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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N.P.D. Thread Part V
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((longlost))) I just wanted to give you some hugs because you needed them. I just got my annual performance eval, and being in that particular hot seat always sucks for me, although it has gotten better since my boss has relaxed toward me. I was deemed practically perfect in every way -- except that I took off "too much" time to take care of my child. The time is mine to take like I want, and I have more than enough hours to cover it. I think her main issue is notice -- she likes at least 2 days notice, and the PT likes to fly on the seat of her pants. So I sent her an e-mail yesterday telling her about all of the personal appointments scheduled for the next month: what they are, times, how it relates to my schedule and the student aide schedule, and how much everyone else will have to put themselves out to accommodate me. She was very appreciative.

I think the moral of that long rambling was, talk to your boss, not about your dissatisfaction with her comments, but about how she came to those conclusions. You might be pleasantly surprised at how much may be solveable, or workable. That is IF she's not an N... or a total biatch. Don't go in there with assumptions or pre-conceived notions of your own. Just breathe deeply and be cool.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itsa and Disc: Sorry about the dreams. Mine are actually getting better -- I'm starting to detach in mine! My N was kissing someone in front of me, and I told him that he was pathetically grabbing for attention, and if he wanted to make me jealous, he'd have to do better than to swap spit with a sperm-burping gutter slut!

itsa: I am so glad that you are going to lay down your boundaries and fight for yourself! Good for you! Crossing my fingers for you...

disco: My N meter is on high as well, and N's really stick out like a sore thumb. I am surprised at how few of them there are, and at how irritated they make me. Like physically uncomfortable.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. I think a big problem for me is that I never ever stood up to him - the way I do with everyone else. He walked all over me and I let him so the kids would not suffer. I don't think I really saved them from much though.
I am nervous about doing this thing I am going to do - all it is is making him wait at the front door but for me it is a big step. I know it sounds pathetic but that is how low I have sunk regarding him. I will lock the door so he cannot open it and make him ring the bell. I will not let him in and I will tell him to wait in the car. This sounds pathetic as I write this but I have to put the boundries up because it is about protecting me now. I have to realise I have not divorced a normal person but someone with a personality disorder who knows no boundries. If I let him in my house he critises me and makes me feel insecure. I am not going to give him the power to do this anymore. We are divorced, he is not normal and I don't have to do anything for anyone else anymore. I love my kids but I am beginning to realise I was not helping them but letting him into my space because I was getting stressy beforehand. He is not normal and I cannot have a normal divorced relationship with him - I will repeat this until it goes in! Saying that I did not have a normal marriage with him so why on earth do I think the divorce would be normal???????????????

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its I had to do that with my ex because he would he horrible to me at times when I let him in the house. After standing up to him for a while he seemed to conform to the rules and started to treat me better most of the time. When he didn't I would come down on him again.

In my mind I tell myself that I am DONE being treated like crap by him. If I allow him to treat me poorly and not respect the boundries then the kids would not respect them either. I don't want my children to learn to treat people like that.

You can do this and you will be much better for it.

(((((HUGS)))))


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've had a terrible night with one horrid dream after another. Each time I slid into "sleep", another nightmare would ensue.
So I just decided to stay up & keep busy.
All this after a very fruitful IC hour yesterday, too.
Shooooooot!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Longlost
♀ Member
Member # 16177
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the hugs, Veritas. They are sorely needed. I'll keep your advice in mind. I don't have high hopes, though. I've been trying to do this for two years now. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to be more forceful. And if I don't see rapid improvement, I've got to get out of there. Life is just toooo short!

I'm sorry to hear about all the bad dreams so many of you are having. It does seem to be one of our common symptoms, doesn't it? After a night of doing battle, it's a real pleasure to wake up, but it can make for a very weary day.

(((tribe)))


Wisdom and pain are not mutually exclusive.
____________________________
Barn's burnt down--
Now I can see the moon.
--Mizuta Masahide

Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: West of Bizarro World
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, Ll, "Life is too short".

My son never even made it to his 19th birthday.

IC said all of our losses are cumulative...this could be the ramping up of my emotional state.

Thanks for the hugs. I really needed one!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately the dreams seem to be part of the NPD experience.

I remember waking up shaking, crying and terrified. The bed would be soaking wet from sweat and tears and the dreams were so vivid. He was always after me and physically attacking me.

They lasted for a long time. I finally talked with my Dr about them and he said that I was experiencing PTSD. He put me on an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety and they almost went away immediately.

Itsa,
When you say that you let him walk all over you and you tolerated it for the sake of the children, I can totally relate. You were doing what you thought was best.

For me, it almost seemed as though I had sacrificed myself, my values and my self worth in order to appease him. I was willing to do ANYTHING to make it work, to show him I loved him, to prove I cared, etc. In the end, it was all a cruel joke on me.

It was very difficult to swallow. I'll say again though, time has proved to be a wonderful healer.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 4:17 PM, February 12th (Tuesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Longlost
♀ Member
Member # 16177
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh for pete's sake. Never mind. It was just a cartoon, and it wasn't even all that funny! I'm too much of a dumbass to post it tonight!!

Oh, sweet redemption. Here it is!


[This message edited by Longlost at 8:10 PM, February 12th (Tuesday)]


Wisdom and pain are not mutually exclusive.
____________________________
Barn's burnt down--
Now I can see the moon.
--Mizuta Masahide

Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: West of Bizarro World
downfall
♀ Member
Member # 7430
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hehehehe good one LL!


Dday June 16 2005: Separated 2/06 Divorced 3/09

Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jun 2005
janedoe99
♀ Member
Member # 17083
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Tribe!

I'm trying to catch up on all the posts -- some of them have been very interesting! I'm sorry that I have been so busy to contribute -- I really miss posting here.

