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User Topic: N.P.D. Thread Part V
lied2
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Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nutcase called this morning and told the oldest son that it was going to be a long time before they can see him. All this because I expect his address and phone number. He does admit to having a land phone number as well.

I regret not having this stated in the divorce papers. It had to be ordered during the divorce because he did this kind of crap sll through the separation as well. Who would have thought he would pull such a stunt over and over. The kids know what is going on and think it is stupid. Atleast they are not blaming me.

I bet his fiance has no idea what is going on. Oh it would be such fun to let her in on the fact that her address is a huge secret. I can only imagine what kind of stories he is feeding her.

Everday I think God I am divorced from him.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
nascentstarr
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Member # 18615
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My X was not a full blown NPD when we were married, but she likely will be someday (if she isn't already). N tend to get worse over time, and my X was no exception to the rule. When I first learned of narcissism, it was like a slap in the face and it really shook me up. However, I hoped that because my X did not exhibit certain N tendencies (however few they were), that she was not a N. Some of my observations that led me to discount the likelihood that she was N:

1. She was not a liar when I first met her (I am 100% certain of this). She also HATED liars. So I was shocked when she began to start lieing- slowly at first, and increasing in scope over time. Worse was that she justified her lieing yet condemned anyone else's. Even so, I can't say honestly that I could have called her a 'liar' when we D-- and most certainly not to the degree that most N appear to be.

2. I observed that my X sometimes DID exhibit empathy, compassion, or guilt. Although I knew that she had a problem w/ empathy and compassion, at times she appeared to be overly empathetic, or feel TOO MUCH guilty in situations that didn't warrant it (read: she felt really bad/ appeared to feel really bad about doing something that wasn't correspondingly 'wrong' or 'bad') This was disconcerting to me, especially when you consider that she could do terrible things to me, or others, and not feel bad about them at all. Over time I've come to realize that these strange displays of inordinate emotion were partially/mostly feigned in order to generate NS, or out of fear for an authority figure, or for image reasons, etc etc.

3. She was capable of love. This is something that I've never doubted, even now. I have no explanation of this except that I don't believe that my X(at least at the time of my D) was a lost soul that was beyond reproach- YET.

Back to the rare glimpses of emotion that she exhibited- the strange thing is that I am certain that she sincerely believed that she felt these emotions. This is the tragedy that I have noticed with so many N, although they are subtly manipulating, cunning, disingenuous, controlling, and interpersonally exploitive, they have absolutely NO IDEA that they are ANY these things.

Which brings us to the reason that most of us fell for them in the first place and/or stuck around as long as we did:
Up to a certain 'tipping point', N have very little malice and/or evil intent, at least in the traditional sense. They don't deliberately wreak havok on other people's lives because they enjoy it, nor are they 'out to get you', they do it to get what they want or defend what they want people to see- but they are ignorant to their motivations, they are strangers to themselves. The rudder that steers the ship of exploitation is a sense of entitlement based on the flimsiest of evidence, such that it requires the nearly constant reinforcement of deeply imbedded defense mechanisms like projection, repression, and obfuscation.
These people are so uniquely screwed up, so pathologically clueless of the degree of seperation that exists between their delusions and what actually is , that we were never 'fooled' to begin with.

This is a poker analogy: any experienced player knows that when he/she is trying to read a beginner or extremely bad player, the best that one can hope for is to determine if the player likes his or her hand, or doesn't like it. Since the beginner/bad player sucks so bad, they are not capable of determining the value of the hand for themselves. So a common occurance is to make the proper read, but the wrong play when the beginner/bad player mistakenly believes a lousy hand is a monster, or vica versa.

And this is how it is with the N. The person that falls for the N got the intent right, but made the wrong play... well, we sort of got the intent right- because these people just act, they don't consider or reflect. They don't have bad intent, they just have NO intent, and that's what we saw (or didn't see) along with uniquely seductive and charming behaviour that we found flattering and exciting.

