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User Topic: Long Term Affairs V I I I
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cowgirl,

I am sorry to hear that from your counselor, but not surprised. Both my IC and my MC, while excellent in many ways, did not understand my reasons for continuing to think, rehash and expand my understanding of the affair. I knew they didn't fairly early on, and I didn't push it with them. Instead I came here to SI to do it.

I think it is a real weakness of counseling generally that IC tend to rush people through healing, particularly in situations like traumas and addictions where a thorough re-ordering of your reality is needed to heal.

It's like taking a house with 100-year-old knob and tube wiring and believing you can update it by replacing the outlets. Sorry, but it doesn't work that way. You have to go in and trace every wire through the basements and walls and attics and ceilings and replace them with the approrpiate up-to-date equipment. Just like us. We have to go back and trace it all, all the action and words through all the years and replace the lies and the secrets with the truth. That doesn't take a couple fifty-minute sessions. It takes hours and hours and hours and hours of thought and exploration and trying out new theories. It takes a level of obsession that I don't think anyone can understand unless they've been through it.

I think of SI in much the same way I think of Al-anon -- a place to share our strength, understanding, knowledge and support with others in a similar situation. It's a place where others empathize with our obsessiveness and encourage what we know we need to do to heal.

BT

It didn't prolong anything for me, in fact it allowed a healing that I really doubted would ever come.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
kelsey913
♀ Member
Member # 17605
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, Hefty, I understand.
When I first found out, I was devasted and vowed to myself not to make any life altering decisions until I was emotionally ready. There are days when I feel totally committed to the r and other days, I feel like running for shelter. So even 5 months down the road, I'm still not ready to make any decisions.

Living with LTA is difficult, it seems that the lies go on forever, the triggers are everywhere. I've given myself time, time to decide if I ever will get beyond this, while all the time working on the marriage with all the strength I can muster.

In the end, I will either have the marriage I always wanted and come through the other side; or I'll go down knowing that I tried to save my marriage and at the end of the day just couldn't.

You're not fence-sitting, you just don't know how it will all turn out. I just know that if you choose to stay right now and try to work it out, you've got to give it your all and that is something that just isn't an easy task.

My H looks at it this way, he knows he messed up big time and is just grateful that I have given him the opportunity to try to make things right with us. He knows going in that it can all be for naught but took the plunge anyway.

Let's not kid ourselves, reconciling after a LTA is an uphill battle; so don't be too tough on yourself as to where you are emotionally. I suggest that you be honest with your wife as to your feelings. I was and it has helped tremedously. There are no illusions in this house; we know we've got tons of work to do and no guarantees. I think that helps, to know how fragile things are, both of us think before we act knowing one false move by either of us can end this thing quickly.

I can also tell you that for the first few months we talked endlessly about our feelings and about the a. I seemed to trigger 24/7, it was tough going, I thought at times my H was going to give up b/c all I could think about and talk about was the a. I guess what I'm saying is that time also helps. I hope I've helped a little.

Wishing you and your wife well. Stay strong.


Me - BS
Him - WH
5 Yr LTA
D-Day 8/5/07
Married 28 Years
R

Posts: 90 | Registered: Jan 2008
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to all the newbies! So many. I'm sorry you find yourselves in this club, but the members are fabulous. I don't post all the time, and I even took a little break from lurking for a bit to try to enjoy the holidays with my kiddos especially my oldest S, who is home from college, so I'm trying to catch up a bit.

((weepy)) I find it so hard to keep it to myself if I find anything suspect, which I haven't for awhile.

((zanny)) boat loads of white light to you.

heftysmurf, it is not odd at all to feel conflicted especially after what you've been through. Take your time to sort things out and figure out what you need and want.


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

zanny's sitch is just about our worst nightmare, and it is so hard not to go there in your own personal sitch. I do feel about as sure as I'm going to feel that it will not happen again. Although one of the issues I still have trouble with is now that the behavior has been exposed and I know what H has been capable of, what else could I have missed during the M, and I know H is not going to be forthcoming with that info because he knows that it would be the proverbial final nail in the coffin to have more of the M history be a lie.