I just posted on the Divorce/Separation thread:
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=215487

I thought I would ask the same question here. I know BoB just went through mediation, and I will be going through the same thing soon.

I wanted to see if anyone had some advice about going to mediation with a manipulator (i.e. NPD). I am very worried that WH will schmooze the mediatior and WH try to be difficult in mediation. Knowing my STBXN, he will be charming and friendly and try to get the mediator to convince me to agree something I don't want to agree to.

I also read a recent book that says that in mediation, it's just the two parties and the mediatior -- is that true? I really would like to have my attorney present.

Anyway -- everything is relatively quiet with my STBXN -- which probably means trouble. I'm thinking that he will serve his divorce response to me tomorrow -- just as an emotional jab. If anything, he has been very predictable. If only I could get odds in Vegas -- I might be able to make some money out of it!

Hugs to everyone -- there's an lunar eclipse coming up in another week -- so the crazy-making NPD's will probably be out in full force!

JD


Me BW 36 Him WH/XH 32
DD - 4 y/o; DSS 11 y/o
M 4yrs/ Together 8
D-day#1/2 - Sept. 2007, Nov. 2007
Divorced 4/08

Posts: 156 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Florida
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Jane)))
Here's some stuff from around SI that may be of help. Within these posts are a lot of wonderful nuggets from Catwoman:

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=207371

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=207173&HL=16053

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=161389&HL=13283

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
janedoe99
♀ Member
Member # 17083
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, February 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Bob,

Thanks you SO much! Those threads were awesome!

You get a gold Heart today!

JD


Me BW 36 Him WH/XH 32
DD - 4 y/o; DSS 11 y/o
M 4yrs/ Together 8
D-day#1/2 - Sept. 2007, Nov. 2007
Divorced 4/08

Posts: 156 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Florida
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, February 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Jane)))
Your welcome.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
yewtree
♀ Member
Member # 16671
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, February 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't come to this page very often, because, well, I forget.

But, sadtoo, you just described me to a "T"

I will come here more often, you all are so wise...

sorry, editing because I hit the button mid-thought...

As for the dreaming... I have found that journaling and / or meditating before I go to sleep helps quiet some of that. Not always, sadly.

have a good night.

[This message edited by yewtree at 6:52 PM, February 14th (Thursday)]


Me(BS)45(at the time of D-day)

Divorced 2009, Closing on house Nov 2011 -
No longer waiting for the other "she" to drop.


Posts: 4561 | Registered: Oct 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, February 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got a lot of good info from this site today:

lovefraud.com


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, February 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by jjct at 8:10 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
yewtree
♀ Member
Member # 16671
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, February 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great minds think alike, right?

If I hear one ore love song, one more Valentine's commercial, read one more post about all the LUUUUUV the world feels today my head is going to fucking explode.

Love stinks. That's my song for the day. Sadly, them's all the words I know to it

Jeezus, the radio station has resorted to Buck Owens singing shit about his heart skipping a beat. Hardly the stuff to make me all gooey inside, you know what I mean?

Jeez, I'm rambling. I'm outta here. Hasta Manana. I can't wait to wake up and realize Vajayjay day is over.


Me(BS)45(at the time of D-day)

Divorced 2009, Closing on house Nov 2011 -
No longer waiting for the other "she" to drop.


Posts: 4561 | Registered: Oct 2007
discombobulated
♀ Member
Member # 6580
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, February 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, everyone, for your encouragement about the nightmares.

I was talking to a missionary at church today and learned something very cool about facing FEAR.

She served in Haiti - a very strange culture focused on voodoo and bizarre beliefs most Americans can't even conceptulaize. Her team spent a lot of time preparing missionaries to get ready to deal with major fear and very real danger.


She recommended a technique which is very similar to the coaching domestic violence advocates give for verbal abuse.

It took me over 20 years to realzie I had the choice to say "No" and "Stop" when abusive behavior was present. The first time I raised my hand in a police officer traffic style "no" - my NPD WH went nuts. How dare I raise my hand in his face and tell him to stop!

I was explaining my nightmares to my missionary friend and she immediately zeroed in on the spirit of fear. She told me (commanded me) in my dreams to stop running away. She told me to be conscious in the dream, to turn around and face the fear boldly. Wow - just like stoppping verbal and emotional abuse. Face it, hold your arm out, hand up and say, STOP.

I won't get into all the spiritual advice, but for me it is helpful to pray and read my Bible right before going to sleep. I have tools for facing the enemy now - even as a I sleep.

Wow. What a learning experince this ride is!

Happy valentine's Day, dear friends. May you all bask in the glow of friendship and feel God's love today.

Blessings,

katherine


BS - age 52- married 27 years, in IC, support groups
WH - age 57 - sex addict/porn addict, NPD
Children 2 boys, 19 & 16
D-day #1 2/2/05, D-day #2: 1/22/06
R 4/21/05, but that was another lie, just a game.
D-day #3 11/06
Divorce final may 09

Posts: 2151 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Florida
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, February 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Disc - it is interesting that you say these things about fear as my chinese doctor told me my body was full of fear. On Monday my counsellor also told me to explore exactly what it is I am frightened of - we identified it as my ex - and she has told me that before I can move on I have to tell him to f-off. Whether it is about the kids, home etc etc I need to have my voice heard and to tell him to go to hell. For so many years I had no voice and lived in fear - now I am trying to face up to my fear of him.
When he took the kids out on Wed I did not let him in the house. My daughter unlocked the door so he was in the hall but I blocked him with my body to stop him going any further into the house. He tried to get past me but I did not move! I also asked him for his maintainace - he replied with a load of rubbish but I asked!
Facing your fear after so many years is really hard. But it is meant to get easier after the first time.

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
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