Back to the N: there is very little hope of recovery for anyone that starts down this road. Their lack of capacity for self reflection means that they will do worse and worse things over time, ergo they will require ever greater methods of repression and other harmful defense mechanisms to suppress the truth. Unless and until something earth shattering happens to crack the foundation of their delusions, a predictable devolution of character is assured.
But eventually these defense mechaninsms are challenged, and this is the moment of truth when these people have no choice but to A: change, or B: continue down the same path, but with one important difference: they are now and forever will be insincere. This is where I believe that the potential N becomes the clinical, full blown N. Once the person becomes this (I'll call them FBN for full blown N), they become something completely different than they were. Before, they were bad people that were actually sincere of heart, but now they have made the choice to abandon their sincerety in exchange for avoiding painful reality (or avoiding the repercussions of facing reality).

Once these people cross this bridge, I believe all hope is lost. These people are soulless, irrideemable and pathetic. As opposed to the nascent N, the FBN finds it more and more difficult to to secure NS. No one will have anything to do with them! And those that do tend to be very damaged people, people that don't have much NS to offer anyway. The FBN tends to lose their ability to manipulate others through charm or charisma as more and more people see them as a joke. They become parriahs- avoided by most, laughed at by all, detested by those that bother to give them any thought. The joke is now on them, but it isn't even a funny joke-- it's more a pitiful joke. Those that die alone, angry and indignant, have wasted their lives in exchange for a lie.


Posts: 100 | Registered: Mar 2008
lied2
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Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nascentstarr those ideas are very interesting. I agree with most of it. I am not sure I totally understand what you meant by this statement.


These people are so uniquely screwed up, so pathologically clueless of the degree of seperation that exists between their delusions and what actually is , that we were never 'fooled' to begin with.

I bet all is going to break loose now. My oldest decided to send a message to the fiance asking her why his father is refusing to give them the address. Atleast this might clue her in to the fact that he is playing games with his children. I can only imagine what kind of story he will come up with as an excuse.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
cjonesjag
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Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


These people are so uniquely screwed up, so pathologically clueless of the degree of seperation that exists between their delusions and what actually is , that we were never 'fooled' to begin with.

lied2... I won't proclaim to know what nstarr meant, but what *I* read it to mean was that N's don't actually deliberately set out to FOOL others, they sincerely beleive their own delusions. At least that is what I have found to be true with my WTF.

He is completely incapable of seeing "what really is."


nstarr...

Their lack of capacity for self reflection means that they will do worse and worse things over time, ergo they will require ever greater methods of repression and other harmful defense mechanisms to suppress the truth
This is so very true.



Me (BS):50
Him(WTFH):51 Married: 05/26/2002
DD#1: 09/2005 (EA) DD#2: 09/2006
Mini-DDays: Many. Mostly online
DIVORCED 10/20/10
It's not what you've got, it's what you give.
It ain't the life you choose, it's the life you live

Posts: 6400 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Michigan
nascentstarr
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Member # 18615
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lied-

A lot of people that have ended up in a relationship with N express shock that they could have misjudged someone to such a large degree. For myself, I have always considered myself a good judge of character, so I was just as surprised at judgement as the next person. What I meant, is that N actually believe that their intentions are noble, they are a good person, etc... and this is what we see.
The N is such a stranger to even himself/herself that they sincerely believe they are good. The people that fall for them, I believe, pick up on this 'sincerety' (if you can call it that). We were fooled as to their character, but not what they themselves believed were their intentions. Weird, huh?


Posts: 100 | Registered: Mar 2008
nascentstarr
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Member # 18615
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lied-

A lot of people that have ended up in a relationship with N express shock that they could have misjudged someone to such a large degree. For myself, I have always considered myself a good judge of character, so I was just as surprised at judgement as the next person. What I meant, is that N actually believe that their intentions are noble, they are a good person, etc... and this is what we see.
The N is such a stranger to even himself/herself that they sincerely believe they are good. The people that fall for them, I believe, pick up on this 'sincerety' (if you can call it that). We were fooled as to their character, but not what they themselves believed were their intentions. Weird, huh?


