Lord have mercy on my sole. I am so tired of the judicial system and all the crap that goes along with it. I spoke with an attorney who has a son with Asperger’s Syndrome. Her main practice is Family Law and she has years of experience in trial litigation for custody disputes. She reviewed all of my court dockets and pointed out some very strong points as well as what my ex’s attorney will argue to death in court.
1. While the Judge did say I could move at least 75 miles, his main argument was that “Relocation is not in the best interest of the children. The best interests of the children are served by stability. Birth Place is the only community the children have ever known.” From this section alone the attorney told me that I have already gone against the recommendation of the Judge. If I EVER want to take this back to court, I have to prove that it is in children’s best interest to live here. Granted I can see a difference in my son with Asperger’s Syndrome, but the school’s information regarding the same is not enough. I have to get a second “Professional” opinion that proves his best interests are being met. Meanwhile, the saga with the Psychologists continues. Finding someone to give that second opinion takes MONEY! Money that I don’t have.
2. The “Shared Parenting Plan” does give me the right to obtain services for the boys while they are in my custody, however, My Ex also has the right to seek services while they are in his custody. His refusal to accept the service providers I choose in Noble or the surrounding area is legitimate and will not even make the Judge flinch as it has been stated that the Children’s Best Interests are served in their birth city. Although refusing to pay his share of the Dentist visit is not legitimate because it a basic service. Now how in the world does that make sense? I tried to get some type of sense out of it but found none.
3. Now that Bitch PhD has come out of hiding and tried to contact me to schedule appointments, I need to follow through with this and see her with my son, despite the fact that I have already filed a complaint with the Board of Examiners, which is not confidential by the way. Never mind the fact that I view this woman as a completely immoral and unethical person lacking the professionalism required to call herself a PhD. Never mind all of that, this woman, in the eyes of the court is the “Expert” on Autism in Central Oklahoma.
4. I HAVE to communicate with my Ex. There are no if, ands or buts about it. No Contact will come across as be being asinine in the Judges eyes because they will never know the truth about the man he really is. His attorney and bitch PhD have made sure of this. So I have to let everything roll off of my back, and I am being forced to communicate with a man who takes great joy in brining me down or causing havoc in my life daily. A man I have absolutely no respect for not just because of the treatment I received during our marriage but people in general. He is a racist a bigot and belittles anyone who thinks they may for on moment think their opinion actually matters to him. This is the person I have to communicate with, decide the fate of the children with. The thought makes me physically ill. There is no reasoning with this man and he plays the victim oh so well. I have seen his inner core and the wickedness that lies within. While I do not want anything to do with such a person, I have no choice. If I want to hold on to my babies, I have to allow the abuse to continue. I have to throw myself back into the lions den. .
Is your head spinning yet because mine sure is. If I attempt to have a “life,” I will get smacked down by the court for it which means no relationships, or I am whore. If I attempt to get a full time job and place my children in Daycare, it will be thrown back in my face as “not being the care giver.” If they were with their father they would not have to be in daycare because he has other options, options not available to me. If I don’t drive my children back to Edmond for all of their services then I am not abiding by the Judge’s recommendation. So here’s a question for ya, am I really even divorced. GEESH!
In closing out our conversation, the attorney did let me know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. One day the boys will turn 12 and can chose for themselves or they will turn 18 and it will all be over.
Lord grant me the strength to continue to wake up everyday and go through the motions of life for my boys. Give me the strength to realize that while I have no choice but to communicate with this man, help me see that his wickedness is not the truth and that I am a person of worth. Grant me the patience needed to survive the long road I have ahead of me and to realize that this in the best interest of my children no matter how painful it may be for me.
[This message edited by Dragonfly32 at 8:10 PM, January 26th (Saturday)]
[This message edited by jjct at 7:53 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]
You may want to remove names and places from your post for security and privacy reasons.
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
My ex-husband (how I love to refer to him as this) arrived to pick the kids up this morning and my dd said we painted the kitchen yesterday. He said oh show me then
I do not want dd to feel akward but I hate the freak looking at anything I have done. He walked through to the kitchen and said oh yeah it matches the hole in the ceiling.
He made the hole in the ceiling three years ago with his DIY. He promised to fix it before he left etc etc. It is a symbol of him.
I thought why did you make such a pathetic comment? Loser! Are you trying to make me feel bad? However, my dd must of felt the need to compensate or something because she said mommy is getting it fixed soon.
