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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N.P.D. Thread Part V
StungAgain
♀ Member
Member # 13283
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, January 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really, I guess it just seems like such a hard thing to say about someone. I wasn't raised to be "harsh" so to speak.

Geeish now I am off to walk the dog, be back in a bit.

Bob, Dragon, everyone, how are you all doing today?


BS 41 (me)
H 42
'GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS...
YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,
BUT YOU KNOW THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE.'

Posts: 822 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: British Columbia,Canada
Longlost
♀ Member
Member # 16177
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, January 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stung, honestly, what I'm waiting to hear is that you care for yourself. I thought I was hearing that before, but I dunno. I read your "trip report," and I'm dismayed. You are NOT protecting yourself.

I guess I missed something between when you were dreading that he was going to interfere with your trip somehow and when you decided to take him with you. I'm not being nasty--just trying to understand. What made you think it was a good idea for him to go with you? What benefit did you think would come from it?

What more is this man going to have to do to you to convince you that HE DOES NOT CARE HOW MUCH HE HURTS YOU?

He wants money. You are going to have money soon. He is working you.

Here's your 2X4: I think he's going to get your money. I don't think you are going to protect yourself. He's going to take your money and then he's going to be gone, and you'll be worse off than you've ever been. And he WILL rub it in.

Think about it.


Wisdom and pain are not mutually exclusive.
____________________________
Barn's burnt down--
Now I can see the moon.
--Mizuta Masahide

Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: West of Bizarro World
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, January 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People with NPD regularly are able to convince people that they care, are nice people are care about others and will be there for them... Blah, blah, blah. When they do show their real self we are shocked and dismayed because we can't imagine doing that to someone and turning on a dime like that. For them it is the horrible part that is real and they will screw you over just for fun and then laugh behind your back about it. (I was so shocked at my ex doing this to me. His best friend sat me down and told me all the sick games he would play with me over the years and then go brag to him about it. It took me a long time to accept that it was real because it was so beyond imagination to me).

The whole "treat them nice and then turn horrible" is to keep you hooked into them. Very much like Stockholm syndrome. You are made to be reliant on them for everything from your self-worth and self-esteem to the thoughts and ideas you consider to be your own. They somehow manage to get us so totally twisted up we don't know if we are coming or going.

The only real way to break free from it is to go NC and say NO MORE. They have no issues screwing you over and until you decide to stop them with everything you have they will continue to use you.

I have found that any time my ex is being nice he is working at screwing me over somhow. I go on high alert at that point because over the years I have finally learned that he is up to something and I had best protect myself.

This is basically the whole "asshole" factor because it is how they operate and they really do it to everyone they can because they are out for themselves alone. If they seem to be helping you it is only because they feel they can gain something from the situation fast by being nice. when nice won't work or it too hard to do, you an bet your bottom $ that nasty will come out to play.

StungAgain you have to get Harsh with him. He will understand it and may even respect it. My ex now has some level of respect for me because I will attack him (legally, financially etc) in any way I have to if he steps out of line. He now knows that and has learned that I am not as stupid as he once thought. I do have to keep doing it with him because he is always trying to come up with a new tactic to get one over on my. It is a game for him when he is bored. I am just thrilled to bits that he has a new play thing to mess with. His fiance is alot more gullable and they make a perfect pair.

As for how I am doing, I am in a rut. I have very little motivation to do much of anything and feel like my life is out of focus right now. Not sure what direction I want to go in and feel very much like my life is at a stand still. Not a pleasant feeling.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, January 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lied - I agree with a lot of what you have said. When my ex is "nice" to me he is always up to something. It is sad to say that I prefer the nasty side of him as that is real!
I am also in a bit of a limbo land - I'm not sure what direction I am going in either. It is very hard to recover from the mess. Now that all of the "drama" is over and some of the issues are resolved, I am at a bit of a loss about what I actually am. My counsellor said to enjoy the finding myself time - to be honest it scares me as I really don't know what I am anymore. I hear you Lied!