Posts: 100 | Registered: Mar 2008
bobelina
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Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((nascentstarr)))
Welcome to the (((Tribe))) of Lightbulbs and Toasters, AKA: The N-Survivors Club, AKA: The Club of and From Hell, AKA: The Island of Misfit Toys, AKA: The Clan of the Phoenixes Who Will Rise Again,

Wow. That was heavy duty. It goes in the archives for sure.

Wow. In a good way !!!

(((Lied))),
Lets all make some popcorn and watch how "Nutcase" weasels out of this one. LOL.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
nascentstarr
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Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My X wasn't the only N that I've known, nor was she the most severe. I've known 2 others, 1 of them I knew very well,(she used to work for me). The following are some of my observations about N:

N are boring.
N have bad memories.
N are very difficult to get to know.
N are contradictory. At times they will contradict themselves from hour to hour, minute to minute, and even second to second.
N get confused very easily.
N have difficulty understanding humor.
N are copycats.
N are hypocritical.
N don't hold grudges beyond a short time.
N are cheap.
N are possesive.
N are passive.
N are neat.
N are punctual.
N are sneaky.
N are suck-ups to authority, or anyone they fear.
N are fearful.
N are cricical.
N are opportunistic.
N are ruthless.
N are shallow.
N are cruel, sometimes even sadistic.
N are lonely.
N are unoriginal.
N are indecisive.
N are poor reasoners and poor thinkers. They don't understand concepts like cause and effect, reading between the lines, the 'spirit' of an agreement, etc.
N are contemptuous, especially toward those in which they perceive weakness.
N are takers.
N are unopinionated.
N are tattletales.
N are envious.
N are demanding.
N are self-entitled.
N have trouble focusing.
N are unreasonably suspicious.
N are impulsive.
N are naive.
N change their mind easily.
N are secretive.



Posts: 100 | Registered: Mar 2008
lied2
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Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the list other than:

N don't hold grudges beyond a short time. (mine held grudges for a long time but conveniently forgot all the horrible things he would do)
N are neat. (he is pig and a packrat. He is only neat if he can get supply from it. other wise he expects others to clean up after him)
N are punctual (he is too forgetful. He is lucky to remember the appointment and to show up at all. The only time he is punctual is if he has something to gain from it, otherwise he is late if he shows at all)

Bob the popcorn is popped and I am just waiting for the crash. . My son insisited on it. They are pissed about everything I don't blame them for wanting him to have some explaining to do. It will be fun since I had nothing to do with it.

[This message edited by lied2 at 12:19 AM, April 13th (Sunday)]


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
32years2day
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Default  Posted: 4:05 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nascentstarr-a great big welcome to you and thanks for your thoughts.

One of my biggest problems with this NPD crap is what it says about me-I HAVE to be the most stupid MF in the world to have put up with this for so long.

But on reading what you said about the build-up and "the crossing of the bridge" I found myself sitting here nodding in agreement and getting some comfort from that-so more thanks for that.

In Rumplestiltskins case I know that him drinking again after 10 years dry and me making it VERY clear I was not prepared to live with that was that very bridge.How dare I question his choices!

I'dlike to add a couple of things to your list if I may.
N are Martyrs
N are likely to be addicts.

In my case he was also a lousy parent,leaving it all to me but is reapjng his own rewards now with none of his children wanting anything to do with him---so yes lonely.

The saddest thing of all is that I still worry about him even if I know I could NEVER live with him again.


The strong are sometimes wrong but the weak are never free.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: scotland
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure part of the confusion is that there is no understanding of such emptiness and cruelty...
Doesn't mean we quit trying, either,
LOL!
My pet gets a "high B" I suppose, on nascent's checklist - 5 out of the 39 things listed are "nope", they are:
- N are boring.
I don't know if you should be thankful that your N is boring, though. The adrenaline-factor was extremely high in my pet. Makes it tougher, I think - maybe? Yeah, I think boring would be easier to "let go", seein's how getting adrenaline can be addictive.

