This is how I would use the term, "projection": Imagine that you are a blank movie screen and the N is the projector. The film is whatever is going on in his/her inner world. No matter what the N says or how they behave toward you, they are projecting their inner world on you. They are not capable of paying attention to the real you, only to their inner world.
I use this as a distancing technique: I choose an all or nothing approach. In essence, nothing the abusive/honeyed N says is worth listening to. I have learned not to pay real attention even tho it looks like I am. I let the words fall into a mental abyss after they are said. I believe nothing. Not one word. I don't think that when they're fucking with your minds 24/7 that they deserve one moment of real attention. For they will take that moment and make you doubt. You have to harden your heart and the moment they have finished turn away and forget everything they said, whether abusive, or dripping with honey or reasonable. Their communication is non-communication.
Remember, you are a screen to project their fantasies on. Everyone is. The most important thing to ask yourself, IMO, is, do you want to remain a blank screen the rest of your life?
(I should add that, when I finally got wise, I still heard what they said, and it hurt, but then I let it drop away. I did not dwell on it. The hurt is momentary. Their waspish stings, over time, became little pricks.
jj will not make a joke here!
It was a happy day for me when I learned about projection - partly from my therapist and partly from reading about it in Sandy Hotchkiss's book "Why Is It Always About You? Saving Yourself from the Narcissists In Your Life" Very clear, concise book, no fancy psycho-jargon. She preferred to call it "shame-dumping", rather than projection.
oooo I like that!!!! jj
Because Ns have no internal mechanism to cope with feeling shame, they tend to unload it onto their nearest and dearest. They get somebody else to do their dirty work. And when the stink of shame permeates their psychological house of cards, they will fumigate with a vengence. It just helped me a lot to understand that little mental sleight of hand, and to NOT take on those feelings that weren't even mine in the first place.
Every time I figured out one of those subtle abuse techniques, it was very empowering to me - I knew what was going on and I knew I was in control of myself and I wasn't nutz. I learned how to maintain my psychological boundaries and not get sucked in to a lot of crazy N-games.
coffee's a little better today - heh!
[This message edited by jjct at 8:15 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]
And all of this happens because we find the courage and heart to face it all, with our entire being, and to follow wherever the discoveries lead us, with a determination to add something to the world. The "pull" of the disordered "angel" is replaced by the pull of something greater than ourselves, which is, ultimately, the pull of our own destiny.
What animal does your N remind you of?
What a week from hell I have had
Not only did OW TURN DOWN WH's offer to purchase the home back (she has decided she "likes it there" and that she gave up everythingto live here) bullshit, she made a choice is all she did! So he had been at my house for the week, he is gone now and just as he is gone out of town to work "thank you lord" I got an EVICTION notice!
not because of him, but for some other things, that are seriously N type related to my landlord. I am beginning to think I am surrounded by these people!
Landlord tells me I have till March 1 to get out, so no biggie, except I have NEVER been evicted from anything let alone thrown out of my own home, so I have experienced the humilation of both in less than a year!
According to my agreement, I can have company to stay but anything longer than a week, and Landlord has to be notified, well it turns out that WH was only here for a week . Then she got on the topic of my tires outside my front door (they are wrapped in plastic and I had no where else to put them!) she has seen them since winter began and NOW they are a problem?
. Then she got on me about my dog. Well I thought we had cleared that up in that she new that I had the dog but according to her he was to have been removed in November??? WTF?? So now I am feverishly trying to find a place to live, not easy in a place where the rental rate is low. But I have already booked a motel here in town, so if I have to stay for a few weeks, I can. Made sure I got a kitchenette too and I can have the dog too.
As for WH, I went to where he is working and spent the day and night talking to him. He is saying "that all of this is his fault blah blah blah." I said you are only responsible for YOUR contribution, but if you want to take on the whole world so be it.
I am finding my emotions are all over the map. Yesterday I was so angry, angry at him for causing all of this, to her for not selling the property back to him, to my life being turned upside down in a week, after JUST getting settled into being alone (I never realized how much I liked my own space!)
The words toxic and headache have come to mind since all of this has come down with WH.
