The trauma thing.... loathing the abuser, and loving them too. Ummm hmmmm. I can relate.
I own the T-shirt. For nearly 18 months it was all I wore. Looking back it humbles me. NEVER, EVER imagined someone like me, could crumble as I did.
Yet... this crumbling is the part of being human, and married to someone who (seemmingly) shifted into NPD overdrive quickly.
What gets me now... it still hurts. I keep thinking it should not be as it is now. And yet... I read the NPD stuff, and recognize who my H is in all these postings. Denial is a wonderful, and effective pain modifier. Like an IV solution....
drip, drip, drip... reality arrives, gently.
So, my own story of what has transpired is shifting.
Pain, yes. Hugely. But also gratitude.
This defection of his to another... it could be seen as rejection and replacement...
but more and more, it is a salvation. I am being spared. Our children (who wish to not see him now), too are being spared. Crazy is...as crazy does, but no longer in front of me.
So dear ones of the tribe (I love that!)...
weep with me...
and envy me too!
He phoned yesterday, to inform that he will file for divorce soon!
Lessons in love, arrive unexpectedly. This NPD spouse betrayal path, provides deep lessons in love (of self). Lesson in learning to breath in the pain, to breath out compassion, kindness, understanding of other's pain.
I am totally with Bob on this one - No Contact!! It is the only way to survive and begin to heal. Build up a barrier between yourself and the freak - you do not deserve to be hurt so stop letting them near you.
I know it is very difficult to do this (and I often feel like speaking to my ex about things) but he doesn't care so why should I? There is nothing left and the sooner you can realise this the easier it will be. Nobody deserves to be treated like we have been treated and there comes to a point when you have to say "no more".
The point for me was when he sent a text message meant for the other women to my phone. This was in between him sending me abusive messages.
When you reach that lowest point and give up any hope in the relationship you will begin to free yourselves from the mess. Everyone has their own point when this happens.
No contact is the only way forward.
My ex is becoming so text-book it is hilarious! He sent a text yesterday saying he can pick up my son from a party but can only have him for half and hour because he is "going out".
Do I give a fiddlers about this? Not in the slightest!
Then when he drops off my son he says he will be late picking them up in the morning because he is "going out".
Does he think I care?
What is he trying to prove? He has a social life? Wow! How amazing. Everything he does or says to me is meant to make me feel bad about myself! But it doesn't because I don't care!
I care so much that when he told me he was going out the second time I let the the door we were walking through at the time fall back into his face! He is such a loser!
And I really don't care what he does with his life! Live happily ever after or drop down dead - I don't care! But when will he get the message...to be continued!
I am still doing IC and I know I must for it is what will help me keep walking somewhat straight. I accept what Bob is saying in that all of what I am going thru is very fresh and that I need to give myself time to accept.
Sometimes I am completely fine with thinking he is not in my life, and then there are days that I have had,and miss him like crazy.
I realize now that I am vulnerable, my therapist has said that to me, and she has told me to forgive myself when I do things that are not with putting me first. I realize all things take time, but the bumps in the road are deep and when you go over them, I sometimes hit my head on the roof inside my vehicle.
Everything he does or says to me is meant to make me feel bad about myself!
For those going through withdrawal (((((big hugs))))) I know it's tough, because I've been there! It was like going through withdrawal getting out of my past two relationships. I look back now and it doesn't seem logical.....I was hurting so bad over someone who abused me. You guys will get to that point also, I promise! You will get to the other side of the mountain, but you have to climb it. You can't go around it. Your NPD Xs spend their lives going around the mountains of life.
Think about this: If you weren't hurting you would be just like your NPD Xs.
And You're Not.
[This message edited by jjct at 7:41 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]
Running around in circles building up momentum and slamming into a brick wall, picking myself up and building momentum again OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My mother can hold it together sometimes, but today wasn't one of those times. She yelled at my daughter to "Shut up" over something that neither of us can remember. Her conversation was so inappropriate at the dinner table that I think my daughter is traumitized. I'm not kidding.
I can believe I survived my childhood. What happened today was the tip of the iceberg compared to what I grew up with. I haven't talked much about my childhood with my counseler, but one time I did go into some of it and tears came up in her eyes. I guess the kind of abuse I experienced as a child would be considered shocking to most people.
I know it is a blessing that I am as normal as I am. I told my BFF (of about 8 years) about the abuse a few months ago. He said he would have never guessed....so that's good, right?
I wish I could forget. I wish I could escape from the memory of what has happend to me.
Interesting that I have gravitated to those with personality disorders, my XH and my XBF. I either have to break that cycle or not be involved in any more relationships.