- N have difficulty understanding humor.
Uhhh, some of the hardest hurt for me is remembering how much we laughed -now, it may be that she mirrored me effectively (she used to mention how she'd "study" in order to talk with me) and, she does have not only a very juvenile sense of humor (in unguarded moments - blech!), but she also has a poorly controlled edge of cruelty to it as well. So that would be another thing for me to 'watch for' in future dealings with N's.

- N don't hold grudges beyond a short time.
ooooo - a definite, capital NOPE for this one.

- N are punctual.
NOPE again, & nope, I won't even get started too!

- N are unopinionated.
Only in the sense that their brains can't hold any other opinion besides; "I am a God"
otherwise, mine was hypercritical of all other humans. In fact, the only sentient being she felt true affection for was her dog.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
cjonesjag
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Member # 10617
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lied2..I had the same discrepancies!

I agree with the list other than:
N don't hold grudges beyond a short time. (mine held grudges for a long time but conveniently forgot all the horrible things he would do)

My WTFH recently stated "You screamed at me on the way home from <DD's> hockey game!"..... *Get this* ....she played hockey SIX YEARS AGO. I don't even remember what the *issue* was! OMG ~ he can hold grudges like its his JOB.

I agree with the list other than:
N are neat. (he is pig and a packrat. He is only neat if he can get supply from it. other wise he expects others to clean up after him)

WTF is the BIGGEST packrat EVER! He places *high value* on material things, and quantity is job #1. The more "toys" he has, the more "value" he has (in his mind). It doesn't matter that everyone on the planet looks at him like he's a freak. He's got about 30 of those large plastic totes packed with *stuff* in the garage. *Stuff* like DVD's, video games, CD's, junk, more junk, and even more junk. NOTHING that is sentimental or means anything ~ most of the movies and cd's are unopened! He's got a set of Ping golfclubs in the office and he *doesn't golf*!!! OMG ~ the packrattedness ~ its maddening! The purchasing to fill the void! The purchasing to show the world "How much I have"...OMG, its truly pathetic!

I agree with the list other than:
N are punctual (he is too forgetful. He is lucky to remember the appointment and to show up at all. The only time he is punctual is if he has something to gain from it, otherwise he is late if he shows at all)

Same here. WTF forgot about his daughters' wedding (she was adopted as a baby by the mothers husband and WTF had just recently reunited with her). Yeah, he *forgot* about her wedding (out of state, but still). He didn't even TELL *me* about it. However, his daughter lost ALL respect for him when he blamed *me* for his forgetfulness. He actually thought it was a <good idea> to blame ME for the fact that he forgot his daughters' wedding! The only thing he is EVER punctual for is his JOB. I'm certain that this is where he gets most of his NS. He leaves the house by 5:00am and returns at 4:30pm, with an approximate 30 min commute. He gets paid for 8 hours (do the math ). And he's been doing this for at LEAST two or three years. He may or may not have a "work wife" (moot point), but more *important* ~ he is the FIRST ONE in the office every morning. THAT is his claim to fame. The 'things' he finds *important* are baffling. I've told him many times that NOBODY has "Here lies N, he was a great worker" on their grave stone.


Me (BS):50
Him(WTFH):51 Married: 05/26/2002
DD#1: 09/2005 (EA) DD#2: 09/2006
Mini-DDays: Many. Mostly online
DIVORCED 10/20/10
It's not what you've got, it's what you give.
It ain't the life you choose, it's the life you live

Posts: 6400 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Michigan
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But old N's don't die -

they just 'fraid away...


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
OutFromUnder
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Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NPD's can seem to be both ways for some of these N Items. For example, take "doesn't hold grudges." Yes and No. I can see how it would appear to some that they don't hold grudges. They will rage and be very angry at someone and then suddenly seem to drop the anger and be friendly again. It can be mind boggling. Why? Because they NEED something. There's a payoff there somewhere.

