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User Topic: N.P.D. Thread Part V
Balancing Act
♀ Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God...please help me!

I will not ever be able to understand what game my NPDWH is playing.

I filed for divorce more than 2 weeks ago and I have gone NC except for finances/bills, etc.

Today he send me an e-mail saying that he has received notice that if we don't renew some season tickets by the end of the day today, that our seats would be released.

He then said, " Not sure whether you want to do anything with that, but thought I should let you know."

Is this just some stupid attempt to get me to see what I will be "giving up" by divorcing him? I could give a flying F^%K about those season tickets....

I guess I just had to vent - I hate that he keeps sending me shit like this....I guess he does it because he knows it gets to me - not that I'm giving up the season tickets, but that he still thinks I give a rat's ass what I'll have to give up as long as I can be free of him!

Thanks for listening - back to your regularly scheduled shows....


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Balancing,
If you don't really care about the tickets, let them go and forget it. If you do care and would like the opportunity to keep them, send the money in to renew them and keep the receipt. Turn it in to your attorney. These tickets will become part of the marital property, just like the house and everything else. Maybe you can work something out (with the lawyers, not your STBXH) where you can keep the tickets.

Again, if you don't care let them go and forget it.

If he's driving you crazy with these types of telephone calls, let his calls go to voice mail. Better yet, insist that he communicate only through email. That way you have a copy of the communication.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't worry (((BA))), I don't even have a TV!
heh-

How does he 'know'(it gets you)?
Yeah, ok...

I see you laughing inside, cause if he 'knows'...
wait...what does he know? - you couldn't give a rat's ass @ the seats? -

No. He doesn't know. He gives a rat's ass and cannot imagine
fathom
comprehend
you
(anyone!)
not giving a rat's ass.
Get it?
Use it.

Use it to get away from the clueless one....pretend you care!
That'll send him on a fare-thee-well chase, now won't it?

Maybe it'll get him out of your hair for awhile.

Another thing I like...
be boring.
Tough for you to do - yep, got it.
He'll turn away soon enough, seeking NS somewhere else, thank you Jesus!

Such wisdom here!
sadtoo?
u da bomb!

"You are afraid that he will remain that wonderful person YOU fell in love with forever with her. She is somehow magically more wonderful than you and she will keep them in the glorious state of bliss they are in now. You are afraid that he will never "flip" and show his ugly side to her.

He will, and he most likely has."

That is so damn beautiful!


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My nutcase is at it again.

He has moved I guess. He is demanding to see the kids and when I refused because I still don't have contact information (again - this is so old because he does this every time he moves) and because the children have an appointment with child Aid worker that night.

His reply:

Firstly, I think i am going to be having alot of issues with you about seeing the boys. I think your grip has to be lightened lied2. Stop being such a control freak about allowing the boys to see me. I am getting tired of your requests. I think you will need to explain to the boys what your intentions are, because i can not believe you this time. Time and time again you block my access due to your control issues. I think you do not want me to see the boys. Do you not tell the boys when they are doing things like appointment with cas? I asked for the night time on thursday not the daytime - and i heard nathan had a parent teacher night - you did not email me or phone me about it. There are no excuses about this unless you do not want me involved with the boys lives.

NPD nutcase

The reply I am working on:

Nutcase

You have made the choice to not be involved with the boys and have made it clear that I have to deal with all the problems they are having alone since I have sole custody. You also have told me that I may not give out you phone number to anyone you don't personally know so I have honoured that request. The only person I gave that information to is the CAS worker but I doubt that she has contacted you when I informed her that you didn't want you cell phone number given out.

You constantly do everything you can to prevent reasonable communication between us. Your refusal to inform me of things like your current address only continues to alienate the situation. Having accurate contact infomation for you is a requirement that the courts had to order you to provide during the divorce. I am sure they would continue to uphold that requirement and it is unreasonable for you to expect me to allow the children to go with you without that information. The CAS worker and I have discussed this requirement and she feels that it is completely reasonable to expect this information before I allow the boys to go with you. I do not understand why you expect to NOT provide this information. Not letting the boys and I have your current address is YOU being a control freak. What is the secret? What do you have to hide? Are you afraid that I might have the school send you information about the boys' progress?