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, January 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stungagain: That's exactly my point. Harsh is playing two women against each other, sleeping with both, bilking one out of tens of thousands of dollars to buy family property from the other. That's harsh. That's borderline evil.

Saying, "Get yourself together before I will have anything else to do with you" is in no way, shape or form harsh.

As a kind of aside to all of this, Stockholm Syndrome, et al, scientists did a study (or at least, this is how the urban legend goes) of 3 groups of rats. One group of rats got a special treat every time they pushed a button. At first they were on it a lot, but after a while, the novelty wore off and they pushed it every now and again. The second group of rats got a nice shiny button -- that did nothing. They were curious and pushed it a couple of times, but left it alone. The third group of rats got a nice shiny button that only pushed a treat out once every 10 times. Those rats STAYED on that button.

That's what our NPD's do to us. They throw us a treat every so often, and we keep coming back to push that button, waiting for the treat. But it's simple mathematics: being treated well 10% of the time will never replace a whole relationship with someone who loves you and cares about you.

As far as the plotting behind the back, and the setting you up for failure, yeah, that would happen, too. Mine has changed the food rules again; he used to hate whole-kernel corn and so all I started buying was cream-style. Now he likes cream-style with rice and whole-kernel with potatoes. So I have "learned," but he did get a night of bitching out of it.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, January 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NPD's are all about control. They will contol their victims through any means. They always "hook" their victim with kindness and present themselves as the "perfect mate" or "soul mate." If they first came off as the ass-hole they really are, we wouldn't have anything to do with them, RIGHT??

This kindness and honeymoon stage is FAKE. They are PRETENDING. You have something they want. But, during this time, you will likely feel more in love than you ever have in your entire life. You will feel as though this man has you held on the highest pedestal known to man.

It won't last.

Once they get whatever ever it is they want (which you most likely have willingly handed over) and they are finished with you, they will discard you and devalue you and the most cruel and SHOCKING manner imaginable.

It will seem as though it is their life's mission to destroy you. There will be no boundries here. They will stoop to the low of lows during this time. Horrible lies will be told about you. You friends and family will not be off limits.

Shock and denial will do you no good at this point. Going back, trying to stay in touch with him to know "what he's up to", or any other type of contact will do you NO GOOD. Why? Because NPD's are PATHALOGICAL LIARS. Even if they will speak to you in a civil tougne, everything that comes out of their mouth is likely more lies and they are only manipulating you further.

The only way to be free of a narcissist is to go COMPLETE NO CONTACT.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
StungAgain
♀ Member
Member # 13283
What?  Posted: 1:12 PM, January 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for your reminders.

I just told him that my life will stay on the track it is on presently. He freaked out and I said that for me, nothing has changed, that I am and will continue on the path for ME, not him.

Off to work, won't be on till after 9:30mountain time.

It sucks, but I know that what you are all saying is true.

At the moment he is freaking out because he has applied to six mortgage companies and is hoping to hear from one of them ASAP. He said that he is the one bent over with his head in the water. I said, not a nice feeling is it? He said, no it isn't.

I felt like saying, gee now you know how I have felt all this time!


BS 41 (me)
H 42
'GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS...
YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,
BUT YOU KNOW THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE.'

Posts: 822 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: British Columbia,Canada
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, January 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe)))
Hey all. Spent a couple hours today dealing with D and kid issues.
It seems that when dealing with an N, most folks don't quite understand. Even in the law world. Then again "Brain Dead BoB" may be missing something here. Maybe it's because STBXPDW is assumed normal until proven otherwise? Maybe let her actions speak in the court room?
I have so much paper work on her but it's still "he said she said". Until Ad Litum time I'm kinda "screwed" proving anything. Not any one thing is end of the world. Yet I have 100's of pages of stuff.
It's interesting how people can skirt the law, repeatedly by flying just under the radar. Like SadToo's N.
This isn't fun. Patience Grasshopper, Patience.

