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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs V I I I
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As others have already said, I've been gone for just a day or two and so many posts to catch up on so forgive me if I only respond to a few.
I will stay with you because I see you moving in the right direction and I have faith in you and us that we will make the changes we need to have a wonderful marriage."

BT - I love this - this is IMO the best reason, really the only reason to stay. Without this, we only continue to live in pain and distrust and that is no way to continue in an intimate relationship. BTW, when I talk about 'Between You and Me' cards, this is the kind of sentiment you will find in them.
LostSoul - you will find these in the Gold Crown stores. Here's a small section of the one I just gave my H for our anniversary.
"I want so much to put the past behind us and concentrate on making what we have together even better, even stronger." I think if we can reach this point in our healing, our M has an excellent chance of surviving this mess. Just look at OTC and BT. Isn't that what they've been trying to tell all of us here and we know they've gotten there. What an inspiration they are!
Weepy, I was wondering if your H ever discussed the possibility of having his own negative mind games playing in his head during sex. His personal history of pros might be causing him some problems when he tries to be intimate with you. Feeling of shame and regret might be playing in his head and his avoiding intimacy with you might be his way of avoiding these negative feelings. Have you two discussed this? Have you ever asked this in C'ing? I know myself that I still have times during sex when I am wondering what it was like with them. It really interferes and I have to constantly talk to myself until I can begin focusing on what's happening between us. It's just a thought.
Hefty- I think NAS has given you some great questions. It would be great to bring these to your next MC'ing session and try to get answers in a non-threatening environment. WS's tend to respond better when they don't feel threatened.
Lovegonewrong - welcome to our supportive group. Your H needs to understand the importance of your releasing all the pain and hurt that his LTA has caused. Our MC told my H that I have a wound that has built up a great deal of poison and that in order to move on we have to lance the wound and release all of that, as unpleasant as that may be. He told my H that unless he was willing to allow me to do that, we would never be able to get beyond the A. My H accepted this and even though it has been a long and difficult road, I think he is now seeing that what our C told him was absolutely true. I hope you and your H can find a MC that encourages you to release all of the pain you are going through. (((LGW)))

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 8:08 AM, January 29th (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT, option 4 is not an option for me either...anymore.
I just wanted weepy to see that if things remain the way they are, thats what they are in fact chosing, KWIM?

Btw, I started reading the "Getting the Love you want" book, and instead of racing it through it like I usually do with books (I have frequent flier points galore at the library ), I am reading this one very slowly, trying to digest what he is saying.
And so far what he says makes a heck of alot sense to me.
I asked H if he wanted to read with me (get him own copy)but he said he's not ready for that yet.Fair enough.

LostS, I caught your thread in R. You know what stood out for me...the fact that H approached you about doing something about the paper. And you did, and it felt great. Yay!

Fnf,and whoever else is searching for the right card...why dont you make your own. And then copy your own sentiment there, or quickly put in BT's option 1 before she trademarks it!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost,

A long time ago there was a thread in fun and games where people wrote Hallmark card sentiments for the OW. They were hilarious and vicious. I've tried several times to find the thread but I can't.

It was priceless.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know myself that I still have times during sex when I am wondering what it was like with them. It really interferes and I have to constantly talk to myself until I can begin focusing on what's happening between us. It's just a thought.
Just wanted to comment on this FNF because this was something that took me a long time to get over and it can still rattle me at times. Being very competitive this thought has helped me blast that whore and "them together" out of my mind during sex. I tell myself that I am the one letting her in OUR bed now. I am making her as present as if she were still here, with him. And then I say "BE GONE" and blast her ass right out of there. Here's the thing - I know he sure as hell ain't thinking about her skanky ass so why should I be? Just wanted to share that with you.

((((((HB)))))) Good to hear from you too. Sorry to hear you're in a rough patch. Hang in there. What goes down must come up!

LGW - Welcome to our little tribe. Glad you decided to post. Just want to say that most of our H's said the same to us at one time or another, or they still are. You don't just "get over" a LTA and move on. Your life and everything you thought you could trust and count on blew into a million pieces on Dday. You have experienced a serious trauma. It takes a looooooong time and lots of work to put all those pieces back together. Sounds like your H wants to escape his own discomfort. I might suggest you ask him for his unconditional support in helping you put those pieces together. You don't know how long it will take. He must understand that he has made his bed of mistrust in you through his deceit. This is HIS mess to clean up. I told my H in the beginning that this could take years and there were no guarantees I would ever be able to open my heart again. I asked him then and there if he was up for it. If he wasn't I asked him to leave. He committed to be there and he's held to that committment 100% which went a long way in reestablishing trust. I think it's important to ask them for that committment. There were times my H would waver on it and say I'll always think of him as a cheater but I would remind him of his commitment and he'd back right off. Anyhow, hope this helps a little and again, welcome.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wondering if your H ever discussed the possibility of having his own negative mind games playing in his head during sex. His personal history of pros might be causing him some problems when he tries to be intimate with you. Feeling of shame and regret might be playing in his head and his avoiding intimacy with you might be his way of avoiding these negative feelings.

Yeah I assume that's what he meant when he was "f'd up about sex" as he put it about 6 mo. into R when he was going nuts with the porn and avoiding me. If I ask about that in MC, he'd just deny it. He says he NEVER thinks about that, them unless I bring it up. Talk about compartmentalization!