I didn't inform you about the DAYTIME meeting the other day because it was rather improptu. You have made it clear on numberous occasions that the issues the boys have are my problem since I have sole custody. You have chosen to not take an active role in their lives but you suddenly feel that I should invite you to meetings? I am confused. Either you see the kids on a regular basis and make them a priority in your life or you continue as you have being around occasionally when it is convenent for you. I do not involve you at this point because you have shown me that my efforts to get more involved with your children's lives is a total waste of my time.

If you are so concerned about the situation why don't you arrange to meet the CAS worker on Thursday. I can provide you with her name and phone number so you can be involved.

Email me with your current address and land phone number and we can find some time for the boys to come and visit.

Lied2


Opinions? Changes?

I feel like just emailing him F-U but I know that is not in the boys best interest. I guess he is afraid I will try and talk to the finance and out some of his actions or whatever.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadtoo, you are exactly spot on about the fear. Intellectually, I know it but that underlying fear is there. It probably sounds vindictive but I have to admit I would love to see it flop. He could go remarry for a third time and have it work but just one other botched marriage. I keep feeling like it's a statement about me but it IS about him. I just have to keep repeating that.

And 32years, I'll keep repeating "same beast, same beast."

I feel a little more normal knowing I'm not the only one out of this for over 3 years that feels like I'll never be completely over it. It was most of my life and it was such a huge trauma. I feel so damaged like a home after a hurricane and like Threnrody said, I'm rebuilding brick by brick, little by little.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lied2, isn't the minimal reply you need to make simply that you need contact information before he can see the boys? I think you are trying to reason with someone who can't be reasoned with. By doing that you end up causing yourself anguish and are giving him negative narcissistic supply.

The real way to tell him FU is by giving him a very short and to the point response something like "I need contact information before you can see the boys." Period.

Lord knows I've wanted to let my ex NPD have a good piece of my mind but that would just playing into his hands. The only satisfaction for us that I can see is by returning complete indifference.

I think it's good to type it up and post it here but my respectful recommendation would be the short and to the point response. Good luck to you with this. They are maddening!

[This message edited by OutFromUnder at 9:39 PM, April 11th (Friday)]


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup. you are right Out. I emailed just the last line.

This crap is infuriating when I am deal with the kids struggling and all he can do is make things worst.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lied2, I think you did the right thing. Your last line was perfect. I definitely know the feeling to want to let them have it, and I have had to slap my hand numerous times to stop myself.

I just don't know how all of you with kids handle the NPD's. It must be incredibly difficult. You are very strong people. I'm not so sure I could do it.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to admit that with him I am a controlling bitch. I don't give him any wiggle room if I can help it. He hates it with a passion but there is not way to negotiate with him and come to a reasonable compromise. Heck I can't even have a normal conversation about the weather with him.

I have sole custody and that has helped alot. It means he has no control over the situation. The onlt thing he can do is hissy fit, see the boys when he follows the rules or not see them at all. I don't give in to his demands because I have learned that lesson well.

My kids are hard to deal with hecause they have special needs. Their father sees them infrequently because he has no interest in being a real parent. He is an occasional disney daddy and a poor one at that.

I don't think I am strong. 1/2 the time I am holding on by a thread. I am getting through it but it is difficult. I am just happy to be divorced. He was the straw that broke the camel.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lied2, "controlling bitch" is called setting boundaries. They can't be reasoned with or treated like rational adults. You are fortunate in that you do have sole custody so you can simply and plainly state how visitation will be. He does it and sees the kids or he doesn't.

I believe you when you say you can't even converse about the weather. My ex NPD jumped all over me for making an innocent comment pertaining to the weather. Disney Daddy? I used to say my ex lived in Disneyland. I know they have a disorder but it still never ceases to amaze me how similar they all are.

