I have already filed for sole custody with supervised visitation for him, and I have to stick to that. He should not be left alone with an impressionable child.
Thank you for welcoming me here. Unfortunately, I fit right in.
[This message edited by jjct at 7:31 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]
I am really, really paranoid about dating. My last relationship ended 6 months ago. I'm lonely, but the closer I get to dating the more panic I feel. It feels better to think about dating in the future....but I feel life is passing me by.
I worry about being suddenly left. It is becoming apparent to me that it may not be worth the stress that it seems to cause me to date, but then again, I am lonely.
I wonder sometimes if I have PTSD.
[This message edited by bobelina at 9:28 AM, January 9th (Wednesday)]
Dating. I'd recommend to all in our shoes lay off dating for awhile. Take care of and work on yourself. Figure out how you got yourself into this situation. As the Buddhist said to me: She's not your "X" wife anymore. She's your "Y" (as in why?) wife.
Just my 10 cents.
ETA: Clarification. To work on yourself, I do not mean find out "Whats wrong with you" or "What did you do wrong". You may still find things you could have done better, maybe not. That's not the point. Point is, you didn't do anything wrong. You were targeted. A-ha !!! Find out what you gave up/gave into that allowed you to be taken by the N. Remember: They are Predators !!!
[This message edited by bobelina at 9:38 AM, January 9th (Wednesday)]
BoB - are you trying to understand? hmmm thought you knew better than that by now. Stop letting them pull you into the drama. It is like feeding the bears. Make a good strong back up plan to her not being there on time that does not involve her. After you don't rely on her once or twice, you'll see a difference. Remember any time a N feels you need them for something they will play keep away.
Welcome Bren. Good to see you posting again. If I remember correctly the waiter test had to do with how N's treat them. Do they tip, are they rude, do they see them still as humans? etc.
Cerise - I started a long distance relationship but during one conversation it was mentioned that he could not stand criticism; I ended there and then. Was too large of a red flag for me. I've been on one date since that just didn't go anywhere. I'm not putting myself out there either. Honestly I'm happy being single and my life is hectic enough between kids and work to involve anyone else.
The part of that article I found new and interesting was
I (never mention the fact that you are a separate, independent entity, narcissists regard others as extensions of their selves, their internalization processes were screwed up and they did not differentiate properly)
Somehow I know this but did not really think about it. What is the first thing they tell you in MC? Use "I" statements. Well the lightbulb went off and now I understand why that went so poorly!!
Many positive thoughts for all.
Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles
He has been known to watch himself cry in the mirror because he thinks he looks "beautiful."
Crazy, isnt it! My XH was that way about his intelligence, but as my mother said he is clever, but not very smart.
Narcissists especially see their children as extensions of themselves. I also remember reading that they are likely reject their children once the children no longer adore them.
I dated. After a rocky back-and-forth year, I told xF in mid-October to move his stuff out and/or shove it up his ass. I was out of the relationship for good. I'd had a suicide attempt in July and overheard him talking to the doctor in my room when they both thought I was asleep. It took me from July to October to work things out to my best (although small) advantage and get the strength to kick him out. He had until February 1st to get gone.
My best friend held my hand through all of the autumn turmoil without even knowing it. I gave my best friend dating advice (he was five years younger and dating a mutual friend of ours) and took a lot of late-night calls where he just wanted to chit-chat. His folks were in Pakistan for a couple of years and he needed family. I became his big sister. By being there for him, I learned that I could still have compassion, even in the midst of Hell.
I dated a few guys, all of them perfectly normal... which freaked me out at first. I decided I was still too negative, too hurt, and chose not to date. It was better than hurting a nice guy. And, frankly, with xF still under my roof, it was safer to just lie low and not agitate him in that way.
Sometime around the middle of November, I realized I was falling for this friend. What the hell? I argued with myself for days about it. He was still dating the mutual buddy, but it wasn't going well. xF was carrying on like nothing was wrong, probably certain that I'd relent and not make him move out. I knew I was in no position to do anything. I decided that if I still felt this way in the spring, I'd sit down and talk with him.
I have to say here that it felt slightly incestuous. All of our friends laughed at us, asking how we got separated at birth and such. We finished one another's sentences, shared the same plate at big suppers out, etc. Looking back, I saw some signs about various things (he liked me, he was biding his time, he wanted me to heal) but was so warped myself after walking out of an NPD relationship that I didn't appreciate it for what it was.
At the end of November, my best friend walked into his kitchen and, without a word, kissed me. My knees gave out and he had to catch me. (How Harlequin! But it really happened. I was in shock.)
I've posted the rest of the story elsewhere in the NPD thread (#2? #3?), but you probably ought to know that my best friend was Mr. Threnody.
Dating after an NPD can be surreal. You look for ulterior motives. Mr. Threnody finally got through to me once early on by saying, "If there is more than one way to take something I say, just assume I'm saying it in the best way." The "normal" guys I dated in between were all very nice. One or two of them may have worked out somehow for me, but they weren't my equal in a few ways that are very important to me, ways that became much, much more important to me after the relationship with xF. None of them would have made it long-term with me. That's the plain truth. I would have felt like I was settling, somehow, and the one thought that was burned into my very soul by that point was that I would never, EVER settle again. I was going for exactly what I wanted, and if that meant I never achieved it so be it. Not having it at all was better than being teased with the possibility of having it someday.
