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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N.P.D. Thread Part V
Cerise
♀ Member
Member # 16053
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by Cerise at 12:36 PM, April 14th (Monday)]


Posts: 1691 | Registered: Sep 2007
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

True NPDs are bullies at heart--they can fold like a house of cards once they realize that they don't have a leg to stand on.

I have taken my NPD (diagnosed) ex back to court twice. Each time, he paid up before the court date. I believe the turning point was that his attorney told him that he wouldn't represent him any longer and that he wouldn't go to court with him if he let it continue.

Part of dealing with the NPD ex is not getting engaged with them. Just act legally. File contempt motions and have him served. Have him show the court why alimony is optional.

Trust me, the court will not be amused.

That being said, Cerise, are there changes in circumstances by which he would be eligible to file for a modification of the decree (i.e. you earn more money than you did when the decree was issued)? If so, you may want to take this into account and not file, but have your attorney forward his attorney a proposal for modification.

Bottom line: as a matter of self-preservation, DO NOT FEED THE NARCISSIST. Let others, including the law, act.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29473 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's just chilling how much alike N's are, across the board. I could write what anybody's N would do in a given situation -- I know this because I read other people's posts and their story is mine. *shudder*

Anyways, Cerise, I just wanted to tell you not to give up, even though I know it is disheartening. The bad part about N's is that once you sign up with one, unless you take off for Outer Mongolia, they are always going to be around. So either you can allow him to take everything, and keep coming back to torture you, or you can delete him. Make him a non-person. From what I understand, he just doesn't want to pay alimony anymore. He wants to break a court order that has already been handed down. It's absolutely ridiculous, and unless he can come up with some serious justification for breaking a court order, the court will laugh at him and his dumb self. I'm sorry that you have to go through this, but the courts will shut him down. This isn't even a skirmish.

What I am more concerned about are your thoughts of suicide. If you aren't in IC, please get into it. I've read some of your old posts, and you seem to be all across the board wrt emotions in what seems like days. You don't have to live like that, even with an N bastard to put up with.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All courts are hugely different, Cat...my atty told me that in NV, if WH is hiding assets/lies about it...& I "find" it...we will all just go back to The Table and "split it up".
(It must be quite amusing to the court here because WH still gets HIS HALF!!!)

Perjury w/ butter & jam, anyone?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Division of assets is highly different from alimony and ongoing financial requirements mandated by the court.

You're right in that if you discover your NPD ex has hidden assets, they are subject to division and, surprise-surprise, further research. Once that door is open, you can subpoena all sorts of things. And subpoena them from the source (i.e. subpoena his employer) vs. him.

Bottom line: big difference between hiding assets (since asset division is a one time deal) and ongoing flaunting of court requirements.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29473 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In AZ, the asset which has been "hidden" & then discovered/found-- is completely awarded to the other spouse so the "hider" loses it 100%.
And, I believe most other states have this law.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Cerise
♀ Member
Member # 16053
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm feeling better. I think it was a panic attack. Xanax helps.

My emotions have been all over the place, I seem to do that when Im stressed, tired, or have physical pain (all 3 right now.)

My XH and his wife dropped by yesterday, which was unpleasant.

I had lunch with a friend the other day. She is an attorney and she knows my XH. She told me that she would not be able to deal with what I'm going through, and she does't know how I manage. She said she would go insane. I told her "Xanax, baby, thank God for Xanax."


Posts: 1691 | Registered: Sep 2007
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure why psychologists have to "hint" at what's wrong until you ask them "Is he passive aggressive; is he NPD?" Then they say, "YES!" Why can't they just tell us?

I had picked up on the passive-aggression hints, went home read everything on that and got that figured out. Then I finally picked up on the NPD hints after numerous very obvious hints, I might add. Tried to read up on it but I came back and told her I couldn't even read the stuff about narcissism. Why? Because it was him to a T! It was scary and I felt like I'd been hit in the gut. It was like they wrote it about him. When I read the stuff I knew the marriage was unsalvageable.

Mine was a cerebral also. Sex was decent before the marriage. But I swear, no lie, two days before the wedding it all changed. We didn't have sex very often after that and when we did, I felt used. I used to try and try to talk to him about it and all I got was "I know there's nothing wrong with me" emphasis on the "me."


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((cerise))))
Glad you're back...I believe I've been "all over the board" too.
Aww heck -
Alot of times, I might as well be just overboard, but still, inside, I think I've found enough of me to be worth saving. Sometimes it is treading water, yep -
and I'd throw that ring of hope for you too. Please stay.
Please.