I did not involve myself in the conversation, I just felt good for ignoring his attempts to wind me up!
How trivial...how pointless...but once again proving that he is so interested in what I do and just cannot bear it that I don't need him!
Two and a half years since we separated, fourteen months since he left, nearly three months divorced and still he is interested in my life!! Whereas I don't give a flying one what he gets up to!
It is obviously the full moon?? As they are so influenced by this does this mean they are something unatural? Evil? Yeah, I think I answered my own question there!
I've been documenting my role as my learning disabled son's primary (often sole) caregiver over the years. I compiled lists of specilaists, lists of activites that only I participated in, specific events where I was his educational advocate, etc - pages and pages of info provided to my attorney over the last 7 months.
Next I found wtinesses to affirm everything I had documented. They all agreed to testify without being subpeonaed.
Every time npd stbx wh made a bad parenting choice, I logged it, took a photos if I could and sent it to my attorney.
Even when she told me photos of the alcohol npd stbx was serving my 16 yr old would not carry any weight, I took photos anyway and gave them to her. The opposing lawyer did not object and my "useless" photos were entered in to evidence at hearing. Seeing color photos of a large bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey and an empty bottle of Crown Royal whiskey in a kid's bedroom night stand had a huge impact on the judge!
Document, document, document. In my experience, all npds are abusers. My domestic vilence counselor always reminds me "They will show themselves."
In court, my npd stbx wh BRAGGED to the judge about serving alcohol to his minor son because he believed it would keep the boy from driving drunk. What an idiot. The judge told him he was DEPLORABLE!
They key is to stay calm and document every instance of verbal abuse, every lie, every manipulation. Yes, it is exhausting and you'll probably annoy your attorney. Oh well. It took several months before my attorney really "got it" and believed me 100% because our experiences with npd spouses are incomprehensible to normal people. It took me three years to really understand this behavior - and it was my life for over 25 years.
Keep learning. Keep a journal. Write down even the smallest thing. Because of the trauma we tend to forget or supress the constant lies, berating, abuse since it is a daily battle for us. A journal will keep you centered on what is real and can be fantastic evidence in trial.
Be strong. The best is yet to come!
And, a VAR is also extremely handy for those unbelievable N outbursts, too!
Even if you don't have kids to protect, its important to journal and document to protect yourself. As Dis points out, it is difficult, for MANY reasons, for us and others to fully comprehend how disordered the Ns are and just how often they manipulate and torment us.
Recording their misbehavior is something that we need to do NOT to nurse anger or engender hatred (that would give them even more control) or to "feel sorry for ourselves," but simply to understand and remember what they are so that we can protect ourselves more effectively--and perhaps help others to protect themselves.
Since finding SI and my wonderful IC and coming to understand what Bizarro was, I can see that I was manipulated for that entire marriage. Why? I can't think of very much that I was manipulated into that I wouldn't have done if asked. But he preferred manipulation. Why? Because Bizarro is a narcissist and that's just how they are. Because if he ASKED me to do something or not do something, then he had to be grateful if I did it. If he manipulated me into doing it, then it was my choice, and he owed me nothing. Because if it was really his decision and he was wrong, then he would have to accept responsibility. He preferred to make me responsible for everything. It is horrifying and shaming to understand just how much I was manipulated. I am not a stupid person, but I trusted him. I knew something was wrong--I always knew that, but I didn't know what it was. I didn't understand that he was NOT wholly human. I see the same story over and over and over again. It is so hard to learn and accept what they are and what they do to us without a moment's remorse. WE feel mean for thinking that they are capable of doing what they do in every waking moment.
When you are dealing with an N, it is important to NEVER forget what they are. Their game changes, but they don't change. Writing down everything helps us to remember this when they start the manipulation again.
As for me I have one nasty flu/cold thing. Started off with a nasty nasty headache, yesterday stayed home from work felt truly horrible, achy etc. today I am "full" of cold, and laryngitis
Haven't head from X but then again feeling like utter crap makes me not care "who" calls me right about now.
Doc Dream's Rx:
Drink generic ginger ale
(contains REAL ginger which is good for strengthening the immune system), won ton soup (I swear its got magical curative powers!!), & even just a can of chicken broth with a dash of red pepper flakes to blast open your sinuses & lungs.
Drinking milk creates even more mucuous/phlegm.