Punctuality. Mine was always late but if it was important for an image he wanted to project, he could be on time, which was really upsetting to me. I think it depends. If there is a payoff to being punctual, they'll do it.

Mine was a packrat too but I've known N's who were obsessively neat as part of their image and to use it to mercilessly badger the other members of the household. Come to think of it, my packrat ex and times would get after ME about how the dishes were arranged in the cupboards.

Humor--mine was very humorous but in the way a child would be. He couldn't understand more subtle or dry humor. I met him young and as I matured, I became "bored" with this. When you first meet up with them, they aren't boring; but once you've got them, they can become very boring. Mine was boring me to tears at the end but yet accusing me of having no passion. Ooh, we should start a projection list.

Since they aren't people of substance and they must mirror and imitate and they change like a chameleon all to get the Supply, they can be very contradictory people and keep one's head spinnng wondering just who they are.

And I suppose some of these items depend on what type of narcissist they are.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
bobelina
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Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe/Clan)))

This is an awesome discussion.

I would think for a (((Newbie))) this would be so helpful to make heads and tails of the "chaos" that is N.

You guys/gals ROCK !!!!!!!! Woo Hoo !!!!!!!!!!!!

BoB

ETA: Cause I'm Lame with spelling and stuff.

[This message edited by bobelina at 9:31 AM, April 13th (Sunday)]


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
OutFromUnder
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Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

32Years, wondering why you put up with it so long is the same issue I'm having. I am having a real struggle trying to salvage some self-esteem out of all of this. I try to find something to hang on to and say, ok, maybe you did this wrong but you did this right. Maybe you wimped out on this but you were strong here.

Some days I feel like just throwing in the towel and saying, "Ok, you are not who you thought you were at all, and you are just the stupidest and weakest person on earth ever. Acknowledge it and try to change."

And then, when I'm angry and hoping he gets his and thinking about the new wife, I'll find myself asking what kind of a person would marry a person like him. She has to be a loser. And then of course, I've just pointed the finger back at myself. I can't even get satisfaction out of what a loser the other woman must be!

It's just devastating and it's like a death struggle over what little healthy sense of self I might have left.

The fallout from these long-term marriages to the NPD's are so destructive to one's character.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
bobelina
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Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe)))

We stayed cause we are not like them. We have faith. We believe. We focus on the good. We do not control, manipulate, gaslight, etc.

We plain and simply got had. Those qualities that make us the non-Ns that we are, were used against us by the N. We've done nothing wrong by being a "good" person. We were simply taken advantage of.

Now, some stuff about the N:
It seems that the N did "love" us in the beginning.

We were all that and a bag of chips to them.

They were better behaved in the beginning.

But,

They are Disordered.

There version of reality is skewered.

The joy, the happiness, etc. that we brought to the relationship, is/was not based on wishful thinking, magic, or magical thinking, etc. It was/is based on action, in words, deeds, and thoughts.

Skreecccccchhhhhhhhhhh.....

Oooopppppsssssssssssss.......

The Disordered cannot do that. It's all about them. Selfish? Yes. But it's more about how they see the world as adversarial.

They eventually tear us down, as they realize that the "magic" we bring to the relationship is born out of love and caring. That does not compute for an N. They see that as weekness. That starts to challange their version of reality, the whole magical thinking thing. It flies flat out face first into the grandiosity of "special".

What do you mean that anybody can have magic if you know the tricks? What do you mean anyone can walk on water if they know where the rocks are?

The N freaks. They turn against you, slowly, subtely.

That which you are, all those good qualities, they start to realize that you worked for those, you changed your actions so as to be like that.

Again that flies in the face of thier magical thinking. They feel insulted, etc.

So, you did nothing wrong by being the best human you could be. They are damaged. They can't handle reality.

So, everything on that list is correct, given the circumstance. All Ns persona, actions, etc. are all based on circumstance not who they are. It is about supply. What will provide the supply? And yes, they are not aware of these processes. They can't be. They are Ns.

So in a way, we can feel some compassion for the unfortunate fact that thier minds are so messed up and deluded.

