking stupid in these A's! Fucktards!
UK Girl - Sending prayers across the pond for your mum.
Oh, and Numb, loved the "rules" for the whores! Wish I could take out a billboard on the Eisenhower Expressway in Chicago!
That would slow traffic down a bit in the morning.
M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!
Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 8:33 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008 | |
Hey NAS
Its better to go through all the pictures here, than IRL. Play it out here, grieve for what happened,for what you lost, for your children and how their lives were affected...and then slowly zoom out to where you are now. Yes, the big picture may still suck a bit, but at least its true, its real, and you and H are everyday, with every positive action, adding on new brushstrokes that will make up your M.
Talking about Vday, does anyone have anything else planned?
You know a few years ago, H told me that we shouldnt be celebrating this day anymore, its not for us. Of course I still carried on getting him cards and prepping special dinners, and the stupid fucktard just celebrated with his fucktardie. I thought last year we could reclaim it. We spoke about it and everything. I even got him a present which is still lying unopened in my lingerie drawer. he did nothing. he planned nothing. after setting me up to believe that he would. this year, I wont be falling for that trick again.
Someone remind me why I chose to stay with this bastard.
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053 | | Posted: 8:52 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008 | |
Talking about Vday, does anyone have anything else planned?
This is what I hate most about holidays - we have expectations for these occasions to celebrate one another and when our stupid ass H's don't follow through it hurts that much more. I wish I knew what the solution is other than what I told my MC last week. I told him the only way I can protect myself from more pain is to lower my expectations but then that sucks. So now, if my H does come through, I really do appreciate it.
Not the best advice I know, but sometimes I do think it's best to be realistic with our clueless S's. 
I do have to confess something though which is going to sound pretty pathetic. Since I was so devastated with my H's lack of acknowledgement at Christmas and since it threw me into the pit again for about 10 days, I asked my son to call him before any special occasion and ask his father what plans he had made for us. This sounds so pathetic but I just couldn't bear going through that despair again.  My DD asked why that would have any meaning knowing he had to be told or shamed into doing something for me. I know what she means, but on some level, I do think these men need to be led by the hand (not their private parts which led them in the past) until they finally get what these occasions mean to us and to the future of our M's. KWIM?????
D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride
Posts: 1875 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 9:04 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008 | |
I do know what you mean Fnf, but dont you think that you are robbing both of you? I mean, for you, you DESERVE to be treated nicely.And for him, what if he truly did something of his own accord, but you wouldnt know.
Isnt that taking the responsibility away from them? Just asking ok.
I am just tired of spoonfeeding them, and lowering my expectations. ]If my expectations were any freeking lower, all he had to do before dday, was come home.
No more. I expect more, and in doing so, open myself up to more hurt.
But then I give more.So WTF?
I dont know the answer. Its just that thye got away with doing f-all all these years, and now we should expect it cos thats all they are capable of??No way.
They didnt need to be reminded to buy his effin slut a gift did he?
Sorry...by them, I mean my H.
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752 | | Posted: 9:23 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008 | |
Have you seen this one posted by Holly-Isis, if I loved someone? Another one for the sad OW. http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=208717&AP=41&HL=
I have to make sure credit for this goes where it is due. DesertLotus wrote this wonderful piece. I know it doesn't matter, but I'm very protective of her stuff because she has been key element of my healing. SHE is the bomb.
Talking about Vday, does anyone have anything else planned?
You know??? No. This holiday and my anniversary make me so sad--standing in the card isle for waaaaaaaay too long looking for a card that says, "Hey." instead of "You have brought me more joy than I could ever imagine. My life would be incomplete without you..." blah, blah, blah. 
I literally stand there with tears in my eyes knowing that none of them apply yet. Maybe someday, but right now, I don't wanna.
Numb, yeah that totally sucks. If it's any consolation, we don't like Valentine's anymore either.
Will you be my Valentine, numb?
LTA BS
If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.
The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton
Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006 | runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752 | | Posted: 9:24 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008 | |
Oh, forgot to add, UK--good luck with your mum. 
LTA BS
If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.
The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton
Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006 | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 9:51 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008 | |
(((robt)))
I hate Vday too. The shop windows are already full of all the sappy stuff, and it just makes me want to scream, "Liars! Liars! There is NO such thing as True love and love forever and soulmates etc.Its all a lie.
Do you think that cheaters and WS have their own range of cards? C'mon..us innovative folk can think of a few good ones. FSA???Where are you?
How about:
Roses are red, violets are blue
Thinking of you
Makes me want to spew.
This I found on the net:
Love is, if only, a word
twisted, double-tongued,
bladed to cut more than it cleaves,
an avowal of falsity and pomp,
of circumstance always changing,
like lies, rotting fruit,
an overblown cabbage rose.
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790 | | Posted: 10:54 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008 | |
Well, I'm back and my H must have attended a different seminar because I got loads of stuff to start on when I want to look for a job.
Am I enjoying this? No. I'm getting a bunch of stuff done around here and that's satisfying. I really enjoyed NOT having to drive home in the snow that hit at rush hour last week.
I feel like a fat lump with not being able to exercise the way I want to.
Back is feeling better with the ice and motrin and stretching the doc gave me. just wish I could get the sensation back in my quadracep! Definately leg is stronger. Maybe Thursday I'll take that walk on the treadmill again. See how it does.
As for Valentine's day... I used to make a fuss. And then I'd get upset when he barely acknowledged it. I tried one year to get him to buy into a tradition I had at home. My dad used to buy ME a small candy heart version of what he got my mother. But H is not the romantic at all any more.
I still remember the year I stopped thinking of V day as anything special. He was home late, I held dinner for two. Fed the kids early. He walked in with nothing in his hands. Not a flower, not a card and the table was all made up. He says "what's this for?" and I freaked out. He walked out of the house to his truck came in and threw two cards at me... still in the bag, unsigned and the receipt showed he'd picked them up on the way home from the convenience store he stopped at for cigs. He said he "forgot" until one of the sales clerks said something to him.
So no V day activities here. I tried after Dday made him a mix CD the first year and seduced him the second. Neither worked out very well, so I'm not having any expectations this year.
Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA | 2yrsinthedark
♀ Member
Member # 16278 |  Posted: 10:59 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008 | |
Hi guys, I need some help, advice, hugs, whatever u can give me. I'll try to explain what Im feeling as best as I can. I am almost 5 mos since dday. R had been going really well. Almost to well. I started feeling like if I let myself (and him)be happy, I would be letting him off to easy, and he would never understand how deeply he hurt me. Or maybe I would be setting myself up to be hurt again. Its been a while since we have talked about the A. Now all of a sudden I have been thinking a lot about it. I recently came to realize that I have had more than 1 dday. (see my profile.) That has angered me so much. Now when he comes to kiss me and tells me
"I love you," I have to force myself to say "I Love you too." I say it because he waits for me to respond. He has noticed. We havent had sex in almost of month, neither one of us has tried to initiate it either. Last night he sent my a text (while I was asleep) telling me he couldnt sleep, he was thinking about me, he loved me, and sweet dreams. (he works 24 hr shifts). When I read it, all I can think of was during A, he would send me texts like these and probably sent her the same texts at the same time, or better yet actually called her. I wonder how many times he would be talking to her or online w/ her and after we would have sex while he was wishing it was her. (she was his soulmate ) All of this came to me this morning, I was vacuuming and crying at the same time. He asked me again this morning why I was having trouble saying I love you lately. We are supposed to talk about when he gets home. I dont know what to tell him or how to explain it. I feel awful today. Please help.
"Trust but verify"
Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8
Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX | | Topic Posts: 1000 | |
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