Out - I remember the dawning of awareness oh so well! It hit my gut too. I like to be hopeful in my posts when I can, but it's probably ok for me to tell you that it was definitely scary too!

I really think because of the uniqueness of the sitch/being linked with NPD -
I was forced, in a way - in order to survive,
to "go inside" as I call it.

I had to find some remaining "me" - something! - that I could identify as my own - and separate from the sickness I had long and long been trying to live with, figure out, and fix.
One of the reasons "YOU CAN'T FIX IT!" took some time for me to accept.
I hope we can all heal (((Tribe)))
I've never known such evil so intimately...it was and is difficult -
but because I believe that "you are special" (downfall's first post) -
I also believe that because of that -
we will survive and become enriched through this experience.
wow... glad i worked it to 'hope'.


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd like to steer folks to an excellent post by Andrew:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=227527


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
feelinginthedark
♀ Member
Member # 10933
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure what the most recent topic is but i do remember his mother saying that he can be exasperating (and i'm not of the spelling)...and that he is.

Sometimes i feel he can fol me all too well even though i know better.


Posts: 606 | Registered: Jun 2006
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not see your post Cerise but I want to tell you a couple of things that will show you I understand what you are going through.
At times I used to think about suicide as it was the only way of escaping from him. I believe that he was also encouraging me to take this course of action. I felt like there was no other way.
Like jj said I also had to dig deep inside to find the core of myself that loved life and wanted to live. The core of myself that was there a long time before the freak arrived in my life. I remembered that I had laughed, I had ambitions, I was cared for by many people and that I loved life so much.
I realised that it was him with the problem. 100% not me. I divorced him and three months later discovered this site and it was like a lightbulb going off in my head. The legacy of his abuse lingers on but I have never returned to those dark days. My point is that we have all had hideous thoughts due to the pain infliced by the freaks but you will be able to let go of them some time in the future. Life is a wonderful gift: don't let him take anymore of it away from you.

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
Andrew
♂ Member
Member # 10807
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have just been introduced to the idea that my wife may be NPD (sounds a bit like a major US police department to me!).
Some of it seems to fit. there are so many posts on this thread it is a bit hard to tak in.
Any good simple website etc I could look at?
Mark aka Andrew


Me BS 48, WW 47 Three sons

Posts: 1494 | Registered: May 2006 | From: UK
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the (((Tribe))) of Lightbulbs and Toasters, AKA: The N-Survivors Club, AKA: The Club of and From Hell, AKA: The Island of Misfit Toys, AKA: The Clan of the Phoenixes Who Will Rise Again,

(((Andrew)))
Start here:
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=158555

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
janedoe99
♀ Member
Member # 17083
Happy  Posted: 11:42 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am DIVORCED from my image-loving NPD of a husband.

I finally put my story in the profile -- I never wanted to reveal too many details unless my exN found out about this site and used stuff against me.

I was shocked that exN settled in the mediation. I believe the deal was fair and equitable -- he and I both lost and gained in the settlement.

I hope to post here more often (now that I'm not obsessing about the divorce stuff!). I wanted to thank everyone here for helping during the last few months!

JD

[This message edited by janedoe99 at 11:43 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]


Me BW 36 Him WH/XH 32
DD - 4 y/o; DSS 11 y/o
M 4yrs/ Together 8
D-day#1/2 - Sept. 2007, Nov. 2007
Divorced 4/08

Posts: 156 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Florida
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations, Jane! I look at all the sadness in the D/S forum and think I'll probably be the happiest divorcee-to-be there! Glad to see you're a member of that club, too!

[This message edited by veritas at 4:14 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, Andrew!

lovefraud.com and truthaboutdeception.com has really helped me.

Bravo, jane!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe)))

Mediation has failed.

I talked with the mediation people today and it looks like I had the choice of continuing to try and negotiate with STBXPDW or consider the mediation failed. I went with failed.

It will now most likely go to Guardian Ad Litum whom was appointed in Feb.

Thoughts and advice appreciated.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
whyohwhyohwhy
♀ Member
Member # 17890
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

does this sound NPD?


had a long conversation (actually it was more like a soliloquy) about why he had had numerous escapades......

at last I interjected...."did you ever once think to ask me?"

him..."I have been standing here telling you about my feelings for the last twenty minutes and still all you can think about you. You're such a narcissist!"


what did I ever do to deserve this?

Me:47 BS
Him: X, 51 PA SA NPD?
2 kids; DD14, DD8 divorced


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: east coast
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Why)))

ROTFLMAO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I believe that his remark is referred to as projection.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
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