I am going to be suing OW for my share of the property of the home, as I was living up to the time she moved in! Thing was I thought WH owned the property, not her! Bitch! and WH well he will either get the property back because the agreement would be null and void, or be charged with fraud. Either way I have first dibs on the whole shebang and she thinks she is sitting pretty!
Now I am at my place, went to work this morning (my boss is moving to another town and has offered me her clients! Well established home cleaning company, very good clients.) So I am going to take that on and quit the retail job then I will only have the janitorial at night and the daytime housecleaning job. Financially that will work out just fine.
My head is spinning, I have a horrid headache, I have to go to the janitorial job right now, and do a quite tidy up, then I may just come back to my place and veg. It is a statutory holiday out here today so nothing is open anyways, good reason to nap if you ask me
As for WH, he has asked me if we can R, I said I am all over the map right now, one minute I feel one way, the next minute I feel another. He said he understands completely.
I have been journalling offline, I wrote 4 pages of stuff last night, and that helped tremendously. I have a computer here at my home (I made my first of 8 payments for my new laptop)
So wish me luck, I will keep on keeping on, and will keep you all updated as well as staying updated on all of you.
Please forgive me for not doing personals right now, I just wanted to get this out and off my chest.
[This message edited by jjct at 8:16 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]
did she have any suggestions for 'left' headaches?
dream was sayin somethin back there about 'showtime' - uh huh
gettin REAL close...
[This message edited by jjct at 8:39 PM, February 18th (Monday)]
JJCT, you are funny, I want to know if there is an "all over" headache remover.
Itsa, that is so great to hear you had a good session with your counsellor. I have to make mine a priority, I have been putting my work as a priority and I am feeling so burnt out right now.
Today I made time for my chiropractor, let's just say he gave me shiat for not being there for almost 2 months! no wonder I have been in so much agony. I am seeing him again tomorrow to go over my orthotics.
Work wise, still busy then an owl caught in a snow storm But as soon as my boss confirms her leaving date and I take over her company, I will give notice to my retail job. I can hardly wait!!!
A friend today pronounceed her Truth to me today, stating as fact that I "must not be over him" because I call him and try to get cooperation with the children and visitation.
I came completely unwrapped. I keep forgetting that NPD stbx is not a human being. I keep wanting the father of my children to behave like a moral parent. It is incomprehensible to me that I spent over 25 years of my life with an amoral animal. The Stockholm syndrome symptoms are still in in operation in my head and I don't know when I'll ever be free despite a lot of psychological and spiritual work.
My N snake slithered off "secretly" to see his tax man today.
No matter what he does or says, he'll always be a snake &...A FREAK IN THE SHEETS.
Hmmmmm..... N-Snakes and slithering....
......So if other snakes say, "S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s....", then N-Snakes must say, "S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-i-n...".
[This message edited by bobelina at 6:52 AM, February 20th (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by bobelina at 6:06 PM, February 20th (Wednesday)]
Partly because my ex is pulling typical N shit and is now a week behind on CS, two months into the new arrangement <EYEROLL>. I guess the good news in when i *finally* got it out of him when I could expect it, I hung up on him when the fake tears and hard luck story started. I don't care WHY, I just want to know when I can expect the money.
But I really think what did me in was finding out Monday that another lady going through a divorce here at work recently found out her stbxh has had a girlfriend FOR TWO YEARS.
I was fine the rest of Monday, but Tuesday evening had a horrific dream in which my reallyreallygreatandnothinglikemyex boyfriend was dumping me without warning, forcing me to pack my shit up under supervision and being an ass while it was happening, not telling me why. I woke up shaking like a leaf.
<sigh> I guess PTSD doesn't end, it just tapers off gradually.
Reports say an earthquake was near you today. Are you OK?
(((NoC, CJ, LL)))
Where are you? How are you?
It's funny that STBXPDW claims she was controlled and manipulated by me/abused, yet these things keep happening to her.
According to my Ex, these things are STILL my fault.
I never knew I was so powerful.
BoB~ Yes, was quite *shook up* by the quake centered only 50 miles from my house.
Got an e-mail from N & he never once asked HOW I was...it was just ALL about HIM, as usual.
Watta snake SOB.
The faux guy I met & M would have been "concerned"...posh, like cj said, never was real, *man in the box* creep.