As for strength, let's think about this. You're a mom, you're taking care of the kids on your own, they have special needs, you have made it through a difficult divorce from a highly dysfunctional individual who cheated on you and you continue to have to deal with the NPD. You've gone to hell and back and are still here fighting the good fight.

You bet you feel like you're hanging on by a string. You've taken a bad beating but you're still up for the count. YOU are a STRONG lady! You'll realize it later when you look back at how much you went through and how hard these times were. Hang in there. It will get better.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Newbies,
Welcome to the (((Tribe))) of Lightbulbs and Toasters, AKA: The N-Survivors Club, AKA: The Club of and From Hell, AKA: The Island of Misfit Toys, AKA: The Clan of the Phoenixes Who Will Rise Again,

NPD Freaks are impossible. You are not the problem. They are impossible.

No Contact. No Contact. No Contact.

Should there be a need to communicate with the Disordered, keep it in a written form, non-accusatory (I know easier said then done), and brief.

No feelings. Just facts. No explanations. No justifing. No narcisstic supply.

Kinda like inputting data. Calculators don't have feelings or thought processes or intuition or deductive reasoning. Or consciences. LOL.

Just algorithms to process data. And yes the NPD Freaks do have very faulty data processing capabilities, but are you really communicating with them, or are you communicating with a future entity to whom you may be held accountable too? I'd say the later.

Besides, NPD Freaks are incapable of communication. LOL.

Write for their lawyer or whomever to read.

I'm so sorry, (((Lied))), that Dearest*Daddie*Dickwad (SI lingo for less than responsible male parent-parent being used losely and mostly only because of biology and genetics), is being a Fucktard*Asshat (SI lingo for very not nice personage).

May he forget where he lives and his home phone number (as the secret is so big), and find himself stranded on an isle of hungry fire ants.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They all live on the planet freak! You cannot use your own reasonable, rational way of thinking or behaving with these people because they are mad. They long to control your lives. The only thing that can be done is no contact. I have also given up trying to co-parent in a reasonable way and I am now beginning to make those boundries sooooooooo high that there is no way he can dent or damage them. It takes a long time to get to this place as you become programmed to accomodate their every need. My freak is this little turd of a man who turns up on a sunday to provide me with free babysitting. He is nothing more to me. What he is to the kids, I don't know! He is not even a disney-dad because don't you have a nice time in disney-land? He does not provide them with that!
Bob - Whilst I consider myself to be a phoneix rising from the ashes, it was one of my ex's favourite saying about himself! He truely did see himself as this phoneix who was wronged by the world! Freak!
A friend of mine whose mother has npd (a hideous story to say the least) said to her daughter that she was like a rolling stone that gathered no moss! Her daughter reminded her own mother that she was the moss! Fancy saying to your own daughter that she wasn't worthy enough and using such a ridiculous metaphor!
Did any one else have a partner who used such ridiculous metaphors to describe themselves!
I think everyone is doing such a great job in coping with such freaks and remaining relativly sane!

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
32years2day
♀ Member
Member # 14016
Default  Posted: 4:29 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itsa-had a wee giggle at your post there.

Rumples email password was.....wait for it"phoenix" 'cept he spelt in "fenix"..

Are they just not legends in their own minds lol

Little turd is a far more appropriate description for mine too--


The strong are sometimes wrong but the weak are never free.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: scotland
plant_flowers
♀ Member
Member # 18523
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, I swear I'm not making this up. My X's wisdom was to "diversify your sources of happiness." Gulp, there, I wrote it. See, NPDs don't *always* lie. Sometimes they talk the plain truth and we just don't listen carefully enough.

[This message edited by plant_flowers at 7:09 AM, April 12th (Saturday)]


DD: December 31, 2007

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Germany
Balancing Act
♀ Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lied and outfromunder...