I wanted to make it all better, after all that has happened, why would that be the first thing I think of
He told me that it is over with OW, that she wants nothing to do with him. She returned the ring to him, it is on the table at the farm. He is panicking because he is trying to figure out a way to get the $$ that he owes her, OMG it is Canadian $67,000.00
He told me that he is already looking into a loan and will be making more calls to see who will give him one. I told him that she told me NOT to give him any of my money and he said that he doesn't want my money, that if I gave it to him that it would be my decision.
My head is spinning, I don't even have my settlement money and I think it is a good thing I don't, for a I know how much it would take to clear the problem, yet I worry because I see a man who is worried about money, not about what he has done.
He has admitted that he sees what he did is wrong, but he said that "she has all the power and control, and he has to tread lightly or she will put a lien on the house, and he will lose it". I said do you want to go back to her. He said it is over, plain and simple. He did say "whatever you two talked about, clarified for her what she was looking for".
I said what about me, after all that has happened, how do I fit into this mess? He said why don't we see where things will go? I said, for me it will take a hell of a long time, I can't just pick up and go "hey here I am, come to me".
So I see a man who only acknowledges that he is at fault for what he knows (does that make sense)? See he said to me today "OW blames you, well not you exactly, she said that because I was never out of the picture...." and then he says "and that is my fault" I said "you have to understand she feels betrayed, hurt, humiliated, just like I do." she is very bitter and who wouldn't be?
So he is still living there, on the couch, afraid to leave a home that he realized he was selfish enough to put up for collateral without any regard for anyone but himself.
I on the other hand, realized today that for the first time in my life "I don't need him, he actually." (If I choose to let him be in my life).
OMG someone help me find the sanity, I don't feel like I am spinning or anything, just conflicted with all that I have been learning in IC and in group, and the withdrawal, the memories of what I have gone thru and yet here he is all fucked up, it is his fault, and I want to make it better
Haven't done a thing, haven't touched anything, I am actually scared to even consider what it will be like when I see my lawyer and we talk settlement monies and feeling like I will have a variety of vultchers (sp) between my family who have "hinted" that they could use some of my money for their remaining mortgage "oh just kidding" shit. Well I am sure you know what I am talking about.
I think if I had a choice between winning the lottery or settling my lawsuits, I think I would choose to stay poor, people leave you alone.
But on the other hand, I have had a hard 5 years without the funds that I lost due to my injuries and the road to independence has been so friggin hard not to mention what has been going on with X.
Am I really sane?
Try to stay focused on what you have done in your life without him.. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS
I am choosing to remain focused on me. Keep going to IC, call everytime I need to, and thank goodness I can. Let him figure out what he is going to do, I can listen and be an ear, but I am not ready to "accept" that what I hear is really real, because I am convinced he is telling me what he thinks I want to hear.
Not only that, he is just focused on the money he owes her, and getting the farm back. Not about me and what I have been thru. But at the same time, if it were me, would I be any different?
The road to healing is a road you must take alone. You cannot even stay "friends" (or his idea of the word) with him. You must disengage. Go no contact. Heal. And find the whole world ready to let you live beautifully and wholly.
More hugs for you, dear one. For your own sake, please no more visits or talks with him. He's a stranger to you. He always will be.
I feel better for releasing the frustration, can think a little clearer.
C, I am so sorry to hear of your very upsetting visit with your mother today. Is your DD ok? How are you? It is good that you are able to see what you may not have been able to before, that is a sign of progress.
My house is SOOOOO clean... That is what I do as well when I have so much on my mind and cannot focus on one thing
CLEAN.. Itty, my Best Friend thinks I am nuts but It does help, Orginization is Serenity... HA If only I could orginize the thoughts in my head into folders and shut them when I don't need them or want to deal with them.
Stung, please be careful. That man has his hooks so deep in you that no matter what you realize rationally, you are still likely to behave very irrationally and with little regard for the consequences to yourself. Don't let these emotions cause you to wreck your little boat. You have a real chance for some security and peace. Don't let these vultures take it away from you. It is your RIGHT and your OBLIGATION to take care of Stung, and you have had too many clear demonstrations that this man is NOT going to do it. Here's a true fact. Repeat this to yourself. Write it somewhere, and don't forget it for a moment. Everybody you know can want whatever they want and need whatever they need. It is NOT your obligation or your job to respond to their wants and needs, MOST ESPECIALLY when it means wrecking your own chances for happiness. Be wary. Don't let an impulsive action in a vulnerable moment impact the rest of your life. You have choices.
[This message edited by Longlost at 7:14 PM, January 13th (Sunday)]