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, all of you here and this site have done and continue to do more for me than the few Cs and MCs H and I have tried out.

ETA: I'm done being a post hog. And congrats on the job, LH.

[This message edited by Steelergal at 2:49 PM, January 9th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Steelergal!

I am so done overworrying what people expect from me (although its so wired in me, I do a little...lol).
I am learning what is good for me. Almost all my life, I have listened to everyone else, tried to please everyone else, tried not to upset anyone else...and look where it got me. I am NOT blaming anyone for my situation. I chose to ask and listen.I chose to shut my inner vioce up. I chose to NOT trust the only person I could trust...ME.

No more. I wont stop SI because I know the ONLY reason I am still breathing is because of SI. I wish I could be more spiritual and say it was God, or more loving and say it was because of my babies. It wasnt.
Because of this place, I slowly realised that I am NOT crazy. You guys have saved me from myself so many times...

My family will never understand it, nor appreciate it. My H understands and appreciates SI to a certain degree but he is still alittle confused why I teared when I read about Zanny. My IC understands and supports me.
But even if they didnt, I would still be here.My lifeline.

BT, I love your analogy of the house. Good one.

Zanny, buckets and buckets of white light Tribestar!!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On 11.30 we made a contract and she broke 4 of the items on their within a month.

Hefty, when these things happen, there must be consequences, or she has no incentive to stop doing them.

I know you feel good about her 5 days of reconciliation, and anything is a good start, but in the big picture...it's just not long enough to determine if she's serious. This is a VERY long term recovery, Hefty. Have no false expectations about this or you will not make it. You will have nothing but continuous disappointment in yourself. They say the average recovery from infidelity is 2-5 years--and that is the average recovery. We are all here to tell you, the LTA recovery IS NOT AVERAGE. Don't be surprised if you take the same length of time to recover from her affair as she took to have the affair. And THAT is why you don't hear much about LTA reconciliations. It doesn't usually happen. As fnf said earlier, they head for the divorce courts, not the marriage counselors.

I also feel odd in that OK she was the fence-sitter ... now I feel like I am.

And that's OK. They also tell you not to make any major decisions for at least the first year. It's OK to sit on the fence, and she needs to be OK with that. The fact is, you don't know if you can ever recover/accept/forgive this. I don't really even know yet--and I've been at this for 19 months. It's OK. As I said earlier, if you have false expectations about your recovery...YOU WILL NOT MAKE IT, nor will you really recover. She's on your timeline now, Hefty. But she's either in or out. No fence-sitting for her.

There will be days when you feel SO strong, and just know in your heart that you are capable of forgiving her...loving her again. You will feel so lucky to have her back. And then the next day (or even the next hour) you will hate her. You will hate yourself. You will know without a doubt that you will NEVER forgive this. She will disgust you, and you won't be able to imagine spending one more day with her, let alone the rest of your life.

And that's OK too.

As far as the 180 goes, any mis-step on her part warrants the 180. If you feel you are not strong enough to enforce it, come here for support and strength. This is where taking care of yourself really helps. You must find a way to declare and enforce your boundaries. And if she cannot abide by the terms of your reconciliation agreement, then you MUST 180. She will never respect you, nor will you ever respect yourself otherwise.

Stay strong, friend. We're here to help you do that.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy?


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zanny - just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and sending you my support and prayers. (((Zanny)))
Weepy - are you ok?


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, I know this really doesn't have an answer but there has to be some broad idea. When do you knwo if this is working? When do I know that he is serious? When do I know if he's not going back to ehr? I mean, NC for a year? NC for 5 years? When does it get any easier?

I feel like I'm on the most horrible rollercaoster. And mostly I'm my own worst enemy. Writing stories in my head about the affair that may or may not have happened, obsessing. He is doing everything he can right now for the most part. I just need time. But how much? When do these terrible triggery days stop creeping up? I feel like I just don't have the energy for it. Sometimes it woudl be just easier to start over with someoen else. And honestly, with no kids, I woudl be doing just that. but two kids makes a big difference. I want them to haev their daddy here. I do love him adn I think he does love me. It's just all so complicated and hard. I remember when loving wasn't this hard.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been away and it's hard to catch up--already in a new room!

