Anyone else dated after divorcing a narcissist? I did and ended up in a long-term relationship with a man with another diagnosed personality disorder.
I am now in a long term relationship with a man I hold very dear to me. Heís a peach. Itís possible to find love, but I think it takes a LOT of personal introspection to be healthy enough to date someone healthy. Right after the divorce I fell in with someone who I loved very deeply, but that person was NOT healthy. Not for me and not for himself. Obviously, that relationship didnít work out.
I wonder sometimes if I have PTSD.
You probably do. I did. I think we all did in some way.
A year after that I was able to support myself *and* return to school with the help of student loans and the income I was making writing.
I only wrote for him one more time, about 9 months after we broke up and I was helping him launch the newest business. I left after a couple of months because he was still up to his old tricks.
Anything you do for an N, review. Can you do it for yourself too/instead? Will it make your life better? If so, start doing it for you too. Don't let them rob you of fulfilling your own potential. That's a cardinal lesson in the aftermath, once you get out and start redefining your life.
[This message edited by Threnody at 3:10 PM, January 9th (Wednesday)]
Thanks Lied and Sad for your comments on my recent situation. Your knowledge is very important to me as you show me that his behaviour is once again so "textbook". He is really going for the envy/she has ruined my life mode at the moment. Unfortuntaly it is still a bit too raw to laugh it off at the moment but I hope to be able to do that some time in the future. I still fear that he can harm me in some way. I guess it is difficult to re-adjust to things i.e. good things happening. I think I have to get my trust back in life in general.
Cerise - I can't imagine myself ever dating ever again. I don't ever see myself with anyone as I don't think I could ever trust anyone again. Part of me would love to have a fling at the moment, the other part of me says "no chance". My counsellor did say to wait about two years. I am thinking more like twenty! In terms of how you deal with your ex you have found something that works - stick with it!
jjct - I think it is very difficult to understand our own actions in these types of relationships as it is difficult to make any sense of the insanity. You just have to think that you were targeted because of who you are and these people are very very ill. When you realise this you need to stay away from them. Forever.
I think it is sad to find so many new people on here but it is a sanctury here. We are a good crowd!
I spent the day on the phone trying to find ways to help myself and my boys to get further down the road from Asshole...
Round and round and round.. GOOD Lord.. NO one knows which way to go, where to begin or what to tell me.
The "case" is complicated becasue of the existing custody agreement in place, the fact that previous noncommunicating PhD is still involved , and the overall mind controlling, classic NPD BS I have been put through over the last 6 months.
My Asperger's child is having difficulty at school, my PhD that I loved can no longer see him because Previous noncommunicating PhD is seeing him AGAIN and apparently not talking to my PhD either
Called Asshole last night... first time I have done so since NC was started. I asked for previous noncommunicating PhD's cell phone (which I know he has burned into his pea brain), "Uhm,,, I don't know it" " I don't know how to look up numbers on my phone".. Asked Asshole to call me back with the number, of course this did not happen.
Asshole calls to talk to the boys this morning.. I pick up the phone...asking did you get me PhD's cell phone number "I don't want to get involved,,, call the office number" I informed him that I had called the office number every week for the last 2 months with no response..Asshole: "I don't know what to tell you she is moving her office"... I mentioned, "She is treating our son... he is having trouble at school, I need to talk to her... and you don't know her cell phone number".. Asshole: "I didn't say that you take everything I say out of context... call the office number" Me.. "I know you know the number and you are telling me you do not want to get involved so you are not going to give it to me.. I appreicate your help"
I RECOREDED THE COVERSATION
So I call the child welfare worker let her know what was said her response "HE IS INVOLVED" ...
Of course there is nothing child welfare can do.. But at least I let them know.
Still no attorney willing to take on Asshole's power house attorney.
I am in a position of Wants vs. Needs right now.
Excuse me for a second but... Can the system be anymore fucked up then it is? "Yes, what your EX is doing is wrong" but we can't help you.. "Yes, what previous noncommunicating PhD is doing is unethical" but he can't help you. WTF where is the justice in justice where the fuck are all GOOD people who advocate for people in situations like mine? Do these people even exist or are they myths created to give us false hopes?
So I am laying there in bed last night wondering to myself, do I have my boys best interest at heart, would they be better off with Asshole.. I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.. I REALLY DON'T. So I am at a 50/50 point..let asshole have the boys knowing their every need will be met, especially my Asperger's child or do I continue to fight.. Do I have the strength to go on?.
but her actions and the symptoms speaks louder, im sad to be in this thread but seeing that im not alone to experience this horrible things to our WS and how you guys have progress to deal with it. by the way... we are seperated now, and i am planning to divorce her..
as for now.. me and my baby girl are happier that ever because we get rid of her toxic behavior.