But.....

If you remain in contact with them, they will hurt you. They aren't playing with them same deck as you. They insist you play with thier deck and thier deck will always be stacked against you. It is what it is.

Are they evil? Well yes. And know.

More accurately, they are oblivious to the causes and effects of thier behaviours (and reality in general). They have no freakin' clue that they are evil. And as such, they can not fathom the fact that they are evil. It really is sad.

They are very damaged. SO sad. And we fell for them cause we can see potential, and because we were used against ourselves. But, again, just remember that they are clueless. Really. They are fucking clueless.

Stay away from them. Let it go. There is no answers from and about them. They do not know themselves. They identify with the image. It's kinda like trying to build a life or have a conversation with a character that an actor is playing. It's not real. It's improvised. There is no script. Let it go. You have a life to get back too. And you are really KEWL !!!!!

That is my pile of thoughts for the moment. Hope it helps.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
Balancing Act
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Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

some of the things on that list that stand out for me are the

Punctuality - He's NEVER been on time and I could write volumes about how he has kept me waiting on him...I guess he gets off on that...will say that we will go out to eat in "30 minutes" and 2 hours later, he's rushing around to finish something up so that he can walk out the door - or will not have even BEGUN to start doing what needs to be done to walk out the door. It got to be infuriating. I once waited for him to come home for 5 DAYS!!! he said he'd be home on Monday, and then every day something would come up that would require him to stay at the apartment because he could not spare the 1.5 hours to drive home - as promised.

Pack Rat - he will NOT throw his trash away...he wants me to treat his personal items (clothing, etc) with kid gloves, but he cannot be bothered to clean up his workspace of papers and folders that are months, if not YEARS old...

Holding Grudges: This man can hold a grudge forEVER....

I'm sure he'll be holding one against me for ruining HIS life by divorcing him...guess he should have thought of that before he had an affair, huh?


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
OutFromUnder
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Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob, you make me feel better. I laughed when I read your skreech oops. And anyone can walk on water when they know where the rocks are, how true!

You also made something click for me. I implemented strict No Contact from the beginning. We have no kids so it is much easier. I hate to admit that it was gnawing at me that mine didn't keep contacting me like other people's NPD's. I was thinking I must be the lowliest "victim" of all if I wasn't even worth badgering to get that extra NPD supply.

He contacted me a few times wanting sympathy for some trouble he brought on himself in e-mail. I completely ignored it and answered only the business items in as few words as possible sticking only to the business at hand. He left me a voice message once. I ignored it.

Well, duh!!!! The No Contact Rule works, which is why I did it in the first place.

My brain has had this dumb disconnect. Even when I get to him, I set myself up to let him get back at me.

This danged NPD programming is hard to shake. It's like there are two people in my head. The intellectual one who gets it and understands it and the little programmed emotional one that keeps sending me these little self doubt messages.

[This message edited by OutFromUnder at 10:42 AM, April 13th (Sunday)]


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
cjonesjag
♀ Member
Member # 10617
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to admit that it was gnawing at me that mine didn't keep contacting me like other people's NPD's. I was thinking I must be the lowliest "victim" of all if I wasn't even worth badgering to get that extra NPD supply.

OFU..I have felt this way too.

Technically, he *deleted* me from his life a long time ago, although completely failing to notify me of this action.

While some of the more sociopathic N's turn violent, angry, stalkerish and out to make the 'offending party' PAY for leaving them, I can honestly say I wouldn't want THAT either. While hoping for something in the middle ~ maybe he could've ACTED like I mattered? ~ I realized that there IS no *normal* in this lifestyle.

I was absolutely *deleted*, shortly after being knocked off the pedastal.

I know how you feel though, as if we never mattered at all...


Me (BS):50
Him(WTFH):51 Married: 05/26/2002
DD#1: 09/2005 (EA) DD#2: 09/2006
Mini-DDays: Many. Mostly online
DIVORCED 10/20/10
It's not what you've got, it's what you give.
It ain't the life you choose, it's the life you live

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