Zanny, lots of hugs to you--what a nightmare--

Weepy, I agree that knowledge is power--keep snooping.

Hefty, you've gotten lots of good advice--read it all! And please really take in what someone said about you're being so early in this process--so much to find out, to process, to hurt and rage over--be kind to yourself.

Nothing new here--still plugging away--irritations and arguments are coming more now from "regular" issues, personality differences, the usual long term marriage stuff. But the LTA stuff is always there, and we do try to work on our communication with each other and changing our more unproductive styles of discussing--and that's good. But there are often days when I think we will never be baseline happy or content again. Just together, okay sometimes, discontented others, but committed anyway. Sort of sad, especially after over 2 years, but for me, that's the nature of the LTA/OC mess. Thank god for you all.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Lost,
When do these terrible triggery days stop creeping up?

I think everyone is different in their healing journey. But the standard time to "recover" according to the experts is 2 to 5 years. The first year was the worst for me. I mean the *whole* year. About 18 months after dday I started to trigger less. And now at 2 plus years out I have reminders of the A, but don't have the raw emotion attached that I used to. The scary thing is there are NO guarantees here. Anyone who is in R after their spouse has an LTA is taking a chance. And it is darn scary. Like you, had I been without children I think I would have walked. Not for everyone, but they really ARE the reason I stayed. Everyone's M and situation pre-A is different.

If you can step back and focus on your healing and realize that you are "normal" in what you are feeling after this trauma hopefully it will help. It is not healthy to stuff the feelings, and like any grief it is a process that you have to work through. No shortcuts, unfortunately. There are two aspects IMHO after an LTA... 1) your personal healing and 2) the healing of the marriage if you choose to R. Both are draining and require a LOT of hard work with both partners actively involved. I'm still "recovering" and not "fully reconciled".. but it is getting easier with time. I also realized that I can't control my H and if he does this again he knows what the consequences will be. He's had a lot of therapy, and done a lot of self-reflection. But how do we know for sure? I don't think we can. That is where we all have to decide whether we have it in us to take that chance again.

Weepy & Zanny, thinking of you both. Extra prayers your way.

Unable and Zolotas and some of our other tribe sisters that re-surfaced, nice to "see" you!!!

I echo the sentiments here and appreciate everyone's contribution to this group.

Heartbroken


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending our Tribe some images in my mind ...

the pink, gold and tangerine of the sunrise

the soft white clouds dotting a cornflower sky

the deep velvet blue with streaks of royal purple at dusk

the ebony sky of night dotted with sparkling bits of light


Every one of you is enveloped within these images for me.

Blessings and hugs,
SVS



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just have a sec. H's elderly 95 y/o aunt died and we're running all over hell's half acre for the wake and funeral. It was a blessing she died so it's more of a celebration - once we make the trek in and out of the city for the next two days!

BT - you have the most AWESOME analogies! I LOVED what you said about the house being rewired. Read it to my H and he said he'll use it if he has to defend me again with the MC!

SVS - thanks for the lovely images. Much needed and much appreciated!

Weepy where are you? We're all concerned here.

(((((Tribe)))))


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and Steelergal it's good to see you! And no one would ever consider you a post hog. We don't get to see enough of you!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Gang,

Like Weepy (whose WS is very much like mine), I could be in way too many of these "I can relate" threads, sigh.

WS is working across the country from me, so this xmas visit we just had the first time we'd seen in each other in over 6 mos. It was stressful & good in a way, but as he kept NONE of the promises he made before leaving, his ice is even thinner than it was. I can't prove he's even tried to cheat again (claimed to be SA after the fiasco when working at the same place last yr), but he didn't do the things he promised such as send weekly receipts home, continue therapy, etc.

Now he's being "nice" again, with his usual claims of working harder on "us" but it's not impressing me at all yet. Time wil tell. Meanwhile here I am, sigh.

Has anyone heard from Weepy?

Zanny, I know how hard this latest development has hit you, my heart goes out to yours & wish you didn't have to deal with this new sorrow.