And, BoB will bring you special Get Well Daddie cookies. =)
Hope you feel better soon!
[This message edited by dreamlife at 4:50 AM, January 28th (Monday)]
I am taking myself to the doctor this morning, my cough is producing a thick phlegm and it is green . I ache from head to foot, and my poor nose!!
Sigh, no work for me today, the only thing I am doing is getting my dog his meds, myself to the doctor, and then whatever I need from the pharmacy.
Oh and my neck is stiff and really sore...
Bob, can you Fedex me some of your cookies???
I wanted to say thank you to Discombobulated -- great posting and great reminders of what to do. I journal my little heart out (it's probably why I don't have time to post!)
I have officially filed for the D, and STBXN has been served Needless to say, he was *not* happy.
I guess the more interesting news from me is that last week, my STBXN's A was outed at his workplace. A family member of mine (I had told her my story), talked to some people that worked with STBXN and one person told STBXN's boss. I received an instant message from STBXN saying that I had "screwed us all." He was upset that because of my *accusations* about the A, he could lose his job.
I guess STBXN told some convincing lies, because as far as I know, he is still employed.
But I love the fact that it's *my* fault that he would have lost his job. Because *I* talked to my family members. Not because he had sex with a co-worker.
What a loser!
Anyway -- stay strong everyone!
[This message edited by jjct at 7:54 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]
My turn !!! My turn !!!
STBXPDW stated in her Affidavit for Temp Order Motion that I was "punishing" her for the breakup of the marriage.
We "make" them so miserable they have no alternative but to have an affair. It is our fault they cheat, our fault for breaking up the marriage and ruining their lives and the lives of any children.
Heck it is also my fault that my ex live 6 blocks awau and doesn't see the kids. He can't possibly take the kids because I am too much of a "bitch" and being around me even for a few seconds makes him too upset to come around to pick them up and drop them off from the street. Of course the divorce "I" caused also ruined his life for the last X years as well and has seriously harmed his whole life because I didn't give him everything in the divorce as well.
I am still waiting for him to blame me for the hole in ozone layer, world wars, those people who are dying around the world from hunger and disease but I am sure I am to blame for all that as well.
Bob She is insane. What did you do, take a big stick to her behind? God knows she needs it acting like a spoiled 2 year old.
I have a headache for the 3rd day in row. Not bad enough to put me in bed but enough to make thinking and do anything painful.
Hope you feel better Stungagain. Rest and fluids will likely make the most difference. Lots of times the doctors give antibiotics when your body will fight it off alone just as fast with some rest and a chance to do it's work. Make sure you grab some orange juice and vitamin C as well as the chicken soup. It can really help.
I agree with the latest posts, are you sure there isn't some manual out there that our N's mysterious all have copies of?
They are all so full of shit I could
I am not great,sick with the flu and bronchitis, just my luck. I am not working today, but I will go to my second job tonight as it is only for an hour and a bit, I think I can muster some strength for that, besides I need most of the money for rent. Just got caught up on January (paid it in full today YAY me). As well as my other bills, now to pay February's rent on Feb 1 did I tell you guys that I priced out insurance for my vehicle? I had my carrier back where I used to live send via email to me a copy of my history and the new carrier here is willing to give me a better rating which means a savings of $100 a year!!
Feeling a little frustrated on the IC front. Was supposed to see him tomorrow, he called and canceled, said something about an emergency staff meeting and if I could see him Thursday or Friday, but now I am sick with this bug and I am hoping that the antibiotics will have kicked in by them as I would really like to see him.
X has his hands full, I told him to pretty much not contact me until he is done with her and her business. Reason being she called here this morning saying that my number showed up on her phone WTF? I haven't talked to her since the day she called me 3 weeks ago. I will not gain anything by talking to her, and whatever X and she are squabbling about, whether it be the fine details about the mortgage etc., that is between them, I have been laying low and staying quiet. I hear she wants to know if X and I have been talking... well why would it matter if we have been since she is selling the farm to him, but apparently she told him that if he is talking to me "she will make his life a living hell" ummm sounds kinda threatening and psycho to me, and you know something IF he should lose that farm altogether, it will NOT be because he was talking to me. KWIM?
I told him that I am too sick to be worried about what is going on in her head. He on the other had went to IC 3 times last week and again this morning.
Ok back to our regularly scheduled programming.