I know what you mean though. It's so strange how they can be so envious and even jealous over US. And we're the one's they left because we were so terrible. It's so bizarre, but it also makes total sense in the NPD world. So strange.
Like you, I am worried that as soon as I put a 4-Sale sign out in front of my house, XNPDH will go crazy. He won't be able to stand it that I am selling HIS house. He will want to know how much I'm selling it for and and how much I got and what I did with the money. I can already see it happening.
I know. Don't borrow trouble. But I've been down this same road with this idiot so many times it's like I really do have a crystal ball. He's so damn predictable.
We'll see when spring comes. That's when I'm putting the sign out front.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
I was in the grocery store today and I had a long, complcated order because I had coupons etc. The person behind me was not happy at all. She followed me out into the parking lot and told me "you wasted 10 minutes of my life with you gorcery order"
I turned to her and said "It is only about you isn't it". Wow what a nutcase. Nothing stopped her from going to another lane or anything. I was getting good deal and it interfers with her time (which must be more valuable than mine).
Sorry I had to get that out. Back to your regularly scheduled programming.
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
I was like, WTF???
[This message edited by jjct at 7:33 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]
Squeeky wheel gets the grease.
ETA: I've instructed DDs that if STBXPDW is a no show anymore, to call the police and ask them to wake up STBXPDW.
Also, other BIL AKA: Perscription Painkiller, Alcohol and Employment Challanged was 30mins late picking up DD8 today as he didn't know where she was. At school you fucktard !!! Get your lazy ass out of your car and look for her. Another fine performance by STBXPDW and her FOO. Kid didn't know that there would be a change in pick-up scheduled by STBXPDW. It never fucking ends, does it?
[This message edited by bobelina at 10:10 PM, January 9th (Wednesday)]
Went to my IC this morning he said that I need to tread lightly and carefully and that right now I should NOT change anything till I can look STBX in the face and know I am detached from him and be ok with it. Right now, I can honestly say I don't feel detatched, I feel like I don't understand HOW I can miss this man who I know has done so much damage to me, how on earth bette yet WHY do I miss him, it has only been one day without talking to him and it feels like an eternity.
I keep debating about calling the local police and requesting extra drive bys thru my neighbourhood, but I feel foolish asking.
I am so confused this evening, I wonder if it is because of my IC, sometimes things come out after a session.
I did see my family doctor today who gave me something for my panic/anxiety attacks. I am hoping that will help with the lack of sleep as of late.
Tomorrow is my day off, and I am soo tempted to NOT go to group as it is an hour out of town, and just stay in and sleep and relax. I may just do that, I really need the rest and somehow help my mind rest too. My spirits are up and down all over the place, this is just me rambling.... sorry friends...
Is this a side effect of dealing with an NPDer?
[This message edited by bobelina at 11:27 PM, January 9th (Wednesday)]
What does it mean to be mean? It's cruelty -- deliberately sadistic or casually fashionable, laughing at people in pain. It's selfishness -- the ignorant me-firstism of narrow self-interest, pretending that no one gets hurt by your grasping for comfortable, insulated prosperity. And primordially it's spiritual stinginess -- having so small a conception of your own soul that you seek solace in comparisons with others you consider beneath you.
The opposite of "mean" isn't "nice" -- it's "charitable"
dreamlife: I'm drawing you some new wings, even as we speak..!
dragonfly: that's the most frustrating thing. You know and I know that they are the biggest turds on the planet, but the law doesn't know it yet. Take comfort in the fact that they will get it... and probably soon...
brenshay: aren't they all just sex gods and completely ignorant about boundaries??? and feelings??? Despite the fact that mine has had not one but TWO setdowns by people with boundaries over the past few months, I don't think he really gets it. The first was a really nice woman who is the sister of a friend of his. He called her on a SUNDAY and spoke with her for an hour (it was mostly business, but he managed to sneak in some personal convo as well). Needless to say, the SECOND time he called, her husband answered her cell phone. He was very nice, but it should have been a clear warning. Just this week, he was pretending to play family man -- by calling up someone that he had not spoken to in a while and offering them free stuff! They very quickly asked about the wife and kids. Has he learned anything from those encounters? Nope. He still doesn't get that you can't pretend to play family man while hitting on someone at the same time.
[This message edited by veritas at 11:36 PM, January 9th (Wednesday)]
Sad - I know you are not laughing at me!! My ex deserves your laughter!! I am just not at the point where I can laugh straight away when something happens - it takes a couple of days after each encounter before I can laugh!
Dream - I know what you mean about the wings but it is all about small steps at this stage in our lives. The strides will come later.
Have a good day everyone and avoid the npds in the world.