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. Any more slip ups instant 180. I think I can do it now. I actually feel like I am detaching from her at this point. I in many ways do not care if I scare her away. I am doing what I need to do for me and am scared as hell to get really close to her at all. I believe the thing I am waiting for is true remorse from her. What do you think shows remorse? I had some initially and now do not see it.
Sorry to all other LTA'ers as well as this is the worse place to be. I would gladly have sacrificed my left arm than go through this.

[This message edited by heftysmurf at 5:39 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT,

Terrific analogy about the house. Really works for me. Thanks.

feel like I'm on the most horrible rollercaoster. And mostly I'm my own worst enemy.

So Lost,
I was thinking along these lines lately too. How ironic that after being betrayed like this...on a bad day, I am now the "enemy" to myself.
Another gift that can keep giving from LTA.....if we allow it...
It is one of my 2008 goals to NOT allow it.

the pink, gold and tangerine of the sunrise
the soft white clouds dotting a cornflower sky
the deep velvet blue with streaks of royal purple at dusk
the ebony sky of night dotted with sparkling bits of light

Beautiful, just beautiful.

Thanks, SVS

There are two aspects IMHO after an LTA... 1) your personal healing and 2) the healing of the marriage if you choose to R. Both are draining and require a LOT of hard work with both partners actively involved. I'm still "recovering" and not "fully reconciled".. but it is getting easier with time

HB, Much wisdom in what you write here.
SO true that the personal healing from LTA must be undertaken as a separate entity from the healing of the M.
And it is not a process that comes with a manual.

Unable and Zolotas...glad to see you back.

Uni, Thanks for dropping in.
Always good to see you. It has to be hard to pull of R when he is not onsite. But then again, somedays, I wonder if it would be easier...???
SO good to see you here.

Hefty,

...I am doing what I need to do for me

And that is the best and most productive thing for you TO do right now.

cowgirl,

Thinking of you as you cover all the bases with the funeral.

Hugs to all.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MC climbed all over my ass for being so invested in the relationships here at SI and felt I was using SI as surrogate therapy! Also felt I was in dialog here when I should be in dialog with H!Also felt that I was keeping the A and infidelity alive in my M by being here versus moving on. You could have knocked me over with a feather when she said all this.

OTC this is what I heard almost word for word from my IC. That's why I took the break back in December. And I'm sure the zanny situation is why. Yes, I felt the white hot anger again, but just a general outrage. I wasn't mad at my H. I was mad at zanny's. This is way different from July when we found out about another friend's affair and I transferred it to mine. didn't even want to be around him for quite a while.

I don't talk about my tribe to anyone now. We ARE the only ones who understand. Just like the school of thought "he cheats, I'm done" no one knows what it's like to walk in these shoes until they have.

Like I said, I think zanny's situation triggered me. I'm still monitoring the cell usage, but I don't know why. The bill came and he asked why they weren't sending the full detail any more (I told ATT I just wanted the summary) and I told him that it was a paperless thing. He's been using all our anytime minutes and part of the rollover since he got the phone. I tried to educate him on what calls he SHOULD be making from the cell and which calls it made more sense to use the landline for. Then he said if he wanted to see the actual numbers, he'd have to go on line right? And I said yes. That's a problem.... I made a phone book and put names to all the numbers I could identify as I went along. Now if he goes on line he'll see "Wayne" or "Ross" or "Home" rather than a number. The only way I could have gotten that info was through snooping, so I'll just hope he doesn't look. He doesn't have the password, he's never asked.

hefty, I know your concern about the 180. I was having trouble implementing it at first. Failed every time because I wanted so much to "fix" my H. It wasn't until about the 8th time I tried it that I realized how much peace it gave me. It felt weird to be a couple in R and one of the parties not working on fixing things. But having only one working on it doesn't work either.

My H lied, manipulated, got angry, refused to answer questions, provoked me. He's NOTHING like the ideal remorseful FWS we read about. I figured he had our MC snowed, I made him go to IC, I snooped, monitored his computer usage, his tv watching, his phone calls. And I waited. I am a very patient person apparently.

2+ years out... we're no where near perfect. And I have my moments of anger and pain and suspicion. I think that's normal.