Thanks for those posts. It helps me to remember not to let any emotions get in the way of the messages I send to my NPDWH. I have been very short, succinct and to the point with every communication we've had. I only answer about every 3rd email he sends and then only to provide the pertinent information - ZERO emotion, NO trying to reason with him on any level.

It helps me so much to come here and read real-life examples of "how to divorce the NPDWH"


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
Balancing Act
♀ Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct...thanks, man!!

you're right...HE is the one who cares about the seats and he think I should also care. These were season tickets we got a few years ago for something *I* enjoy, so I think he's trying to show how wonderful he was/is by reminding me that this was something he did *FOR ME* and i should appreciate it.

"Oh, gee, you had an affair, but aren't you a generous, wonderful person for getting these season tickets for us. Gee, guess I shouldn't divorce your lying ass after all..."

riiiiiiiiiiiight....

I did not respond AT ALL to the note....


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lied2,
Instead of addressing any of his NPD gibberish, just ignore it.

If I were you I would write back and simply say:

Dear Asswhat,
I will not even have a discussion with you about having visitation with the boys until you provide your current address and telephone number. Please let me know when you decide to do that. After you do that, I will be happy to discuss you seeing the boys.

Thank you for your cooperation.

----------------------------

I would leave it at that. Short and simple. I wouldn't even address his NPD crap. He's SO TYPICAL. His language is just like every other NPD, "You, you, you, you, you.... It's all your fault, you are horrible....blah, blah, blah...."

You can defend yourself all day long until the cows come home and he will NEVER stop with the personal attacks and the blaming. NEVER. Every time you try to defend yourself or address one thing he says, this continues HIS dialog.

You have total control by stopping the cycle. Don't allow him to bait you any longer. He knows what buttons to push to get you going.

Become UNBAITALBE!! You can do it!!

By the way, he is such an ASS!!!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lied2,
I just read the rest of the thread.

You did great!!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OutFromUnder,
No, you're certainly not the only one who has had a hard time getting over something like NPD devestation.

It's total destruction of your life. I've never experienced anything like it and still to this day, have never been able to accurately describe it to anyone without sounding as if I am completely exagerating the entire story.

It really is like Thren says, building back your life brick by brick.

I don't think you are vindictive at all to want to see his relationship flop. I think this is totally normal. I feel the same way about my XNPDH's relationship/marriage (whatever it is)

On the one hand, I couldn't care less. But after what he put me through, I'd LOVE to see it fall apart.

He blamed me for everything. It was my fault he had his affairs, blah, blah, blah.

His smear campaign against me and reason/excuses for cheating:
I was lazy, crazy, had a hidden mental illness that my family kept from him, I abused him, I was a drug addict and an alcoholic, I tricked him into marrying me, I married him for his money.
-----------------------------
These things were all complete total lies, but to the people (mostly his family) who DID believe it, he aquired the following:

1. Sympathy
2. Support
3. Money to help him
4. An angry mob mentality toward me.
5. Justification for what he had done.

So, instead of being faced with "just getting a divorce" (which is painful enough, especially if it involves infidelity) you are forced to deal with a maniac who is hell bent on destroying you and what is left of your life.

You find yourself in a lower place than you have ever been. And when even the lowest form of human life would just walk away satisfied with his defeat, this is when the NPD really kicks into gear and starts his attack. You are literally ripped to bloody shreads of flesh and soul.

The NPD has somehow convinced himself AND his supporters that YOU deserved this, even though it is HE who lied, cheated, abused and destroyed the marriage.

Usually the cheating partner is right there cheering him on, supporting him and feeling sorry for the way his "horrible wife" treated him.

Given what you've been through, I think it's totally normal to hope that she gets her just reward. But like I've said before. She's got him. Remember how short lived "wonderful" was with him? You spent the rest of your relationship trying to get back to "wonderful." It is the same for her. She's getting hers.

Yup. I definately understand why it takes so long to get over this shit.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Bob, I like your calculator analogy. I believe I will think of mine as a short-circuited one that is capable of throwing out sparks as well.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
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