Oh and I love those cards too. I just got one for Valentines "We've had our ups and downs, but through it all, I've never stopped loving you.." It's true, I never have. I've beaten myself up about being stupid for doing it, there were times when I didn't think I could ever say it again, but I love the man I know is in there somewhere. I'm just waiting for him to appear again.

Our DS is going through a tough time again with his GF. She's cheated on him once and he found pictures of her with another guy from when he was home this weekend. I told him to run, not walk away from her. H and I talked about it last night and about our DD's relationship. He said that DD is keeping this guy around because he puts up with her shit. And I looked at him and said "You said the same thing about me, that that's part of why you loved me, because I was the only one who put up with your shit." And yet he condemns our D's relationship for the same thing. Weird.

I will stay with you because I see you moving in the right direction and I have faith in you and us that we will make the changes we need to have a wonderful marriage."

The issue here is he thinks we have a wonderful marriage now and I just don't appreciate it. I think we can do better. SO I don't have faith that he'll try any harder.

I was thinking about sex on the way home from the gym. Our sex life in particular. How it USED to be passionate and a little crazy at times. But that I know we can never recreate the passion or lust or excitement and danger of his affair sex. But I know we can do better than "hey, if the kids aren't home on Friday night, you wanna?" I know we can do more than one stinking position. I know I can't do the slutty stuff any more. He had the best of the sluts, I won't compare and I'll feel silly or fear he'll be disappointed and it'll just be a mess. I've tried it a few times and had NO success at getting sex. So I know HE's got issues there too.

The last time I asked what he wanted from me, he said "well, she could take care of her nails better, paint them." That's it. But I'm going to try again if he doesn't bring this up in C -- just "what do you want from me?" See if I get a response.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not gone through all this pain simply to linger in mediocre. Not a chance.

BT, I love this.

Welcome LGW. It is so hard, but you're on the right track. You're doing IC and you've found us. I know it hurts. Try to focus on you instead of him and the marriage and you'll find your healing will move much faster. Just try to do something every day that makes you happy. It doesn't have to be big. Just something that you really appreciate--like a bath. Believe me, you'll get miles out of that.

And keep on posting! We're here to help!


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA:

I'm sorry your IC is not turning out to be much help. A good counselor can be invaluable, but a bad one can really cause you problems.

Have you thought about asking her to leave the religious part out of it? The Christian counselors I know will do it either way -- with or without. Perhaps she would be better just focusing on the secular stuff.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh BT, I bet that thread was priceless with the Hallmark sentiments for OW. Why not start another one? I'd LOVE to think up a little diddy for the diseased whore!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I've got one starting already...


Too bad you are dead,
Bat to the head

You never had his heart
You skanky old fart.


Looks like I'm working in couplets.

[This message edited by weepy at 10:17 AM, January 29th (Tuesday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh BT, I bet that thread was priceless with the Hallmark sentiments for OW. Why not start another one? I'd LOVE to think up a little diddy for the diseased whore!

I'm betting FSA would be up to the task! She really has a marketable talent!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTC, these were way out of my league. There was one particular woman who wrote most of them. She had the quickest, most biting wit I have ever seen on an internet forum, and that is saying something.


HB, I'm glad the job stress is easing up a little. How long will you have to stay in that position before you can start looking to transfer?


Weepy, from what you've written here it doesn't sound like your husband thinks your marriage is just great. I mean you generally don't ask for significant changes in things you think are just great, right?

FNF,

I still get hit with the flashes during sex and at other times. I use the visualizing stop sign technique, and it works. But it does kind of mess up the flow of things. I wonder if that will ever go away completely.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to get out of here as I am talking to you all instead of studying applied statistics (evil shit, let me tell you. especially for the numerically impaired.)

Have a good day all.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thought I'd give this a try myself. Here goes:

The tire treads
Across your head
Are all you're worthy of.
You never had a moment's chance
Of winning his respect or love.

You're such a fool
You played and lost
Did you not know that self-respect
Would be too high a cost.

I hope you know just what you are
And that you cry and scream in pain
'Cause giving up your skanky ass
Has clearly been in vain.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:27 AM, January 29th (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why not start another one? I'd LOVE to think up a little diddy for the diseased whore!

Cowgirl,BT, I wish that thread was available too. Could use that right now.....

No hand-wringing or "poor me" going on here....I just hate that V-day is our D-day.

Ohhh...that was an unintentional rhyme.

Hmmm.....okay, here's an intended one.

OW,
It surely wasn't your face, it surely wasn't your eyes.....

It was only about the elasticity of your jaw and of your thighs.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry - but I just had another one pop into my head.

A long-term slut
A long-term whore
A long-term nasty blister.

You didn't really think
that you
Could take away my mister.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok guys - I have way too much time on my hands today.

My poem to the OW:

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
May Valentine's Day
Suck royally for you.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:50 AM, January 29th (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fnf!!!
Who are you and what happened to my sweet Friend??

FSA..yoohoo...the gauntlet has been thrown on the ground!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who are you and what happened to my sweet Friend

Still here, LH. Just having a little fun at the expense of all those nasty whores.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just having a little fun at the expense of all those nasty whores

Personally, I love it!! This is exactly the thing I needed today. Have to go to grocery store, and dread looking at all the hearts and crap!

I would love to send OW whore one of these cards from me!!

Feeling rather evil today, can you tell?


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTC, BT, LH - I hate that this happens but fortunately it is not often. Besides, if I did dwell too much on her during sex, I'd definitely puke all over him and you can just imagine what that would do to the mood. She was such a nasty thing and it still boggles my mind that he lowered himself to that!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
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