I compare the first 6 months following Dday with childbirth. If we truly remembered the pain, we'd never do it again. And that is kind of comforting to me. I know that if I ever have a second Dday, there will be no pain like that that. I'm sure I will feel a deep saddness, but my H will be gone, there will be no more mountain to struggle up.

As to your question about remorse... my H broke down several times those first months, but I think it was out of fear of losing me, not because he was sorry about what he'd done. There was no way he could see the damage or how deep it went at that point. Here's what I see as true remorse....

Last weekend we had a fight because his Christmas "toy" wasn't perfect right out of the box. He was missing a couple parts, he started complaining about how there's no such thing as workmanship any more, that no one has any pride in what they do, he kept getting madder. It was a gift I gave him and I felt bad that it wasn't "right". I started off a sentence "I know it's not MY fault...." (I have a tendency to take the blame for everything wrong in the world)... and he interrupted me. Said he hated when I took that attitude, that he wasn't blaming me. We fought for an hour with me telling him if I was sad, I was going to show it, if I was angry, I was going to show it and he'd just have to live with that too. He started to cry, couldn't speak. I sat down with him and told him I wasn't leaving him. He cried harder. When I asked him what he was feeling, he shook his head "no". I asked him if my anger scared him and he said yes. The why? Because he is afraid HE'LL do the one thing wrong that will give me cause to finally leave... and he doesn't BLAME me, he BLAMES himself. Even with all his talk about how "he's over it, it was the past, he's forgiven himself," he still knows he screwed up royally and can't fix it his way. (Pretend it never happened) And he doesn't have the emotional skills to fix it the right way.

But I know he's trying, failing sometimes, but trying. One day he was out and called me 22 times. It was starting to get really annoying... never thought I wouldn't want to hear from him. He tries to comfort me. That's remorse. But I also need to recognize that he has his limits too. He has to go to work and be productive, he can't be texting me every 15 minutes. He needs his sleep, he can't hold me all night while I cry. He hates to see me sad, angry, crying, suspicious because he can't take how it makes HIM feel.

That was kind of long winded, but your wife may take a while to come around. It could be months before you see anything resembling remorse (by your standards). Watch. Be patient. Take care of yourself in the meantime. Read up, meditate, see a therapist, see your doctor, think about meds to help level out the highs and lows.

Hi to everyone who was offering concern about me. H took off work yesterday -- I don't think he can stand the idea that I'm home all day all the time and he isn't, for a change. We saw a movie, had a nice dinner and made love later. (his idea AGAIN! He's 4 for 5 since November). Now if we can only get his "at bats" more frequent...


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy - good to see you back and sounding wonderful. We were worried and here you were enjoying a great day with your H.
My H and I had a mini breakthrough yesterday too. I have been so distressed with the combination of my anti-versary and the awful Christmas incident that I have hardly been able to look at him. Long story short, we spent about 4 hours in the wee hours of the morning with my crying, and begging for understanding and him trying to reassure me, then off to MC'ing which went well to returning back home and spending the rest of the day in bed (something must be in the air ). It feels so good to overcome these lows. God I hate the lows!!!!! It's amazing how these intimate moments can re-energize you and keep you moving forward toward a complete R.
Heftysmurf - sorry for the late welcome but I'm glad you have found this place - just sorry that you have to be here. You are getting great advice. As many have said before me, R'ing from a LTA is not for the weak of heart. It takes tremendous strength, love and the total commitment to R on the part of your W to get through this time. We're here for you for as long as you need us. You can see that this is a long process. Many of us are 2 years + out and we still come here for support. Don't get discouraged. I forget who said this (was it you NAS?)but I think it's important to understand: LTA = LT recovery. So, so true!
OTC - sorry to hear about your H's aunt. Although it was a blessing, it still hurts to lose someone we love.
Lost Heart - I'll be in touch. Came home from vacation with an awful cold (airplane germs I guess) and I don't want to spend our telephone time coughing and sneezing. How does Monday sound?
Hugs to the rest of tribe and most especially to you Zanny. You're in all of our hearts and prayers.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
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