Because that's all xF ever did. Tease me with the possibilities. "I'll be <thing> if you do <thing>." "I'll go to the theater with you if you'll <thing>." It was all bargaining, and it always failed to work out the way he said it would. Tease. Tease. Tease. I spent the whole relationship thinking things like, "Maybe it'll work out next time." "I didn't give it long enough." "I'll try harder." And he continued to tease. No matter what, he failed to deliver.
I decided to never settle. And I didn't.
I'm a hard woman now in that regard. Hard on myself, I should say. I don't drive anybody -- husband, kids, friends. I love them and support them and encourage them. I only drive myself. I'm the only one I have control over. And I never, ever tease myself. I say it like it is, talk straight to myself, and realize that if I bullshit myself I'm settling. Again.
Go date. It can be fun. But don't settle. Stay true to what you know you need, and don't deviate, don't compromise, don't bargain. The right partner is out there. Mine just happened to be under my nose.
Sorry I didn't get on here last night, I am trying to adjust to having two jobs and when I do get home I am bushed. I am sure it will get better right?
I will re-read the threads and respond soon.
Just wanted to update that I did speak with my friend who works at the shelter I stayed at last summer, and she told me that the police can do drive byes where I live that I just need to explain what's happening and it shouldn't be a problem.
She wanted to let me know that she really does believe (and she knows his family well, small town, grew up near eachother etc.) that he is unstable and I need to be careful. She also said if I needed to come back to the shelter for a night of rest I am more than welcome to.
I don't know what to feel right now, part of me is relieved to know that the support is out there, and part of me is really sad that things have progressed this way.
He called while I was at work yesterday, I answered it (no Call Display) but the reception was really bad and I haven't heard since.
BUT I have IC this morning and it seems that everytime I have IC, something always happens!! The last two times I have gone something significant has happened.
I have to go to the doctor today for my shots for my hip and right shoulder, and work tonight, not a good day, plus go to my day time thru all of this. Lord give me strength!!
I haven't mustard up the courage to change my number yet, will that ever come? I am scared that if I do a RO or change my number he will freak. See when my cell was temporarily disconnected he kept calling my house, then he showed up. Same as last week, I went to my chiropractor appointment, and after I left, there he was driving by, in the opposite direction to where he needed to go!! I am also watching tire treads at my place, it looks like he may have been there, but then again maybe not.
God this thing called transition is soo fucking hard!!!
No update on where Rusty is buried or if he in fact got buried, for all I know he was put into a garbage bag and put out into the pit, or left to be eaten by the coyotes
I hugged my other dog that I have here with me, told him that I love him lots and lots, and that Rusty was gone. Don't think he understood, but it sure felt good to get lots and lots of kisses and doggie talk from him.
"sigh" ok off to shower and then off to start my day. With any luck I hope to get back on here tonight, failing that I am able to read messages thru my browser on my phone.
[This message edited by Cerise at 11:26 AM, January 9th (Wednesday)]
In terms of mourning the life you had before - ditto! I had just travelled around the world when I met the freak, I was going to train to be a teacher, I had lots of friends, a great social life and lots of plans. He slowly worked his way into each one and began to destroy it. I beccame pregnant and we got married - the shackles were on. I mourn what I was and resent what I have become. All I can do is go ?????????????????????????????? How did that happen!!
I have no words of advice I just know exactly how you feel!
I will catch up with the other threads later.
Yes, I try to balance my emotions out now between Heartless Bitches & Og Mandino's site, plus other "motivational" sites.
We've had a mini blizzard...I have to shovel snow now...luv & hugs to everyone!
ETA: Yes, my N started to *show* his true colors to the waitress about half an hour prior to our wedding...he was niggardly with his tip & his attitude was like...'ugh, she's beneath me/us'...POS!
RED FLAG, for sure!!!!!
Hang in there & keep posting.
[This message edited by dreamlife at 12:59 PM, January 9th (Wednesday)]
Ns. There a Hoot !!! NOT !!!!!!!!!!!!
"It's all about me."
"You don't give me enough sympathy."
"I thought you would choose me over your family, friends, and activities. But since you didn't, I'll find someone else that will."
Have an N-free day, everyone (if that's possible!)!
He thinks we should still "see each other and keep it light."
For some reason I'm picturing Ron Jeremy, with a large medallion on his chest, and him pointing his finger, clicking his tongue, and saying, "Here's looking at you kid." (I have a vivid imagination).
I hear ya about the dreams deferred; being with an N changes your entire attitude about things and you have to relearn normal. I've always loved to write, and I was happy writing my own little blog, which pisses my N off. I should be writing content for his website, even though I share a computer with the children and have to compete with them for computer time. He wants this blog to attract business to his website for his Google Adsense stuff. And even though it sounds funny, I write at least 1 blog a day, I get a decent amount of traffic, some of which are not on my friends list, but who still read it every day, but it never occurred to me until Monday that I could actually write a blog on my own and make money on my own off of it. That kind of independent thinking had been stripped off of me; if I wasn't doing it for him, then I never thought to do it for myself.