Thanks.

BoB

ETA: Still need a creative way to secure the money to retain a lawyer. Damn !!!

[This message edited by bobelina at 2:22 PM, January 18th (Friday)]


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
DD123
♀ Member
Member # 13369
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, January 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone who had any experience in mediation? Especially mediation with an N? I have it next Tuesday... anyone who can send me a PM with any tips would be appreciated...

I never have been through anything like this before and have no idea of what to expect. Thanks!!!


Married 16 years
Kids - 16, 15, 7
D-day 12/4/06.
Many add'l d-days; many false Rs
Separated 3/18/07; Divorced 2/20/08

"Women are like tea bags...you never know how strong they are until they are in hot water!!!"


Posts: 667 | Registered: Jan 2007
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, January 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((DD123)))
I have my mediation soon also.

May he often put his foot in his mouth as only an N can, during mediation sessions.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, January 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe)))
Interesting developement:

DD13 just told me that a police detective came to school today to talk to her about the divorce. She said that DD8 told her the same thing.
She said that they talked about conditions at STBXPDWs and if they liked living with me. DD13 said she told them the same stuff she told me.
I find this rather interesting and if I may at the risk of sounding like a dork, somewhat exciting.
DDs getting to tell their story to the officals I feel is good. For them. And for our situation dealing with STBXPDW. DD was calm talking about it. I asked if she was OK. She said yes. Although she has been a little "pissy" tonight. I wonder if this is bothering her. She is pretty tight lipped when something bothers her but will then open up. I hope she's OK. This whole thing has just got to be overwhelming for the kids. All of our kids. It still sux that they are dealing with this.
I love my kids and I don't enjoy seeing them go thru this NPD Freak induced chaos.

Thanks and thoughts.

BoB

ETA: DD13 and I just hung out and talked about stuff. Nothing heavy. Giggle time. My kids always amaze me. I like them.

[This message edited by bobelina at 12:02 AM, January 19th (Saturday)]


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, January 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by jjct at 7:45 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, January 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((jjct)))
You did oh so well Brother, Congratulations !!!

Wow !!! Awesome !!! Wow !!!

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
Longlost
♀ Member
Member # 16177
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe)))

Good night, all you good, strong, wonderful people. Rest well and dream beautiful things. I believe, believe, BELIEVE that good things will be happening for you soon.


Wisdom and pain are not mutually exclusive.
____________________________
Barn's burnt down--
Now I can see the moon.
--Mizuta Masahide

Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: West of Bizarro World
Longlost
♀ Member
Member # 16177
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids always amaze me. I like them.

BoB, I think this will do more than anything else in the world to counteract their mother's influence.


Wisdom and pain are not mutually exclusive.
____________________________
Barn's burnt down--
Now I can see the moon.
--Mizuta Masahide

Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: West of Bizarro World
Longlost
♀ Member
Member # 16177
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops. Double post.

[This message edited by Longlost at 12:21 AM, January 19th (Saturday)]


Wisdom and pain are not mutually exclusive.
____________________________
Barn's burnt down--
Now I can see the moon.
--Mizuta Masahide

Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: West of Bizarro World
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by jjct at 7:47 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jj~ the gist I gleaned from this is that there can be no R with an N, that they never do get *better*...so RUN as fast as you can.
Well, if I'm right, that should answer a few questions here on this thread about N's ever changing.....they don't!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((JJCT)))
That post is beyond the truth of the matter. Oh my, does it ring true.

Sounds like my life but for the alcohol. LOL. I read a lot of Harley's material and applied it to no real avail in the end. You can not fill a black hole. And a black hole is but a oneway path on top of it. Nothing escapes the black hole and nothing is given by the black hole.

JJ, that was awesome. It is a classic post no doubt. Thanks for posting that.

BoB (He who is one to have encountered a black hole and is surviving. LOL. )


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by jjct at 7:48 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
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